No Way Back Today

by Eric Shoars

  “How so?” Jason follows up.

  “At first we questioned Eric’s sanity and wondered what the hell he was getting us into,” Todd chimes in. “Honestly, I was the one who was the biggest holdout. This seemed like the dumbest idea ever. When you consider everything involved, this idea should not have gotten off the ground. But it did. Here we are.”

  “That begs the question why,” Jason folds Todd’s answer into his next question. “Why does it work?”

  “It works because we work,” Lorelei answers. “It’s not about fame or notoriety or proving anything or vanity. For us, it’s about enjoying our renewed friendship through our music and linking us and our message with others.”

  “Let’s talk about the music,” Jason looks down at the blue index card in his hand. “I’ve obviously not heard all of your songs but, from the videos I have seen, these songs – these lyrics – seem truly personal. Eric,” Jason fixes his eyes on me, “where did the inspiration for these songs come from?”

  Jason keeps mentioning our videos on YouTube. We’re pleased we had Julie video practices and the Surf Ballroom show. Having those videos online has allowed us to get the Onions out there when we’ve barely gotten out of the gate as a band.

  A deep breath in and then back out before I respond. Even though the four of us have embraced the lyrics, I still get a tummy tickle thinking of Everything Changed and Todd’s first reaction to that song.

  “Lorelei said it perfectly in that we’re looking to associate with people through our music. Even though many of our songs come from our personal experiences, our songs are the experiences of our generation, with people of all ages. It’s about crafting songs that aren’t Onions At A Crime Scene songs; it’s about singing songs that our audiences have lived. Our songs are authentic, are heartfelt...”

  “And heartbreaking, yes?” Jason tweaks the anxious nerve of mine. “Let’s talk about Everything Changed.”

  Let’s not, the voice in my head answers.

  “Zowie!” Jason continues apparently unable to hear the voice in my head. “An emotionally-charged song. Rips your heart out,” he finishes putting his right hand over his heart as though his is in danger of being taken out of his body. “Who belongs to that situation?”

  “Me,” Todd says without hesitation, raising his hand so there is no mistaking who claims ownership of the heartache.

  “Can you talk about it?” Jason queries. “Is it still painful?”

  “Yeah,” Todd nods. “It took a long time and,” he looks over at me, “the song re-opened a wound I thought was closed. And – can I say this on TV – it pissed me off. Big time.” I nod to confirm Todd’s statement. “It’s something that will always sting because she was ‘the one’.”

  Jason shakes his head. “Superb. Great stuff.” He looks over at Laurel once more. “Let’s talk money.” Lori snorts in surprise at the non-sequitur introduced to her bandmate. “Your management team tells me you’re donating proceeds from your concerts and merchandise sales. Is that true?”

  The four of us exchange quizzical looks. “Management team?” Laurel asks Jason for clarification.

  “Yes. Seth and Julie. Aren’t they your management team?” he follows up.

  A simultaneous ‘ah-ha’ from us. Got it. Management team. Laurel chuckles. “Yes, of course, they are. We just call them spouses. Same thing.” Crowd laughs once more.

  I’m pleased by our acceptance from those assembled. It’s not just polite, it’s almost affectionate. I’m also enjoying the lighter side of Laurel and don’t mind that she has become the point person for interviews and on stage. This was never about ego stroking or needing this to be all about me. It’s always been about the four of us, about the band. Laurel’s fronting our group reminds me how she has embraced our merry band of 50-somethings.

  “This reunion tour was never meant to be a money grab. The No Way Back Today tour is sponsored by Centrum Silver,” she pauses for a moment allowing us to turn to the camera and put our palms under the Centrum Silver logo on the left sleeve of our tour’s medium blue polo shirts. That ought to make our benefactor happy. We turn back to Jason who is doubled over laughing.

  Jason composes himself and says, “About as adroit of a sponsor plug as I’ve ever seen. Very smooth. Go on. Please.”

