"Then why say it isn't a dream job? You enjoy it - that is so much more than so many other people ever say about the job they do. Tom, you are an incredible worker and your bosses must see that. That is why they are promoting you. Please don't insinuate that it is a nothing job. You are doing great and you are being recognised for that," she said, watching his face as he seemed to intently look at her in return. "Be proud!" she added as she finished with a now traditional jab onto his arm.
Tom was silenced by her speech for a few minutes, before he seemed to rouse himself finally.
"Thank you."
"You are welcome. Now give me my fuzzy," she said and Tom held the bear tighter to him, laughing softly and with affection toward her.
"No," he said with mock seriousness. "He wants to come home with me."
She laughed loudly at him, remembering this argument from many, many times over the years.
"You are crazy," he heard her say as she gave up trying to get her bear back, and instead lay down along the length of the bed, on her back, looking at the ceiling. "I still love this room. I know that we are all supposed to want to grow up, but I don't want to rush to be an adult. I'm just not ready for so many things."
Tom looked down on her face as she spoke, from his position sitting up beside her. Silently he wondered how many people got to grow up like the two of them had, knowing each other from so young and still growing together as they moved into adulthood.
"Well there are good things about adulthood too," he said and she looked at him as if she expected him to make a natural macho remark about sex, but then her look changed, as if remembering that it was actually highly unlikely that Tom would do that. "I like living in my apartment, having my own space. Not that my mother ever made me feel claustrophobic but it is nice to have a space that is just mine, to do what I want with. And I do like working - you are right, I shouldn't demean what I do at all because I do love it, and that does make me pretty lucky really."
"Not to mention the sights you get to see at the club your best friend takes you to," Samantha added, making him laugh out loud.
"Yes! What would my life be like without seeing those! Especially Tony and Angelica!"
Samantha laughed but realised the moment had finally arrived where she could naturally ask him something that she had wanted to for a while, since they had started going to the club together.
"When you look at Angelica, doesn't it … you know?"
"Quit with the 'you know's, Samantha. You know that I hate when you say 'you know'. When I look at Angelica, doesn't it … what?"
He was still looking at her face and saw a slight blush come over it before she finally seemed to find the courage to speak quietly.
"You know … turn you on."
"Oh!" Tom said, find a small amount of amusement in her question.
"I mean, she never has her chest covered. Does it affect you?"
"Samantha, when we are there, there are lots of people who aren't wearing much…"
"I know, but she seems to pay particular attention to you."
Tom considered that. It confused him as he didn't think that was true, but it seemed to be an irrelevant viewpoint with regards to her original question so he disregarded it.
"I think when we first went, I was more shocked by what everyone was doing, rather than turned on. And I don't really notice it now."
"But how can you not notice it?"
"Well do you get turned on looking at the men in the club? Tony?" he asked and she burst out laughing, making him smile.
"No!"
"Well there you go then. What is the difference?"
"Tony doesn't look at me the way that Angelica looks at you."
Tom felt confused, and Samantha could see it on his face.
"I don't know what you are talking about. We are all there for the same thing really. Other people are just taking the sex side of things to different degrees, that is all. I don't think anyone is looking at anyone outside of their own partner, to be honest."
"But you do get turned on, Tom," she said and now saw a different look on his face, as if he had been caught out doing something naughty.
They looked at each other, Samantha wanting to know who it was that affected him so much, so often, and Tom wanting to not say anything at that point.
"Tom."
"Yes?"
"Do you get turned on when Angelica approaches you or is nearby?"
"No, I don't get turned on by Angelica."
"Then who? I know that you do get aroused … I've seen it!"
Now Tom felt his face go extremely red and he wished he hadn't rushed over to his house to tell her his news after all.
"Please stop, Samantha," he said as he stood up in natural reaction to want to leave.
"Why?" she asked, knowing full well she was riling him up but not stopping herself regardless.
Suddenly he looked at her with a look that almost emanated anger from him - an emotion that she had rarely saw on his face in their entire lifetime together to date.
"Because you won't like the answer! You are asking this question but you know as well as I do that it is a question that if I give you an answer to, you are not going to want to have heard it. And then you will do that thing where you take yourself off and not talk to me for however long, like you are punishing me, when it was you who pushed me to say it," he said to her loudly and instantly Samantha was surprised into silence, making him then tone his voice down slightly but still she could hear the emotion in it. "You have to stop asking me questions that you really don't want the answer to. Just stop."
Samantha watched him as he all of a sudden seemed to become deflated, as if he had said all that he could and now he was prepared for something to come from the words he had spoken.
"I have to go," he said quietly and made for the door.
"Tom!" she called out but his mind was made up and she watched as he opened, went through and then closed the door behind him.
Samantha sat on her bed once more and felt tears come to her eyes. She suddenly felt incredibly angry at herself. He was right - she had known what she was doing and in her heart of course she knew the answer to the question. She had wanted to bait him, as she had done hundreds of times before over their long friendship, and it wasn't fair that she had done it - not any time before today and especially today, over something so personal.
