Secret Agent Mummy

by Steve Cole

  “How careless of me. Thank you.” Cleopatra stretched, waved away Mew and Sam and rose to her feet. “You are no common boy, are you? I sense there is magic in you.”

  “Niall is able to see the truth of things from Ka-Ba,” Sam said proudly. “He is also my great friend.”

  “And the brother of she who returned me to life.” Cleopatra smiled. “You are welcome at my royal court, boy.”

  “Er, thanks.” Niall handed over the ASP. “Why did you have to hide away inside that thing in the first place?”

  Cleopatra shrugged. “Back in the year 30 BC, my enemies were closing in. The only way to escape them all was to pretend I was dead.”

  “You sent away all Secret Agent Mummies,” Sam remembered. “We were very sad. We cried tears enough to fill the bathtub of an elephant. The bathtub of an elephant shared with a hippo.”

  Cleopatra smiled. “How sweet.”

  “And also a wild bull,” Sam added. “And two horses.”

  “Yes, thank you, Mummy.”

  “And three crocodiles.”

  “I get the idea,” said Cleopatra firmly. “I’m sorry I had to trick everyone into thinking I had been killed by a bite from a poisonous asp, but it was necessary.”

  Sam sighed. “The priests of your temple let no one see your body.”

  “Because there was no body. As I told the boy, the ASP turned me to dust and sucked me inside.” Cleopatra smiled. “The perfect hiding place. I knew that one day – whether it was months or years or centuries in the future – the ASP would be found and I would live again, free of my long-dead foes.”

  “The Romans, you mean?” asked Niall.

  “A queen as great as I had many enemies,” said Cleopatra mysteriously.

  “Very interesting.” Mew was studying the ASP. “Technology like this was unknown in Ancient Egypt, and nor was it made in Ka-Ba. Where did you get this device?”

  Cleopatra glared at Mew. “Should a queen answer to a beast? Silence her, Mummy.”

  Sam gulped. “Er . . . kindly be hushed, Mew! Um, please.”

  “Me?” Mew looked like she was about to explode. “YOU are silencing ME?”

  “Cleopatra is my queen,” said Sam stiffly. “A simple Secret Agent Mummy is sworn to obey her in all things.”

  “And now, I am hungry,” Cleo went on. “I think I shall eat that large fish on the table over there . . .”

  “Urk!” Mew fainted.

  Niall was so shocked to see Sam telling Mew to shut up, he almost fainted too.

  Cleopatra sat back down in front of the Time TV and picked up the remote control. She flicked through scenes of Vikings raiding villages, of barbarian hordes, of knights storming castles and tanks trashing towns. And as she watched, her darkly made-up eyes looked sad. “The Earth has changed so much since last I lived. I will be glad to taste a fish again, after two thousand years! Kindly start cooking, Mummy.”

  “It is my honour to serve you, O Queen!” Sam saluted and whacked himself in the face with the palm leaves. “Oof! I shall prepare your meal at once.”

  Niall cleared his throat. “Now you’re back, O Queen, what are you going to do? You can’t just tell people you’re Cleopatra back from the dead to rule Egypt again . . . er, can you?”

  “A queen can do anything, if she has planned for it properly.” Cleopatra smiled kindly, then pressed a blue button on the remote. “Screen, show me how the Red Land west of the Nile looks today. Especially at the site of the Temple of Amun-Re . . .”

  The screen’s picture blurred and changed to show palm trees and greenery.

  Sam picked up the haddock and nudged Niall. “Isn’t she wonderful? What a queen! This is just like the old days . . .”

  Niall nodded to the screen. “What’s so special about that temple in the Red Land?”

  “That was the old Egyptian name for the desert,” Sam informed him. “Cleopatra often used to visit the temple to seek answers from Amun-Re, most mysterious and secret of the gods, visible only through the sun.”

  There were lots of suns in my dream, Niall remembered. “Did she get the answers?”

  “I do not know. I had to wait outside the temple. But I escorted her there and back. She had need of my protection.” He looked proud. “Why, I remember on one occasion, we were attacked by two angry geese! Of course, I went on a date with them.”

  Niall rolled his eyes. “You mean, you took them out.”

  “This too,” Sam agreed.

