“I’m okay. Sorry, I was thinking…” I mutter, pushing his hand away and taking a deep breath.
We’re in the middle of the cold season; therefore Hank is sleeping next to me. In the hotter weather, we can’t stand to be near each other, yet through the cooler change, we cuddle up at night to keep each other warm.
I like to imagine when I drift off to sleep that Marduke has his arms wrapped around me and I am safe in his arms. I know Hank thinks of Lisa because sometimes, just before he drifts off, he whispers her name, a smile forming over his lips at the thought of being with her. However, it doesn’t matter what we can convince ourselves of when we fall asleep, our nightmares will just remind us of the hell we’re trapped in.
I always see the last day with Marduke and Logan. It plays out as if it is a disc that keeps skipping and replaying the same part over and over. Hank’s nightmares usually just involve Lisa being terrorised by the machines. Sometimes, the small girls who managed to find a place in Hank’s heart make an appearance. The one thing that is always the same is that Hank can’t get to them. He can’t help them. All he can do is watch them being killed while he is helpless.
I might wake up from my nightmares needing to empty my stomach, but Hank often wakes up in a rage. He storms out of our small tent and runs away, punching any solid surface he can find to take out his frustration and anger. It’s a miracle he hasn’t broken any bones, although a few of his knuckles and fingers don’t look quite right. He never complains about being in pain, however.
“Mattie, are you sure you want to do this? You’ve been getting worse, more distracted.” Hank grabs hold of my hand and squeezes it, reminding me to stay present and to answer him. It gives me comfort to know I’m not alone in this.
“Yes, I need to do this,” I tell him, watching as he stares into my eyes, searching for something. He often does that. I think he’s trying to convince himself to insist I don’t go with him. He’s looking for a weakness he can latch onto and prove I should stay behind, though he never voices this. Not to me.
As much as he doesn’t want me to be involved in our mission, he also can’t stand the thought of losing me, too. Right now, we’re all each other has, and we are each other’s strength through this.
Actually, Hank isn’t alone on this planet. His father and brother made it to Roth. They’re both strong, no nonsense men who have been pillars of strength through this transition. They have helped a lot of women and men by keeping people calm and deciding to set out jobs.
We don’t have anything to do here, but slowly, they have been bringing us things from Earth. The tent we’re in right now is from Earth. They have also brought tools, and since they don’t damage the machines enough to harm them—they’ve tried many times to kill them—they have set to work cutting down trees in the forest and attempting to make shelters and cabins out of them. No one here wants to make Roth their home, but the work is tiresome and long and some people need to wear themselves out.
I’ve often accompanied the women and men who make their way into the forest to cut down the trees, but the bright greenness of the forest freaks me out. It feels unnatural and the quiet that comes with no animals is strange as well. It’s a strong reminder we’re not anywhere on Earth.
“I know we don’t really mention it to each other, but we both know this mission… well, it’s not going to… I mean, we’re going to die, Mattie. At best, we’ll take down some machine assholes, but that’s it. Getting Earth back…” he trails off then I watch him take a deep breath. “...I don’t know if it’s possible. It’s definitely not for our small army of five.”
Yep, five people. Sadly, that is actually counting Marduke and me. After the hope and confidence Hank had when I first got to Roth when he spoke his impassioned speech, we are down to an army of five.
In some ways, going through with this mission sounds ridiculous, but I think we’ll have an advantage with such a small number. We will be able to sneak under their radar, we will be able to blend in easier, and hopefully, it will be enough to get me close enough to Ival to end him.
“This isn’t a suicide mission,” I lie because we both know it is. “We’re going to make them pay.” I lean in and hug him, resting my head on his shoulder. I often do this, just needing the physical contact. His arm moves around me and holds me to him, his chin leaning on my head.
Hank is the brother I never had. He’s my only friend on Roth as well as my rock. Without him, I likely would have gone mad. He’s given me a way to focus my anger and has kept me from wallowing in self-pity.
“You two are idiots if you think you’ll live through your plan long enough to make a difference. We lost this fight. The sooner you realise that and accept it, the sooner you can start to let this bullshit go,” Hank’s brother, Brick, snaps.
We share a small tent with him and his father, Andy. They usually sleep through my screams while I have a nightmare. After the first few times of trying to calm down Hank after his nightmares, they just let him go now as well. I usually hear their combined snores soon after I have woken up. It’s not that they are heartless or bad people, but we are all going through our own stuff. Brick was separated from his fiancée, and Andy is still stuck in his cop-mode. Andy ignores his own pain and focuses on doing his job.
“Shut up, just because you’re too pussy to—”
Hank is ripped from my side, his brother grabbing onto his shirt and holding him down to the ground, leaning over him. “I’m not a selfish fuck like you. I’m not suicidal, and I know what we need right now is patience and to be calm. You guys spurting out your crap about starting a war and winning us Earth back is bullshit. You’re getting people’s hopes up and for nothing. You won’t even make it off this stupid planet, and you’ll be killed for your trouble. Dad is just barely holding it together, and you want to throw your life away. How do you think Dad will deal with that? How do you think I will?” Brick hisses, however I can already see his Dad sitting up, watching his two sons arguing.
