by Lotte Daley
Triiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing the doorbell went for what felt like the zillionth time that day. I walked to the front door and opened it.
‘Darrrrliiing, oooh you look peachy!’ Tom Theodore almost did one of those little ankle click jumps famed by pixies in the forest. He kind of looked like one too, although as mentioned previously, Tom Theodore had a face that could melt a million women’s hearts. He was super stylish, which was obvious of course, because that’s his job. He gripped me tight against his hard body.
‘Ooomph!’ I said, holding tight to the jelly boobs.
‘I have with me the most fabulous gown!’ he said, and I smiled warmly.
‘What happened to your face?’ he asked, pointing to my forehead.
‘What? Oh that? It may not move for a while, I just had Botox!’
Tom looked traumatized. ‘Ewwwww!’ he said, pulling a tissue from his pocket. ‘You’re bleeding!’
‘OH MY GOD!’ I squealed, as blood trickled down the side of my head. I raced to the mirror and mopped it up.
‘Chillax,’ Aubrey called from the kitchen. ‘Hold the tissue on it for five minutes, hard, and you’ll be right as rain.’
‘You so didn’t need to do that,’ Tom said, looking at me, concern swept across his face.
‘I didn’t?’ I said, feeling really confused.
‘She totally did,’ Hanna said, appearing like a spectre in the corner. They shared a look. I sensed that something was going on between them and not in the I love you sense.
‘No, she didn’t.’ Tom stood his ground. Hand on hip, he minced into the living room, knocking Hanna out of the way.
‘Excuse me!’ Hanna said, a look of horror on her face.
‘Excuse me,’ Tom spat back, ‘but the last time I checked, girls in their mid-twenties didn’t need their faces ironed out by Botox. What were you thinking, Frost?’
Hanna stared at him. I thought, this is it, any minute now he’ll turn to pure stone.
‘Tom, you totally need to catch up with what’s hip and hot right now. I think you’ll find that eight out of ten women under the age of thirty are familiar with a vast array of cosmetic enhancements and I will also tell you Tom, FYI, I have plenty of aesthetic practitioners attached to plenty of young girls on my list.’ She stood there with her hands on her hips.
‘Whatever,’ Tom wafted his hand at her and turned his back. Hanna’s face was a picture. Honestly, if looks could kill, Tom would be totally dead.
‘Darling, I have for you beauty in a bag!’ he said. ‘Au naturel,’ he winked, as he laid out the sheath on the sofa and carefully unzipped it.
‘But I’ve already got all these other choices,’ I said, gesturing to the pile of clothes that had been brought in earlier. But before I could protest too much, I noticed the fabric glitter and twinkle.
‘Ooooh!’ I gasped.
‘Isn’t it,’ Tom cooed, as he pulled the garment out fully, ‘to die for!’
There in front of me, was a long, beautiful, white bustier gown. It was stunning!
‘I’m in love,’ I said slowly, hands clasped together. I was rapidly picking up gay body language as the days went by. I stroked the fabric of the Naeem Khan gown and swooped it from his grasp in order to hold it against myself in front of my hall mirror.
‘Whooaah,’ Tom shrieked.
‘What?’ I squealed, nearly jumping out of my skin.
‘Food! Make-up! Blood!’ he pointed furiously at my face. ‘The gown must not be worn under any circumstances until you are completely clean and shiny. The silk in this dress is to die for, the design is unlike any other, the colour is exquisite and the price …’ Tom gasped theatrically, ‘is unmentionable.’
He gathered the dress from my arms and carefully zipped it back into its cover.
‘Oh God, Tom, do you have to act as though you’re an extra from Les Misérables.’ Hanna goaded him. Tom ignored her.
‘Gross,’ Frenella exclaimed, as she held a cotton-wool pad on her swollen forehead.
‘We’re done here,’ Aubrey said, packing up his needles and putting them into his carry case. Magenta put the TV-guide magazine down and sighed dramatically. ‘Katie, darling, you are in safe hands now. I believe it is time for me to attend to other, more pressing engagements.’
Beep!
We all look towards the window and see a shiny black limo pull up outside the house.
‘Wow,’ I exclaim. More posh cars, who is in this one? For a fleeting moment, I wonder if it’s Fabio Matravers.
