~~~~~
Later into the night, Tom excused himself in need to be alone.
"Alexis, Anthony, I am heading off to bed," he said, shaking Anthony's hand and kissing the cheek of Alexis.
They said their goodnights, and then he left the festivity, and made his way to bed. It was the same bed Alexis had slept in so many times, but tonight Tom and Samantha were sleeping in it. No-one questioned them being okay sleeping in the same bed. They had said they would be okay doing so, and since it made it easy to house everyone in the homestead for the wedding, no-one tried to talk them out of it.
He lay in bed in his t-shirt and shorts, and thought about the day. He knew things had to change in his life. Nothing was wrong but he just didn't want to be alone forever.
The loneliness unexpectedly and silently crept up on him and he felt a few quiet tears come to his eyes, followed by a flood. He was like this, trying to bury his face in his pillow, when he heard the bedroom door open and then close again, followed by the feeling of weight on the other side of the bed. He remained still, not wanting to upset Samantha that night with his seriousness, so hoped she would perceive him to be asleep. But she was perceptive - that was one thing he had come to love so much about her.
"I know you aren't asleep so don't even try to pretend you are," he heard her voice say.
"I wasn't pretending to be asleep," Tom muttered back, keeping his eyes out of her view.
He felt her get off the bed and then heard her changing, before she climbed under the covers, the weight on the mattress shifting once more.
"What's up?" she asked him softly from her far side of the bed.
"I'm fine. Just tired and needing sleep, I think."
"Tom, I saw you before you came in here. You weren't fine. Please turn over and talk to me."
Reluctantly he turned from his side to his back, but for a moment held his arm up so that his eyes were covered. As was usual Samantha style, though, he felt her hands pulling on that arm until finally he looked right at her.
Samantha saw the redness of his eyes and immediately felt protective of him.
"Why have you been crying? I mean I know people say that everyone cries at weddings but…" she started to say, trying to lighten his mood, but on seeing that he was not in the mood for humour, she continued to speak more from her heart. "Tom, what is it?" she asked softly.
He turned on his other side so he could look directly at her, and saw her do the same. Facing each other but with a large gap between them, he considered for a moment how that pretty much summed up their friendship - he always wanted to be on her side but she was always just out of reach to him.
"I don't want to talk about this right now, Samantha. Please don't ask me to. There are flow on effects from things on my mind, and now isn't the right time for me to voice them."
"But whatever it is, it is upsetting you."
"Yes, but talking about it won't make it any better … and it could make things much worse. So please, not tonight."
Samantha looked at his face and knew not to press him.
"Okay."
It was the first time that they had slept in the same bed together for so many years and he was very aware of her, but knew he couldn't be - wasn't allowed to be. He saw her lean over and turn off her bedside lamp, making the room go dark, and then he turned over to move to the very edge of the bed, and lay still, hoping she would fall asleep quickly, without hearing the heavy thumping of his heart.
9 ~ THE DECLARATION
Tom woke up the next morning feeling the extreme tiredness that came from lying awake well into the night. He had heard the moment that Samantha drifted off to sleep, and found listening to her breathing to be comforting to him, despite his emotions having been extremely alert and busy inside of his mind.
"Good morning," he heard the voice beside him say, startling him. He turned over to see Samantha lying where she had the night before - still a distance away and still lying on her side, watching him. "I've been waiting for you to wake up," she said quietly, almost as a whisper.
He watched her face before speaking. Even waking first thing in the morning she looked outstanding.
"Why?" he asked her and she smiled a sad smile at him.
"Tom, you were upset last night. I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me. Come on, let's have it. You have always been there for me when I've needed to talk. Now let me be there for you."
He took a deep breath and found conflict in his mind. If he told her how he felt and those feelings were not welcomed, the level of damage that could be impacted on their friendship deeply concerned him.
"It isn't quite the same thing…"
"And why not? Why should it be different for you to share things with me, in the same way that I share things with you?"
"Because this is about you," he said, and immediately saw a startled look on her face.
"Me? What did I do? I didn't think I drank that much…"
Tom looked at her, concern growing in his heart and his head.
"Samantha, you didn't do anything."
"Please tell me what you are thinking then."
She spoke at such a quiet and peaceful level that it felt extremely intimate to him. Finally he took a deep breath and decided he had nothing to lose - if their friendship was strong enough it would withstand this, he hoped.
"I don't know exactly at what point," he started, and watched her face as she intently began listening to him. "But somewhere along the way my feelings for you have … changed."
Samantha heard the words and held her breath. Whatever it was that he had to say, she had prompted him to speak of so she could not tune out and ignore the words that might come now.
"I'm sorry if they are not welcome, but Samantha…"
Suddenly he saw her hand go up and he immediately stopped speaking.
"Stop. If you are going to walk away from our friendship, I couldn't stand that so take a minute before you do that, please Tom."
"What?" he asked, confused now at where she had thought the conversation was going. "No, I wasn't going to say that! Why would I say that?"
