by Sandy Taylor
We walked hand in hand round Edinburgh. We climbed to the top of the castle and looked down over the beautiful city. It was easier to make memories here, because there were no ghosts. I knew that when I thought about this place it would rest easily on my mind, and I wouldn’t be sharing the memory with anyone else – it would belong to Matthew and I alone.
Matthew graduated from college with flying colours, just like I knew he would. We all went to the graduation ceremony. Even Polly came down from London to be with us and, of course, for the chance of being with Tom. It was lovely to see the start of something special happening between my two dear friends.
I didn’t know exactly when Matthew was leaving. But now that he had finished college, I realised it was going to be soon, and I was beginning to panic. I had been so sure that I would be strong enough to handle it. If I could say goodbye to Ralph and still survive then saying goodbye to Matthew should be easy. But I knew it wasn’t going to be easy at all.
I was cuddled up by the fire in Rose’s flat. ‘Why am I feeling so bad, Rose?’ I said.
‘You love him, dear, and when you lose someone you love you mourn that love. Of course you do.’
‘It’s Ralph that I love.’
‘There are different kinds of love, dear.’
‘My mum said that to me once.’
‘Your mother is a very wise woman.’
‘I know.’
‘I just thought that it would be easier than this.’
‘That would make you foolish, dear, and I know that you are far from that.’
‘So I just let him go?’
‘He will go home to his sisters, which is what he must do, and you will stay here. Let him go with a smile, dear, because he will be hurting every bit as much as you are. When you truly love someone, you want the best for them, and the best thing that you can do for Matthew is to set him free. Don’t make him feel guilty for leaving you.’
Suddenly it seemed so clear. Rose had made sense of it all.
I smiled at her. ‘I can do that.’
‘I always knew that you could, dear.’
When the time came, Matthew wouldn’t let me go to the station. We said goodbye on the beach. We held hands and walked down to the water’s edge.
‘If you miss me, Dottie, come here and look out across the sea and know that I will be thinking of you on the edge of another ocean.’
‘I will always miss you, Matthew, but I’ll be okay. We’ll both be okay.’
‘That is what I needed to hear, my Dottie, and so we can say goodbye, yes?’
‘Yes.’
We walked across the road and collected his case from Oriental Place. He said goodbye to Rose and the boys, and I stood on the steps and watched him walk away from me without a backwards glance. I wasn’t sorry that I had met this special man. I wasn’t sorry that I had walked beside him for this one year. Matthew was gone, but he’d given me new memories and perhaps even taken away some of the ghosts.
I went back inside the house. Rose and the boys were standing in the hallway looking anxious.
‘Tea?’ said Stephen tentatively.
‘Dunking biscuits?’ said Tristan.
‘That would be perfect,’ I said,
Tristan gently wiped away the tears that were running down my cheeks. Stephen hugged me, and Rose took my hand and led me into the front room. I knew that I was going to be all right.
54
Aunty Brenda was sitting at our kitchen table bawling her eyes out.
‘I can’t believe she’s gone, Maureen. The house is so tidy it’s doing my head in. I went into her room this morning and found Katie Bunny down the back of the bed. She’s never slept a night without Katie Bunny since the day she was born.’
‘I suppose that’s what growing up is all about, Brenda.’
‘To tell you the truth I never thought she’d amount to much. I know that’s a terrible thing to say about your own daughter, but you know what she was like. She was a waste of space on a good day. And to top it all, she’s decided not to be a Pratt any more.’
‘I know, Brenda, and we’re all very proud of her.’
‘What are you talking about, Maureen?’
Mum looked puzzled.
‘She’s changing her name, Mum. She doesn’t think that Pratt is a good name for a model,’ I said, giggling.
‘Oh,’ said Mum, looking sheepish. ‘I thought you meant…’
‘We know what you thought I meant, Maureen!’
‘Sorry, Brenda.’
