by Lissa Manley
“Um…yeah.” She pushed back so she could give him a hefty look. “Care to explain?”
He thought about it for a few moments, and the answer was suddenly obvious. “I haven’t felt this happy in a long time, and I’m not fighting the feeling.” After a hesitation, he went on. “Don’t you think we both deserve some happiness after what we’ve been through?”
She stilled, her expression hitting shell-shocked dead center.
He held his breath, and just about the time he was sure he’d gone someplace he shouldn’t have, her face softened and she spread her mouth into a captivating smile that hit him even harder than her kiss had.
“You know, you’re right,” she said, settling back into his arms. “We deserve this.”
“I’m so glad you agree,” he said, unaccountably relieved she was staying right where she was for the time being. He wasn’t ready to let her go.
And right now, with her sitting pressed close, he didn’t think he’d ever be willing to allow her to walk out of his life without putting up a fight.
*
Just as the sun started shining through her bedroom window—which was early, given it was May—Phoebe finally gave up on sleep and got out of bed. Quite a feat for a non–morning person such as herself who considered it a major crime to get up at any hour starting with a five. Or six. Or seven.
She’d had a rough night. No matter how many sheep she’d counted, she simply couldn’t stop thinking about the handsome sheriff who’d completely turned her world upside down since sauntering into her life.
Bleary-eyed, she put on a fuzzy robe and her favorite pair of slippers. Then she shuffled into the kitchen and made a big pot of coffee and shoved an English muffin into her toaster oven. While her sustenance percolated and browned, she leaned a hip against the counter, unable to ignore what had become unavoidably obvious over the course of the too-short night she’d spent doing I-can’t-sleep gymnastics on her mattress.
She was falling for Carson.
And that scared the filling out of her.
With a noisy sigh, she grabbed a glass of orange juice, then got her toasted muffin out and spread peanut butter on it. She made quick work of a banana with a paring knife and put the slices on the muffin, then poured herself a big cup of coffee and took the whole shebang to the small wooden table in the corner of her kitchen.
She sat down, stirred some sugar into her coffee and balefully regarded her peanut butter and banana muffin, curling her lip. Great. Now anxiety had chased her hunger away. Not good at all. She loved to eat—usually.
But this wasn’t a usual day following a regular evening; she’d spent a good part of the last evening curled in Carson’s arms on his couch, cuddling and talking, and she’d loved every single second of it. He’d been right; he made her happy, and she didn’t have it in her to deny that.
Her world was tilting on its side, and was in danger of turning completely upside down.
No wonder she hadn’t slept a wink. All she’d thought about while she’d been tossing and turning was what he’d said to her about her faith and God. Sometime before dawn, she’d begun to realize that Carson was right; her faith should have carried her through with God after Justin had died.
Now, despite her lack of rest, she couldn’t deny the wisdom in Carson’s advice. She had faith, had for a very long time. She needed to trust in God, and that, in turn, should pave the way to being able to bridge the gap that she’d allowed to form between her and Him. She hadn’t been able to see the forest for the trees about her problem. Thank goodness Carson had been there to help her realize the error of her ways and show her the forest.
She took a sip of coffee, acknowledging that her realization had come at an excellent time; with her heart in knots over her undeniable feelings for Carson, she was going to need God’s guidance more than ever.
Feeling the chasm between her and the Lord lessening, a tentative sense of peace came over her. Casting her eyes up, she folded her hands together on the table. And then she prayed.
God, I’m sorry I lost faith, but I know You will forgive me. I’ve missed having You in my life, and I need Your guidance. I’m beginning to think letting Carson into my life might be all right, that maybe second chances do exist.
But how do I know for sure?
Chapter Thirteen
After a busy week at the ice cream parlor, Thursday evening rolled around, and Phoebe sat at grief-counseling class, wondering if she’d see Carson here tonight. He’d gone MIA from her life for the past few days since they’d kissed, and for all she knew, grief counseling was no longer on his list.
