by Sam Bailey
I became quite ill for a while because much like at Pontins, I was running around constantly and not eating properly. I was also smoking a lot so lost loads of weight really quickly. At one point I collapsed and had to be put on a drip. After that happened, whenever we docked I was allowed to go and buy tins of ravioli and other things I liked and keep a stash of them hidden away. While the rest of the staff were tucking into all these fancy dishes I was taking tins of spaghetti to the staff mess so the chefs could warm them up for me.
The staff piss-ups on the boat were legendary, but apart from the odd few B52 cocktails I was pretty well behaved. There was only one time I got properly drunk by mistake. Never again, etc. One night there was a problem with the lights on the ship because of an electrical fault and that meant we couldn’t leave the port in Malaga. We had to stay over, so a load of us went out to this bar. I was drinking vodka and orange and because Spanish measures are absolutely ridiculous I got drunk really, really quickly. I can still taste it in the back of my throat now and it makes me heave. We didn’t have a curfew that night, so we headed back to the ship at around 2am, and as soon as the fresh air hit me I was gone. I was so hammered I had to be held up by other members of staff.
When we got back to the ship the captain was stood at the top of the walkway looking furious. Everyone was shouting at me to stand up because I was dragging my feet along but I was well and truly hammered. I climbed up the gangway and started singing to him, which is not something you do to the captain of the ship: you’re supposed to have the utmost respect for him. He could easily have sacked me but according to one of my friends he had a bit of a smile on his face, and instead of bollocking me he told my friends to take me the back way to my cabin to keep me out of sight of any passengers. As soon as I got into my cabin I was violently sick, and I carried on throwing up for most of the night, which meant I got zero sleep.
I woke up the next morning with a crashing hangover and a massive sense of shame. I’d been kicked in the face when I was 14 playing football and lost one of my teeth. As a result I had a plate with a false tooth attached that I could take in and out. When I eventually managed to haul myself up and look in the mirror I realised that my false tooth was missing. I looked everywhere for it and then it hit me that I must have flushed it down the toilet when I was being sick. I went into full-on panic mode. I had to perform that night and I had this massive hole where my tooth should have been. Every time I spoke I was whistling through the gap and I was mortified.
Everyone was taking the mickey out of me and singing ‘Whistle While You Work’. Every time I talked to someone I was covering my mouth. But ‘the show must go on’, and that night I had to get up on stage in front of a packed room of people and sing ‘Big Spender’, which actually sounded more like Big Ssshhhpender.
Thankfully we stayed moored in Malaga for another day and somehow my friend Janice managed to get me an appointment with a dentist the next morning. I had an impression done and I was able to pick up my new tooth before we set sail again. What a relief. Funnily enough that was the last time I tested whether or not I liked get really drunk, whether by mistake or otherwise. I didn’t.
At the end of every month we’d all get our bar bills and sit around guessing whose was the highest and the lowest. I used to buy other people alcohol sometimes, but I stuck to Fanta after that fateful night, so mine was always the lowest at around £40-£50. Some people’s were £400–£500, which was about a quarter of their wages. And the drinks were half-price as well! Most of my spare money went on CDs and DVDs. I was a fan of the New Radicals and Jamiroquai. ‘You Get What You Give’ was my song at that time. We used to take it in turns to DJ in the staff mess, but some people used to play shit music on purpose because they knew I’d get annoyed and take over, meaning they could go and sit in the bar and get drunk.
A few months after I started on the ship I paid for my mum and her friend to come out and visit me. Sadly my dad was too unwell to come but I think it was exactly what Mum needed and deserved after all her hard work. To be fair it probably felt like a holiday for my dad too, because it meant no arguments for a week and he could have his drinking buddies round without being told off!
Mum and her mate got upgraded and I gave the bar staff loads of pre-paid slips for drinks, so they had a whale of a time. We did two shows a night and Mum always tried to sneak in and see me perform twice because she was so proud of me. Before she left the boat at the end of the trip, Mum went to settle her bar bill. The woman in front of her had spent £700; my mum’s was £5.40 for the entire trip. On the other hand, not surprisingly my bar bill that week was the biggest it would be the whole time I was working on the ships.
Mum loved her time on board so much I paid for her to came back with my nan a few months later. Because my nan was old she used to wash her knickers every night and hang them up in her cabin, so you could often tell where her room was if they were billowing around on the balcony. She also had a bit of a crush on the Spanish doctor, so she used to feign illness just so she could go and visit him. It was brilliant having family coming to see me because I did get homesick sometimes. I missed stupid things like my own bed and certain chocolate bars, but I never once regretted going.
Although I had an amazing time on the ship, I also experienced one of the scariest moments of my life while I was there. One night Jolene and I were sat outside in an area called the Winter Gardens having a cigarette before the evening performance. We were leaving Morocco and we both noticed that the sea seemed really choppy. Suddenly this massive wave leapt over the side of the ship and completely soaked us both. Jolene went one way and I went the other and when we scrambled back onto our seats we were thinking ‘What the hell just happened?’ My show make-up was running down my face and my hair was dripping. The further we went out to sea the worse the wind became, but by then it was too late for us to turn around and go back to land.
