Taking a seat, Andy finally spoke. “No thank you, I’m here to discuss Erika, and you. We need to…”
“There’s nothing to discuss. There is no Erika and me. It was a one-time thing. I promise you man, had I known she was married, I never would have touched her. I can’t apologize enough. I don’t seek your forgiveness, not for me anyway, but I hope you can forgive her. The fault lies solely with me. I practically assaulted her. It will not happen again, and as long as I have known her, she’s not cheated on you before. I hope you see, that in spite of her one indiscretion, that she’s not that type of person.”
The bile filled his mouth, damn near choked him. He excused himself and guzzled water to try to sooth the burn.
***
ANDY
Andy sat there dumbfounded, trying to assess the situation.
Even if Walker couldn’t forgive Erika, which he wasn’t convinced of, how could he not want his own daughter?
Something wasn’t right, the language he was using, his reasons and justifications, were off.
Time to probe, cross examine, and gather more evidence.
“So,” Andy projected over his shoulder to where Walker stood at the kitchen counter drinking water, “You don’t even want her?”
***
WALKER
Black emotions were eclipsing the light in Walker’s soul he’d only just embraced. He failed to notice which word Andy emphasized. He had a plan, and he’d see it through no matter how terribly it hurt, because it would be better for Erika. Easier for her to move on and accept what happened if he's the asshole that doesn’t want her.
“Like I told you, one-time thing." Nonchalant Walker wasn’t doing the job fast enough, time to break out Total Dick Bag Walker and get this guy out of here.
He swallowed hard and reminded himself he was doing this for Erika. Plus, Walker needed to be alone now, so time to send Andy on his way for good. “I’m sorry I fucked your wife dude, but it was just an itch, and now I’ve scratched it. I’m not the settling down type, besides, did you see the hot piece of ass that just left? I don’t need your wife man, my dick is pretty happy without her. One pussy is as good as the next, right?”
Guzzling more water to try to keep from vomiting on the floor, Walker soldiered on.
“Seriously man, you’re never around, you can’t tell me you aren’t fucking someone on the side when she’s not there? Shit, she’s good, but she’s not that good. Look, Andy, you can go back to your wife and live happily ever after. I’m not interested in a repeat, and I don’t really care what happens between the two of you. I got what I wanted, I don’t even know why you’re here.”
Walker loathed himself so much right now. He was dying inside. The vile words flying out of his mouth were killing him. For each syllable that left his body, a cancerous tumor formed in his heart. It was already malignant, and the organ would die. He would live the rest of his days in a prison of his own making, one thousand times more suffocating than the one in which he had been a guest of the state. One that would be inescapable, but Erika would be free. Freedom for her was worth the price of his soul.
***
ANDY
Andy couldn’t believe the filth Walker was spewing, but he also didn’t buy it for a second.
Dealing with this tactic day in and day out allowed him to see it coming from a mile away. Plus, Walker wouldn’t say those things if he’d read the folder, if he knew the marriage for what it was, that Andy was gay and that Erika was pregnant.
Andy stood and turned to face Walker.
Ah ha! Gotcha! There it is.
Just as he suspected, a ploy to push him, and by extension Erika, away, and a painful one at that. It was clear this tact was costing Walker dearly, and that gave Andy all the answers he needed.
Walker was suffering from a severe case of White Knight Syndrome, and thought he was throwing himself on the sword to protect Erika. From what? Andy wasn’t one hundred percent, but he had a theory.
A little known and quite shocking fact he’d uncovered about Walker Aaron Reid was his intelligence. He possessed a superior IQ. For some reason, Walker had practically buried all remnants of his genius-level intellect around the time he had his first brush with the law. Through Chuck’s investigations and his own, Andy had a pretty decent grasp on what he believed to be the reason—self-punishment. It appeared Walker refused to benefit in any way, shape, or form, from that part of himself.
Andy had surmised he felt undeserving of it, unworthy to use it, so he took up a different trade and became a much sought after tattoo artist. However, if people believed it didn’t take intelligence, they were sadly mistaken. Looking into his eyes now, Andy knew his assessment to be true. Like recognized like.
Andy grew up believing himself unworthy and undeserving because of his sexuality, so he took nothing, not a single dime, from his family’s vast wealth. And, up until recently, he never even considered using his family name either. So he had Walker’s number. He could see Walker would not only sacrifice whatever he had to for what he believed best for those he loved, he would punish himself like the state never could for his perceived sins.
Deciding in that moment he would be Walker’s champion, as well as Erika’s, he started devising a plan of action.
“Have you even read the folder?” It was an extraneous question as he already had his answer, but with Walker’s intelligence, he would need to play his part or tip his hand, and the litigator in him would never allow the latter.
“No, and it wouldn’t matter. It was a one and done. Unless there is a medical report in there about an STD I need to be tested for…it’s irrelevant. Now, if you don’t mind, I got shit to do.”
“Do you love her?” That particular query was posed to gage depth, not existence, and to rock Walker back on his heels.
“What? What the fuck kind of question is that? I told you she was a one and done, why the fuck would I say that if I loved her?”
