If he deserted her now, Tess wasn’t sure she’d bounce back. Somehow she had to make him understand, make him realize how much she needed him. “Please,” she whispered, a small sob catching in her voice. “Please, don’t push me away.”
He froze, every nerve in his body seeming to still at once.
“I really need you right now,” she said.
“Tess, we can’t—”
She tightened her hands and braced her body against the rejection in his voice. Her lips moved against his skin, “Please, Ryan, just hold me. Hold me and make love to me. I promise you no regrets. No guilt.”
He shifted, turning to face her, and Tess immediately slid closer, pressing the length of her body to his and wrapping a bare leg around his. She shuddered with pleasure as his hand slid down her side and came to rest on her left hip, his fingers curled to fit the curve of her body.
“Whatever it is you need, I’m here for you,” he said. “You only need to ask.”
He bent his head and touched his lips to the pulse beating frantically in her neck. It quickened with the slow erotic brush of his lips over her skin. She moaned softly, asking for more. He moved his lips slowly down the length of her neck to the hollow of her throat. His tongue gently teased her and encouraged her, and he only stopped to slide off her shirt.
And then he was back, gently gliding his mouth over her skin to the tips of her breasts. His tongue teased and taunted, and she tangled her fingers in his hair, holding him to her and urging him not to stop.
He set her heart racing and her mind spinning. How did he manage to reduce her to this tangle of hot emotion so quickly, so easily? What was it about the man that confused and excited her all at the same time? Whatever it was, she didn’t want to question it. Didn’t want it to ever stop.
She didn’t care that he made her feel vulnerable and open. She didn’t care that being with him meant something dangerous and forbidden. All that mattered was his scent. His feel. His caress. And they all surrounded her and overwhelmed her and made her head whirl and dip with anticipation.
She stretched her hands over her head and arched her spine. He sank lower, using his skilled tongue and hands to make her body hum with expectancy, and when he rose up over her, sinking the length of his hardness into her warmth and moistness, she cried out his name and went with him over the edge into another kind of glorious oblivion.
RYAN’S BODY SHUDDERED and rocked with his release, and he buried his face against the side of Tess’s neck, inhaling her sweetness, an intoxicating blend of soap, toothpaste and something uniquely Tess, a citrusy scent that reminded him vaguely of oranges.
He held her against him with a fierceness that surprised even him. “You’re incredible,” he whispered, shifting his body to lie next to her, worried his weight might crush her beneath him.
How was it that one minute she seemed so indestructible, so damned capable and the next she seemed vulnerable, almost fragile?
He slid an arm around her and drew her to him, fitting her up against his length and allowing their sweaty skin to touch. It sent a new jolt of need trembling through him.
Tess reached out and pressed her palm against the center of his chest. “You aren’t so bad yourself.”
Her fingers made tiny circles around his nipple, curling his chest hairs with the tip of one finger and sending tiny flashes of warmth down the center of his stomach directly to his groin. He bit his bottom lip in an effort to keep from moaning aloud. The woman had him under her spell, totally at her mercy.
She leaned in and kissed him hard, a savage kiss filled with passion and open need. He could feel her melting against him, her skin burning with a heat so hot that she seemed about to burst into flame. Her hands touched and caressed, seeming to be everywhere at once.
But as Ryan lay there, soaking the sensations in, he felt the first nagging pull of guilt hit his gut. The weight of it was so heavy he thought he might surely crumble beneath it.
He closed his eyes, allowing it to roll over him, and he waited, knowing the voice of reason would speak, telling him he had used her. Taken advantage by satisfying his own selfish needs.
Sure, she’d asked him to make love to her. No, begged him to. But Ryan knew better. He’d allowed himself to step over the line, a line he had sworn he wouldn’t cross. He’d taken something from her that shouldn’t have been his to take, and at that moment, he hated himself.
He gently drew away. How could he have forgotten his promise to himself? Was he so depraved that he couldn’t control his own emotions? His own needs? Was he really that far gone?
Tess’s hands stilled and she tilted her head back. She studied him with questioning eyes. “I thought we agreed there wouldn’t be any guilt?”
He managed a small laugh but then quickly disengaged his legs from her smooth limbs. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “No guilt here.”
He drew a shaky hand through his hair. Great, now he was lying to her. But couldn’t he not lie? It wasn’t easy to explain away guilt that weighed so heavy it was hard to breathe.
This was something he needed to deal with all on his own. It wasn’t her problem. She had enough to deal with without him adding to it.
He heard her move, the sheets whispering as she slid across the bed. She pressed her body against his back and propped her chin on his shoulder. She reached around to hold him, embracing him with her warmth.
“Tell me what are you thinking,” she demanded.
“Nothing.”
“You owe me the truth.”
He sighed. He owed her something. “I’m thinking that I have a tendency to take unfair advantage of my patients.”
Tess pressed her lips to the taut tendons in his neck. She kissed them gently, as if the softness of her lips would release the pent-up tension.
“Haven’t I told you enough times that I’m not interested in you taking care of me? How many other ways can I say it?”
He slipped from her grasp and stood up. He reached out and yanked his pants off the chair, pulling them on.