  “We’re not doing this to get rich,” Laurel states. “With Centrum Silver’s generosity and belief in us, we can donate the proceeds from our ticket and merchandise sales to fight human trafficking. It’s a scourge that is ruining countless lives. We wanted to make this reunion tour mean even more to us and help others. This is how we are accomplishing that.”

  “Come to our concert and buy our stuff!” Lorelei blurts out to the audience; here and in front of their TV sets. “Embrace the good. Do good.” Cheering fills the studio.

  Bring those cheers to First Avenue tomorrow night and bring friends. Lots of friends, the voice in my head implores.

  “What’s the biggest surprise to this point?” Jason moves on to the next question.

  Todd jumps in for this one, “For me, it’s the response from others outside our generation. We’re all Xers and that’s what our songs are about. But the kids of the Xers are embracing us too.”

  “Acceptance, definitely,” Lorelei attests. “We’re four ordinary people in a band no one ever knew or had heard of. How were we to ever expect this response?”

  “Let’s pick up on acceptance, Eric,” Jason brings his attention my way. “The reason this band didn’t come together decades ago was because a band teacher didn’t believe you could be a drummer, isn’t that right?”

  Todd and I have a quick exchange with our eyes. Now things get personal for you, his eyes seem to tell mine. I take the answer to Jason’s interrogative in a different direction.

  “If Onions At A Crime Scene is built upon a junior high band teacher’s rejection, then our foundation is not great enough to sustain this journey. If there’s anything we’ve learned personally and from those who have sent emails or posted on social media, it’s that we all have had others doubt us, dash a dream, squash an ambition. What has been so gratifying for us is how others have been inspired by our story and reminded by us that it is never too late to run toward your dreams, no matter how old a person is. If there is anything the Onions should be remembered for, we hope it is that.”

  “This ain’t no pity party, it’s an aspiration celebration!” Lorelei sends forth throwing her hands in the air in victory.

  “What, are you Dr. Phil now?” Todd asks Lori incredulously. The studio is filled with laughter at the playful bickering that comes from a place of affection not antagonism. “You got any other cliché’s of wisdom?”

  “Don’t block, rock!” Lori quips looking Todd squarely in the eyes.

  Todd face palms at being one-upped so quickly. The audience eats it up. It’s so funny how I’m the serious one now and the others are the jokesters. I am so okay with that. This is why I wanted to reunite us. The friendship. The camaraderie. The silliness.

  Jason throws his arms wide open as a crescendo to the interview, “Let’s hear it for Laurel, Lorelei, Todd, and Eric...Onions At A Crime Scene! It’s the No Way Back Today reunion tour brought to you by Centrum Silver. Go see them tomorrow night at First Avenue in Minneapolis. Tickets still available. We’ll be back after this.”

  The floor manager gives Jason the signal that we’re off air and the commercial break has begun. The audience is still buzzing. All in all, this was a bodacious interview.

  “That was terrific!” Jason’s excitement over how well the segment went is evident. “You folks have tremendous chemistry. If I didn’t know it weren’t so, I’d swear you’d been doing this for a long time. This is about the best first time interview I’ve ever had.” Jason leans in and ends with, “No kidding, my audience gets excited about my guests but other than having a national celebrity on my
show, they don’t get as excited as they were for you today. Thanks for coming on.”

  Jason stands and shakes hands with all of us. “Good luck tomorrow night.” We thank and shake and then it’s off quickly so the next segment can be readied before the commercial break ends.

  “Don’t block, rock?” Todd says to Lori under his breath as we step off the set. “Seriously?”

  “Dr. Phil is totally going to steal that,” I observe.

  ***

  “ONIONS! ONIONS! ONIONS!” the chants continue to climb.

  First Avenue is shaking from its foundation on up. Something Resembling Responsible, our warmup act, did a marvelous job getting the audience pumped up for the main attraction. We’re on in ten minutes and this crowd is ready.

  “Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap,” Lori machine guns after doing a fast 180 to face the three of us. Her face is white; not the Lorelei I’ve come to know. The rest of us give her a collective expression of “What is it?” needing no words.