When we went back inside the ship was rocking all over the place and plates and glasses were slipping off tables and smashing. Of course we had to try and keep people calm and act normally, so we went ahead with the entertainment. The only problem was I was scheduled to sing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from Titanic, which probably wasn’t the most appropriate song to be singing when the waves were crashing against the side of the boat and the guests were panicking. We couldn’t even change the running order of the songs because the backing tracks were all on one CD and it was impossible to skip through them. I had no choice but to get up and perform the most ill-timed song of my career.
Just before I took to the stage the casino table fell on some poor woman’s leg and the grand piano slid across the room. There was broken glass everywhere and people were going back to their cabins and putting on life jackets, then coming back to watch the show wearing them. One little kid even came up and asked me if we were going to die. I told him that it was all just a silly game, but I was feeling really breathless.
I was begging the cruise director not to make me sing because I was struggling to stand up, but five minutes later I found myself out on stage with a painted-on smile preparing to do my best Celine Dion impersonation. I had to hold on to a stool and stand with my legs as wide apart as I could to balance myself. As soon as the backing track started the looks on people’s faces were priceless. Some found it funny; others were horrified. I felt so guilty but I was just doing what I’d been told.
The Captain was amazing. He was walking around calmly trying to reassure everyone, but I genuinely feared for my life. Parts of the ship were flooded, people were throwing up and I was physically shaking with fear. I vowed there and then that I would never sing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ again – and I didn’t until I performed it on The X Factor. People had asked me so many times since that night to sing it when I’d done shows or karaoke, but I’d flatly refused. Thankfully, by the next day the weather had calmed down, although the clean-up operation was quite something. It’s a night I’ll remember in great detail for the rest of my life.
Towards the end of my first season, I heard about some openings on another ship called The Emerald. The cruise was called The Millennium Cruise and it was travelling all around the Caribbean and docking in New Orleans on Millennium night. Anyone on our ship who wanted to try out for a job was allowed to audition. If we got accepted we’d have to put in extra time while doing all of our other work because there were four new shows to learn, but I was willing to put in the hard work. It sounded like too good an opportunity to miss. Quite a few people from the entertainment crew auditioned and thankfully most of us, including me, were accepted. We went straight into rehearsals and although it was bloody hard work I knew that it would all be worth it when we moored up in sunny St Lucia.
I was supposed to have a two-week break back home in Kent before I joined The Emerald, only unbeknown to me all of Darren’s family had booked a trip to come and see me as a surprise. I felt terrible that I wouldn’t be there, so I asked my boss if I could stay on the ship and pay as a passenger. Instead he said I could stay for free if I did two cabaret performances, which sounded like a great deal to me! We had an amazing time together and it was the perfect way to round off my first ever job on a cruise ship.
After that everything was a bit of a rush. I got the chance to go home for a few days and then I had to go straight to Manchester to do more rehearsals. I flew direct from Manchester to the Dominican Republic and it was a totally different ball game to the last cruise. This was big time.
The ship was in dry dock and even though we were living on the ship from day one we got to go out and explore. One night we all went out to a nightclub called Mambo’s. When we got there the club was on the beach and it was totally open air. At one point I was dancing away to ‘YMCA’ and having such a laugh. I looked around me and thought, ‘My god, I’m being paid to be here. It doesn’t get much better than this!’
I wish now I’d written a diary about all of the sights I saw on that ship. It was unbelievable. I went to the Dunn’s River Falls in Jamaica, and the rainforest and places I could only ever have dreamed of seeing. One of the best things for me was when we landed in Barbados. I went to the nearest phone box and I called my dad and said, ‘Dad, I’m ringing you from Barbados!’ He laughed and said, ‘Alright, you win.’ It was one of those brilliant, life-affirming moments, one that I’ll never forget.
Romance-wise, I was always very careful not to get involved with any of the guests when I worked on the liners because I knew that they’d soon be gone again and I didn’t want to get hurt. I did go on a few dates with a Greek guy who worked on the ship. He was nice enough but the language barrier proved to be a bit of a problem and it fizzled out. I didn’t mind too much because I was having so much fun and I was perfectly happy on my own. The only guy I got involved with was called Andrew who was a brain surgeon. He was lovely, but I was intimidated by him because he’d been to St Andrews University and I felt as common as muck compared to him and always worried about saying the wrong thing. We spent quite a lot of time together but I knew it couldn’t go anywhere. I would never have felt good enough for him.
New Year’s Eve 1999 was one of the most incredible nights of my life. We cruised down the Panama Canal into New Orleans and it felt like one of the most glamorous – if not the most glamorous – things that had ever happened to me.
Someone had to stay on the ship and DJ for all of the guests that night, but because we were going to be docked, all of the entertainment crew wanted to go out and have a great time in New Orleans, not be stuck on the boat playing Prince’s ‘1999’. We were going to pull names out of a hat, but in the end I had a long hard think about how I could benefit from it. I went and spoke to the cruise director and told him I was willing to nominate myself if I could get the next day off to go sightseeing. We weren’t leaving the dock until the evening, so I would have plenty of time to look around.