She lay down and hugged the large bear close to her, regretting deeply how she had just treated her best friend, yet again.
~~~~~
Tom marched out of her house full of anguish and embarrassment. He knew that she had known how aroused he got when they went to the club, but to hear her bring it up in conversation like that was beyond what he could handle. He was well used to her doing things like that - picking a subject that she knew would affect him so much - but this was the most personal thing she had worked to upset him about.
As he walked away from her home, he felt his mood quieten and his body relax. He cursed himself inwardly for his body being so reactive to everything. It wasn't as if he wanted to be turned on when he was around his closest friend, after all, and she must know that. Why did she have to bring it up and taunt him with it as heavily as she had?
Entering his apartment, he knew he had to push thoughts of her aside. Tomorrow he would be beginning training for his new position in the supermarket, and he couldn't … wouldn't … be distracted by her. Their friendship would weather this, as it did everything else, but for the first time in as long as he could remember, he found himself making the decision to actually take a break from seeing Samantha. She had done it many times during their friendship, but now he knew it was time for him to take a break from her. If he didn't, damage would be done and he knew it was only a matter of time before even small amounts of temporary damage in their friendship might become permanent, and he couldn't help that happen. Breaks were one thing. The thought of losing her as his friend forever was something completely different. Something he couldn't even let himsel
f ponder, the idea hurt so much.
~~~~~
The next day Tom began a new stage in his life, as a checkout supervisor. Despite working in a supermarket, he still had inside of him the determination to work as hard as he could in whatever he did, and to treat people as best he could. So he fitted in easily to the role, finding pleasure in assurances from his manager and other staff that he was going to be just fine in a supervisory capacity, with his easy going nature but advanced knowledge about the systems.
He didn't contact Samantha in the following weeks, nor did she contact him. But he was okay with that. He missed her, but knew that sometimes in order for them to remain friends, they had to have time apart. It was always a lonely time for him, but he would endure it, as he always had, and having the new job to help occupy his mind was his saviour for the moment.
~~~~~
A few weeks into his new position, Tom was setting up tills for an upcoming shift changeover when his manager approached him with a young woman at his side.
"Tom, this is Alexis. She has worked on checkouts in another supermarket before and has come in today, asking if we can offer her two days of work experience, with a view to her taking over Tina's role when she goes off for her maternity leave," he said and Tom nodded. "Can you please show Alexis around and arrange the hours she will work over the next few days?"
When the manager moved away, Tom looked at the young woman.
"Alexis. Nice name! I'm Tom," he said as he wrapped up his till count and held his hand out to her finally.
Alexis slowly and reluctantly touched and shook his hand, still feeling untrusting of people in general even though it had now been a while since she had run from Melbourne … since she had run from Lincoln.
From that moment Tom recognised that she was someone who had secrets, and he suspected that some of them were really not good. But he didn't push her for any personal details and over time the two of them slowly formed a friendship, as she was accepted into full time employment in the supermarket.
~~~~~
Samantha let a month pass before she contacted him. She felt guilty about having treated him so badly, and she knew from his absence in her life that she had hurt him this time. But she gave him some space, during which time she put her head down and focused on her learning, using her frustration in herself to create more designs, some of which were becoming extremely intricate and starting to attract the attention of her class tutors.
"I think someone is going to be passing this course with the title of Best Student," her friend Emma teased her at lunch one day.
Samantha smiled at her friend, used to this remark by now.
"Well I suppose someone has to, but we don't know who that person is yet, do we?"
Emma laughed at her.
"You will get it, I am sure. Your drawings are incredible, Samantha. I mean we are all doing okay but you are in another league altogether."
Samantha remained quiet, her mind wandering back to Tom, as it often did when she was not caught up in designing or studying.
"What is on your mind? You are always so thoughtful at lunchtimes these days, girl!"
"I argued with a friend of mine last month and I miss him."
"Then call him and tell him that."
Samantha looked at her with a look of surprise on her face.
"You reckon? You were the one who said we should walk away from people, when I was talking about breaking up with Scott."
"Oh boyfriends are different - throw them away whenever you can, I say. No, friends are always important. If this guy is someone you truly do value as a good friend, make the effort. Life is too short to let the good people slip away, Samantha. And the more time that passes, the harder it is to make it up to people."
That day after she finished her course hours, she walked into the supermarket and looked around for him.
"Can I help you?" a young woman asked her and pointed out where Tom was when Samantha told her she wanted to see him.
Samantha walked toward the area she had been directed to, and finally he came into view. He was talking to someone but seemed to just see her out of the corner of his eye. Instead of smiling at her as she expected him to, he moved his body so that he was between her and the person he was talking to, and his back was facing her.
