by Andre Fenton
I could see the emotions on Mom’s face shift: from angry to frustrated to disappointed to just…lost. I had never seen her like that before. I didn’t know what else to say, I don’t think there was anything else I could say after that. Who did she think she was? How was she acting any different than Nan did when Mom broke curfew in the memory?
“Annaka, that’s not a line you cross.” Mom crossed her arms.
“No. I’m just supposed to pretend the line isn’t even there, right? I’m just supposed to accept things the way they are.” I threw my hands up in exasperation. “We’ve been here for weeks, and you haven’t even toyed with the idea of me meeting my dad.”
That caused her to pause.
“Some people are better left in the past,” Mom said quietly.
“Well he was never in mine to begin with!” I shot back. “Where is he? Where is he, huh?”
Mom shook her head. “I’m not having this conversation with you.” She turned to the staircase.
“You never do.”
“You’re right, I never do.” Mom agreed, walking up the stairs. “You do what you want, it’s your life after all. If you wanna be a high school dropout, if you wanna fail and tarnish the name of Rudy Brooks, then you do you.”
“Oh, that’s new,” I spat. “You’re making it about someone else for once.”
That’s when she looked back, and I saw she was actually a little choked up. It was then I knew how hard the words hit because she didn’t reply, she just continued up the stairs.
Everything was silent. I stood there feeling a mixture of things: regret, anger, but mostly sadness. I didn’t want that to go down the way it did, but it did. I walked upstairs to my room and to lay in bed. I was trying to remember when things were easier. Before death, before grief, before loss.
I lay in bed thinking. I couldn’t believe I seen my dad. That had to be him, right? His name was Blake Morrison. Could he still be in town? Could he be gone? Of course Mom wouldn’t talk about it. I rolled over to look outside through the gap in the curtains; there were a lot of stars in the sky that night. I decided I wanted a better view, so I grabbed my comforter and went outside. I climbed up to the tree house, wrapped myself in the blanket. I placed my head in my hands and closed my eyes.
“Hey,” I heard Clay say. When I opened my eyes he was already sitting beside me. “Sounds like you need a friend right now.”
“You think?” I said in a sarcastic tone.
“So…you feeling okay?” Clay asked. “After today?”
“Feeling okay? Not really, no. That was a lot for me. That argument with Mom…that was a lot too.” I sighed.
“It didn’t sound great.”
“You heard all that?”
“I’m always around somewhere.” Clay looked at me.
“So…is there anything else in the journal about Blake?”
“Unfortunately, that was all I had. I was hesitant to show you at first.”
“Why?”
He gave me a small smile. “Because I know how you react to things.”
“I don’t really think that was an over-the-top reaction, Clay, all things considered.”
“Never said it was.” Clay continued. “I just know you. You’re a seeker. You don’t leave any stone unturned if there’s anything you can do about it. I knew you would want to find out more. I was hesitant, because that was all I have. I just didn’t want to let you down, that’s all.”
“You’re not the one who has to worry about letting anyone down, okay?”
“Noted.”
“So, let me get this straight. We can’t go back in time, kidnap Blake, go forward, and find him in the same spot?”
“You watch too many movies,” Clay said with a laugh. “This isn’t time travel. It never was.”
“Can you explain? I think I’ve had enough of these stage lights and magic tricks. I need you to unravel the enigma. The going back in time, it’s…?”
“It’s the way you wrote it, and how he wrote it too.” Clay moved his hand, erasing the reality around us. We were surrounded by darkness again, in the dark place. Clay snapped his fingers, and portals began forming all around us. As I looked around, each portal visualized a memory I had written in the journal. One portal showed Grampy and I at Cape Forchu; another showed all of us sitting around a Christmas tree; another showed the first time I had met Clay. Long buried, they were all coming back to me.
For the first time in my life, something was beginning to make sense. I had never understood Clay’s powers as much as I wanted, but something clicked. he created the memories as we remembered them, as they were written. I could talk to Grampy in mine, because it was my memory. I could also just observe if I wanted.
“You held on to all of this for so long,” I said, as much with wonder as with sympathy.
“You created me to be your friend, but over time I grew into the keeper of these memories. Along that journey, I carried yours, but I also found Rudy’s.”
“I want to see more.” I said. My eyes couldn’t stay off the portals. I knew Grampy was a man full of secrets, but I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to know who he really was. I wanted to know it all. I spent so much of my life living in the dark, and these memories brought light to a tangible history I could unravel. One that could make me feel complete. One that could solve my own mysteries.
“This isn’t a process we can rush, Anna.” Clay’s voice filled the air as the portals faded. “We take it slow, and on my terms, okay?”
I knew there wasn’t any other way. So I said, “Okay. Your terms. We do this your way.”
There had to be more about my father, there had to be more about Grampy…and I felt so close to understanding all of it.
“In the meantime, I just wanted to get you away from all that,” Clay continued. “It sounds like you need a friend right now,” he repeated as we faded back to the reality of the tree house.
