I Don't Want to Lose You

  I nodded in agreement. “You have no idea how disappointed I was the next time that we had an assembly and you didn’t make your way next to me.”

  “Sorry. You’re the last person in the world I would have ever wanted to disappoint.”

  “You didn’t disappoint me, the seating arrangement did.” I gently kissed his cheek. “You’ve always made me happy, even now.”

  “So is that your answer to my ‘are you happy’ question?”

  “I guess it is. I mean, let’s be real. I’m not happy that you’re sick, but I’m happy that I have the chance to be with you finally. I’m not necessarily happy that I’m having a baby right now but, since I am, I’m happy that it’s yours. I’m not crazy about not knowing where in the world we’ll put a baby or how we’ll even take care of it, but I’m happy to know that no matter what, I’ll always have a piece of you with me. I’m not happy that I don’t get paid fifteen dollars an hour purely for being Monica Cabrera, but I’m happy that I have a cooperative employer who gives me some flexibility and pays me a couple of hundred a week for what I do.”

  “You deserve more than that having to deal with me,” he said.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “While that may be true, it’s not the reality and at the moment, I am happily content in the reality that is mine.”

  “Wow,” was all he said.

  “Wow what?”

  “You sound so politically correct. Maybe you should be the politician.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Dude, get real.”

  I stopped speaking because all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how much he meant to me. I decided to tell him instead of keeping it inside so that there was no doubt in his mind that I was happy.

  “Theo, I really do love you more than any words I can ever think of could say.”

  He gave me a gentle smile before kissing my nose. “Babe, I love you, too.” He kissed my hand. “I feel the exact same way. I’m glad that I will never have to know what it feels like to live without you. One of the things that made me know that I wanted to spend my life with you is that you always make me smile, even in little things. And right now, that’s what I need.”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Anything,” he said.

  “Since we’re kind of going down memory lane, can you tell me why you never liked Rosalind?”

  The look on his face was as if I had drained all of the life out of him. “I thought that we were having a moment. Why did you have to bring that thing up?”

  “Because I want to know what made her deserving of your hatred. Did she reject you at one time in the past or something?”

  His face contorted to a look of disgust as he loudly asked, “What? Have you lost your mind?” After I calmed down from my giggling, he continued. “Honestly, it’s that she was a whiner. She complained about everything and did nothing about it. She was always ready to point out a problem then sit back and let everyone else try to come up with a solution. It was unappealing and made her an irritant. Other people did their best to tolerate her, but I had no problem letting her know that I thought she was useless. She needed to take a lesson from you on how to be a woman of action.”

  I smiled back at him and squeezed his hand. Since I had him in honesty mode, I thought it would be a good time to ask another question I had wondered about. “You know how you used to say that you were going to come back for me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you mean it? Don’t make up stuff to try to not hurt my feelings. Be honest,” I said sincerely.

  “I did.”

  “What makes you think that you would have wanted me still?”

  “Why are you asking me this?”

  “Why can’t you answer me first?” I asked.

  “I don’t think that I could ever find someone like you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

  “Hmm. Okay, if you say so.”

  “I have said and it is so,” he said. “Now, why are you asking me this?”

  “After you said it the first time, I can admit now that I wanted you to mean it and do it. But there was this song that my dad used to love and listen to when I was a little girl that I heard on the radio over the summer. I was singing along with it and then stopped after a while because I realized it was how I felt about you and it scared me to think of how you would think of me in the future.”

  “What song is this? It sounds deep.”

  “You’ve never heard it, trust me. It’s called ‘I Don’t Want to Lose You’ by Phyllis Hyman.”

  “You’re right. I’ve never heard of the song or the singer. Sing it to me,” he said. I gave him a look to let him know I wasn’t really in the mood to sing. “You don’t have to get all into it, but sing it so that I know how it goes.”

  So I sang the song.

  “That’s a nice song” he said when I finished. “But I think the man inside of me would have still wanted you, but more.”

  I kissed his cheek and smiled. Whether it was true or not, it was what I needed to hear. I looked around to see that the sun was almost set. “How long have we been on this hammock? We better start walking back.”

  He got up and then helped me. I checked to make sure everything was locked at my parents’ house and we started off walking down the driveway hand and hand. Before we made it to the sidewalk I stopped.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  I looked up at him and asked, “Are you happy?”

