by Ann Bannon
“You tell me, then we’ll both know.” He sighed.
“What will you do with Tris, Milo?” She spoke softly, sympathetically, in a raspy tired voice.
“Take her home again.”
“Do you understand her? What makes her so contrary?”
“No.” He turned and gave her a doleful grin, lighting another cigarette from the first. “We’ve been married almost two years but I don’t know her at all, to tell the truth. But I sure won’t let her go.”
“Does she want you too?”
“I don’t think she does,” he said. “Sound screwy? Well, not so very. She needs me. Because I’m a man.” There was a pause and Laura mopped up the useless tears and tried to think of Milo’s troubles, not her own.
“How long are you going to stay?” she asked him finally.
“I guess till they get back,” he said.
“Are you sure they’re together?”
“More or less. Patsy has a big thing about her.”
“Milo? Would you stay here till they get back, then? I’m afraid—I’m afraid of Beebo. She might hurt me.”
He looked at her thoughtfully. “Yeah. Okay,” he said, studying her. “Say, haven’t you been gone a while? Patsy doesn’t tell me much, but I got the idea…I haven’t seen you around or anything.”
“Yes. I’ve been gone awhile,” she said, getting up. “I’m going to take a shower and get cleaned up. Don’t tell her I’m here if she comes.”
“Patsy?”
“Beebo! Either of them.”
“Who shall I say is in the shower?”
“Santa Claus,” she said. She looked at him sitting glumly slumped in the chair. “Why do you put up with it?” she said. “She’s too much. Tris is too much for anybody.”
“Don’t call her Tris. She’s been Patsy ever since she was six years old and skinned her knees in front of my house. Tris. Christ! It’s too affected.”
“Did she…ever really love me, Milo?” Laura asked it with a catch in her throat.
“Did she ever love any of us? I don’t know.”
“Why do you keep coming back for more?”
He shrugged. “Same reason you do. You love Beebo. You know it’s a mess and you’re in for a lot of hell. It’ll never be right. But you love her. So you take it.” He gave another sad little chuckle. “I wish I knew what it is about you girls. What makes you love each other?” Laura stared at him. “If I knew there’s one thing sure—I’d put a stop to it. What makes you queer, Laura? You tell me.”
“What makes you normal, Milo?”
“I was born that way. Don’t tell me you were born queer! Ha!” And he was sarcastic now.
“I was made that way,” she said calmly.
“By who?” he asked skeptically.
“A lot of people. My father. A girl named Beth. Myself. Fate.”
He snorted. “Why don’t you give up women?”
“Why don’t you!” she flashed.
He blinked at her, beginning to feel her stormy intensity. “Is it that bad?” he asked.
“Sure, it’s that bad! Do you think I live this way because I like it? Would you live like you do if you could live like a white man?”
After a moment he shook his head, looking curiously at her.
“Neither would Tris. Patsy. So don’t be too hard on her, Milo. You damn men, you’re all lousy selfish bastards.”
And to his astonishment, she threw the dirty dime at him. Laura was pulling on a pair of Beebo’s big men’s flannel pajamas when she heard the front door open, and her heart came to a sudden stop in her breast. It started again with a wild thump, and she stood with an ear to the door struggling to pull the roomy tops over her damp body and hear what was said.
“Where is she?” Milo demanded.
The front door shut and there was a pause. Laura heard the scrape of a match and the soft whistle of expelled breath.
“I sent her home,” Beebo said. And her voice sent a sharp thrill of desire and recognition through Laura. She pressed her hands firmly over her breasts till the flesh nearly burst between her fingers, as if to still her own hard breathing.
“Where, the studio?” Milo said.
“Yeah. You entertaining, Milo?”
“What?”
“Who’s the milk drinker?”
And Laura remembered suddenly the milk Milo had fixed her. She hadn’t finished it; just left it sitting on the table.
“Santa Claus,” Milo said.
“No kidding,” Beebo said with a grin. “I used to leave Santa Claus a glass of milk. And cookies. When I was a little kid. But that was Christmas Eve. This isn’t Christmas Eve, Milo.”