“I do,” I agreed. And without hesitation I embraced him in a hug and he hugged me back. I was glad he was around. Clay meant the world to me, and I was never going to let him go again.
Chapter 10
Taz relaxed on my lap as I rehashed the argument with Tia. It was an in-service day so I was hanging out at her place. I wasn’t in the mood to be home.
“It sounds like you and your mom really got into it.”
“Yeah, it felt good to say all of it in the moment, but now I’m just down about it. I avoided her this morning.” The morning after an argument is always awkward. I wish I could say that it didn’t happen a lot, but it did. Maybe not to the degree of the night before, but Mom and I didn’t say a word to each other that morning. I tried to get out of the house without her seeing me, but I know she did. I’m pretty sure she gave me the benefit of the doubt, though. I’m sure she didn’t have much to say to me either. I was okay with that.
“I think she’s trying her hardest.” Tia looked up at me. Tia was always good at seeing the other side of the argument. Empathy was her strong suit, but I didn’t want to hear that right now. I kinda just wanted my own feelings to be validated.
“Maybe. But I’m done just being someone whose sole purpose is to exist in her world.”
“Fair enough.” Tia was quiet for a minute and then said, “Listen, you didn’t reply to my text.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just needed to get away.”
“No,” Tia cut in. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be on your back about school. I know you’re going at your own pace, and it shouldn’t matter where you go. And I guess being in a building surrounded by pictures of your grandfather doesn’t help.” She paused. “Sorry—”
“No.” It was my turn to cut in. “That’s exactly it. Mom doesn’t understand that. I’m surrounded by the person I’m trying to grieve. The giant photo of him in the lobby, the notes on his classroom door, the way
students and teachers always speak about him, and how they just see me as his granddaughter. ”
“That must be…awful. I’m sorry, Anna.”
“I learned some things about him, y’know,” I said. I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but I needed to vent.
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
I guess there wouldn’t be any harm in telling her about his journal entries, as long as I didn’t mention Clay.
“He had his own set of entries in the journal he gave me. I found some old entries of his; one that really stood out to me was when he found out about my mom being pregnant.”
“Oh shit.” Tia dropped the CD in her hand. “What did you find out?”
“That Mom ran off for three days. She was scared, worried about my grandparents’ reaction.”
“Damn.” Tia thought for a moment, then continued: “I would be worried too, though. It’s kinda weird thinking about our parents being vulnerable, huh?”
It was. Mom always seemed like she had everything together. But seeing her sitting with Grampy in the truck, screaming and crying, made me realize that parents are only human. And, honestly? Seeing that changed me. My memories of Mom were of her always knowing exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. But in that moment she had been lost…just like I feel a lot of the time. Maybe, I thought, she doesn’t always have it together. Maybe, like everyone else in this world, she’s growing as we spin along with it.
“Did you learn anything else?” Tia asked.
“Yeah…. There was a part where Grampy wrote about my dad. I guess he almost beat him up and everything.”
“Oh my gosh, for real?” Tia was stunned.
“Yeah. He used to live little ways outside of town in a trailer. I guess he frequently went to the bar down by the waterfront. That’s about it.” I shrugged. “I went as far as driving out of town, hoping to find where he lived. Turns out that was just wishful thinking.”
“But it’s a start, yeah? Are you going to keep looking?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “By the sounds of it, he wasn’t exactly a stand-up person. He seemed like a bit of a loser, to be honest.”
“Do you think you could get anything out of finding him? Like, I dunno, closure or something?”
Closure was a funny word. It had been almost seventeen years; I didn’t think closure was something my father could ever give me.
“I don’t know. He would just be a stranger, really,” I said, but I knew deep down he was a stranger I still wanted to meet. Was that the worst thing in the world? Just to say, Hey, I exist? I knew there wouldn’t be much room for a relationship, but I still thought about the what-ifs.
“Do you know his name?”
“Blake Morrison. That was what was written in the journal, at least.”
“Can’t say the name sounds familiar. But who knows, he could still be in town?”
“Or he could be in Montreal, Toronto, or Vancouver. A lot can change.”
“You’re right about that.” Tia smiled. “But you didn’t. You’ve been a disappearing act lately. A mystery I’m still trying to solve.”
Yeah, just like everyone else in my family, I thought.
“I don’t think there’s much else besides what you see on the surface,” I said.
“And I think that’s a bold-faced lie,” she cut me off. “My childhood best friend had the most beautiful mind on this side of the world. You have more depth than most, Anna, but I think you’re just afraid to show the world who you really are. I’m not going to chase you over it, but I just want you to know that you don’t have to hide who you are with me.”
I smiled. Tia could read me like a book. I was hiding something—well, someone. I felt a weight of guilt because Clay had always had to hide while I got to explore. I was so scared someone would take him away. I knew no one could ever find out about him.
After I hung out with Tia, I got in the truck and drove off. I didn’t really feel like going home right away. I didn’t really want to see Mom yet. Maybe sightseeing would be a healthy way to let off steam.