"I know I can be annoying," she started to say and he cut her off immediately with a 'don't give me that rubbish' look that she knew so well.
She then remained quiet and encouraged him to keep speaking.
"I've never been with a woman, not for sex and not for … dating. And I want you to know and understand that you are the reason for that."
"I have never stopped you from dating…"
"No, you misunderstand me. You are the person I want to be with. I want you to be … more than my friend, Samantha. I want you to be the first person I … have sex with. I want you to be the first person … in everything."
He paused and let her absorb the words he was saying to her. Samantha heard the words but something wasn't quite registering with her. It couldn't be as he was saying. He had always been her friend. That was all he had ever wanted them to be.
She looked at him, the confusion clear on her face.
"I don't…" she started to say but the words drifted off and she saw him look down and nod his head.
"I know. I know that you don't feel the same way. I get that and I respect it, but I can't help how I feel. And I've tried to hold back from saying anything, because I don't want to risk losing your friendship…"
Samantha knew from that sentence that she couldn't be misinterpreting what she was hearing. He then started talking again, making her heart beat faster.
"I really don't want to ruin our friendship. You mean too much to me…"
Tom was mid sentence when he became suddenly aware that she was moving closer to him - much closer. Then he was feeling her arm come out and move over his, pulling herself even closer still, until they were facing each other, their faces only a breath apart.
He held his breath, too many emotions now flowing through his mind and his body, but nothing had prepared him for her leaning in and … kissing him.
&nb
sp; Samantha didn't care if she'd heard wrong. The moment was there and she was pretty sure she had understood correctly. It was a revelation that made her heart sing and she had to kiss him.
As their lips touched, Tom was aware of how different it felt to be kissing her, from that initial kiss he had experienced in high school. Then it had been lips touching lips in a practical sense with no more attachment in it. This was different.
He pulled away and looked at her face, and was shocked to see the look she held then. Slowly he moved in toward her again, taking his time to make sure she was aware of what was happening, but she didn't push him away. And she didn't stop him.
She felt him find his way in the kiss, remembering that even though she had still not been sexual with anyone, she had shared many kisses with Scott, and Paul before him. She felt his hand come up and touch her cheek, then run through her hair, as if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to do to her.
They remained like that for a long time, lying close to one another and kissing softly, both surprised that the other wasn't pulling away.
When they came apart, they remained as close, looking into one another's eyes, and finally Samantha spoke.
"I haven't been with anyone either."
"But … Scott … and the club when you guys were going?"
"No, Tom. He wasn't the right person for me, and I think I did know that all along. Just as I knew Paul wasn't right for me, before that."
He looked confused for a moment.
"You are still a virgin too?" he asked and she nodded at him, making him catch his breath.
"Tom, don't you know? You are the person I have always been waiting for."
"I've been right here."
"Yes, but … you never seemed … interested in me, not like that anyway."
She saw him express a look of horror at the realisation, and she laughed at him softly.
"I know that we've always had our moments - ones that other people could never understand - but Tom, you are the best man I know. The best man I have ever known."
~~~~~
After lying in bed for a long while, enjoying just holding each other, Samantha and Tom heard life start to emerge outside their door as other people began to get up.
With the wedding having been on a Sunday, today was a normal weekday even though everyone in the house had taken time from their jobs to be there in the homestead to enjoy time with the bride and groom.
"We need to get up," Tom said to Samantha finally, having listened to the sounds outside. "We can talk about … us … when we get home?" he said to her, with a question in his voice.
Samantha nodded.
"Yes, today is still a wedding day. Let's just enjoy it with Alexis and Anthony. And maybe not act as if anything is … different?"
He nodded in agreement and that was the end of the conversation … after she leaned in and kissed him once more.
~~~~~
Throughout the morning Tom and Samantha acted as they normally did, hoping that no-one would see anything different when they looked at them. The only person they weren't sure about was Alexis, who sometimes seemed to have a sixth sense about things and had always, since the very first time she had seen them together, been suggestive about Tom and Samantha being meant to be together.
Finally the time came for the two of them to catch their five hour train journey back to their home city - recently having been the home of Alexis also before she had finally moved down here to be with Anthony full time.
Alexis hugged Samantha.
"Oh thank you so much for being here, and for designing my dress! I know how much work you put into it, Samantha."
"It was my pleasure, Alexis. You looked so beautiful in it, it was you who made it really, not me."
Alexis turned to Tom and as always loved the feeling of his arms wrap around her. As they hugged he heard her very distinctly whisper in his ear, in a way that no-one else would hear.
"I think you might have some gossip for me next time we catch up."
She could feel him smile against her cheek, and when he pulled away he had a bashful look on his face even though he was trying so hard to hide it.
Anthony came forward then and said goodbye to the two of them, and then Samantha was leading Tom to the train.