Instantly Samantha felt a tear come to her eye as she regarded the action as a shun - a way for him to tell her that he didn't want to see her. He didn't want to know her. The thought was incredibly sad for her, but she accepted it and started to turn away, to return home.
~~~~~
Tom saw her in his peripheral vision and instantly his heart was beating too loudly for him to be able to concentrate on what his manager was saying to him, so he manoeuvred himself so he couldn't see Samantha anymore. He knew the conversation he was taking part in would only go for another minute or so, so he just had to hold his concentration for that long, giving his manager his full attention until he could get away.
As the conversation wrapped up he looked again to the area where Samantha had stood, but saw she was no longer there. Panicked, he walked as fast as he dared without attracting too much attention, and made for the front door of the supermarket.
Outside, he saw her walking along the peripheral edge of the car park.
"Samantha! Wait!" he called out and saw her stop, before slowly turning to look at him.
He ran to her and as he got closer could see her eyes - the redness and the fresh tears.
"What?" he automatically asked her, instantly worried now that something serious had happened to her. "What has happened to make you cry so much?"
Samantha looked at him, not at all surprised at his caring tone and concern for her. She looked up into his face and couldn't stop a heavy and very audible sob from coming out as she tried to articulate words.
"I upset my best friend and now … I … I miss him so much," she said and saw his face change from concern to a smile before he leaned in and pulled her tightly into his arms, kissing her forehead softly.
"Oh, you silly Samantha," he said, feeling a tear threaten in his own eyes. "I'm right here. I've missed you too."
They held each other for a long time, until he felt her body move from being rigid with the occasional sob passing through it, to finally melting in relaxation against him.
When she pulled away from him, he looked into her eyes and saw the most regret he had ever seen on her face.
"I'm sorry, Tom. I was being a cow and not thinking about how much it might hurt you when I was asking you those questions."
Tom nodded at her.
"You were winding me up, I know. And usually I can overlook it as a joke but some things are too personal for me, Samantha. There are some lines that we just can't cross in our banter. I can't stand being put in those situations with you."
"I know. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
"Yes you will," he said but with affection in his voice. "But it's okay. Let's just put this behind us, please. I've missed my best friend too."
The held each other for a while longer, before he pulled away. In doing so, she felt his hand come up and lightly touch the side of her cheek, and push a stray hair from her face.
"I have to get back inside - back to work," he said with some reluctance noticeable in his voice.
Samantha nodded and smiled sadly at him.
"It's Saturday tomorrow … pancakes?" he asked her and she laughed softly, finally starting to look more visibly relaxed.
"Yes please," she said quietly and he leaned in once more to kiss her on her forehead again, before smiling and walking back toward the supermarket doors.
~~~~~
The next morning Tom heard his apartment buzzer sound and he reluctantly drew himself out of bed and headed to the door. Opening it, he saw her standing there, looking extremely shy and uncertain, but he opened the door wider and welcomed her in, not thinking anything of his attire.
Samantha saw him in the doorway in just boxer shorts, and
was reminded again of how much his body had changed over recent years. She didn't want to look at him like she knew she was, but her eyes were drawn to his chest, shoulders and arms.
"Come in," she heard him say and the words were enough to draw her attention back to his face. She felt embarrassed by her own blatancy in having looked at him in such a way, but he seemed completely oblivious to it. "I just need to have a shower before we go," he said and then looked at her more closely. "Are you alright?"
Samantha nodded at him, keeping her eyes on his face for fear of what looking at his body was doing to her. Even in the club when he had taken off his t-shirt, she had been struck by his body, but then he was at least wearing jeans. Seeing his upper torso and now his legs as well, did start to affect her, and she made sure to definitely not let her eyes fall to his boxer shorts, for fear of what she might see there. These thoughts passed through her head quickly but they were enough for her to feel a slight blush move over her cheeks. Once again though, as always, Tom appeared to be completely oblivious to her reaction to him, as he was to any woman who reacted to him.
"Okay. Make yourself at home and I'll be back in a few minutes," he called out as he walked away from her, presenting her with a solid view of his back … and down.
Tom was still somewhat sleepy as he climbed into the shower, so for him it was easy to just shower, get dressed and then get back to her without really thinking much at all.
But while Samantha sat on his sofa, waiting, she had to actively … proactively … stop her thoughts from venturing where she knew they mustn't. And by the time he returned, now fully dressed in his jeans and well fitted long sleeve t-shirt, to him she appeared completely normal.
"Shall we go?" he asked her and she nodded, smiling at him as if her mind had been completely blank for the past twenty minutes.
~~~~~
Over their regular 'dining out' food - pancakes - they resumed talking as if nothing had happened between them.
"I am enjoying supervising the other checkout operators, and we have a couple of new staff members so I've been helping them to settle in. I am actually really enjoying being in this supervisor role. I didn't know if I would but I am."
Friendship of Desire (Painful Deliverance Book 3) Page 9