Funny how she’d become used to having him in her life. She missed him. A lot.
Had he had second thoughts about their relationship? She’d been too much of a wuss to call him and find out.
To her relief—and chagrin—he showed up at the class—late, but present—and stood in the back. Trying to act casual, she gave him a wave and a shaky smile, which he returned, and she sat back and listened to the instructor, barely able to sit still. She’d meet with him after class to talk; she’d had her head under the covers long enough. If he had any regrets, she wanted to know about them.
After the instructor went over the seven stages of grief—very enlightening, especially the information about the anger stage—the class broke up, and Phoebe approached him.
“Hey, you. Long time no see,” she said, her tummy fluttering. Looked as though he still had the ability to make her giddy.
He flushed. “Yeah, sorry. One of my deputies was out sick, and things have been crazy at the station.”
“You sure that’s all it is?” she asked, wanting honesty to soothe her own doubts, ridiculous as they might be.
Frowning, he took her arm and gently pulled her out into the hall. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ve barely seen Heidi, either, though she did tell me she’s been helping out at the parlor voluntarily now.”
Phoebe nodded. “I’m thrilled Heidi has chosen to continue working at the store.”
Searching her face, he asked, “What’s going on?”
Guess the honesty thing went both ways. “I just thought maybe you were pulling away after…well, you know, what happened.” Her cheeks heated.
He frowned.
“I’d understand that perfectly,” she said, forging ahead because if she didn’t she’d chicken out and shut down. “We talked about a lot of personal things on your couch, and we, um…kissed. It would stand to reason that you might want to…slow things down.” Or stop their relationship completely.
Her heart stuttered. Just the thought of him pulling completely away made her incredibly sad.
“Honestly, the work thing is true. I’ve been putting in long hours,” he said.
She saw the sincerity in his eyes. “I’m being weird, aren’t I?” She gave him a wan smile. “I’m not usually quite so doubting.”
“No, I have been quiet.” He touched her arm. “But it was out of necessity. Things have been really busy at work, and I didn’t want to call you or stop by when I didn’t really have time to talk.”
“Okay,” she said, believing him completely. She’d been worried for nothing. Yet, her worry alone pointed to some very profound feelings she was going to have to confront.
“But I have time now,” he said, gesturing down the hall. “How about we continue our discussion at my house?”
Her spirits rose as she fell into step beside him. “Is Heidi going to be there? I missed seeing her today.”
“I’m not sure. She and Lily went shopping earlier, and their timeline was loose.”
“Oh, right, now I remember. Heidi told me they were going to the mall in Harbor City.”
“Yeah, something about new skinny jeans or something.” He shrugged, then held the door open for her. “I’m not in on the details. I just supply the money.”
“We girls like to shop,” she said, inhaling the fresh ocean breeze, hoping it would clear her head. “You’d better get used to that.
”
“Oh, trust me, my daughter has already conditioned me for the shopping bug, and I have the credit-card receipts to prove it.”
Phoebe laughed. “Just wait until she wants designer jeans and shoes.”
“Guess I’ll have to put my foot down when that happens.”
I hope I’m around to see it, she thought, accepting the truth in her musings. There was no denying the idea. She wanted to be part of Carson and Heidi’s lives for a long time to come. She wanted to see Heidi go to the prom, graduate from high school and go off to college. She wanted to see her move into adulthood, get married and have kids of her own someday. She wanted to watch all of those milestones by Carson’s side while they built a home and memories together and, someday, became grandparents.
So, what did that mean for herself, in the here and now?
Feeling another heartfelt discussion with God coming on in the near future—my, she liked the sound of having Him to lean on—she decided to table the ramifications of her realization for the time being, choosing instead to focus on the evening at hand and whatever that brought.
