by Eric Shoars
“It’s in my pocket as we speak,” I answer reaching for my pocket. Three jaws drop and eyes widen. “Kidding!” The three plus Jen shake their heads at my hijinx. “Viking is resting comfortably in the attic at home in a box of treasured items. After 4th grade I put Viking away for safekeeping. Going to junior high I was afraid the older kids would take him away from me.”
“That’s sweet and a little sad,” Jen says then moves on to the next Onion. “What about Lorelei?”
“The time she took flight,” I say immediately. Todd and Laurel both groan.
“Kickball. Oh how I thought she was going to break something. Like an arm,” Laurel shudders.
“What the heck happened?” Jen leans in.
It’s up to me to provide the 4-1-1. “Our homeroom had taken a walking field trip to the library during the last class period one Spring afternoon. We got back early so we had time to play a quick game of kickball. At one point Lorelei was trying to score on someone else’s kick. Troy got the relay and, from just behind second base, he uncorked a throw to get Lori out.”
“Oof,” Todd shakes his head in reverence. “That guy had cannon.”
“Yeah,” I nod along with his head shake. “Lori tries jumping midway between third and home to avoid the throw and the ball hits her in the ankle...”
“...and Lori goes airborne and flew home. Mind you, the playground is all asphalt so there’s not a soft spot to land and she skids in,” Laurel finishes. “Miracle she didn’t get hurt.”
“Wow,” Jen’s blue eyes go wide. “Were you okay?” she looks intently at our keyboardist.
Lori chuckles. “Yeah. Couple of scrapes but nothing major. I was lucky...and that was the end of my playing kickball.”
“Totally get that,” Jen sympathizes. “How about Laurel? What do you remember about her from that year?”
“Queen of the swingset!” Lori exclaims so fervently she almost goes pop like the weasel.
“Oh! And how!” Todd jumps in.
“Still don’t know how you did it,” I whistle to provide punctuation.
“Did what?” Jen asks. “Spill!”
“No one could swing like Laurel,” Lori asserts. “We had this giant industrial swing set on the playground at school. Laurel was the first person I ever saw who went so high that she looped over the swing set.”
“No way!” Jen exclaims in disbelief. “Honestly?”
“I was running up to kick a pitch during kickball,” says Todd. “Laurel was in my sightline over the pitcher’s shoulder and I saw her do the loop a split-second before swinging my leg. The sight of her going over the top distracted me so much that I tripped over the ball and face-planted.” Todd removes his glasses and extends them toward our interviewer. “My glasses went flying. Luckily, not broken. She just kept going up, up, up.”
Jen eyes go wide in amazement. “Incredible.”
“Ohhh, it was,” I echo. “It was the talk of school for a week. I think Laurel just did it because she could but wasn’t trying to, if that makes sense. All of us were trying to duplicate her feat the rest of the week.” I shake my head with admiration. “No one could. Laurel was the only one who could do it.”
“Yeah, then she did it just to show off,” Lori says with mock disdain. “She just had to rub it in.”
“The boys had been telling me a girl shouldn’t be able to do it so I just reminded them a girl was the only one who could,” Laurel fills in the blanks. “They straight up ticked me off. So I kept doing it to spite them.”
“Why did you stop?” I turn to her and ask before Jen could, not knowing part of the story.
“The principal took me aside and told me to knock it off. He was afraid I was going to get hurt,” Laurel tells me.
Todd sniffs in the air. “I smell a lawsuit.”
She smiles and nods. “I’m sure that’s exactly what he was smelling.”
“Girl power,” Jen exclaims raising her left fist. “So glorious.” She then gestures toward Todd. “What memory stands out about Todd?”
The girls look at me to take the lead on this interrogative. “Hmmm...” I start to buy time and then the obvious hits me. “Oh, of course. Number one KISS fan over here.” Todd beams with pride. His chest puffs up and his posture straightens.
“He was such a fanboy,” Lorelei continues. “He brought in their album Destroyer when school started up after Christmas break. Showed it to everyone.”