As they settled back into their seats, Tom tentatively reached out his hand to take hers, stopping short in case it was not welcome, but he smiled as she reached out hers also and confidently took his hand and held it tight.
~~~~~
Back at his house Anthony found himself pulled aside by Alexis.
"I have an idea that I want to ask you about. You might not like it…"
Anthony looked at his new bride and was alarmed at her choice of words but let her lead him into their bedroom.
"The dress - my wedding dress that Samantha made for me," she started and saw Anthony nod with a confused look on his face. "I want to use … contacts … to get it into a women's magazine. To help Samantha get some attention for her work."
Anthony analysed the words said to him and at first did not understand which part of her speech that he wouldn't like, as she had said. Then it hit him fully.
"You want … Lincoln … to help you."
She nodded with uncertainty clear on her face.
"Yes. I know it isn't … ideal … but he has contacts and resources, Anthony. If you really don't want me to, I won't. I just feel like she is so talented and if there is any chance I can help her…"
Alexis found her words cut off by him kissing her all of a sudden - deeply. When he pulled away from her, he saw she was slightly stunned, which made him smile.
"I don't like what you went through with him but I agree with you. If you can make a call and that results in a friend getting her work out there, to be seen by others, I support you in that. But only if you feel comfortable doing it, Allie. You wouldn't contact him if you were still scared of him, right? Not even for a friend…"
Now Alexis kissed him.
"Not even for a friend. I am okay. When I talked to him at the gallery it was alright. It will be alright, I promise. And now that I think about it more, I might even try and do it through Hannah, rather than directly talk to him."
"Okay," he said and paused, stroking her cheek lightly with his finger. "You are such a generous, wonderful woman, my lovely bride."
~~~~~
On the long five hour train journey home, Samantha was quiet - a fact that was very noticeable to Tom. He wanted to wait and see if she would bring up their conversation of that morning, but when she didn't he took the initiative and broached the subject.
"Are you okay, Samantha? Are you having regrets about what we talked about?"
Samantha looked at him - this man she had known for more than 20 years.
"No, no regrets, Tom. I think my emotions have gotten away on me a bit so I just want us to ease slowly into … whatever it is that we both want to happen."
Tom felt her tighten her hold on his hand and took it as reassurance that all would be well.
"Alexis looked beautiful in your dress," he said, purposely changing the subject to help her relax.
"I know!" she responded, immediately transformed into the lively and energetic person he knew her to be when she was at ease with everything. "I wasn't sure about that colour for a wedding dress when she chose it that day, but she looked stunning in it. I think that no matter what happens with my career - if I have a career in dressmaking - that dress will always be my favourite."
~~~~~
A week later Samantha sat with Tom in the local café where they so often went for pancakes, when she felt vibrating in her pocket. When she reached in and took out her mobile phone, she saw an unknown number on the screen.
"Hello?"
"Samantha Young?"
"Yes."
"Hello Samantha, my name is Hannah. I am calling you on behalf of Lincoln Kokiri. Mr Kokiri saw photographs of a wedding dress you recently designed and would li
ke to meet with you to talk about having your work - particularly that dress - featured in a magazine article he is currently negotiating, showcasing up and coming fashion designers."
"What?"
Samantha heard the woman on the other end of the phone laugh at the sound of Samantha's evident shock.
"Sorry, I know you don't know me so I understand this is probably unexpected. I would like to arrange for you to come to Melbourne to meet with Mr Kokiri to discuss how this could work for both of you. He will pay for your travel and accommodation for one night, and you are welcome to bring a partner or friend with you also."
"I … I don't know what to say."
"It is a big decision, of course. Can I leave it to you to think about it for a couple of days, and then call you again? The article is due in the magazine out month after next so there is approximately four weeks until the final proofs need to be submitted to the company for review. If you could come up next week, that would be ideal."
"I am in my last year of study and attend course full time Monday to Friday. I shouldn't really take any days off…"
"That is fine. Mr Kokiri anticipated that and is happy to meet with you over a weekend. I can arrange for you to fly here Saturday morning and then return Sunday evening."
"Okay…"
"Okay … you are saying yes? Or okay, you will think about it?"
"I will think about it for the next couple of days and then give you an answer."
After formal goodbyes Samantha looked at Tom and he could see she had received some kind of shock.
"What is it? Bad news?"
"I … I don't know. It was a woman who said she works for Lincoln Kokiri, and that he wants to feature the wedding dress I made for Alexis, in a magazine."
Tom looked at her, considering the name she had said. He remembered the day that he had come face to face with Lincoln Kokiri in the supermarket - when he had looked like he was charging toward Tom, as if to punch him. Alexis had later explained that Lincoln had been upset because he had seen Tom give her a ride in his car.
"Maybe it is some kind of joke?" Samantha was asking, then presenting a face that said she thought she had been pranked. "Of course it was a joke! Oh I am so stupid to think something like that could happen to me."
Friendship of Desire (Painful Deliverance Book 3) Page 11