They decided to take separate cars so Phoebe could drive directly home from his house later, and Carson followed Phoebe out of town. The mostly sunny day had stayed clear, and as the glowing sun made its way toward the horizon, ribbons of orange and pink streaked the sky to the west. Phoebe looked in her rearview mirror and saw Carson driving his SUV behind her. Steady. Watchful. With her all the way, a presence she couldn’t deny.
Something shifted inside of her, and a yearning for that future she’d imagined with Heidi and Carson formed a tight knot of need in her chest that simply could not be denied.
Dare she hope for a future as a real part of the Winters family?
*
“Surprise!”
As the echoes of all of those gathered for Phoebe’s birthday reverberated in the decorated entryway of his house, Carson kept his eyes on Phoebe when they walked through the front door, sure her expression was going to be priceless. Though he never got tired of looking at her pretty face, no matter what emotion she expressed.
Sure enough, her face exploded in utter astonishment, and then morphed quickly into a dazzling smile that made his heart feel as if it were going to float right out of his chest.
She turned to him, her eyes sparkling like sunlit blue topaz. “My birthday isn’t for four days!” she said, stabbing the air in front of his nose with a finger. “Nice job getting me here, sneaky!”
“I do my best,” he replied with a tilt of his head and a crooked smile. “But most of the credit goes to Heidi.”
Phoebe turned as Heidi separated herself from the crowd. “You did all this?” Phoebe gestured around at the crepe paper and balloon-festooned walls.
Heidi nodded, her face lit up by a brilliant, truly happy smile Carson hadn’t seen in a long time. “Well, it was my idea, but Lily and Molly helped,” she said, gesturing to Phoebe’s friends. “And Molly clued me in about your birthday.”
Phoebe gave Lily and Molly each a defined, smile-tinged nod of appreciation, then extended her arms and enfolded Heidi in a hug. Heidi hugged back, her face relaxing into a kind of contentment he would never tire of seeing.
With that thought in mind, he stood back and watched them embrace, his throat tightening at the affection so obvious between his daughter and the wonderful woman who’d come into their lives. Clearly, Phoebe had worked her way into the heart of this family.
Powerful stuff, for sure.
Powerful, yet intimidating. Though he’d spoken the truth when he’d told Phoebe the craziness at work had kept him from seeking her out the past few days, in the back of his mind doubts about letting Phoebe into his heart had remained. Especially after their cozy night spent kissing and talking on the couch, which had sent him into a bit of a tailspin, given the emotional intimacy that had pervaded the evening.
Even so, as he’d sat there with Phoebe in his arms that night, he’d felt so at ease, so centered. So happy. As if he were right where he was supposed to be.
Since that night, however, his inherent desire to avoid messy emotions was at war with his growing need to be with Phoebe, to grab on to the positive feelings she brought out, and never let go.
He was smack-dab in the middle of a push/pull he couldn’t seem to break free of.
Work had given him a reason to put his feelings on the back burner for a few days. But now that Deputy Diaz was back from being out with the flu, things at the station were returning to normal, and any legitimate reason Carson might have for keeping Phoebe at arm’s length was gone.
It was time to face the feelings staring him down. Whether he liked the idea or not.
The dire course of his thoughts was interrupted by Heidi. “Dad, come with us to go see Phoebe’s cake out on the deck!”
“Sure thing, sweetie.” He looked at Phoebe, then crooked his arm and presented it to her. “Could the birthday girl please accompany us out back?”
She grinned and laid her hand on his upper arm from underneath. “Certainly. Especially if there’s cake involved.”
Enjoying the warmth her touch on his arm caused, he followed Heidi through the crowd to the back of the house, saying hello to the guests, which included Phoebe’s brother, Drew, her mom and dad, Grace and Hugh, as well as Molly’s fiancé, Grant, Mrs. Philpot and, of course, Heidi’s co-conspirators, Lily and Molly.
As they stepped out onto the balloon-adorned deck, Heidi ran forward with colorful party hats in her hands. “Here, put these on.”