The butterflies in Andy’s stomach that always started fluttering in the courtroom when the opposition incriminated himself in cross, went nuclear.
Gotcha again, he thought.
It wasn't lost on Andy that Walker didn't answer the question at all, just said a bunch of words to deflect. He responded to his question with questions.
“Why indeed,” Andy mumbled as he removed a card from his inside jacket pocket, extending it in Walker’s direction.
Yep, Walker loved her. All the filth he allowed to leave his mouth took it’s toll, but he couldn’t bring himself to say he didn’t love her. That said more than all the words he did voice.
“Here is every possible way to contact me, even Marco’s number on the back.” Andy knew Walker didn’t know about Marco yet, but he hoped it would pique his curiosity. “Feel free to call any time, day or night. I plan to call you to see how you’re doing from time to time, until you pull your head out of your ass and come to your senses.”
“I don’t want you fucking number, and I don’t want your fucking calls. Never call me, because I sure as hell won’t be calling you. I don’t know how you can be so calm when facing the man who fucked your wife until she screamed his fucking name in pleasure.”
“Take a swing at me Andy, please take a swing at me,” was what Andy heard no matter the words coming from Walker’s mouth, because it was obvious that’s what Walker wanted. He was close to losing it. “How in the fuck can her husband be okay with what happened?” was written on Walker’s face.
Andy knew for a fact, if the roles were reversed, Walker would be pounding him into the ground, probably even to the brink of death. Yet here was Andy, wanting to be his BFF. It was confusing the shit out of Walker, obviously.
He was taking a perverse kind of pleasure at that, but it was Walker’s own fault. If he’d just read the folder, this conversation wouldn’t be taking place.
Leaning over and depositing the card on the counter, Andy knew it was time to leave. “I’ll just leave this here. Believe me, yo
u may not want to talk to me now, but after you read the folder Erika left, you will. I promise you that.” Smoothing his suit as he stood, Andy didn’t extend his hand in farewell. He knew Walker was too close to the edge for that. He avoided eye contact as much as possible. He’d dealt with people in this place before and knew best how to handle them.
“I’ll leave you to the shit you have to do, Erika and I fly back to North Dakota as soon as the plane is fueled, and I retrieve her from the hotel.” At the door, Andy turned and added, “I like you Walker. I really do. I can see exactly what Erika sees in you now. I think once all this is worked out, we’ll be close friends, so I say this in the friendliest way possible, you need to get your shit together. Sooner, rather than later, because she will need you, and you will definitely want to be there, all there, when she does. Trust me on that.”
With that, Andy left with a lightened heart. Walker loved Erika, and as soon as he digested all the information made available to him, Andy would wager he'd be on the first plane to Minot.
***
WALKER
Walker watched Andy leave, even stared out the door long after the car was gone. That had to be the most bizarre conversation ever had between a husband and the other man. The guy was totally likable, so he could understand the appeal, but how can he not give a shit that his wife slept with another man, even indicate she cared about him instead of threatening and posturing, or going for the jugular like a real lawyer. There was definitely something he was missing.
Man, I need a drink.
As the ghost of a thought gained flesh in his mind, he murdered it.
No.
He was not going back down that path, ever. Walker didn’t need drink or violence to deal with strong emotions. He could do this.
Closing his front door, he headed for his room. He needed a to shower again, he felt dirty after his exchange with Andy. Stopping and admiring the painting kind of brought him back to center. He loved her enough to let her go, but now he had a nagging suspicion that maybe it wasn’t best for her to be with Andy. The dude didn’t give a shit she’d cheated, tried to pawn her off on the other man even. Who does shit like that, and why?
Eyes drifting from the painting to the folder, he paused. The answers were in there, but was he brave enough to read it?
No, he couldn't, not just yet. Walker’s recovery was too new, too fragile, to deal with heavy shit just now. Picking up the folder as if it were a bomb that could go off at any second, Walker placed it in his bedside table drawer and grabbed his phone. First things first; steps, recovery is all about steps. Phoning Dax and scheduling clients was the first one in getting his life back. He needed to get back to normal if he were to puzzle out this steaming pile of bullshit that was his life.
Satisfied with that particular choice, Walker headed to the shower, but the meager light that getting back to tattooing brought him couldn’t illuminate the darkness he added to his soul with his earlier words and hasty decision to let Erika go. Emotions and choices could be analyzed and rehashed later, when his mind was clear. For now, he needed to live in the moment, one day at a time and all that shit. He had to heal Walker before he could even begin to heal or be objective about anything else.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ERIKA
“Please Andy, can we just drop it for now? I’m exhausted, the flight wasn’t a pleasant one for me. I think my daughter has shaken baby from the freaking turbulence and…who died and made you his champion anyway?”
Erika took a calming breath and plopped down on the couch, knowing the minute her butt met suede, that it was a really bad idea. They owned the most comfy couch in the world, but sinking into it with a beach ball belly meant she couldn’t get up without assistance. And right now¸ she was thoroughly pissed at the only person present to help her fat ass up.