“Check the shower,” Milo said. “I didn’t ask her over. You sure Patsy’s home?”
“Hell, no,” Beebo said and she was right by the bedroom door. Laura leaped backwards across the room, stumbling and catching herself on the bed. She straightened up, her heart in her throat, watching the door. Her long blond hair was still damp from the shower, and she had on only the long, striped tops of Beebo’s pajamas. They reached to mid-thigh on her.
Beebo’s hand twisted the knob. “Go home, friend,” she said to Milo, pausing. “Your wife needs a man tonight.”
Milo shrugged at her. “She asked me to stay.”
“Who asked you to stay?”
He thumbed at the bedroom. “Says you might hurt her.”
Beebo stared hard at him for only a second more before she threw the door open hard. It cracked like a shot against the wall and Laura opened her eyes slowly. Her arms were crossed at the wrists and clamped tight over her breasts, as if to ward off attack. She looked at Beebo and Beebo looked at her without a word for several amazed minutes. Laura felt such a flash of agonized desire for this big, handsome, passionate girl who had been her lover that she was unable to speak.
Finally Beebo walked slowly into the room, her hands shoved into the pockets of her pants, squinting through the smoke of the cigarette between her lips. “I thought Lili was kidding,” she said softly. “Seeing things.” And she gave a single short laugh. She walked to the bed and dropped her coat. “Relax, Laura, I’m not going to rape you,” she said. She turned, with her weight on one foot and the other on the bed rung, and called to Milo, “You can go now, Sir Galahad.”
“It’s all right?” He came to the door and looked at Laura, who finally found the strength to nod at him. “Okay,” he said. He looked her up and down, surprised to find how desirable she looked with a clean skin and no rags. “Lotsa luck, girls,” he said with his rueful defeated smile, and he went out.
“Thank you, Milo,” Laura called after him, but her voice was so low and husky with emotion that he did not hear her.
There followed a long strange silence while Beebo stared at her. Laura kept her eyes on her toes, afraid to meet that penetrating gaze.
At last Beebo crushed her cigarette and lay down on the bed, crossing her feet and stuffing her hands behind the pillow to raise her head.
“All right, Laura,” she said calmly. “You’re here. Tell me what you want.”
Laura looked up then, slowly, still very afraid. She was prepared for any violence, any brutality. It no longer mattered if Beebo hurt her or not. She was ready to submit to anything if Beebo would only take her back.
“What do you want?” Beebo said.
“To stay,” she whispered.
Beebo’s eyes widened with surprise. “To stay? With me?” She looked away then at the wall. “You could have stayed last August.”
“Last August I was miserably unhappy because of you. I had to get away. I found out I’m more unhappy without you than with you.”
Beebo laughed outright then. “Doesn’t give you much of a choice, does it?” she said and her voice was not kind. Her laughter made Laura realize that she was a little drunk. Laura walked over to the side of the bed and knelt beside it, with her heart working as if it had taken her up a stiff hill.
Beebo turned her head to wat
ch her. “What’s that for?” she said, catching a corner of her pajamas between thumb and forefinger. Her flesh was only inches away from Laura’s for the first time in eight long months and there was a sudden current of feeling between them that leaped like a spark from Beebo’s hand to Laura’s breasts.
“I had to change. My clothes were filthy. I took a shower and borrowed your pajamas…I’ve been walking all night. All the way from midtown.”
“What the hell did you do that for? Don’t they still have taxis in this town?” She was cold. Her hand dropped away from Laura.
“I didn’t have any money. And I had to see you.”
“Why?”
Laura put her head down on the bed on her clasped hands and began to cry. “I love you,” she wept. And it was the first time since they had met that Beebo had heard her say it that way.
She got up on one elbow and leaned toward Laura. Her face was impassive but shrewd. “Not Tris?” she said.
“Not Tris.”
“Anybody else?”
“Nobody else.” Laura lifted her tearful face. “Oh, Beebo, I’ve done you so wrong, darling. I didn’t know how bad it was. Lili told me—”
“I know she did, the miserable bitch. Goddamn her soul. The only secret she can keep is her age.”