‘Well I think she’s going to surprise us all,’ I said quickly. ‘Living in London, being a model. Who would have thought it? And she’s with Polly, not a stranger. Polly will keep an eye on her, and if she’s concerned about her she’ll let us know.’
‘I’ve got so much to thank you for, Dottie. You’ve been a good friend to her.’
‘I wish we could have been better friends growing up.’
‘Well you are now, and that’s all that matters.’
‘I’m going up to London at the weekend to see them. I can take Katie bunny with me if you like.’
Aunty Brenda smiled at me. ‘You’re a good girl, Dottie. Are you okay now that Matthew is gone? You must still miss him sometimes.’
‘I felt really sad when he first went away, but it’s been a few months now, and I’m feeling better about it.’
‘It’s true, Dottie, about time healing all wounds,’ said Aunty Brenda, who had a saying for all occasions.
Maybe not all wounds, I thought.
‘He was a lovely man,’ said Aunty Brenda. ‘Such a gentleman. I really thought that you two might have made a go of it.’
‘Just friends.’
‘I wish some of your sense would rub off on my Carol.’
‘I think Carol is going to be fine.’
‘I hope so.’
Aunty Brenda finished her tea and put the cup and saucer in the sink. ‘I’ll pop home and get Katie Bunny,’ she said. ‘Give you two some time on your own.’
I knew that there was something on Mum’s mind. I could tell as soon as I’d walked in, and Aunty Brenda’s hasty departure was suspect. It was confirmed when Mum reached across the table and held my hand.
‘What is it, Mum?’
‘I haven’t known whether to tell you or not, but I didn’t want you bumping into him and getting a fright.’
‘Bumping into who?’ I said, but I knew who she meant. Ralph. I suddenly felt as if I’d eaten a huge meal that hadn’t digested properly. Or maybe it was longing that was filling up my whole body. A longing to run round to his house, to hammer on his door, to be wherever he was.
‘Oh dear, I shouldn’t have said anything. You’ve gone white as a sheet,’ said Mum, standing up. ‘I’ll get you a cup of sweet tea.’
I couldn’t speak. I watched her put the kettle on and stand with her back to the sink waiting for it to boil. I could feel my heart thumping out of my chest. Why did it always have to be like this? It wasn’t fair. I was doing all right; I was coping. Having him on the other side of the world was less painful than bumping into him on my doorstep, and now he was here, and all the old feelings of love and loss came rushing back. I felt helpless.
‘Are they all here?’ I said.
‘I know Peggy is with him, and I imagine Fiona must be too.’
‘They’re not back for good, are they?’ I felt sick; I couldn’t bear it if they were back for good.
Mum poured the tea and sat back down at the table.
‘Just a holiday. I bumped into Mrs Pickles. She’s so happy to be seeing Peggy.’
‘Do you know when they’re going back?’
‘I didn’t like to ask,’ said Mum, shovelling sugar into my cup. ‘It seemed a strange thing to ask. Was I wrong to tell you?’
‘No, Mum. At least if I do bump into them I won’t make a fool of myself.’
‘That’s what I thought.’
Well at least I was going away at the weekend, and I wouldn’t have
to worry about bumping into them in London. If only I could hide away in London until they went back.
I was sitting on the couch in 59 Victoria Terrace, watching Polly pouring two glasses of wine and putting them on the coffee table. ‘Why couldn’t he just stay in bloody Australia?’ she said. ‘Why does he have to come back and upset you again?’
‘I suppose he wants to see his parents and let Peggy visit with her grandparents. They were bound to come back to visit sometime. I’m just finding it hard to get my head around.’
I took a sip of the wine. It was cold and sharp – it was lovely. I leaned back against the cushions. ‘I just wish it didn’t affect me so badly. I think I’ve made my peace with it, then Mum mentions he’s in Brighton and I go to pieces. Why do I do that, Polly?’
‘I think you know the answer to that one, my friend.’
Of course I knew the answer. Time and distance hadn’t changed the fact that I loved him.