  Lori’s eyes are as wide as Frisbees. “Guys! The place is packed. Packed! We don’t know those people! This is unreal! They’re here to see us!” Lori puts her hands on top of her head in a mixed expression of panic and astonishment.

  A look of disdain appears on Todd’s face. “Is that what’s bothering you...people are here?” He shakes his head as he walks past Lori and moves the curtain slightly. He too does a lightning-fast 180. “Shit! People are here. Lots of people. My god, it’s wall-to-wall out there!”

  Great. Two band members having a panic attack. Laurel extends her arms at a 45-degree angle away from her body, palms facing the floor. “Okay, no one go near the curtain. Bring it in, Onions.” We gather in small circle. Laurel turns her palms to face the ceiling indicating we’re all to hold hands. Todd positions himself between the two women so he doesn’t have to hold my hand. I look over and nod at him silently communicating, I get it, old friend. No offense taken.

  We’ve all been on edge today. After our segment on The Jason Show we decided to have lunch and kill some time at the Mall of America. We thought we were just four friends, two spouses plus four adult women children hanging out at a mall. We failed to realize we’re a thing now. One person – one – recognized us from The Jason Show or the internet or something and suddenly the “Onions sighting” brought forth the friendliest mob of people who made us the nucleus of an extremely giddy bubble.

  Our social media team was on top of things from the get-go. Nicole posted on Instagram, Ashley went live on YouTube, while Faith and Hope hosted a Facebook live video giving a play-by-play of the action. They absolutely played it up when MOA security rushed to our “defense”. The dozens of women surrounding us were thrilled and of no threat to our safety but the speed and exuberance with which the swarm descended – how can I put this? We weren’t ready for it.

  As Todd would say, “This is when shit got real.” Really real.

  The Onions did not disappoint our fans. Autographs, selfies, hello videos to be texted to friends or loved ones...whatever the request was, we honored it. The experience was positive and gratifying but it is the first time our “adoring public” interacts with us and we’re a little freaked out by our sudden celebrity. We spend more time at the Mall than intended. MOA security gives us a personal escort all the way back to our rental van. It’s a quiet, determined drive back to our hotel.

  A day later we’re still unnerved and now we’re holding hands behind the curtain at First Avenue. “Guys, guys,” Laurel implores. “Relax. Enjoy. Embrace. There’s a wave of energy on the other side of that curtain. Don’t fight it. Ride it. We’ve already played a gig so we can do it. This is just a gig where we don’t know as many people. But they know us. They came here to support us. They’re rooting for us. They’re on our side.”

  “Something bigger than us is at work here,” I add hoping to encourage not freak us out further. “Whatever it is, people want to be part of our journey. It’s now their journey too.”

  I take a big breath and blow it out hard. “We didn’t want to play to an empty room, well, damn straight we’re not. Let’s go give them an experience they’ll tell their great-grandchildren about.”

  The four of us stand motionless and listen. Not sure about anyone else but I start getting chills. Our eyes dart from one to the other checking to see how the rest of us are handling this. The gaze of fear turns to an expression of delight. We begin fist pumping in rhythm to the chants. We start chanting with the crowd. It is only then we notice Lorelei’s twins have been live streaming the entire thing since their mom peeked through the curtain. We’re shocked at first and then we get over it. Laurel said ride the wave and so we do.

  Laurel exhorts, “Onions on three...one, two, three...”

  “ONIONS!”

  We take our places on stage. Hope and Faith disappear to find a space in the audience to shoot video. Nicole and Ashley are handling the merchandise table while Seth and Julie hang close by just in case something pops up during the show needing their attention. We have our t-shirts which are teal blue shirts and have Lorelei’s signature slogan “Embrace the Good” on the front. On the back is the band’s logo across the shoulder blades, with No Way Back Today below it, tour cities and dates listed below it, with the Centrum Silver logo acting as a vertical bookend to the Onions’ logo.