“Beebo, I’ll do anything for you—anything—if you’ll have me back. Oh, darling, it took me months to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been so confused. And lately I’ve been thinking of you all the time. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you, Beebo. I thought when you saw me here you’d beat the hell out of me. If you want to…do it…if it’ll help.” She looked at her out of large frightened eyes, half expecting Beebo to jump her.
But Beebo sat up then, grasping her ankles with her hands. “No, Laura, it’s too late for that. What good would that do?” She made a face, frowning. “There was a time when I would have. If you had come back last fall instead of now. I would have loved you enough then to hate you. But I’ve changed, Laura…It doesn’t seem to matter so much anymore.”
There was a shocked silence from Laura. “You mean,” she ventured finally, “you don’t love me anymore? Oh, Beebo! Oh, Beebo! No!” She covered her mouth with both bands, pressed so tight they turned white.
Beebo looked at her curiously. “I love you, Laura,” she said, but it was impersonal, detached, as if it were just another fact in her life like her job or her black hair. “I’ll always love you. But I’ll never love you again the way I did before you ran out on me last summer. That was too much. When it happened it was a question of either dying of it…or living with something else, changing myself. Becoming a different person. That’s what happened.”
Laura, in her desperation, found the courage to touch Beebo then. She reached out for her, and Beebo unexpectedly turned to help her. She dragged Laura up on the bed with her two strong arms, and Laura gave a long groan of need and fear and gratitude, all mixed up together. Beebo held her in both arms, her back pressed against the wall, watching Laura struggle to control her tears and trembling. She was kind, she was patient. And it scared Laura, who suddenly discovered that she missed the old stormy fury and passion. Beebe seemed odd to her, and it was true that she had changed.
“Laura,” she said. “I’ve been doing some thinking. I want to tell you something. Maybe you won’t want to come back to me so much anymore.”
“Let me tell you something first,” Laura begged. “If I don’t tell you, Beebo, I haven’t any right to touch you. I haven’t any right to be here. Maybe I don’t anyway. Darling, I—I’m married.” Beebo gasped a little, and Laura said quickly, “To Jack.”
Beebo simply gaped at her for a second and then she burst out laughing. “Good God! That’s what happened!” she exclaimed. “You and Jack. Oh, God!”
“It wasn’t exactly—ridiculous,” Laura whispered, hurt. “We loved each other.” But Beebo went on laughing.
“I’m sorry, baby, but it sounds so damn—goofy,” she said.
And when she called her baby, Laura felt a small glow of warmth and hope. Maybe it wasn’t hopeless; maybe things could work out. She clung to Beebo and found herself half laughing with her, and half weeping to hear Jack’s name.
“Where is he now? Does he know you’re here?” Beebo asked her.
“He knows,” Laura said, for there could be no doubt that he did.
“Did he send you? Married life got him down?”
“No, I ran away. I—I hurt him. It meant so much to him to have a wife and all….” She couldn’t say any more about it; it broke her up to think of it.
Beebo sobered a little. “You have a talent for that, Laura—hurting people. Sometimes I think that’s your only real ability.”
“I know,” Laura murmured, shame-faced. “And the trouble is, I never want to. I never mean to. I’d give anything to undo it, once it’s done. But I begin to feel like I’m smothering. Like I’d die of it if I can’t get away.”
“Is that the way I made you feel?” Beebo said.
Laura hung her head. “Yes,” she whispered. “I won’t lie about it.”
“You can’t very well. I read the damn diary—every word of it.”
Laura flushed at the thought of the thing. “Beebo, I—I didn’t understand before how you felt. Or how I felt myself. But I know now I love you.” She said it quivering with hope.
But Beebo only answered, “Do you, Laura? How do you know?” There was a little smile on Beebo’s face. She asked the question gently as if she were talking to a bewildered child, brushing Laura’s hair from her forehead.
“Because I want so terribly to be with you,” Laura said, shaking her head to emphasize her words. “I can’t bear it like this, being apart from you.”
“I’ve changed so much,” Beebo said, wondering at it, “and you haven’t changed at all. Have you? I think you’re just tired of being a wife, honey.”