  He smiled. “More than you’ll ever know.” He kissed my forehead. “After all, I got the girl.”

  I put my hand on my hip and my neck started rolling. “So all I am to you is a conquest?”

  He shook his head and grabbed my hand. “Come on, woman. Let’s get home.”

  A smirk crossed my face as I did what I was told.

  CHAPTER FORTY TWO

  I don’t know what my father had thought deep down about my marriage to Theo. I never asked my parents so that I didn’t have a reason to be in an argument with them over their opinion versus my reality. I don’t know if they thought that this was a case of young love that would soon go wrong or if they had thought that I married him out of pity. Something clicked with my parents somewhere along the way and their skepticism turned into acceptance.

  My parents’ had planned a family barbecue at a park with the intention of my whole family being able to meet Theo. My husband was nervous about going, which I could understand.

  “No one’s going to break my legs, are they?” he asked. I had told him of the different characters to expect to be there, from my gangster cousins to my uncle who was always high and yelling at people.

  “They won’t be caring about your legs. They might not even care that you’re there. Calm down,” I said. “Haven’t we had this type of discussion before?”

  He thought back to when we went to my parents’ house for dinner. “I know, but honestly, I’ve never been around this many Black people before at one time.”

  “I’m sure and you’ll be able to live to tell about it. Why don’t you put that on your list?”

  He shot me a nasty look as I chuckled.

  I had made a pound cake for dessert and there was so much to choose from to eat. About forty family members were able to attend. They were all cordial to him. He played a little bit of basketball with some of my cousins, mainly H-O-R-S-E to take it easy on him. Some of my relatives heard through the grapevine about his illness while others found out when they saw him. I had a couple of little cousins ask me where his hair was. I explained to them that he was sick and the medicine he was given to try to make him feel better made his hair fall out. Once they knew, they felt more comfortable around him and were willing to talk to him since he no longer seemed scary.

  I had quite a few come up to me telling me they would have liked to have been at my wedding but they forgave me anyway, like I cared. Only a couple had some comments to make about my going outside the race to marry. I told them if we had kids then they wo
uld be some cute, mixed babies.

  We sat down to eat on a blanket, which gave him a chance to get some rest.

  “How’s it going?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “I can’t believe that I’m having a good time.”

  “You just make sure you take it easy, but I’m glad.”

  Theo surprised me and I learned that he could dance if he wanted to. He wasn’t great like a back up dancer for an entertainer, but he had rhythm and could stay on beat. When everyone was getting their groove on, he danced with one of my aunts, my sister and me, of course. He even went down the Soul Train line decently. I was proud and a tad bit impressed.

  When I tired of dancing, I retired to the blanket and just sat there and watched everyone and their interaction with him. My cousin, Delron, came over and sat on the blanket with me. When we were younger he was like my older brother as he was just a few months older than I was.

  “How have you been doing, Mon?” Delron asked.

  I nodded. “I’ve been okay. I can’t complain.”

  “Good. Teodoro seems like a cool dude.”

  “He is or I wouldn’t have married him.”

  “Does he make you happy? I mean, is he treating you right?”

  I looked at him. “If he wasn’t in my life right now, I’m not sure I would know what it means to really be happy. You know what I mean? The thing that stinks is that all good things come to an end at some point.”

  “I told him that if I ever find out that he’s hurt you that I will hunt him down and make him bleed,” Delron stated.

  “Oh great,” I said sarcastically. “You just scared my husband with a heart condition into making sure he never does anything wrong.” I wondered where he was with this attitude when I was with Nathaniel.

  “That’s right! You’re my favorite cousin and it would be the least that I could do,” he said defensively.

  I chuckled. “I appreciate that, but it won’t be necessary. He’s too good to me and for me.”

  “Is he going to be okay?” he asked with sincerity.

  I shook my head. “No. We’re waiting for the results from the last tests he took to see if the radiation helped any. But it’s only a matter of time.”

  He put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Mon. If you ever need me for anything, let me know. You know I’m just a call away.”

  I nodded. “Thanks.”

  He got up as Theo approached and came to lay down on the blanket with me. He turned his cap from backwards to forwards and laid his head upon my thigh. I started to rub his face and he closed his eyes.

  “I remember the last time we were in a position like this almost a year ago,” I said.