“I’m throwing what fucking life away exactly? Roth has no life for us, and I’d rather go down fighting for what I believe in than live another fucking boring second on this planet, waiting for a chance that will never come to fall in our laps,” Hank snaps, pushing Brick off him.
Brick falls back easily, giving up this fight. It’s an occurrence that has happened many times already and the outcome is always the same.
“Boys, just take a breath,” Andy states calmly, his pain evident on his face. His affection for his kids breaks my heart because he reminds me of my own dad when he looks at his sons lovingly.
Brick storms out of the tent, this time he needs to vent.
Hank makes a move to follow, his anger still evident, but I grab his arm and pull him back down to my side. The last thing any of us need is a fight. “Just leave him.”
I hate that our mission is putting a wall up between Hank and his family. I would give anything to be with my family again, yet would I be able to let go of my anger? Let go of the hate I feel over what happened to Marduke and Logan?
I’m not sure I could, and Hank definitely can’t. He and Lisa might have only just recently admitted their feelings out loud for each other, but I know they have been in love with each other since they first met. Lisa couldn’t stop gushing over the “drunken guy” at the frat party. She was immediately smitten with him.
What’s more, even drunk, Hank realised she was something special to him. Once he found Lisa, he never let her go, insisting he hang out with us every spare chance he had. He might have been slow to admit his feelings for her, and yes, it took the end of the world for him to man up, but there is not one part of Hank that doesn’t know he and Lisa will end up together. When you think you have all the time in the world, you tend to get a little bit lazy and over-think things. Hank’s future is Lisa, and there is no one that will stop him from being with her.
He has a chance to find Lisa, even if it’s tiny. Me? I have no chance of finding Marduke. I k
now this, which is why my heart is only full of hatred. I want revenge because even though, deep down, I knew there was no chance of a future for me and Marduke, I hoped for one. I wanted to see where things would go for us. I wanted to stay in his arms and hear his stories. I wanted a life with him that was impossible.
Logan was only a child; he didn’t deserve the ending he got, and I can’t live knowing his murderer is free. Ival is far scarier than the machines that control us, and I know he enjoyed hurting Marduke by killing Logan. He enjoyed inflicting pain, and I plan on letting him know how that feels.
Hank settles in next to me, his body tense and his hands locked into fists. He’s angry, agitated and frustrated. The carefree Hank I had known is long gone. I doubt I will ever see that man again. Instead, I only have Hank the warrior, the fighter.
Also long gone is the person I used to be. I am lost. My only purpose is to get revenge, and maybe, if we can have some sort of miracle, we can get Earth back.
***
We don’t speak again, but I know all three of us don’t sleep. Brick never returns, and as soon as the second sun rises, Hank leaves.
I’m lost in my own thoughts, my own memories, when Andy interrupts me.
“I wish you’d realise how foolish your plan is.”
I turn my head, watching as Andy struggles to get to his feet. He often appears fearless and strong, both physically and mentally, but at times like these, when he attempts to get on his feet after a night on a hard surface, I see his age coming through.
“I do,” I admit.
“I know you’re hurting, so is Hank, but this isn’t the answer. You kids are young; you’ve got your whole…” He winces. Hank’s words about Roth having no life for us are most likely echoing in his mind. “You’ve got too much to lose. You’re too young to throw it all away. I lost my wife ten years ago, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Now… now, I’m going to lose my boy.” His voice hitches and my heart breaks into pieces. How much more heartbreak can I handle?
“I’m sorry Mr. Fields, but—”
“It’s Andy,” he interrupts.
“Right. Andy, it’s not so easy. He’s hurting. I’m hurting. I can’t stand to live another second on this planet. I hate it here, and I’d rather die trying to do something useful than be here.”
“You’re both being stubborn. It’s not great here, I know, but we can get through this. We just need to stick together.”
“Don’t you want to get Earth back? Don’t you want to be home again?”
“Home to what? We’ve already lost so many men and women; what are we going back to if we all go to war? I know you’re away from your parents and friends, and I understand that this is harder for you, but I still have my boys. I can’t stand to lose them. I promised their mother I’d take care of them. I can’t sit by and watch my boy kill himself.”
“There are causalities in war. Without them, we’d have lost many wars before this,” I point out.
“But you’re not going to win this. There is no chance. I’m going to lose Hank, and it’s going to tear me apart. Then it’s going to tear Brick apart, and I’ll have lost them both.”
My heart aches for him, knowing his pain won’t ever go away. Hank won’t give up this fight and nothing Andy says will change it.
“Listen, I know I never met your parents, but I know you’re a good kid. I knew it from the visits you had when Hank brought you and Lisa over. I feel like I owe it to your parents to keep you safe, so you’re important to Hank as well as to me. I don’t want to lose either of you. You need to be smart, and this mission you’re determined to follow through with isn’t smart.”