“Don’t forget all the KISS t-shirts and the essays he wrote when we had to do writing assignments for Mrs. Johnson,” Laurel adds. “It was almost like a religion with him.”
“What do you mean ‘was’?” Todd jokes.
“You’re still a fan all these years later? Sensational,” Jen admires his continued passion. She utilizes a pregnant pause to signal a change in questioning then asks, “What’s been the biggest surprise for you on this reunion tour?”
“How much of this tour isn’t about music or the past,” Laurel jumps in first. “This is about how we have linked with one another and established a rapport with people we don’t even know.”
“For me,” Lorelei picks up the question, “it’s how many people share or are inspired by our experiences. The responses and the comments have been astounding.”
“Meredith,” Todd says matter-of-factly.
Jen stares blankly at Todd. “Do I know who that is?”
Todd pauses to contemplate how exactly he wants to answer. “Meredith is the woman in the song Everything Changed.”
“What was surprising about her?” Jen follows up.
“She showed up at the St. Louis show out of the blue and I ended up singing the song directly to her,” Todd clears up the mystery.
Jen’s eyebrows nearly clear her forehead. “You did what now?”
“Yeah, took me completely by surprise,” Todd acknowledges. “Had no clue she would be at the show or even knew about us. But there she was.”
“Took us all by surprise,” I insert. The ladies nod.
“We hadn’t seen each other since we broke up. Then she appears at our show and we’ve started talking again,” he finishes.
“That’s crazy,” Jen shakes her head trying to wrap her mind around it all. “How are things going?”
“Slowly. Which is just the way we want it,” Todd answers.
“There’s a story all by itself,” Jen suggests. “What about you, Eric? You’re the one who started all this...what’s been the biggest surprise for you?”
My eyes go skyward trying to find one answer in a multitude of possibilities. “I guess the biggest surprise in a tour of surprises is that this reunion tour happened at all. From learning how to play drums, to finding the others, to putting a tour together on the fly...there’s no way this should have been possible and, yet, here we are. And it is such a wonderful gift.”
“As wicked a gift as light up drum sticks from Sheila E, a signed guitar from Joan Jett, and performing with them both on Ellen?” Jen asks with a sparkle in her eye.
“Almost,” I grin.
Jen pivots to the camera and says, “From the Bottom Lounge on Chicago’s West Side, here with Onions At A Crime Scene, I’m Jen DeSalvo for Nude Hippo.” She holds her pose and her smile. The cameraman gives the clear signal and she becomes just Jen again.
“Great! You four are old pros at this interview stuff,” Jen turns and tells us. “We’ll get that edited into a package that includes footage from the first show, meet-and-greet, plus some sound bites from fans.” She’s almost bouncing in place with excitement knowing she’s sitting on a fun story.
The four of us dismount from our positions on the stage to thank Jen and say so long. Jen wraps a big hug around me and says, “Thanks for the story tip, Eric. I’m so happy for you and your friends. What a treat!”
“Hey, we appreciate you coming down and doing a story on us,”
I express. I look at Jen as we pull back from our hug and say, “You were working during the first show so I hope you’re able to stay and join with us for the last show.”
“Are you kidding?” Jen throws her hands in the air like she’s tossing confetti. “Of course I’m staying. This girl loves a party!”
Jen hugs the other Onions trading best wishes and thanks. “I just have to run back to the station quickly to log footage and such. I’ll be back before the next show starts. Seeya soon.” With that she and her colleague are on their way.
The four of us watch them make their way toward the exit and we realize everyone is gone. No family, no technical guys, no bar staff, no nobody…just the Onions in the middle of the small arena. We stand silent taking in the calm.
Soon the Bottom Lounge will again rock to the rafters with a new group of concertgoers to witness our final performance. This silence reminds us the final curtain at the end of the evening is indeed the final curtain for the Onions. It’s the finality we’re struggling with.