‘Do you know how long they’re staying?’
‘Mum didn’t like to ask.’
I picked up my glass of wine and walked across to the window. I felt empty inside. Polly had Tom, Carol was starting a whole new exciting life as a model and what did I have? A lifetime of memories but no one to love.
‘You won’t always feel like this, Dottie, you won’t.’
I turned around and looked at her. ‘Well I have for most of my life.’
‘But you haven’t been sad for most of your life, have you?’
I smiled at her. ‘No, I haven’t. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.’
‘You’re allowed to do that. Just not for too long.’ She stood up and went across to the record player. She selected an LP and put it on. The sound of Paul McCartney singing ‘Yesterday’ filled the room.
‘Why did you choose that one? It’s one of the saddest songs on the record.’
‘I thought you could have a good old cry, get it all out and then we can talk about my love life for a change.’
Polly always helped me to laugh at myself. ‘I’m a selfish cow, aren’t I?’
‘Totally. I don’t know why I love you so much.’
‘So tell me – how is it going? I really do want to know,’ I said.
Polly seemed to light up from the inside. ‘I can’t tell you how perfectly happy I am, Dottie,’ she said, smiling.
‘I’m so glad, but I would never have put you and Tom together in a million years.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because you’re my best friend, and Tom’s my boss. Two different parts of my life. But I couldn’t be happier for you both.’
‘He's changed my life, Dottie. I can’t wait to hear his voice on the phone. I can’t wait for his visits. Victoria station has become my favourite place to be.’
Polly’s happiness was infectious. I reached across the couch and put my arms around her.
We were still like that when Carol came flying up the stairs and burst into the room.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, jumping up.
‘Oh hello, Dottie. Get me a drink quick. I’ve just met the Beatles.’
‘You’ve just met who?’ I screamed.
‘The Beatles – all four of them! They spoke – they actually spoke!’
‘To you?’
‘They said hello in that funny accent.’
‘Did you say hello back?’ asked Polly.
‘I couldn’t speak.’
‘You just met the Beatles and you didn’t speak to them?’ I said.
‘Not a squeak,’ said Carol, giggling. ‘Not a bloody squeak.’
So not only was Carol becoming a model she’d actually met the Beatles. She’s been in the same room, breathing the same air as Paul McCartney – my Paul McCartney, as my dad once said. My life was going down faster than the Titanic. Not that I was bloody jealous or anything.
55
On the train back to Brighton my tummy was in knots. I was expecting that, but what I wasn’t expecting was this overwhelming sensation of coming alive, of feeling the blood pumping through my veins, filling my body. I had forgotten how that felt, and I wanted to hold onto it, hug it to my chest. Ralph was going to be there, in the town where I lived, around the next corner, passing on the other side of the road, walking on the beach. We would be breathing the same air – no oceans between us, only a distance that was of our own making.
I saw the letter as soon as I came through the door. It was propped up on the dresser in the hall where Rose put all our mail. I knew from the handwriting that it was from Ralph. I ran up the stairs to the flat. I couldn’t wait to open it, yet I was scared stiff at what it was going to say. I sat on the bed and turned it over and over in my hand. There was no stamp on it, so I guessed Ralph must have delivered it by hand. I took it out of the envelope. It was just one page. I began to read.
Dear Dottie,
I have started to write this letter so many times, but today I am going to finish it. I’ve wanted to see you ever since we returned to Brighton but didn’t know whether you wanted to hear from me. We are going back to Australia on Wednesday, and I would love to see you before I go. I will wait for you on our bench in the Lagoon every evening between six and eight. I don’t want to cause you any pain, and I realise that I am probably being totally selfish, but it would mean so much to see you. Please try and come, Dottie.
Love,
Ralph x
I must have read it a thousand times and changed my mind a thousand times. It was Sunday, so I had three days to make a decision. Was I strong enough for another goodbye? Could I go through all that again? I didn’t know. I decided to run it past the boys.
