Shuffling through the sheets, he set the letter from Erika to him aside, but not before his kissed the ink.
Ah ha, found it, the three pages from Andy to Erika.
My Dearest Cinderika,
You know, I couldn’t love you more if I were straight.
Again, he read that part over and over before at last moving on.
There is not a thing in this world I would not do for you. You have been there for me through everything, and I would go through it all again, as long as you were by my side. You salvaged my heart when some guy ripped it from my chest and tore it to shreds. You defended me against my tormentors and would-be rapists all those years ago. You rescued me from a lifetime without my Marco. You shielded me from my father’s wrath, as I believed it would be anyway, and have given my mother such joy in her final year, but most of all, you saved me from myself.
You know how some people say that others carry an inner light and they are a rare breed? Well, you my dearest, are not one of those people, you are even more scarce because you do not carry an inner light, you are light in its purest form. You stormed into my life, shedding that light into places no one had dared to go, the darkest corners of my soul. Instead of recoiling in horror from the spiders and skeletons caught there in the cobwebs, you dusted them off, cleaned them up, and brought them front and center. You showed me that they weren’t spiders and skeletons after all, but flowers and weeds.
Walker stopped for a moment in stunned reflection. He thought the exact same thing about Erika. She was light, pure and unadulterated light, the kind that made people want to simply bask in its glow. That Andy saw it too spoke volumes.
You taught me that most people only appreciate the flowers while overlooking the beauty of some weeds. But also, that weeds, no matter how beautiful, if not tended and tempered, will still choke out the flowers and vice versa. In order to have a unique garden, one must balance both. Teaching me over the years, that some weeds actually bear a more beautiful bloom than the most exotic of flowers.
You tended my spiritual garden, which I had all but ignored.
You.
You embraced that part of me, my weeds. Nurturing that which most believe must be pulled out: must be eradicated to make a garden more appealing to the eye, more inhabitable for the flowers. By doing so, you have created a most unusual arrangement. One which boasts blooming weeds and flourishing flowers.
You, my friend, have never asked for anything in return. You were content just to be that; my friend, as is.
Me.
Andrew Michael Wellington.
That in-the-closet gay kid from Junction City, Kansas.
You love me, weeds and all. You love me not in spite of being gay, and not because of it either, but because you love me simply because I am me, period. I am someone you love, who just, oh, by the way, happens to be gay. Thus demonstrating, that one facet of myself doesn’t reflect the whole me. Instead it is all those facets, shining in the light that create a prism effect, the rainbow of ourselves. Our whole selves, because a rainbow can never exist in only one color.
You accept me, all of me, always have. In my juvenile attempt to pay you back, I offered you the only thing I had of value that you wanted, a family. I was glad to give you that which you’ve been denied your whole life. You’ve given me a gift which was priceless, is priceless, the honor of being your family. You knew from day one, the limits of what I offered, and it was enough for you. Knowing that if it were within my power to have been your husband in truth, I would’ve done that for you because my love runs that deep. But as you have so often pointed out, it is no more a choice than my eye color, and I love you all the more for that.
I thought it an altruistic offer back then. I wanted nothing more than to give you my protection and to be your family, legally, or so I thought. At the time, I believed you had nothing to lose and everything to gain by marrying me.
Erika, my heart, I have wronged you, and I was selfish.
While I’d convinced myself it was all about you, it was more about me. I was comfortable hiding behind our friendship and not reaching out to anyone else. While you helped me not to be ashamed of who I was, I still seemed to live a lie out of convenience and familiarity. I know you will never understand this, but there is something quite freeing about pretending to be heterosexual. Never having to wonder if I was being treated differently for being gay, passed over or promoted as a direct result of it. Knowing that everything I earned, or didn’t, had absolutely nothing to do with that one aspect of who I am. It was almost as freeing as, pretending to be something I am not was imprisoning.
And not just me, it has imprisoned you too.
I didn’t start to come to that realization until you came home five years past and told me about meeting Walker. Your eyes told me it wouldn’t be long before you were head over heels. Then a couple of years ago, when you confessed as much, but refused to pursue it, I understood then that I had inadvertently clipped your wings in my twisted attempt to help you fly. I tried to tell myself that because of our contractual-like marriage, you were free to do as you pleased, but deep down, I knew you’d never do that.
But then, when you called me months ago and told me what happened, I knew whose fault it was. You showed up in more pain than I’d ever seen you in, even with all you had survived, I was worried this would be the time you’d lose that sparkle, and I was right. It has dimmed more and more with each passing day, and though Walker’s words and actions were the catalysts, the blame for its extinguishment rest squarely upon my shoulders.
I cannot apologize enough for what I have already cost you, but God willing, it won’t be too late for you and Walker to find forgiveness with each other and become the family that you have craved your whole life. I want you to try to understand Walker’s feelings, as he doesn’t know the whole story. I am confident once he does, and accepts the consequences of what has transpired, both good and bad, I believe you can truly be happy together.
I know I said that I would never initiate a divorce, that it would have to come from you, as I would never abandon you, but at 20, I spoke only half-truths. It is a fact that I will NEVER abandon you, you will always be my family, but I have filed for divorce.