Phoebe gave him an amused look as she took her hat and set it on her head, securing it underneath her chin with the elastic. “I’m going to have hat hair.”
He put his on, deliberately setting it at a goofy angle on his head so it stuck out sideways. “You’ll look great, hat hair or not.”
Laughing, she said, “You ought to reserve judgment. Curly hair doesn’t look good flat. Or not flat. You should see me in the morning.”
“I’m sure you look great,” he said truthfully, slipping his arm around her shoulder as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
“What I look is scary,” she said, moving closer and then winding her arm around his back. “I’ve been known to frighten small children who see me before I have a chance to get my hair under control.”
He squeezed her shoulder, savoring her closeness. “I can’t imagine you scaring anybody.” Although, the emotions she stirred in him were pretty terrifying.
Her reply was precluded by a beaming Heidi walking toward them, a crooked birthday cake decorated with loads of chocolate frosting, multicolored sprinkles and blazing birthday candles gripped tightly in her hands.
Someone started to sing “Happy Birthday,” and everyone joined in, most off tune. Carson sang along as Phoebe’s arm tightened around him, and he pulled her closer, looking down at her. She turned and gazed right at him, her mouth pressed up into a truly radiant smile that made his knees go weak. Her stunning eyes sparkled with what looked like distinct delight.
The song ended, and Heidi said, “Blow out the candles!” She held the cake up high. “And don’t forget to make a wish.”
Phoebe unwound her arm from around him and, nodding, leaned forward, holding her hair back with one hand. She took a deep breath and then blew, and all the candles went out. The guests cheered, and she straightened and turned, knocking him flat with another luminous smile.
“What did you wish for?” he asked, stunned that a woman with a silly cardboard birthday hat on her head could look so beautiful.
“If I tell you, it won’t come true,” she said, lifting a delicate eyebrow.
“Can you just give me a hint?” What would he say if she told him her wish had something to do with him? And Heidi? And the three of them being a family?
Whoa. Pretty big thoughts there. Life-altering, actually. But undeniable, nonetheless.
Before she could reply, Heidi gestured toward the picnic table with her chin. “You want t
o help me cut the cake?” she said to Phoebe.
“Of course.” Phoebe put her arm around Heidi’s shoulder, then turned to him. “Cake-cutting duty calls.”
“Cut me an extrabig piece,” he said, holding his hands a foot apart.
“Dad, that would mean you get the whole cake.”
“Your point?” he said, teasing.
Heidi gave him an exasperated look. “I made one cake, so you only get your share.”
“Well, since you made it, I’m going to at least want seconds,” he said. “And thirds.”
Heidi made oinking sounds.
Grinning, he watched her and Phoebe head over to the picnic table, his gaze lingering on their blond heads close together.
Phoebe and his daughter had obviously bonded over the past week. His heart warmed, and something akin to tenderness seeped through him; Phoebe was clearly a good influence on Heidi, and he was pretty sure she’d be in his daughter’s life no matter what.
The question was, did he want her in his life on a more permanent basis, as more than just the kind woman in town who had befriended his daughter? Could he open his heart fully to Phoebe, and if he somehow found the will and courage to do so, would she return his feelings? Or would she cut him off, causing even more heartache than he’d have to deal with if he just went along as he always did, minimizing emotional turmoil by keeping his heart wrapped in barbed wire?
He put his hands on his hips and looked at the darkening sky. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d faced such a chancy predicament.
Maybe, just maybe, he’d have to take a very smart woman’s advice and ask God for some help with his dilemma.
*
Hovering near the picnic table, Phoebe tried not to stare at Carson as he talked to Grant on the other side of the deck. Instead she eyed the cake, seriously considering another piece of chocolate decadence.
Was she simply trading one indulgence for another, though?
She heard Carson laugh, and her gaze was again drawn his way. Boy, he looked handsome tonight in his navy blue uniform, all broad-shouldered, clean-cut and hero-ish, as if he could take on any burden thrown at him and look mighty fine doing it.