Tristan read the letter. ‘Dilemma, darling. Dilemma,’ he said, passing it to Stephen.
‘He does seem to make a habit of pulling you back in, doesn’t he?’ said Stephen.
Tristan took hold of my hand. ‘What is your heart telling you to do, dear girl?’
‘Run as fast as I can to the Lagoon.’
‘And your head?’
‘Get drunk and go to bed.’
‘My heart wins every time,’ said Stephen.
‘It does, doesn’t it,’ said Tristan, smiling at him.
The three of us sat quietly, mulling it over.
‘What about a dummy run?’ said Stephen suddenly.
‘What do you mean?’ I said.
‘Well let’s go the Lagoon and see if he’s there.’
‘What if he sees us?’
‘We’ll wear a disguise.’
‘What sort of disguise?’ I said, giggling. Only these wonderful men could make me laugh about it all.
‘Sunglasses.’
‘And you don’t think we might look a bit suspicious. Three of us lurking behind a bush wearing sunglasses?’
‘Where’s this bench he’s on about?’ said Tristan.
‘Just inside the entrance to the Lagoon.’
‘Then we could approach from the seafront and hide behind the café. Can you see the bench from there?’
‘I think so.’
‘We can pretend we’re in a James Bond film,’ said Stephen.
‘Are you up for it, Dottie?’ said Tristan.
‘Okay, we’ll do it,’ I said, grinning.
‘Dark coats,’ said Stephen.
Tristan smiled at him. ‘Absolutely.’
It was almost a quarter to seven by the time we reached the Lagoon. I was feeling excited and nervous at the thought of seeing Ralph.
‘It’s bloody freezing,’ said Stephen, pulling his coat around him.
‘James Bond never lets the weather get in the way of an important mission,’ said Tristan.
‘But James Bond isn’t as delicate as me,’ said Stephen, pulling a pathetic face.
‘Well you’ll just have to man up, darling.’
We slid down the grassy bank at the back of the café and peered round the side of it. The bench was further away than I had thought, and it was dark.
‘Can you see him?’ asked Step
hen. ‘Is he there?’
I peered into the darkness. It was hard to tell from this distance.
‘I’ll get closer,’ said Tristan.
‘He’ll see you.’
‘I’ll be careful,’ said Tristan in a weird kind of Sean Connery voice.
‘That accent’s making me go all shivery,’ said Stephen.
Tristan grinned. ‘Calm yourself, dear boy. Okay cover me – I’m going in!’
‘Be careful,’ said Stephen. ‘And return to us safely.’
‘If anything happens to me, remember that I love you both very much.’
Stephen started giggling, which started me off, which started Tristan off, so that he couldn’t go anywhere till we’d all calmed down.
‘Oh this is such fun,’ said Stephen, wiping his eyes on his coat sleeve.
I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. The love of my life was probably only yards away, and here I was playing at being a spy. The whole thing was becoming quite bizarre.
We watched Tristan walk across the children’s playground towards the bench.
There was a bitter wind blowing in from the sea, and we were getting colder by the minute.
‘What we do for love, eh?’ said Stephen, stamping his feet, trying to get some warmth into them.
After what seemed like forever Tristan slid down the bank and joined us.
‘Well?’ I said.
‘Yes, it’s definitely your Ralph.’
What had felt like a silly game a minute ago now felt real. Ralph was a couple of hundred feet away. I felt sick.
Stephen put his arm around my shoulder. ‘Shall we see you back home then?’
‘I thought this was just a dummy run,’ I said, panicking.
‘Well you’re here now, girl, so you might as well put the poor boy out of his misery.’
‘Do you want to see him, darling?’ asked Tristan gently.
I took a deep breath. ‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Well go on then, and like Stephen said we’ll see you at home.’
I gave them both a hug and began to walk across the park. Ralph was standing by the lake, looking out over the water. I watched him for a few moments, drinking him in, unable to deny my feelings for him.