It is my deepest hope that you see these papers for the gift they are, not the supposed gift I once offered you. I believe, as your pain lessens, you will understand why I am doing this. I want you to be free to pursue your life and happiness without restriction, to start your family free of loose ends. My sincerest desire for you is to meet that special someone, that lucky man whom you want to gift with the abundance of love with which I have been honored with. A man you can love on a level that transcends that which we share. Most of all, one that accepts you, weeds and all. If that man is Walker, great, if it’s not, then at least you will be free when the right man does comes along. I will joyfully give you over into his loving care when that time comes, but know that you will never cease to be my family. Family is forever.
I no longer need a piece of paper to cement that, and neither do you.
My deepest love,
Andy
Holy Shit!
Just when Walker thought he couldn’t possibly be more shocked, he finished reading Andy’s letter for the fourth time. The love Andy and Erika share is, simply, breath taking. It was so overwhelming, he teared up again. Him. A guy who never cries, who has more tats then a crowded biker bar for fucks sake, here on his bed, crying yet again. So caught up in, apparently his new favorite past time, bawling like a fucking baby, the references to how long Erika has loved him didn’t sink in right away.
The depth of Andy’s love for Erika is so glaring. The black-inked words transformed into something else entirely once Walker read them aloud. Smiling to himself, he understood it. Loving Erika that much was easier than breathing, he knew that first hand. Walker felt a twinge of jealousy Andy had been privileged to have loved her for so long, but it died a quick death when he realized how much Erika must love
Andy in return.
No jealousy at that thought, just a deepening of his love for her, and by extension, Andy. Only remarkable people were capable of that kind of lasting love, both receiving and giving, and Erika was just that, remarkable.
Rubbing the likeness of her eyes on his chest he realized, if Erika was capable of loving Andy with that passion and depth, and for life, then when she gifted him her love, it was with the same intensity and no expiration date. Even more so since her love for him was of a different nature than what she felt for Andy. Not to mention physical.
Relating one hundred and ten percent to Andy’s adoration of Erika, he knew he couldn’t live without her. Wouldn’t live without her. She left her mark on everyone who was fortunate enough to receive her love and return it. Walker would be damned if he let her slip away, he would fix this, or die trying.
Aside from the tat on his chest, she had stamped his heart and branded his soul. An unbreakable bond symbolized by permanent marks. Never to be erased, nor eroded with time. Forever. Once she marks you, you belong to her.
Erika Juliet Pressman was indelible.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
TORI
Tori didn’t bother knocking, she just barged into Walker’s like she always did. Wow, the place was…not the same. Better, definitely better. Holes that needed to be patched still peppered the walls, but the overwhelming eau de vomit was gone, and looking around cautiously, so was the alcohol.
Had Walker gotten back on track? Hell, had he worked things out with Erika?
No, surely Erika would’ve divulged that information, called her first, well, not first, but second. Tori had only talked to Erika a few times, and briefly, but her best friend wouldn’t have left that out. Erika said she would speak to Tori later, once Walker had read the stuff she left for him. Her best friend had sounded bogged down with pain, but cautiously optimistic for lack of a better description. Erika seemed to believe once Walker “knew all the facts,” they would come to a comfortable arrangement. Whatever the hell that cryptic bullshit meant.
Tori had thought for sure Erika was pregnant, but no way in hell Walker would still be here if that were the case. Knowing Walker, he would’ve hopped on his bike and rode all the way to North Dakota nonstop and married her at the nearest chapel the minute he got there, still covered in road grime. He wouldn’t even waste the time to shower for his own wedding day. Since he was still here, that wasn’t the case, but there was something strange afoot.
Tori didn’t have time to puzzle out their relationship, she was too consumed with her own. Richard had finally asked her for more than just a weekend here and there. She took that as a good sign, maybe he had finally gotten the divorce and was advancing their relationship to the next level. He invited her to a season-long getaway to some rustic family cabins in the middle of freaking nowhere. Generator powered country living at its finest, with no phones or Internet.
He said it was a cluster of cabins his family rarely used anymore, but with his dad’s passing, he was obligated to give it three months and decided to turn it into a lovers’ getaway trip for them. Tori was beyond excited, so much so, she overlooked the fact his invite to her was an afterthought, and she didn’t even know his dad died. Their relationship hadn’t had a sexual nature for a long time, her choice, but if this was the trip she thought it was, that might change. Hopeful once he finally got his divorce, Walker and her friends would accept their relationship. Especially since this felt like a proposal trip.
That thought was bitter sweet at best, since Tori had been questioning whether or not she even wanted to be with Richard on any level. There was a piece of her that tried to cling to the hope of what he first promised.
“Hey Dubya, where you at?”
“Shit, Tor, don’t you ever knock? I’ll be there in a minute, just let me get dressed,” Walker yelled from his room.
“What’s up, Sis?”