After tonight’s show there will be no more practices, no more interviews, no more concerts, no meet-and-greets, no merch, no hashtagging, no Onions. Life returns to normal tomorrow and normal just doesn’t have much appeal at this moment.
Todd lifts his wrist to get a view of his watch. “We should probably get ready for the last supper.” The three of us turn to him and look at him with an expression of did you just say that? noting the Biblical implications of his comment. He waves his hands about a foot in front of his chest somehow trying to erase what he said. “Sorry. Came out wrong,” he continues. “But we do have our family supper to get to.”
Indeed we do. Julie negotiated with the Bottom Lounge to reserve their banquet room for us. She thought it would be a nice touch for us to share a family meal here to celebrate a successful tour and what all of us accomplished together. Aniko and Jared, Christopher, Colin, and Cole, plus Meredith are joining us as special guests.
Todd invited Meredith to join us for the show and for our family meal too. She accepted and we are thrilled. This will be the first opportunity for us to get to know Meredith. We only had the abbreviated interaction following the St. Louis show so tonight we’ll get quality time with her.
Lorelei puts her hand on Todd’s forearm. “Yes, we do but can I ask you something?”
Todd furrows his brow as one corner of his mouth moves out in sort of a half-smile while the other corner stays put. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Well,” Lori starts tentatively, “we’re wondering how things are with her and what her story is. We’ve been wondering but have been afraid to ask.”
Todd nods understanding the trepidation. “Ah. Got it.” He pats Lori’s hand. “We’ve been talking and texting since St. Louis. She’s divorced. About ten years in they realized it wasn’t meant to be till death do them part. She’s been on her own since.”
“Kids?” Laurel asks.
“No,” Todd shakes his head. “They were both career first people and had put off having kids and split before they ever did.”
“What does she do?” I inquire.
“Bank president,” Todd says with more than a hint of pride.
“Nice!” I respond.
“Yeah,” Todd agrees. “We’re on equal footing. She doesn’t need my money and I don’t need hers. We’ll see where we go from here.”
Lori leans in. “But you’re hoping this relationship goes the distance, aren’t you?” Her smile is ear to ear.
My throat clears loudly and conspicuously bringing everyone’s attention my way. The others are bemused by this display. Todd observes, “I get the feeling you have something to say. Out with it.”
“I accept your lavish gratitude and praise for a song that brought about you and Meredith reuniting...” is what comes out only for Lori to interrupt me as I am in mid-bow.
“...and almost got you killed, I might add.”
“Yes,” I acknowledge. “That too.”
Todd lunges at me and grabs my untucked, navy blue, short-sleeved shirt, pulling me nose to nose with a speed that catches me off guard. My eyes go wide as the girls gasp. No one says a word wondering if I’ve gone too far.
Todd roars, releases my shirt, and proceeds to throw a bear hug on me that I’m pretty sure is about to break a few ribs. He starts laughing with a joy I can’t remember him ever showing.
“Ha! Got me there,” Todd guffaws. “I so wanted to deck you. But it all turned out okay, didn’t it?”
“I guess so,” barely squeaks out. Did I mention I think my ribs are about to go? Todd releases the embrace and air is allowed to enter my lungs again. The girls are laughing themselves silly at the spectacle. “Oh my goodness!” Laurel exclaims hugging herself, nearly doubled over. “You should have seen Eric’s eyes...”
“...they were like this big,” Lori continues making her eyes as wide as humanly possible then framing her face with both hands to signify how big my eyes looked. Her fingers wipe a continuous flow of tears from her face.
“You big lummox!” I smack Todd on the arm. “You trying to cripple me before our last show? Geez!” I am full of melodrama and everyone knows it. Todd puts a hand out and we shake on it. An acknowledgment of a friendship not just re-formed but re-forged.
“What’s going on out here?” Julie appears from behind the door that separates the hall from our event room where we’ll be eating. “We can hear you all the way across the ballroom. Is everything okay?”
“More than okay,” Lori replies.