I tear up at his words, imaging that, if Dad were here, he’d be giving me a similar speech. He would be begging me not to do this, yet it doesn’t change how I feel.
I need to do this.
“Just think about it.” Andy’s hand rests heavily on my shoulder, no doubt seeing the lost cause that I am. Then he leaves me alone in the tent while I wipe at my eyes.
I haven’t cried much since I arrived on Roth. When I’m living in my nightmares and just after I wake, I can’t help the tears that fall. However, when I’m awake, I try to stay away from crying.
Crying feels like I am accepting what I’m feeling, and I refuse to accept this pain. Not until I’ve made Ival pay for what he’s done. Not until this is over.
I take deep breaths, and once my eyes dry, I stand and move out into the cool air.
Tents litter the ground, making a maze to get through. There is no order in how they have been dumped. One of the first things we got here were tents. Most were set up when I arrived. Hank, Brick and Andy were already sharing one when I joined. It’s a little cramped, but there is enough for three small mats, so Hank and I share ours when the weather permits it.
Other supplies that have been brought in are toilets and showers. The toilets are just the portable ones found at festivals or construction sites. The showers were only installed a few days after I arrived. So for people that had spent a few weeks on here before I came, they were long overdue.
Medical supplies have been dropped here, but people avoid the medical tent like the plague. The doctors that work there are part of what everyone believe are the “brainwashed humans.” No one has figured out they’re not human at all. There has been a lot of anger directed at them as well as them being considered traitors. Hate and abuse are so common there isn’t anywhere that doesn’t have machines guarding the area.
The machines have killed several of the humans; all of them were fighting either the machines or the “brainwashed humans.” They were quickly eliminated. Most people avoid them now, knowing there is no easy way to disable the machine. Not even our secret knowledge of how to kill them helps anyone. We have no guns and no way of getting any manmade weapons to the backs of their necks since they are as tall as two-story buildings.
As I work my way through the tents, I try to block out the cries I still hear. I try to ignore the constant pain people are in over what they have lost and what they are going through. Yet, sometimes, I can’t help hearing every single thing. It’s why I can’t understand why more people aren’t rising up and fighting. Don’t they all want revenge, too? Don’t they want to do something?
I walk past the large tent set up for where we eat. While they’ve been bringing in bottles of water and other beverages, they’ve kept the food bland and disgusting. I force myself to eat once a day, but I’m never hungry. Perhaps one day they will bring in ingredients that will make the food taste better, but obviously it’s not a priority of theirs.
I hit up the showers, which is the only place I allow any tears to escape. I can tell myself that I’m not crying when the water is running over my face. I tell myself a lot of lies lately.
The showers don’t have much privacy, however without a conscious decision, everyone uses each entry set up under a gender. The women always enter from the left side and use the showers closest. The men use the right entrance.
At first, Hank used to walk me everywhere. I think he assumed there would be at least a few crazy and horny men who wouldn’t ask before taking what they wanted. As far as I know, there haven’t been any incidents of that, though. I have never felt unsafe, at least not from my fellow humans.
My main issue comes from Marduke’s vest that I can’t take off. I get a few curious looks when I shower wearing it, and while I played it off as just being shy, I worry they might find out I’m wearing something that is very much alien technology.
My fellow humans might be behaving normally towards me now, but what happens if they ever found out that I not only slept with an alien, but I loved him? As long as I wear this vest, there is always the chance my secret might come out, and since I can never take it off, it is bound to happen sooner or later.
The water is cold; there is no hot water on Roth. So my shower is quick, and I use my sweater to dry off before placing it back on over my t-shirt. The vest dries qui
ckly and it helps to keep my body temperate regulated. If only Marduke had given me a pair of socks that kept me warm for when I tried to sleep during the colder nights.
When I step out of the showers, I find Hank waiting for me. He looks serious and maybe even a little excited.
“What’s going on?”
“We have a lead,” he says, walking past me. I have to jog to catch up.
I don’t ask him anything else, knowing we’re heading in the direction of Kane’s tent. He’s another one who wants to fight, another person willing to die.
Kane is incredibly intimidating. Easily a foot taller than my six feet, he’s also wide enough to touch the sides of any normal size doorway back home. He’s strong and his eyes are always narrowed. He is an angry guy, one that used to be a fighter jet pilot.
The other two men, who are waiting for us and also part of our small army, are just as determined as us to fight. While they’re not as scary as Kane in appearance, they were both in the American army and are trained for combat. The only issue is that they are perhaps in their early twenties and are beginning to waste away. That is the problem with being here. People aren’t eating properly—given the disgusting white mush we only have access to—and they’re not exercising. People are losing body fat and muscle.
Rob and John, the two army men, are willing to sacrifice their lives with us because dying pointlessly is unacceptable to them. Kane is here purely for revenge. He wants to take down as many “alien fucking scum” as he can. Hank told me his girlfriend was also a pilot and he witnessed her death moments before he was taken onto the spaceship that brought him here.
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