He met her gaze as he zipped up, trying not to see the hurt in her eyes. “I should have never climbed into bed with you, Tess. You don’t need me adding to your confusion.”
She sat down and crossed her legs. Her hair fell over her shoulders and draped artfully across her high, firm breasts. She wasn’t in the least inhibited by her nakedness.
“Who said I was confused?”
He didn’t answer and she cocked her head, grinning playfully up at him. “Are you psychiatrists all this sexually repressed or are you just personally really good at it?”
“Look, you don’t understand. I stepped over the line when I made love to you.”
She shook her head. “In case you didn’t catch on—I’ve wanted you from the moment I met you. And I’m pretty sure you wanted me, too.” She spread her hands, her face questioning him. Challenging him. “So how exactly is it wrong for two people who want each other to act on that?”
“It’s a problem because you’re my patient. I took advantage of your trust by sleeping with you.”
Tess snorted, one hand reaching up to fling her hair back. “Ridiculous. I was never your patient, Ryan. I told you that first day I met you that I hated doctors and I didn’t need one to take care of me. It isn’t what our relationship is about.”
She stopped and searched his face, her expression intense. “Wait a minute, this isn’t about us making love, is it? It’s about something else. What’s wrong?”
He dropped into the chair across from her. How did he make her understand? How could he explain his failures to a woman who didn’t accept failure? A woman who kept pushing until she got what she wanted.
He lifted his head. “I used to be a pretty good clinician. Or at least I thought I was. But then I got a dose of reality. I failed a patient and ended up quitting clinical work in favor of research.”
“So tell me what happened.”
He stood up and paced the floor next to the
bed. “I was treating a young woman for a pretty serious case of depression. She started making progress, getting better. I thought we were out of the woods, but then she started obsessing about me.” He glanced up, pausing a moment to meet Tess’s eyes. “Her obsession became unhealthy. Excessive. She stalked me. Called my personal line forty, fifty, a hundred times a day. She’d show up at my office and then at my apartment. She’d threaten suicide if I didn’t see her.”
“What did you do?”
He was back to pacing. “I talked with my clinical supervisor. We discussed a variety of strategies. None of them worked. Finally, I wanted out. I felt as though I wasn’t doing her any good. I thought it would be better if I transferred her case to another physician, a female psychiatrist on staff. I talked with the woman and she agreed to take the case, but my supervisor refused. He felt it was important that I deal with the transference issues. He said it would make me a stronger clinician.”
“But he was wrong, wasn’t he?”
Ryan nodded, swallowing against the guilt that rose up in his throat, threatening to choke him. “Things got worse. I tried several times to have her committed, but she fought it every time. She was smart. Articulate. And she knew the law. She knew how to present a rational face when she needed to.” He glanced up again. “Even my supervisor thought I was blowing things out of proportion. He met with her several times and every time he came away convinced I was overreacting. He refused to sign the commitment papers.”
“What happened?” Tess asked softly.
“In late spring, she came to my office unannounced. She didn’t have an appointment, but she told my secretary that she was leaving town, that she wouldn’t be back and had come to say goodbye. My secretary buzzed me. I was in a session, but I went out to talk to her, concerned something was wrong. But before I went out, I called security and my supervisor, told them to get up to my office.”
He slumped in the chair and tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling tiles. This was harder to tell than he’d even thought. That’s why he hadn’t talked about it with anyone since it happened, not even his sister. Oh, he’d hashed it out with the police and the hospital ethics board when an investigation was done. But he hadn’t talked about it on a more personal level.
Instead, he’d bottled it up inside and kept it churning around inside him, creating self doubts. Doubts that threatened to cripple him as a therapist and as a man.
“What happened when you went out to meet her?”
“She was waiting for me. All dressed up, her hair done, makeup on. She had a suitcase and I thought maybe, just maybe, she really had decided to leave town, to start new.” He shook his head, the cushion behind his head rubbing the back of his neck. It was hard to speak, his words almost muffled by the emotion. “But she fooled me. She’d come for her final say in the whole matter. She didn’t even give me a chance to talk to her. She just stood up and pulled a gun out of her purse.”
Tess gasped.
He continued on in a monotone, trying desperately to keep the emotions at bay. “Before I could stop her, she stuck the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger.”
He choked, anger flooding his throat and closing it off. He hunched forward, his elbows jammed against his knees as he rubbed his face roughly with his palms, as if he could wash away the feelings of guilt and despair.
Tess was up and crouched in front of him, her hands on his knees. “You have to know somewhere inside you that it wasn’t your fault. You tried to get her help. She refused. What more could you have done?”
“I could have tried harder.”
“How? Tell me exactly what you could have done differently?”
“I—I could have made my supervisor see how desperate she was. Forced him to recognize that she was teetering on the edge.”
Tess shook her head. “And how can you force someone to see something they refuse to see?” She took his hands and held them in hers. “Don’t you see that you did everything you knew how to do? Don’t you see that she couldn’t accept the help? She failed all on her own, even with you at her side, trying to rescue her and bring her back from the edge.”