‘Our car’s here,’ Aubrey huffs as he gathers up the rest of his belongings. His coat-tails swing as he lifts his man-bag over his shoulder and wafts out into the living room.
‘M’lady,’ he says to Magenta, who whinnies as he extends his hand. I swear he said her name through gritted teeth.
The two of them go into the hallway.
‘Go,’ Hanna says, and I move swiftly after them.
‘Thanks for coming and, also, thanks for the head,’ I say before quickly realizing my faux pas.
Aubrey’s eyebrows shoot up so fast they look as though they are launching into space.
‘I mean …’ I say, my cheeks flushing. I can hear Tom giggling.
‘Thank you for the procedures to my head and also, the advice and support, it has been a great honour, Magenta, Aubrey.’ I smile at them, baring my teeth.
‘Urgh, Katie, you must see this friend of mine,’ Aubrey pulls a pen from his top pocket and scribbles a name and number down on the pad beside my, ooh, beside my pros and cons list for dating Jack Hunter. I pray, Please don’t notice, please don’t notice …
‘He’s a top dental hygienist, will turn those tombstones into pearly gates in no time,’ and with that, he flashes a smile that’s blinding, and hotfoots it out of the door after Magenta, who is already settling herself into the car. I breathe out deeply. He didn’t notice the list, oh God, he would have humiliated me, I know he would have done, it’s what he does best. My confidence was like a rollercoaster, up, down and loop the loop. So were the contents of my stomach. So much to think about. What was bugging Danielle? What was Bailey playing at? Why hadn’t Fabio called? I closed the door and my eyes for a moment and collected my thoughts. Deep breath in. I had to now walk into Battle Zone Galactica Glamour and negotiate my afternoon with Tom Theodore and Hanna Frost – two giant egos, one living room. However were we going to cope?
Hanna and Tom were getting along as best as they could. There were fake smiles and insincere arm pattings all round. Tom was explaining the ‘look’ he was going for with me, and Hanna was paying attention. Frenella sat perched on a breakfast-bar stool with one hand on her phone sending text after text and the other on a bloodied cotton-wool pad pressed to her head.
‘So,’ Hanna said, brightly. ‘The look we’re aiming for tonight is pure classical glamour girl.’
‘You get classical glamour girls?’ I said, thinking, surely you just get one or you get the other, not both, not together. Classical, to me, said no boobs. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to waste an opportunity to enjoy having a different set of boobs with my Wonderbra and enhancers. No way, they were going to have their moment of glory!
‘But the cleavage?’ I say, mimicking a pair of boobs with my hands, moving them up and down like some kind of perverted Charlie Chaplin.
‘You can still have class and tits,’ Tom says, smiling. ‘The gown is ultra classy, but with a modern twist, the bustier has an inbuilt corset, we’ll wire you in and make a gentle mound on either side, so you won’t end up looking like you have two Mitchell brothers stuffed down your top, oh no, we’re thinking …’ he rolls his eyes up to the right-hand side of his brain, splays his hands out ahead of him, ‘… perky,’ he says, finally.
‘Perky,’ I say, deadpan. ‘OK?’ I look to Hanna. She’s not saying a thing.
‘Sounds great to me!’ I say, clasping my hands together. God, I was getting so good at this. I throw in a little twirl for effect. Tom’s fac
e lights up.
‘Excellentey! Let’s begin!’
The rest of the afternoon passed by in a happy fuzz of hairspray and backcombing. Frenella was absolutely out of this world amazing at doing manicures, my nails were perfect and square tipped. I’d never had posh nails before! I couldn’t stop looking at them, all white tipped and sophisticated. Frenella made my feet look resplendent with baby-pink varnish and a full-on scrub of all the hard skin on my heels. Once again, my face was decorated with the best products money could buy. There was even a mineral make-up thing with diamonds in it worth zillions. It’s totally true, though, about getting what you kind of pay for. I mean, I hadn’t actually paid for any of it, but still the difference between a powder with diamonds in it and my Boots own brand was astonishing. Oooh! It felt so good! Tom painted my lips a beautiful light pink and swept gloss over the top. My eyes were a cream colour with just a dash of black smudged on the outside to create a very light, smoky-eyed look. Long fake eyelashes were glued on and once my blusher was applied, I was done. By the end of the pampering, I felt so unrecognizable I didn’t even know my own name. Ziggy Wang arrived to fix my hair, adding a spray that lifted my hair up into voluminous waves. He then fixed in several clip-in hair extensions, and honestly, my hair was as glossy and long as the tail of a horse. I was totally about to outdo Jessica Hilson in the style stakes! I had visions of us both in Sizzle Stars, ‘Katie v Jessica, Style Wars!’ As long as I had this team of beauty magicians behind me, I was confident in winning. Finally, everything was applied and brushed and to top it off, a little shoulder massage from Ziggy Wang’s assistant left me suitably relaxed. With a hairdo that bounced with body and was so uber-primped and preened to perfection, I felt as though I was messing it up by simply existing within it.