Andy had been going on and on about Walker since they took off, and when they landed, he didn’t stop. All the way home and into the front door, he continued unabated. She couldn’t take anymore. If Walker wanted her or the baby, he would make it known himself, he didn’t need Andy to plead his case.
What the fuck? Was he her husband and best friend or Walker’s new counsel?
“I want to be your champion Erika. Always have.” Taking a seat next to her and guiding her head to his shoulder, he continued. “I think helping you keep an open mind and faith in the man you love is the knightly thing to do. I’m telling you, he loves you E, he’s just not great at showing it in a way that you’ll understand right now. I believe he’s too confused to read the stuff you gave him yet. But, because he’s coming from a place of misinformation, he thinks he’s doing what’s best for you.”
***
ANDY
Erika lifted her head and gave Andy a quizzical look. “How would you know what Walker’s thinking or what he’s going through?”
With his arm around her, he gave her a reassuring squeeze and returned her head to his shoulder, then dropped his hand to her bulging belly. Knowing he was skirting the edge of possibly having to lie to Erika, he decided to lead her to her own answer. There was no way he could tell her he visited Walker, not with the actual words they’d exchanged. Erika would demand a verbatim account and wouldn’t give two shits about what he really meant.
At that moment the baby kicked, reassuring Andy he’d done the right thing by her and her mom. They needed Walker, and he needed them. “Come on sweetheart, you know I’m an ace at reading people’s motivations, not to mention the info ‘you know who’ got for me I’m not supposed to talk about.”
All true, Andy thought to himself with a smug satisfaction.
Not the whole truth, but Erika and the baby were more important than any potential splinters these half-truths were poking into their relationship. Andy would tweeze those out before they festered once her, Walker, and baby girl Reid were a family. He would sacrifice himself for them, it was decided as soon as he looked into Walker’s eyes and saw the truth shimmering there in the onyx depths.
Maybe he had been infected with a touch of White Knight Syndrome too.
***
ERIKA
Erika’s pride kept her from asking Andy to help her off the couch. She decided to curl up, hug the pillow, and continue her pity party as soon as Andy quit the room. She was just getting to the poor me punch when Marco plopped down beside her and interrupted her self-absorption with facts and logic.
“Erika, love, you know I’m not one to mince words, but I’ve bit my tongue and kept my own counsel for months now. Even in private, when Andy asks for my opinion, I have hesitated to give it. Simply because I am a man who believes people need to come to things in their own time, on their own path, in order to accept the answers, does that make sense?”
Not waiting for a reply, he continued, “But damn it girl, I’m done. If I bite my tongue for one more minute, I will drown in my own blood for crying out loud. Everyone I love is hurting. Some are bringing it on themselves, and now I’m inflicting it on the one man I love more than life itself because I’m holding back, and it has to stop. So, I will say this with as much love as I can, then I will go find that man and tell him the same and help guide him through this with my honesty.”
The pregnant pause that followed was his obvious attempt to fortify his resolve.
“You need to grow the fuck up. You are acting like a teenager and Andy doesn’t have the heart to point it out because he doesn’t want to add to your pain, but honey, you’re killing him. And me, and Walker, and yourself for crying out loud. And it’s not healthy for the pregnancy either.” Marco stalled her protest before she made it.
“Yes, I fucking cursed, so sue me. Curse words aren’t going to hurt that angel any more than you moping around here and crying all the time. Lady, you’ve got to open your eyes, you’re emotionally blackmailing Andy.”
Erika felt his words like a slap. “I would never do that to Andy…”
“I didn’t accuse you of doing it on purpose, but you are doing it. W
hen you act like that hurt girl he met all those years ago, it triggers something instinctive in him, and he will move Heaven and Earth to protect you, even when it’s the wrong thing to do. When you stand on the outside looking in like I do, you see a lot.”
Shit, Marco was just repeatedly word smacking her today. “Is that how you feel Marco, really? Like an outsider?”
“Not in the way you think, no, but anyone that wants either Andy or you in their life has to accept a part of that person is inaccessible to them, only for the two of you. When you get your shit together, and Walker and you work it out, you’ll see, Walker will see. He can have a relationship with you, and one with Andy and me, but he will never break into that special thing you and Andy share. When it comes to that, we are all outsiders.”
Marco appeared to be enjoying telling her off a little too much.
“Stop frowning Cinderika, you’ll wrinkle. It’s just the way it is, I’ve accepted it and Walker will too. It’s kind of beautiful to watch, most of the time, but when it’s poison, like it is now, it’s ugly. I love you to bits, you know that, I can never repay you for pushing Andy into my life. I can’t imagine him not being a part of it. But you know what, I don’t like you much right now. You’re self-absorbed and negative. You aren’t loving with your whole self, just paying lip service to both Andy and Walker.”
Marco smirked and lifted a finger to close her jaw. “You doubt Walker, the man you trusted enough to throw your legs over your shoulders in the cab of a truck, without protection. Why? Because you love him madly. That kind of love doesn’t just go away. Yet, you cower behind Andy for protection from this man you trusted with your heart and body, but not to love and accept his own child?” Marco must have sensed her anger and tears, because he held her tighter.
Indelible You (Imagine Ink) Page 10