“You have great strength. More than Earthers are credited with having, at least among the Kalquorians I’ve spoken to,” Seot agreed. “I cannot begin to tell you how impressed I am with what you’ve done.”
I had to protest. “It was all Dr. Tep and my friends who wouldn’t give up on me. I only laid in the medi-bed, scared out of my wits.”
“You never gave up,” Cifa insisted. “You held on to keep your baby and friends safe from the organism. If that isn’t heroic effort, I’ll eat Larten’s cooking.”
The Nobek snorted at that. “Shalia could use a taste of my diet. Eat lots of meat to regain your strength,” he advised me. “The bloodier, the better. The iron and protein of raw ronka is best.”
Raw ronka? Seot gave me a secretive shake of his head to indicate he was no more a fan of Larten’s chosen food than I was. Cifa was a lot more vocal about his thoughts.
“She’s not an animal, you beast. Earther diets are different from ours. She requires certain things to ensure the highest quality breast milk, don’t you Shalia?”
I was saved from telling Cifa something so personal as that I couldn’t breastfeed Anrel. Seot cut in with his diplomatic tone. “I’m certain Dr. Tep has Shalia’s dietary needs well in hand, my clanmates.” He winked at me. “Perhaps you are due a few treats? Do you enjoy chocolate?”
From there, we talked of less scary subjects. I discovered that with the war over, Seot had funneled much of the profits from his munition factories into funding for the care of surviving Earther war veterans. “This was the first occasion my weapons had been used against a race I did not truly call enemy. Earthers are not Tragooms or Bi’isils. They are a part of Kalquor’s future. How can I not offer amends to those my people pledge to join with?”
His meaning was clear to me. Seot not only accepts Earthers will merge with his culture, but welcomes us. He seemed to specifically be welcoming me. That went a long way toward quieting my conscience. I’d had some concerns about joining the clan of a Dramok who had been a substantial part of fighting against my race.
Other things were spoken of. Our pasts, our families, some small chitchat. Seot and Larten are the only children born to their parents. All three men’s parent clans are alive. Apparently, Clan Seot has been telling them about me. Cifa disclosed that their families were always asking if they’ve heard from me lately. I wonder if these men are pursuing other potential Mataras at all. They must be. They can’t be focused on just me.
It was strange to be working on that gentle probing for information that makes up what I would have called a date back on Earth. Strange, but fun. At one point during our first hour of conversation, Anrel yawned hugely. She looked comical with that tiny mouth stretching as wide as it could go ... and adorable too. While Larten chuckled and Seot beamed at her with caring warmth, Cifa went into paroxysms of delight.
“So cute!” he gushed. His big muscled arms reached forward for a moment, as if he were dying to hold her. The Imdiko gazed at Anrel every bit as often as he looked at me. Yep, he’s in love with my little girl. It’s almost too sweet to stand. I can’t wait to see him hold her. I might even have to fight him to get her back, ha-ha.
Anrel went to sleep moments later and stayed that way for the rest of my conversation. I was on the com with Seot, Larten, and Cifa for over two hours. I couldn’t believe that long had passed when Betra stuck his head in the room. His gaze darting at the transmission of the clan, he whispered, “Dr. Tep says you need to go to your quarters and rest.”
I opened my mouth to protest. I didn’t feel tired in the least. I could have talked to the men forever. However, Seot quickly said, “Our apologies for taking up such a great deal of time, Shalia. Perhaps we can arrange to talk again before you leave the portals?”
From his kind but unmistakably firm tone (it made me shiver), I deduced Seot was not going to naysay my doctor and wouldn’t let me do so either. That man has the leader thing down pat. I imagined him telling me to strip naked in that tone. I’d been turned on during our whole conversation, but my interest spiked high at the thought. Yowza. Order away, Dramok Seot.
They were right, though. I’d been sitting there holding Anrel for a long while. Checking the hour made me recognize how achy the arm that supported her had become. My back hurt too.
Plus the fact that Betra stayed in the doorway had a dampening effect on the discussion. I smiled at Clan Seot.
“I would love to talk to you again. This was fun.”
“For us too,” Seot assured me. “The last day you’re in range, perhaps? I only put it off because Larten has war games at the training camp tomorrow. That usually means a few extra hours spent in the infirmary.”
“Keeping an eye on my clumsier trainees, to make certain they don’t take out their shame on the medical staff,” Larten explained.
“Oh good. I was afraid you anticipated getting hurt.” I hadn’t liked that idea.
Larten snorted as if my worry was the most absurd thing he’d ever heard. “The day any of those rank younglings can blow me up is the day I walk off the field and work in the kitchens.”
“Serving raw ronka?” I laughed.
They all cracked up at that. “What else?” Larten chortled. “Iron for strength, Shalia. That’s the key.”
With that last bit of advice, we said our farewells. I hated to see them disappear, but the grin wouldn’t leave my face.