We did a show earlier in the evening but I got to see the fireworks at midnight before I had to run downstairs to the disco and start DJ’ing. There must have been about ten people left on the entire ship but someone had to play music for them! I only ended up playing for about an hour before everyone went to bed and then I headed off the boat to meet some of my friends. The party atmosphere on the streets of New Orleans was incredible and I had an amazing night. And while everyone else was hungover and working the next day, I felt fine and I got to have a whole day of sightseeing.
On the flip side there was a very sad moment on The Emerald when one gentleman died of old age the first day he arrived on the ship. When we docked he was going to be taken off the ship and it was the entertainment crew’s job to distract everyone so they didn’t see him being wheeled off on a trolley underneath a black sheet. It was funny and tragic at the same time because there was a lot of tap dancing and jazz hands involved as we frantically did everything in our power to make sure no one noticed what was going on.
I was also in charge of ‘Singles Mingles’ on the ship, when all of the single people would get together. I’d introduce them to each other to break the ice and they’d all sit together on the singles’ table that night. By the end of the cruise they’d be having a whale of a time and I had quite a good couple success rate. There were two weddings as a result of introductions we did on that cruise, so I felt like I was the Cilla of the waves!
One day around March time I was walking past the kids’ club and I could see that the women in charge was having a bit of a nightmare. I’d almost finished work for the day so I went in and offered to give her a hand. I felt like I was back to being a Bluecoat again. I got so engrossed in helping her I completely forgot I was supposed to be doing a deck tour with some of the guests. Luckily someone covered it for me, but when the cruise director found out he came storming into the kids’ club and frogmarched me to his office. He was always much tougher on the women than the men and he started shouting at me saying, ‘You think you’re this and that and I’m telling you now you’re not.’ I knew that other staff members would have heard every word because he was bellowing so loudly and I got so upset I started to cry. He spoke to me like I was about six years old and when I left I was so angry and embarrassed I went straight down to my cell and I wrote on a piece of paper ‘I wish to resign from this ship’ and I put it in his pigeonhole.
A while later I was in the theatre rehearsing for that evening’s show with the rest of the entertainment crew when the cruise director walked in with a face like thunder. He announced to everyone that I’d resigned. I hadn’t told any of them and the last thing I wanted was my friends hearing it from him. He told me I had until the end of the day to make up my mind and then he turned on his heel and stomped out again.
I’d had an amazing time on the ship until that point, but I was really starting to miss home. I took some time to think about it and after weighing up the pros and cons I decided that I was ready to leave. I told the cruise director about my decision and the next thing I knew his bosses had flown out to beg me to stay. But my mind was made up. It turned out I’d been sent a lot of fan mail (although I hadn’t actually got to see any of it, for some reason) and I’d had brilliant feedback so Thompson were desperate to keep me on. I’d gelled with so many guests and a lot had got in touch with the company to say I’d made their holiday. I was told that if I resigned I would never be able to work for Thompson cruises again, but that didn’t deter me. I’d loved my fantasy life hopping from country to country, but now it was time to get back to real life.
I knew I would miss the cruise and all of my friends and although going home felt like the right thing to do, when it came to saying goodbye it was so hard. I was sobbing when I got on the coach to go to the airport. One of the other entertainers, Andrew Holt, had got me really into Barry Manilow, and I listened to his Greatest Hits album for the entire journey to try and take my mind off leaving everyone.
My brother picked me up from Gatwick airport and drove me home. The first couple of days were brilliant. It was great to catch up with
family and friends and sleep in my childhood bedroom again. It felt like I’d been away for ages. But that initial buzz didn’t last long and my parents’ arguing soon started to get to me again. My dad was sat on the sofa wetting himself, my mum was out working her backside off, and although my life had changed because of the experiences I’d had, nothing else had. Mum spoke to me about leaving my dad again and I knew without a doubt they would be better off apart, but they had to think about the logistics. Where would they both live? How could they afford two separate homes? Sadly, them not splitting up was down to money, and nothing else.
CHAPTER 6
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
As usual I hadn’t really put much thought into what I was going to do work-wise once I got back home. But – surprise surprise! – my mum came to my rescue and got me some work doing market research with her again. It was definitely one of those jobs you could dip in and out of, so it was perfect for the nomadic life I had back then.
The work was steady and relatively easy, but I soon started to miss singing terribly. I heard about a bar up in London called Singers that had an open mic night so I decided to go. An artist called Jocelyn Brown was the compère and you put your name down and then waited your turn. I sang a gospel song and afterwards was approached by a guy who introduced himself as Roachie and told me he was a talent scout. I didn’t know anything about that kind of thing at the time, but he said he wanted to introduce me to someone at Sanctuary Records, which is the same record label as Iron Maiden. We arranged to meet up a few days later at the Sanctuary café; I ended up sitting next to Roger Daltrey and I was properly freaked out. He was eating beans on toast and he seemed really laid back. I desperately wanted to say something to him, but I was worried that if I opened my mouth I’d start singing him songs from the film Tommy or something.