“Good,” Julie says. “Let’s eat so we don’t have to rush before we have to take places for the night show,” she waves us in. The four of us smile at one another and turn to make our way toward the dining area. Todd slaps me on the back and I’m still wondering if my ribs are intact. We enter the room and before we know what’s happening...
“SURPRISE!!!”
The four of us flinch hard startled by the exclamation. Then we notice it. Helium balloons and streamers everywhere. Two large balloons - one in the shape of a five and the other a zero - are at the end of the room. Smaller balloons have phrases on them such as “Over the Hill” and “50 is Nifty”. All our family and friends plus our warm-up band Something Resembling Responsible are wearing those little cone-shaped party hats with the elastic chin straps.
Everyone in the room is wearing “Embrace the Good” t-shirts and blue jeans. About half are wearing Onions wristbands. Meredith walks up to Todd and puts a party hat on him. “Here,” she says. “This is yours.” Once the hat is on, Meredith gives him a peck on the cheek. Seth and Julie put hats on Laurel and me respectively. Faith and Hope each put one on Lorelei. She looks like she has pointy ears.
“Whaaaaat?” I finally respond.
“Well, come on,” Julie says. “Now that you’re all 50 we figured tonight would be our best chance to throw all of you a surprise 50th birthday party, especially since Lorelei finally joined the club a few days ago. Surprise!” she gestures around the room. “You had no idea, did you?”
“None,” Laurel answers taking in the decorations. “When did all of this happen?”
“When you four were out there being interviewed,” Seth says. “We had to scramble but I think we did ourselves proud.”
Jen walks in the room before another word can be said.
“Jen! Were you in on this?” I question.
“Sure was. Told you this girl likes a party!” Jen points to Seth and Julie. “These two clued me in about the surprise party after we scheduled the interview and I was in. They wanted to make sure I gave them enough time to get the room decorated. I guess with all these hands to help, I gave them all the time they needed.”
The four of us become statues still stunned by the surprise. It’s just now I notice the four, custom-made canes awaiting us. Each one is light blue, has our name on it, and have the On
ions and Centrum Silver logos adorning them. Nice touch.
Once our brains have begun processing the scene we are delighted by the spectacle. It’s funny to me that this journey began, in part, because our 50th birthdays were approaching. Now we’re all 50, we’ve shared a meaningful experience, and walked a path completed here.
“Don’t just stand there,” Julie urges us. “Get something to eat. Celebrate!”
The four sudden guests of honor do as we’re told and make our way to the buffet table. No sooner than we grab our plates and tableware we notice that the spread is the same as what we had at our practices - brats and burgers with all the fixings. We all look at each other and smile.
Laurel leans in to Lorelei and says just above a whisper, “Remember, brat to mouth” and we all share a fond memory of Lori’s wisecrack. Our family and friends make their way through the line once we’ve moved through. We move to our predetermined seats as noted by the place cards directing us to sit together.
“This is so wild,” Lorelei says. “Did not see this coming. You guys?” The rest of us shake our heads as our mouths are full of food.
“Whoa,” Todd alerts us, “what is that?” he points to the back corner of the room. The ladies and I turn to see what has Todd’s attention. “Is that some sort of shrine?”
Julie leans in toward us taking her seat next to Lorelei then points to Seth, all the Onions’ kids, and Meredith. “We created a memorabilia display of the tour along with photo displays of you four through the years. It was a side project we all worked on the last month or so. Finish eating so you can go over and check it out. The kids are especially proud of it.”
The four of us eat as quickly as we can without being rude or piggish and then move swiftly to the beginning of the display.
The “This Is Your Life - Onions Edition” begins with a “Timeline of the Onions”...a long line of construction paper that stretches twenty feet in length. The timeline begins with 1977 and a copy of our class picture. Following it is a stretch of paper labeled “The Dormant Years”.
“Dormant,” I say aloud. “That’s an understatement.” There are pictures in this section of the timeline of us graduating college, getting married, having kids, and professional successes.