  “Funny, though . . .” Niall murmured. “If Mew’s right about the ASP not being from Ka-Ba, where did Cleopatra get it from?”

  “The pharaohs’ greatest task was to make sure that common Egyptians worshipped my masters from Ka-Ba as gods,” said Sam. “In return they were well looked after. This ASP was a gift, I am sure.”

  As he breezed off to the pyramid-shaped oven, Mew opened her eyes and crept over to Niall. “That queen has GOT to go!” she hissed. “Did you see the way she worked me to the bone with those grapes? Manual labour! Well, cat-ual labour. And she’s turning that mummy against me! It’s a scandal! A swizz! MIAOOW!”

  “Things could be worse—” Niall began.

  Just as he spoke, a massive explosion tore through the Pyra-Base. Chunks of stone flew everywhere. Niall was thrown to the ground and landed on top of Mew. Cleopatra was thrown off the sofa. Sam was thrown into the oven. (The fish was thrown nowhere in particular.) Smoke and sandstone billowed into the operations room . . .

  Mew crawled out from beneath Niall, her tiara askew – and her eyes almost popped out of her head. “Things are worse, boy! Things are terrible!”

  Looming in the shattered doorway were two enormous lizard creatures. Their orange eyes glowed like searchlights. As soon as they spotted Cleopatra sprawled beside the sofa, they threw back their heads and roared.

  Then, claws raised, they stomped and squelched through the smoke towards her . . .

  Chapter Seven

  Let Battle Commence!

  “No!” Sprawled on the floor, Cleopatra looked up at the looming monsters. “Not here! Not now!”

  Niall cowered. “You know these things?”

  “I met creatures like them long ago!” Cleopatra spat. “They come from beyond the stars. They care only for destruction!” She pointed at the two figures, and a jewelled ring on her finger flashed, sun-bright. The lizard-men roared in pain, hid their eyes and stamped about blindly.

  “What was that?” Niall demanded.

  “My ring contains a stun-ray – a gift from the Masters of Ka-Ba. But these creatures will soon recover.” Cleopatra got to her feet. “Mummy! Where are you? You must help me escape!”

  “I’m here, your pharaoh-ness.” Sam’s muffled voice came from inside the oven; only his legs were sticking out. “Mumbum will be recharged by now. He will take you away.”

  “Excellent.” Cleopatra turned to Niall. “Boy, will you fetch him for me?”

  “Me?” Niall spluttered.

  “I thank you.” Cleopatra picked up the ASP. “Now, before I go, I must collect something very important.” She turned to Sam, who was still stuck in the oven. “Mummy, it is your mission to deal with these evil creatures. Use your magic to send them far away. Fight them to your last bandaged breath if you must. Just get rid of them!”

  “You can depend on me, Madam Queen!” Sam stood up with the enormous oven jammed over his shoulders. “Now, quickly – you must escape through the emergency exit.”

  “Cats and kittens first!” Mew leaped onto one of the canopic jars, and Niall realized the stopper in the neck was actually a secret button. With the sound of a gong, a triangular door slid open in the far wall, and Mew scrambled through. Calmly, Cleopatra swept after her, clutching the ASP in both hands, and the door closed again.

  The lizard-men were recovering. Blinking and hissing, they began pushing forward through the rubble.

  “Come on, Sam.” Niall rushed over to his friend. “Stop mucking about with that oven. We need to get out of here.”


  “Which way IS out?” Still struggling, Sam staggered towards the lizard-men. Their eyes shone brighter, and beams of light shot out. FWAMMM! The oven broke apart to reveal the mummy within. “Thank you, demons – although cursed be your evil powers!” He held up his fists and danced on the spot. “You would like a bit of bandage? A morsel of mummy, hmm?” He ducked as another orange ray blasted over his head and scorched a hole in the wall behind him. “Or are you only wanting to redecorate?”

  “They’ll paint this place with bits of us if we don’t get a move on!” Niall grabbed Sam by the wrist, and accidentally tugged on a loose bit of bandage. A few grains of sand fell out and quickly turned into a tornado of yellow grit. “Whoa!” Niall jumped back as the supernatural twister roared across the room and engulfed the lizard-men, who howled with rage.