“I’m happy to see you’re still friends with Tia.” Clay faded into the passenger seat.
“Jesus!” I jumped and hit the brakes. “Do you always gotta make an entrance like that?”
“There’s no other way to do it.” Clay shrugged. “Thanks for not telling Tia about me.”
“What could I say?” I laughed as I hit the gas again. “Not like I can just be like, ‘I ran into Clay, my imaginary friend from when I was a kid, and we’ve been spending time together, catching up, jumping back to the past, learning about things I’m not supposed to.’”
“To be fair, she was always the rebellious one.” Clay shrugged.
“And how do you know that?”
“You used to write about her.” Clay shrugged again. “You wrote an entire entry about her birthday party once, then another about how often you would spend time on the waterfront together.” I turned onto the road to downtown.
“Oh, yeah?”
I did remember the time we spent down by the waterfront. Tia’s dad, Jonathan, would sometimes buy us ice cream and we’d play on the docks.
“Do you want a refresher?”
I glanced at him to see if he was serious. “Kinda.”
I pulled into the parking lot of an abandoned bank that looked like it had been deserted for some time. There was no one around so Clay picked up the journal, flipped through a couple pages close to the beginning, gave me a nod, and extended his hand. We touched, and I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, Clay’s hand was Tia’s, and she was gripping it hard, spinning round and round and round.
“Woah!” I yelled. “What’s going on?”
We both fell down and she laughed out loud. I looked around to see we were on the waterfront, the sun high and boats passing by.
“You were always such a goofball.” I smirked.
Tia stuck her tongue out at me and ran across the docks. I got up and followed her.
“Hey!” I yelled. “Where are you going?” That’s when I realized I, too, was a kid. I couldn’t really pretend to be the adult here. I guess I would just go along with it. I followed Tia as she ran along the edge with her hands extended, which I thought was quite risky, but I remember doing it with her as a kid.
“Girls!” I heard in the distance. I turned to see a stressed-out looking Jonathan running towards us. “Get away from the edge!” he yelled.
Tia laughed, but I was starting to get worried too. Being a kid really is carefree; I could finally see why we stressed that man out so much. I ran up, grabbed Tia’s arm, and pulled her back. She fell on top of me in a fit of laughter and fun.
I looked up to see Jonathan’s red face let out a sigh of relief. “Tia! What did I tell you yesterday?” He crossed his arms.
She sat up. “No running away anymore.”
“And what did you just do?” he scolded.
“Run away!”
Tia got up and ran. I laughed watching her running towards the sidewalk as Jonathan helped me to my feet.
As she ran, I began to remember that day more clearly. We had spent the afternoon on the waterfront, Tia ended up getting lost, Jonathan had a meltdown, and….
“Tia!” Jonathan called. “Tia, where did you go?” He looked left and right, franticly. “Shit, shit, shit!” He gripped my hand, bringing me along as he ran. “Did you see where she went?”
“Towards the sidewalk!” I pointed. It was weird; I knew where she was and that she was okay. I could have told him that Tia had crawled under the small opening of the red warehouse near the waterfront, but a part of me really wanted to see this memory play out again.
Jonathan rushed with me towards the sidewalk. “Tia Evans!” he shouted.
I got my hand free from Jonathan’s grip, and looked to my left t
owards the small opening. I could see a little red shoe.
“Mr. Evans!” I tugged his arm and pointed to the shoe. “She has to be this way.”
“Good eye, Annaka.” Jonathan ran.
“Tia? Tia!” He yelled. “Are you inside?”
“Dad?” I heard a frightened voice. “Dad? Where are you?”
“Come back the way you went in—I’m here!”
“I’m stuck!” Tia cried.
Jonathan let out a frustrated sigh and tried to force his way in. He was too big.
“Dang it.”
“I’ll get her!” I volunteered.
“Nope! There’s no way I’m losing two kids in one day,” Jonathan said, looking around for someone to help. But by the time he looked back, I had already crawled through the hole.
“Annaka!” he called in a defeated voice.
Inside the warehouse was dark, but light filtered in through the cracks. I looked around to see that there were lots of barrels, lobster cages, and fishing equipment in there.
“Tia!” I called “Where are you?”
“I’m over here!” she yelled.
I looked and saw that Tia’s foot had gotten caught in a rope holding barrels together.
“Tia!” I called. When I reached her, I asked, “How did you get stuck in there?” That still baffled me. The weird part was, so much of reliving this memory felt organic—some reactions felt automatic. I wasn’t in complete control, but I was still participating. “You were always such a rebel.” I whispered.
“Just help me!” She looked scared.
“You’re gonna be okay.” I smiled as I grabbed her hand. “Spin in my direction, just like we were doing outside.” I began spinning with her slowly.
“Okay.” I could see her eyes were puffy.
As we spun, the rope began to unravel, and her leg eventually came loose. She looked over at me and gave me a hug.
“See?” I told her. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“I wanna go home,” was all she said.