‘Wow,’ Tom cooed slowly. ‘I have never seen a vision so super stunning as I see before me right now!’
‘Shh,’ I giggled, ‘you’re making me blush!’
‘The dress,’ he said dramatically, ‘is awaiting you.’ Tom unzipped it for me to put on. ‘Katie Lewis, for tonight and evermore,’ I stepped into the dress, excitement bubbling out of every single pore,
‘you are … a real celebrity!’ He gasped and did a little jig as Frenella appeared behind me to zip me into the beautiful gown.
‘Jack’s going to totally die when he sees this,’ Frenella squealed.
‘So?’ I said, spinning round to face Hanna. ‘What do you think?’
‘You look … exactly how a brand-new, up-and-coming, celebrated person should look,’ she said and smiled.
Wow, I thought to myself. I’ve really arrived if Hanna thinks I’m good.
As Tom and Ziggy Wang busied themselves fixing the last bits of Frenella’s beehive, Hanna sidled up to me and whispered, ‘You’ve done Poets Field PR proud, Kate.’
I smiled warmly, she does like me after all!
‘For Christ’s sake, don’t fuck it up,’ she hissed, before turning on her heels and walking up to my bathroom.
Chapter 14
8pm
Frenella sits with one leg over the other, wearing an Elie Saab dress, holding a Lulu Guinness bag. She looks like a tiny little princess, with glitter dusted upon her tanned shoulders and little crystal jewels in her blonde beehive. Hanna stands poised to perfection against the backdrop of the white curtains of my living room wearing a Hervé Léger bandage dress. She looks fierce. Amazonian goddess, albeit with no chin. However, she did appear less horsey than normal today, and her brown chestnut hair was curled in ringlets which fell loosely down her back. She had a sensual glow to her which matched her coral-pink lipstick to her charcoal grey dress. Her heels were so high she was in danger of going through the ceiling.
Tom Theodore wore a dapper suit with his hair groomed to within an inch of its life and Ziggy Wang, who had decided last minute to come along for the ride, wore distressed leather with a fitted shirt. I couldn’t quite work out whether it was a fashion disaster or not, but then I wasn’t exactly skilled at spotting designer this or designer that.
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ I said, as I lifted my dress from the floor and shuffled up to my bedroom. Everyone had their eyes fixed on the window, waiting for our limo to arrive. For once, they barely noticed me leave the room.
Safe and secure in my bedroom, I gently sat down upon the beautiful KATY sheets and rubbed the material of my Sonata throw between my fingers. It felt so luxurious. I glanced up and caught sight of myself in the full-length mirror. I didn’t recognize the reflection staring back at me for a minute, but I saw my eyes, underneath the false lashes, I saw myself, and I saw for the first time in months, a happy version of myself. I was glowing. My dress really was amazing. I sighed heavily. I was afraid, but of what?
‘What are you so scared of?’ I whispered in the mirror.
8.30pm
‘Can I come in?’ the voice of Tom Theodore wafted through the crack of my door.
‘Sure,’ I said, standing up to greet him.
‘Ahhhh, Katie, darling,’ he said, pulling me in for a hug.
‘Careful!’ I yelped. ‘My hair!’
‘Ahhhh, you are already talking like a celebrity, darling, “Oooh! My hair! My dress!” ’ he mocked me gently.
‘Oi!’ I jabbed him in the arm. ‘It’s taken hours to get me looking like a superstar, baby!’ I said, moving my head to one side and grinning wildly.
‘We only enhanced what God gave you, my darling,’ he said, winking.