  “Well done, my young friend,” Sam yelled over the magical turbulence. “You triggered my sandstorm attack! That will keep them busy while we make like a melon and crumble.”

  “You mean, make like a banana and split!” Niall charged after Sam as he raced through the long sandstone corridors of the Pyra-Base. “Are we heading to the workshop to get Mumbum?”

  “Yes. Blessed be his fast-charging batteries!” Sam grinned. “Mumbum will be good as new again, ready to take Cleopatra far away.”

  “I wonder what it is she needs to collect . . .” Niall said. “And when she escapes, that’s great for her – but what are WE supposed to do?”

  His question was lost in the noise of pounding footsteps behind them. Glancing back, he saw the sticky lizard-men in pursuit: they were covered in sand and roaring with fury. One of them held a piece of blue crystal in its claw – a crystal shaped like a star.

  “Great – now they’re chasing us with a blue starry thing.” Niall swallowed hard. “They must think Cleo came this way too.”

  “Ha!” Sam laughed. “We lead them in the merry dance. Boogie-woogie! Is it not splendid?”

  “No!” said Niall with feeling. “Any more sandstorms you can whip up?”

  “No. But how about THIS?” Sam stopped, turned, and shook his hands like he had put them in something nasty. “Wait for it . . . be holding on . . .”

  “What are you doing?” Niall groaned. The raging monsters were coming nearer and nearer, and all Sam could do was a rubbish dance. “What’s meant to happen?”

  “I am into practice.”

  “Out of practice?”

  “Yes, indeed.” The bandages around Sam’s hips began to come loose. “It has been many centuries since I revealed these wondrous things . . .”

  “What wondrous things?” Niall stared in alarm. The lizard-men were almost on top of them, and now smoke was curling up from Sam’s bandage trousers . . .

  Suddenly, a black wooden sword shot out through the loose bandages on Sam’s left leg! Moments later, an identical weapon whooshed up out of his right leg. Sam caught one in each hand and, with a weird, high-pitched “HUUUUUUUUUU!” sound, jumped into a fancy fighting pose. The lizard-men skidded to a sandy stop.

  “I will hold off our foes with the enchanted ebony blades!” Sam swished the wooden swords through the air ahead of him. “They turn the one who holds them into a mighty fighter who knows no fear!”

  “Knows no common sense, either.” Niall stared in alarm as Sam threw himself at the monsters, spinning about and jabbing with the swords. Snarling and growling, the lizard-men shrugged off the blows and kept lunging at him.

  “Get Mumbum, my friend!” Sam called to Niall, ducking as the crystal was thrust towards him. “Quickly!”

  “OK, but be careful!” Leaving Sam to his strange swordplay, Niall ran through the Pyra-Base, hoping he still remembered the way to the workshop. Up some steps . . . through some embroidered drapes . . . His heart leaped as he found the right door and threw it open.

  WHUP! At once, a bandaged behind slapped into Niall’s face, shaking its tail in excitement.

  “Down, Mumbum!” Niall tried to push the over-excited mutt-butt away. “You need to suit up. Sam’s fighting monsters downstairs and he needs your help!”

  The bound-up bottom zipped straight into a shiny gold suit – his “battle-body”. The ears were extra-pointy, the snout super-sharp, and the big paws had golden claws. With an electronic “WOOF!” Mumbum rose up on his rocket jets and zoomed out of the door, racing to his master’s side.

  Niall dashed after him, back to the corridor where he’d left Sam – and gasped. The ebony blades had been smashed to pieces. Sam held the last remnants in both hands, waving them in warning as the lizard-men thumped ever closer, arms out to grab him.

  Like a shot, Sam’s proud pet zipped towards the monsters and attacked them with his gleaming snout, claws scratching at their tough, scaly skin.

  Taking advantage of the distraction, Sam pushed past the lizard-men. The one holding the blue crystal fell over, but the other grabbed Mumbum by the ears. With a snarl, the bionic robo-dog sprayed a small brown cloud from his rear. The lizard-men groaned and clutched their throats as a dreadful stink filled the air, and Mumbum flew free.

  “Good, Mumbum. Though you use much technology, your deadliest weapon remains all-natural.” Sam threw away the broken blades. “Your wind has winded them!”