He laughed bitterly. “Obviously I didn’t try hard enough. She’s dead.” He lifted her head and stared at her, angry that he’d lash out at her but unable to help himself.
“No, you spent a hell of a lot of time trying to convince yourself that it was your fault. You’re a perfectionist, Dr. Donovan. And perfectionism like that can lead to guilt. Didn’t you realize you can’t rescue the world?”
He reached out and wrapped several strands of her hair around his hand, feeling them slide effortlessly through his fingers. Unable to resist, he dipped his head and tasted her, savoring the yielding, giving quality of her mouth. Her hands encircled his neck, holding him to her. Her gentleness and compassion surrounded and filled him, and the first wave of inner peace he’d felt in months washed over him.
“Thanks for listening,” he said softly. “I don’t think—”
The phone rang, interrupting him.
“They’re on to us,” Tess said urgently.
The phone stopped ringing. Three rings and then nothing.
The silence was deafening.
“We need to get out. Now!” Tess scooted across the bed, pulling on her clothes. “Hurry, we don’t have much time. They’re probably already on their way down here.”
He jammed his feet into his shoes as Tess moved to the window, opening a small slit between the drapes. “See anything?” he asked.
“There are three cars and a van parked up near the office with their lights on. Six men standing around the outside. I don’t recognize any of them—must be the gorilla squad. The others must still be in the office.”
She let the curtain drop back in place and turned toward him. Her gaze met his. He couldn’t help but notice the startling calm in her eyes, the complete lack of fear.
Ryan zipped up his bag and stood. “We don’t have a lot of options, Tess. If we leave, they’re bound to see us. If we stay, they’re going to search this room at some point.”
She nodded in agreement and whirled around, headed for the bathroom. Ryan followed.
She pushed aside the shower curtain and climbed up on the side of the tub. He stared at the tiny window and then back at Tess, making no effort to hide his disbelief.
“You’re kidding, right? There’s no way I’m going to fit through that thing,” he said.
“I’ll go first. I’ll pull on the other side. We’ll get you through.” Tess pushed up the window and snapped out the aluminum screen.
“There’s no way, Tess.”
“We don’t have a choice, Ryan. I checked this out when we first arrived. You’ll fit. It’ll be a tight squeeze, but you’ll fit. Now give me a boost. We don’t have time to argue.”
He watched her slither through the window frame as effortlessly as a snake slips through the water. Wedging the toes of one foot on the opposite side of the tub, Ryan lifted himself up to the window and looked out. His shoulders rubbed up against the side of the window.
Tess waited below, darting glances in the direction of the side of the motel, checking for any sign of Flynn’s men. “Go through the window sideways, Ryan—hands out in front and I’ll pull you through.”
He boosted himself up and slipped his upper body out the window. It was more than a tight squeeze, but not impossible. Suddenly he froze. From inside the room, he heard the loud knock of someone pounding on the motel-room door. They had arrived.
“Come on,” Tess urged from below. “Give me your hand.”
Ryan slid back through, ignoring Tess’s frantic questioning of what the hell he thought he was doing.
He dug into his pocket and pulled out the car keys. Leaning back over to the window, he threw them out. Tess caught them with one hand.
“Get out of here. Now!” he ordered.
For the first time since they’d gotten up, the intense expression of determination on her face disappeared
. She stared up at him with a touch of confusion, panic almost. The green of her eyes sparked in the early dawn. “What are you doing?” she demanded. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”
“They want you, not me. Go! I’ll stall them for as long as I can.”
“I’m not leaving you, Ryan. Now get your butt out here.” Her voice was gruff, but he didn’t miss the underlying quiver of fear and the sound wasn’t something he’d come to expect from Tess. She knew he was serious, and she wasn’t liking his decision one bit.
“I’m not arguing with you, Tess. They’re here, and there’s no time to argue. Now get going.”
He pulled down the window, but not before she whispered, “I’m not leaving you, Ryan. I’ll be back.”
He rearranged the curtain, brushed their shoe prints off the side of the tub and then flushed the toilet. As he opened the bathroom door, the outer door crashed open and three oversize men pushed through, followed by a familiar face— General Flynn.
Ryan affected an expression of surprise as he casually tucked in his shirt. “What are you doing here, Flynn?”
Flynn didn’t answer but instead snapped his fingers at the two men standing on either side of him. They immediately grabbed Ryan, and when he tried to shake them off, they stepped in closer and pinned his arms back. A third man drew a gun and cautiously made his way over to the bathroom.
“I’m in no mood to play games, Doctor. In fact, I’m feeling more than a little irritable. So—” Flynn flicked on the overhead light “—let’s cut to the chase. Where is she?”
“She? I’m not sure who you’re referring to, General. I’m alone. Took off for a little trip north to see the sights.” Ryan grinned. “But if you’re looking for some female companionship, I think the clerk out at the front desk would be more than happy to fix you up with some lovely lady.”
The general’s eyes burned hot, but he didn’t bother responding. He nodded his head at a third man. “Check the bathroom.”
The man was gone for a minute and then stepped back out. “Empty. But there’s a small window in there. Locked, but she might have squeezed through.”
Emergency Contact Page 17