As soon as the com switched off, Betra came over and claimed Anrel from me. Without a word, he removed her oversized dress and placed her in her medi-crib. He was so adept at it that she never twitched once in her sleep.
I stretched, less tired than I had expected. I ached from sitting in one position for such a protracted period, but I wasn’t ready for a nap.
I felt wonderful all over. Almost giddy, in fact. I told Betra, “Wow, that went well. I can’t believe we talked so long and I didn’t notice it. That has to be a good sign, right?”
“Maybe.” He started to guide my hoverchair out.
“Let me walk.” I stopped the chair from the controls on the armrest. “I need to move some.”
“Tep wants you to go to your quarters and rest,” Betra snapped. “Sit down, Shalia.”
I turned to look at him, startled by the anger in his voice. “Cool it, grumpy britches. What’s your problem anyway?”
“You not doing what you’re supposed to and making my life harder than it has to be,” Betra said, his tone hot. He glowered.
Oh hell. I had an ugly suspicion it wasn’t my insistence on standing up and making my body work that had him in such a dither. For a change, I refused to fly into my own temper and give him hell for being a jerk. Instead, I motioned toward the door. “We’ll discuss this outside of the room so we don’t disturb Anrel.”
Without waiting for his leave, I walked through the door and out of Isolation. I waited for him to join me, still guiding my chair.
Once the door shut behind him, I faced Betra. In the calmest, most reasonable manner I could manage, I said, “You’re mad because you’re jealous.”
He jerked. His mouth tightened in a line and the crease between his brows deepened. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re supposed to vet your options. I have no issue with that.”
“You get that you’re supposed to let me go,” I countered. “That doesn’t mean your heart agrees with the matter. You’ve told me all along that you can give me up once we reach Kalquor. You’ve claimed you wish me and Anrel to have the stability of a clan.”
“I do want that for you and the baby. I can’t give it to you, so I welcome the opportunity you have to find happiness with other men.” Betra’s demeanor insisted otherwise.
“So you’re saying that when you came in and I was laughing and enjoying talking with a clan that has that kind of potential, it made you happy?”
“Of course.” There was a growl in his voice.
“You don’t act happy for me. You are acting like a jealous boyfriend, Betra.”
I spoke gently. I unders
tood his pain, because I experienced it too. I’d gone through it when I’d separated from Clan Dusa and wondered about the women they might be rescuing on Earth. I’ve dealt with that nagging loss when I contemplate reaching Kalquor and saying goodbye to Betra.
Betra has been open about falling in love with me. He’s also demanded I not do the same because we’ll separate someday. Even if there was some system through which we could remain a kind of family unit, a situation that would involve Oses as well, we would be separated when the men took off on their ship again. That won’t work, because I have Anrel now. She and I cannot remain on board the transport with Betra and Oses. No, we’ll be on Kalquor.
I’ve done some serious soul searching since my baby’s birth and my near death from being contaminated by the It. I need clanmates, fathers who will be around for my daughter. Anrel has to have plenty of protection, support, and love no matter what happens to me. God knows, I’m aware of my vulnerability these days and my inability to be everything Anrel requires.
I have to be stronger.
I digress from my discussion with Betra. As conciliatory as I tried to be, he did not soften after I pointed out he was acting jealous. His whole demeanor closed down, telling me he refused to entertain any further discussion about the matter. Instead, he jerked his head in an indication we should get moving.
He said, “Walk, if that’s what you want to do. I’ll bring the chair.”
I sighed. Our face-off was starting to attract looks from others in Medical. I decided it would be better if we could pursue the matter – if Betra would allow it – in the privacy of my quarters.
I gave Tep a wave as I passed through the department. “I’ve been sitting all this time. I’m due some exercise.”
The doctor’s gaze flicked to Betra, silently pushing the chair in my wake. “Fine, as long as you don’t overdo it. Watch her, Liaison.”
Betra muttered under his breath. We kept going.
My legs were just starting to wobble when I got to my quarters. I headed in and went straight to the lounger in my sitting room. I watched Betra bring the chair in, ready for me to use should I have to.
I didn’t relish an argument, but it was important to clear the air. Betra means too much to me to let him leave sulking. “Please don’t go. We should talk.”
When that man pouts, he does it all the way. “I have to go to my office. My day doesn’t revolve around you, Shalia.”
He turned on his heel and made for the door. When it opened for him, Oses was on the other side of it.
I was determined to straighten things out. “Oses, don’t let him leave. He’s hurt and angry.”
“I have duties,” Betra ground out. “Excuse me, Weapons Commander.”
Oses wouldn’t budge, his hulk of a body blocking the doorway. “You can spare a few moments while I find out what is wrong, Imdiko,” he said, coming to a quick decision.
He started to come in. When Betra didn’t move out of his path, determined to leave, Oses gave him an impatient shove. Betra stumbled backward, and Oses moved fast to keep him from falling. He grabbed Betra’s arm and swung him at the lounger next to me. As Betra landed on the cushions with a startled yelp, Oses continued inside, the door shutting behind him. His matter-of-fact expression had not changed for an instant. That Nobek is one cool customer.