  “Ugh!” Niall almost fainted at the pungent, nose-burning niff. “I don’t want to know what he had for lunch.”

  “Quickly now, boy,” Sam told his pet. “Hurry to Cleopatra’s side and do all she asks of you. I shall finish dealing with these lizard-men.”

  “How?” As Mumbum whooshed away, Niall saw that the monsters were already getting back to their feet. “The sandstorm didn’t finish them off and nor did the blades. Even Mumbum’s gas-attack didn’t work for long.”

  Hissing and rasping, the lizard-men began to advance once more. The smaller one was waving the blue crystal even more violently than before.

  “What about a pit-amid?” Niall cried.

  “I used the last one in Egypt. However . . .” Sam grabbed him and ducked through an archway that led to a dark stone chamber. “Fear not, my friend! I still have a trick up my sleeve . . . or down my sock . . . or in my shoe . . .”

  “Then turn on the lights and find it fast!” cried Niall.

  “No lights.” Sam reached inside his coat and pulled out something small and white. “But here is a pyramid grenade!” He tossed it towards the lizard-men.

  The explosion shook the floor. Smoke poured back into the chamber. Niall coughed, his eyes streaming, but he could still hear sticky, stomping footsteps drawing closer. “The grenade didn’t work!” he gasped. “What else have you got?”

  “Let me try . . . delta force!” Sam pulled a bandaged plug out of the palm of his hand, and high-pressure water gushed out at incredible speed, blasting the monsters in a foaming tide. Incredibly, it barely slowed them down as they splashed on through the swirling smoke.

  Still choking, Niall backed away and bumped up against something solid. “Oh no! Sam, is there another way out?”

  The mummy looked back and shook his head. “No. There is no way out from here.”

  “And nothing can stop those monsters,” Niall whispered as the lizard-men closed in. “We’re finished!”

  Chapter Eight

  Monster Mystery

  “We shall not be entering the netherworld yet, my friend. Hold on!” Sam grabbed hold of Niall – and hurled him high through the air!

  “Whoaaaaa!” Niall went tumbling through the smoke, straight over the heads of the lizard-men. He braced himself, knowing how hard he would hit the stone floor—

  SPLASH! A shocked Niall landed in a deep pool of warm liquid. He realized he was sitting in the crater made by the pyramid grenade, which had filled with water from the delta force blast. And the next moment Sam came scooting out of the clearing smoke. Now Niall noticed a large door made of heavy metal bars – the sort you might find in an old-fashioned jailhouse – which the mummy swung shut with an almighty CLANG.

  �
�There! We may now turn on the power.” Sam hauled down hard on a heavy lever in the wall. The lights came on, and Niall realized that his friend had actually led the lizard-men to the prison block and straight into one of the bare stone cells! “These creatures cannot get out. The Pyra-Prison was built to contain Ka-Ba’s toughest criminals.”

  “Clever, Sam!” Niall smiled. “You tricked those creeps into entering the cells in the dark so you could lock them in.” But as he listened to the monsters squelch about, he shuddered. They sounded just like the things in his dream. “It’s kind of weird, you know. I dreamed about Cleopatra, and she turned up for real. I dreamed of slithery monsters sneaking up on me, and that came true too. But what about those six extra suns in the sky . . .?”

  “Worry not, my friend! You simply dreamed that today would be six times as bright as usual,” said Sam. “And so it is! For not only have we won a great victory, but Queen Cleopatra is back among us!”

  “GREEE-OORRRRRN!” snarled one of the lizard-men. “GREEEEEE!” He held out the blue crystal again.

  Niall automatically took a step backwards. The crystal sparkled prettily, but surely it did no harm . . . If it was a weapon, why weren’t they using it?

  “Now, I must send the lizard-men away as her queenly pharaoh-ness commanded.” Sam began to pat himself all over. “Where did I put that spell of ultimate banishment? Aha!” He leaned on Niall, trying to read a spell scrawled on the sole of his foot. “Yes! This is a most powerful spell. It will send these monsters back to the land of their birth, wherever it may be.”

  “GR-GR-GREEEEEE!” The lizard-men sounded desperate.

  The more Niall looked at the crystal, the more sure he felt that the monsters were trying to say something. “Sam . . . All those groans and growls. I think maybe they mean something.”