‘I am so nervous!’ I said. ‘On a serious note …’
We sat down next to each other on my bed and enjoyed a moment of comfortable silence.
‘I’m just not so sure I’ll fit in, you know … all this glitz and glamour and impossibly skinny girls and, you know, the biscuit dodging. I don’t know if I can keep it all up, long term. You know?’ I look up at him for support.
‘Katie,’ he says, reassuringly, ‘I have been in this business many, many years, and it is so rare to come across such natural beauty, so raw, your skin, your hair, your body, so real, both inside and out. It is sad to see you go down the Botox route but I understand why you did so …’
‘You do?’ I feel a little humbled by Tom. His vibe is so caring and nurturing.
‘Of course! Girls like you, they arrive fresh-faced and innocent, and in the end, they become a product of Hanna’s circus of celebrated persons. I hate to see you go down that route,’ he takes my hand and places it on my heart.
‘See this?’
I nod.
‘Feel it.’ I nod again, as he closes his eyes and makes the sound of a heartbeat with his mouth, ‘Wawhoosh,’ he says, repeating it under his breath. I close my eyes too. Ooh, we’re really having what one would call a moment. If he wasn’t gay this could quite easily topple any Jack Hunter sex moment and even my passionate clinch with Bailey.
‘It’s your heart,’ he says, opening his eyes to meet my gaze. I am enthralled by his passion.
‘Listen to it, and always, always, be true to it,’ he removes my hand and kisses it gently.
‘I will,’ I promise him. ‘I promise.’
9pm
This is it, girls. This is it. Deep breath. Must not fuck up what is potentially the most important night in the entire history of my social calendar. There is a limo here, and a door is being opened. Mrs Bellamy is curtain twitching as predicted. Everyone else is walking ahead, they are walking with grace and they don’t appear to be in any danger of tripping over their own feet, a favourite of mine. Just ask Danielle. She has been embarrassed by me on a zillion different occasions when I have tripped over my own feet in public, often grappling with whoever happens to be near me to avoid collapsing in a heap. Collapsing is so much more endurable if done in twos. Perhaps don’t ask Danielle about that one.
I’m nestled in the car, my gown splayed out along the seat. The limo is so large there is enough room for my bottom and another bottom on either side of me. Hanna’s skinny rump parks itself in the corner and s
he gazes out at the bright lights of London town as we snake through Old Street towards Leicester Square. I am so nervous an entire swarm of butterflies are currently doing the rounds in my belly.
‘Stop here, thank you,’ Hanna barks at the driver.
‘What are you doing?’ I query. ‘We’ve only just left Shoreditch.’
She turns to face me as the car rolls to a stop.
‘What? Did you seriously think that you’d step out on to the red carpet arm-in-arm with Ziggy Wang?’
‘Um, well, I don’t know, it’s not like I do this often, is it?’ I mean, just what is the protocol for going to film premieres?
Bzzzzzzummm
The window rolled down seamlessly. Another car lay in wait opposite us, a mere three feet away.
‘Your car,’ Hanna said, pointing, ‘awaits you.’ She smiled swiftly before her chops turned back to their usual sour look.
‘Toodles!’ Frenella giggled and waved.
‘Good luck, Katie,’ Ziggy Wang said. ‘Your hair is so fabulous, keep it fabulous, no tweaking, darling. Here’s a compact to check with,’ and he slid a mirror into the palm of my hand.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, a worried look on my face. Why was I being separated? I already felt like peeing all over my seat with nerves, my stomach was in knots, the salmon and salad we had for lunch doing little somersaults, it was a precarious situation, and one that commanded a cigarette, but I wasn’t allowed to smoke until after the film which was, like, zonks away.
‘Be true,’ Tom gestured to his heart with his fisted hand.
I felt as though I was going to war. The door opened before I got the chance to do it myself.
I gasped as a man in a suit and a posh hat on his head beckoned me to follow. I looked back at Tom, whose chocolate eyes met my gaze. He mouthed ‘Your heart’ at me and thumped his chest. Oh gosh, this was all getting terribly emotional. Must not cry, I thought, as little tears pricked at my eyes. Posh driver quickly ushered me from one car to the other, opening the door and gently shoving me on to the leather seats. My old car geared up and sped off down the road.