“No. I love Jack. But it’s different. I don’t need him like I need you.”
“How about Jack? Doesn’t he need you?”
Laura covered her face again with her hands to stifle the sudden sobs. “A lot, I’m afraid. I’d be better off dead, Beebo, I swear I would. I’ve caused so much heartache. And most of all to myself. I’m no good to anybody. I wish to God you’d get that big knife and do to me what you did to Nix. I wish you’d beat me the way you beat yourself—”
“Laura! God, spare me!” And for a second the latent fire in her flared and gave Laura a curious thrill.
“I thought you would,” Laura cried. “I was prepared for anything, even that, when I came here. I still can’t believe you—I mean, you seem so funny. I thought you’d hurt me, and you’re so calm, so quiet—”
Beebo shook her head, looking at Laura with her disillusioned eyes. “I won’t hurt you, baby,” she said.
“You said once you’d kill me,” Laura said wildly, as if she were asking for it, as if it would be proof of Beebo’s huge need for her.
“I know. I meant it then, too. I was nearly crazy. But things have changed, Laura. I don’t throw my threats around so easily any more. There was a time when I could have done it, but no more. No more. Stop crying, baby. Stop, honey.” She began to stroke Laura’s long hair.
Laura looked up at her through pink eyes, her chest heaving in Beebo’s warm embrace, and they gazed at each other for some time before Beebo told her, kindly, trying to ease it for her, “I said I loved you, Laura. But it’s not the same for me, now. I don’t love you the way I used to. I couldn’t and go on living. You were my whole life for two years. I thought I couldn’t exist without you. I thought it would be better to kill you and die with you than go on without you. So what did I do?” She smiled in contempt for herself. And pity. A bitter smile. “I chickened out. I slaughtered a poor innocent pup instead. In the fury I should have saved for you. And what did it prove? Nothing. How did it help? It didn’t. It was a wasted gesture, Laura. A stupid, senseless thing.
“But you see, I was out of m
y mind in love with you at the time. Now all the madness has gone out of me, Laura. There’s not much fire left.” And she bent suddenly to touch Laura’s brow with her lips. Laura felt the sweet touch flow through her to her toes and she nestled close against Beebo, weeping at her words. “It’s not wild and wonderful and tormenting anymore.”
“How did it happen?” Laura begged her, cruelly disappointed. “Maybe it’ll change.” She felt almost betrayed, as if she were in the arms of a stranger.
“No. I wouldn’t want it to change, now. It happened because if it hadn’t I would have died, Laura. I was so sick, so lost without you, that I would have gone to pieces. I’d have used the damn cleaver on myself.”
“Oh!” Laura breathed, horrified.
“I changed to save my life…and my sanity. It took all my strength, but I did it. And strangely enough, it was a relief. I felt as if I’d laid down a killing burden.” She looked down at Laura, pulling her so tight that they could feel one another’s hearts beating, and Laura, her eyes shut, was saying to herself, “No, no, no…”
“I love you still, baby,” Beebo told her. “I know I should be proud and angry with you. I should kick you out or beat you up or both. But if I did it wouldn’t mean anything. It would only hurt, like I hurt Nix, for no purpose. I know Lili and the rest of them will bitch at me for taking you back—”
“Oh, will you, Beebo? Darling, darling, will you?”
“If you want it that way….” She stopped, looking into Laura’s tear-bright eyes.
“I want it that way,” Laura gasped.
But at the same time she had to realize that this was not her Beebo anymore; that things had changed irreparably and forever between them; that the love they had left now was only good and tender, not the exalted, shivering passions of the past. It had to be so, because Beebo could never have forgiven her, let alone taken her back, otherwise. And it’s my fault—all my fault. It’s the price I have to pay to get her back, Laura told herself.
“If you had been like this last summer…so calm, so casual,” she whispered humbly, “I would have stayed.”
“And now that I’ve calmed down, you want me wild again, don’t you?” Beebo laughed a little, a sad, wise laugh. “Crazy, isn’t it? Ironic and crazy. And there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it, Bo-peep. Either of us…baby…She lifted Laura’s face and kissed it.