He came over to stand guard over Betra. “What is the problem?” He used the same tone with which he might have inquired about the weather.
“I spoke to a potential clan,” I said. “And I enjoyed it a lot.”
“I see.” Oses eyed the red-faced Betra. “The preview of Shalia moving on is not pleasant. I can only imagine how hard it was to watch.”
“I’m fine,” Betra insisted through gritted teeth. “I don’t understand why you are making such a big deal out of this.”
“Because it hurts me to see you hurting,” I answered. “It’s obviously a huge deal to you.”
“It’s my problem, not yours.”
“You’re making it her problem,” Oses said. “Imdiko, are you going to join a clan?”
Betra scowled and hunched. “You know it’s not likely. You are as close to a clan as I’ll have, Oses.”
“It could be we’ll eventually attract a Dramok suited to our tastes. Doubtful, given your heterosexual proclivities and my age, but not impossible.” Oses gave me a slight grimace and continued schooling our upset friend. “There is also the fact that I’ll serve the fleet as a ship’s officer for as long as my health will allow. I cannot imagine another life. What about you? You once told me all you ever desired was to work on board a ship, seeing distant places and exploring. Has that changed?”
I hadn’t been aware that Betra had never contemplated another career besides being a member of the fleet. I was more than a little interested in his answer.
Betra wouldn’t look at us. He stared at his knees as if they were the most fascinating things he’d ever seen. “I hate losing Shalia. You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same.”
Oses sighed. “Of course I do. I also realize that as much as I love her, she cannot stay on the ship with me. Staying on the planet with her would have its joys, but in the end, I would be heartsick for the career I was made for. I may even end up resenting losing the occupation that makes up the bulk of my identity.”
Betra shook his head. “This situation is impossible. I know it, and I comprehend that Shalia and Anrel need a better Imdiko than I am.”
“Is there such a man?” I asked. “You’re wonderful, Betra.”
He managed a smile for me. “Oses is right. If I had the opportunity, I would give up everything here to stay with you and the baby. At first, I would be happy. Maybe I would stay happy. But I would also think of all I’d planned for myself and what I’d missed out on.”
“Even for our hearts’ desire, there is always a trade-off,” I noted. The idea that Betra might eventually resent me for taking him from his dreams made me ill. Having him in my life, only to love me less, was not an option.
That he worried about the same issue told me a lot about our relationship. Betra might love me ... I know he loves me ... but he’s not ready to settle down.
Betra closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “There is no point in talking about the ‘if’ scenario. The chances of Oses and me finding a Dramok who can make us an actual clan are next to none. In the meantime, you and Anrel would be waiting for us alone on Kalquor because we’re off working.”
Betra’s expression hardened after he said that. In a firm voice he replied, “No. You have to join a decent clan. Anrel deserves stable fathers who will be there for her. Oses and I love you both, but we are not those men.”
He stood. “I have a lot to consider. Nothing can change the fact that you have my heart, Shalia. Yet for a while, we should step back from each other. Give me time to get a handle on my jealousy.”
I hated hearing that we were to undergo a separation. In fact, some part of me panicked. I relied on Betra for so much. It was terrifying to contemplate not having that.
I realize I keep repeating this, but I must discover a way to be stronger. On my own, without help. Just in case. Perhaps stepping back as Betra suggested would be best for both of us. In the meantime, I have Oses.
I wiped dry the single tear creeping down my cheek. “I agree. The last thing I want in the universe is to hurt you, Betra. But I have to think of Anrel first and foremost. She has to be my priority.”
He nodded. “No argument on that score. May I sit with her as my schedule allows?”
“Of course.” I found the heart to chuckle. “Anrel will miss her Uncle Betra soon enough. Let her enjoy your worship for as long as she can.”
That scored a bright smile from Betra. It faded just as quickly as it came, and he stepped forward. His kiss goodbye tore at my heart. “I’m here as your liaison,” he whispered. “And your friend, once I sort my head out. If you need me before then, you know where to find me.”
I nodded, not
trusting myself to speak. Betra turned and left.
I’m surprised I didn’t crumble into a sobbing heap the moment the door closed. Jeez, how my gut hurt. But other than that one previous tear, my eyes stayed dry.
Oses watched me, as if he too expected a bawling, hysterical Shalia. When that failed to happen, he asked, “Are you okay, pet?”
“I am. Maybe it’s because I’ve already been through so many awful times. Or some part of me is already starting to separate from this phase of my life. It hurts, but I’m not destroyed.”
Oses gave me a half-smile that held its own sadness. “Perhaps it’s because you are so strong.”
“I wish I was.” That seems to be my mantra these days.
I sighed and turned from the door. I started to sit down and changed my mind. Maybe I should have been taking it easy, but I was too keyed up to do so. I had so little time left with Betra. How long would it take for him to sort through this sudden onslaught of jealousy? A week? A month? The rest of the trip?
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