  We have the leather wristbands Randee designed, Onions approved, and manufactured by a local company. Randee outdid herself. They’re magnificent. There is room for both the Onions and Centrum Silver logos on them. Laurel started the trend by wearing a leather wristband at the friends and family show. The Onions make it a signature and we all wear bands on both wrists. The promotional products company that made them gave us a deal on magnets if we wanted them too. We took them up on their offer.

  My bandmates are ready to go. Laurel has on the outfit she wore at our coffee meeting; Turquoise dress over leggings with high boots. No sweater this time out. Todd has on a short-sleeved red and black cotton shirt with jeans and cowboy boots. Lorelei is wearing a black tank top tucked in to her blue jeans, a black choker around her neck. Her belt buckle spells ROCK. I’m in jeans, an untucked, short-sleeved official Onions shirt, and sneakers. We look like a suburban rock band.

  I glance down once more to make sure my set list and my 4th grade drawing of the band are where I left them. We’ve mixed up the song order tonight and are starting with It’s Our Time Now.

  Minneapolis Set List:

  It’s Our Time Now

  Innovation Generation

  California Dreamin’

  Happy Ever After

  Take The Day

  Everything Changed

  No Way Back Today

  1986

  All Those Ones and Zeroes

  Encore: Talk Dirty to Me

  My buddy Jay Philpott jogs from stage left and gives us a goofy grin and a wink before he disappears to the crowd side of the curtain. Jay is the definition of a character and is one of the industry’s good guys. He was more than happy to help us get booked at First Avenue when I told him about the Onions.

  Jay and I go way back in the radio industry. My radio career kept me close to my roots while Jay’s kept him traveling up and down the dial across the country. These days Jay has settled in behind the microphone doing afternoons on the most popular radio station in Minneapolis.

  “Laaaaaadies and gentlemen, iiiiiit’s SHOW-time!” he screams barely able to be heard above the din, even with the microphone. “I’m Jay Philpott and tonight is the first show in the Onions At A Crime Scene No Way Back Today reunion tour presented by Centrum Silver!” The crowd cheers for all its worth.

  “Please give a Minneapolis welcome to...Onions At A Crime Scene!” The curtains part at the same speed at which Jay exits. He’s barely off the stage when we go full throttle. As with the Surf Ballroom show, we’re careful to not let our excitement throw
us off beat. Nerves before have become unadulterated adrenaline now.

  Not even 30 seconds into the song I see it. The house lights are set so we can’t see everyone in attendance clearly but we can see a sea of humanity wearing “Embrace the Good” official Onions t-shirts. I was hoping we might sell a respectable number of shirts after the show but for these folks to buy them on the way in and wear them for our first performance is astounding. About half of those wearing shirts also sport Onions wristbands as their fists punch the air over their heads. The other three have to be seeing this too. Wonder what they think about all of this.

  “Together we’ll make the change we need...have faith you’ll be, who you wanna be. Step up and narrate your own future...Life won’t be handed to you on a plate.” We sing.

  When I was a kid I remember looking at men and women who were 25 and thinking they were gods. Think about it...you’re out of school, have a job, money, your own place, a car. You can do whatever you want – within the confines of the law – whether it’s what time you go to bed, what TV shows you can watch, what food and clothes to buy. If that’s not godhood, what is? When I turned 25 I found out how spot on I was. It was like being a god.

  “It’s our time now.”

  The last notes are on their way out when suddenly a yell overcomes the assembled crowd – “Embrace the good!” My head jerks left to look at where the yell originated and it, appropriately enough, came from Lorelei. Guess she noticed the shirts too.

  “Thank you, Minneapolis! You guys are amazing!” Laurel picks up. “Just wondering if you like our new shirts?” She’s playing with them and they respond with a gigantic, “WOO!”

  “How about a little Innovation Generation?” Laurel asks. Doesn’t matter what the response is they’re getting it anyway. Clapping and hooting is the collective reply. I count us down and we launch into song two.