Catching Tori by surprise with his voice and a well-place goose to her ribs, she spun around and smacked his chest with one hand, while placing the other over her racing heart. “Shit Dubs, you scared the hell out of me.” Her eyes tracked the length of her brother. Wearing only jeans, Tori could see he was putting some of his weight back on. Looking healthy and dare she dream, happy? Only healed scrapes and long-faded bruises graced his knuckles now, and she was overcome with emotion.
Throwing her arms around her baby brother, she tried to squeeze him hard enough to squelch her own tears. “Oh Walker, I’m so proud of you. I was terrified for you, we all were. Afraid we would lose you to the drinking or violence or prison again, or, or worse.”
“Shush now Torionna. I’m fine. Better than fine. Thanks to Erika and Andy, I’m in a better place now than I’ve ever been.”
At the mention of Andy, Tori pushed off his chest and peered up at him in shock. “Andy? So, you know about Andy? How? You wouldn’t listen and I couldn’t tell you and…”
“Erika,” Walker interrupted her blubbering. “Erika dropped of a folder of papers for me a while back, and with Andy’s daily calls and texts, I finally started reading them.”
That stunned Tori, not because she didn’t know about the folder, she did, but because Walker was apparently at least friendly with Andy. “So, you and Erika are back together then? Why isn’t she here or you there?”
They walked over to the couch and plopped down side by side. Tori curled up like a cat next to him and he held her like he used to when he was just a boy and she a teenager.
“No, we’re not back together, yet. I have to get things right before I approach her. Andy needs to file the divorce, because the minute I see her, she’ll either marry me or send me packing. No other option will be available to her. Plus, look around Tor, I can’t bring her back here until the repairs are complete. The contractors start soon, and with the time bonus I ponied up, they should be done in under a month.”
Tori’s fear came rushing in. Fear that if Erika were well and truly done with Walker, she would lose her brother for good this time. “What if she sends you packing Walker? I don’t think the family can bear losing you that way again.” Bear losing you for good, she added silently. Walker kissed the top of her head and rubbed her arm.
“No worries sis, I told you, I’m good. I love her. I want, and even need her, but I will not make her responsible for my health and happiness. That is a terrible burden to saddle someone with. I’ve come to the realization I can, and will, be responsible for myself, including my own happiness.”
Walker encouraged Tori to make eye contact with him, see the truth there before he went on. “If Erika can’t, or won’t, be with me, I’ll live with it. I won’t like it, and it will tear my heart out, but I’ll adapt and I will eventually move on and create a happiness without her. It will most definitely not be the one I want, and I’m not saying it will be easy, but I can do it. For her, so she doesn’t feel like she destroyed me, and for me, because I deserve it.”
Tori was astonished and elated at Walker’s revelations. She began to sob like a child. He really was in a good place. He had this whole life thing figured out, her baby brother. Hell, she didn’t even have this life thing figured out and she had six years on him. His wise words settled into her on another level, one where Richard was concerned. She filed those thoughts away for later to focus on Walker right now.
It was the first time Walker ever felt worthy of happiness and that was miraculous, incredible to finally see. No matter how much they told him so, he felt unworthy of anything tender and good, especially love and happiness, but he finally saw himself the way they did.
“So, does that mean you forgive her over the whole,” she air-quoted, “adultery” thing?”
“It wasn’t like that Tori, I see that now. I was too judgmental on the black and white aspect of marriage that I never stopped to think that there may just be a gray area after all. Erika tried to tell me, but my stubborn ass wouldn’t listen. As soon as I can get things settled and Andy gets stuff taken care of on
their end, I plan to fly to Minot and tell her that I see the fucking gray now and I love the hell out of her.” Walker chuckled at the thought.
Tori saw Walker’s new “view of the gray” as a sign that he might be ready to accept, or at least grudgingly tolerate, Richard. Was that what she really wanted though, she thought. She shook off her doubt, yet another thing to file away for later.
“Speaking of gray areas, Richard is taking me on an extended camping trip. I think he is getting a divorce finally, or already got one and might ask me to marry him. I know I can’t have your blessing, hell, I’m not sure I have my blessing, but I was hoping you’d be okay with the trip at least because it’s what I want.”
As she said the words, a tiny voice she had all but ignored since meeting Richard, whispered, no it’s not. She snubbed that voice and shook off her doubts. “Also, since you don’t plan on heading north anytime soon, I need you to watch Sixx and Mars for me? Please, I just…”
Cutting off her begging with a squeeze, Walker capitulated. “I love you Tor, and of course I’ll keep the mutts. I’m sorry I’ve given you such a hard time over Dick, I mean Richard. I will respect your wishes, but I don’t think it’s a good situation for you, and I’m pretty sure you’re starting to see that too. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve, and I just know you’re going to get your heart broken, but I won’t mention it again. I’ve learned a lot of things and not to take anything at face value is one, so go enjoy your camping trip and…wait. You camping? Like for real camping? I don’t believe it.”
Slapping him playfully on the chest as the teasing easy atmosphere prevailed, Tori answered with mock offense. “I’ll have you know that I can camp, I can even start a fire and cook stuff on it.” They were both in stitches at the absurdity of Tori cooking anything, let alone over a campfire.
Indelible You (Imagine Ink) Page 12