  He thought about it and then smiled. “I do, too. I told you that you were going to be my wife and we were going to have two kids.”

  “You told me you could foresee into the future. Your timing was off.”

  “Eh,” he said waving it off, “that was a minor detail. I got the main one right at least. And now look. You’re having one of my two kids. I bet you didn’t believe me, huh?”

  I didn’t say anything. I think I had wanted to believe him when he made his prediction a year ago because of the conviction he had when saying it, but I had doubts.

  He sighed. “I could stay here like this forever.”

  I wished he could too.

  CHAPTER FORTY THREE

  I had just stopped at a sign while driving home from work and I was a few blocks away from home when I saw a man with a cane puking on the sidewalk with his back to the street.

  “That’s so gross,” I said aloud.

  As I drove closer and looked harder, I realized that was not any random man. It was my husband. I quickly pulled over and jumped out of the car.

  “Theo, are you okay?”

  “I had to get out of the house. She’s going to drive me crazy.”

  I got him into the passenger’s side of the car. I went into the glove compartment to grab napkins to wipe his around his mouth. I didn’t understand why he was vomiting and I hadn’t seen the cane before either and didn’t understand why he had it. “Theo, besides your mom, is everything okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m really tired today. I had to get out of the house, but I can’t drive so I started walking.”

  It took a moment to let that register because I was freaking out on the inside. “Why do you have the cane?”

  “This is just for support since I’m so tired. I’m fine.”

  “Then why were you throwing up?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to eat after taking one of the pills and that made my stomach upset.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly trying to take it all in and slow my heart rate down. “Why are you and your mother at it now?”

  “Because she knows.”

  A confused look crossed my face. “She knows what?”

  “About that,” he said pointing to the baby.

  Uh oh.

  My eyes widened. “How the heck did that happen?” I asked so loudly that I’m sure the people driving by could hear me.

  “I wasn’t in my room when it was time to take my medicine and so she went into my drawer and got it for me. I forgot that the ultrasound pictures were in there and she found them.”

  “Oh no. That was not how I wanted her to find out,” I said.

  “She said-” he started.

  I interrupted, “I don’t want to know what she said, but whatever it was, I am sure she was right.”

  “How can you say that?” He looked disappointed.

  “Look at our situation, Theo. It’s not exactly the typical one you would bring a child into. Our parents are going to have every right to be upset with us and question our level of intelligence in handling things. While we might be okay with it, we have to figure out how to make them not only accept it, but also be happy about it.”

  He marinated on what I said. “You’re absolutely right. So now what?”

  “So now we have to have a strategy meeting to figure out how we’re going to do this and tame this fire that has already been started.”

  He smiled. “Damage control. You’re such a politician’s wife. I’m so proud.”

  I crinkled my nose. “I guess so, huh? Let me go to my parents’ house and change into something more comfortable that can hopefully fit and then we can get something to eat.”

  I fixed him a sandwich to eat while I changed my clothes, which took some time since I had to find something. We then headed to Redondo Beach. I found a parking spot facing the ocean on a residential street. We sat there in the car and talked about the different reactions we could possibly get and how we would handle them. We discussed if there was any way to calm his mother down. After a couple of hours, we felt ready for battle.

  We went to my parents’ house first and found everyone in the family room watching television while eating dinner. My mother insisted that we eat since she didn’t want to have the food for leftovers a third day in a row. We ate at the kitchen table, nervous about the reaction that we were going to get. Then we headed into the family room and sat next to each other on the sofa with him holding my hand. I saw that my father had the remote control and, when a commercial came on, I asked him to put it on mute.

  “We have something that we need to talk to you about,” I started.

  My mom interrupted, “You’re pregnant.”

  I stopped and looked at her in amazement. “How did you know?”

  “I have been having my hunches since you haven’t been feeling well and you look as though you had put on a little weight,” she answered.

  Phaedra asked, “So how far along are you?”

  “Close to four months,” I answered.

  We all sat there in silence, once in a while looking at the television trying to follow along with the show that we were watching but was now on mute. After a couple of minutes I had to stop it since the silence was deafening.

  “So does anyone have anything to say?
Any questions?” I asked.

  No one said anything. Theo squeezed my hand.

  I sighed and started the spiel that we had discussed earlier. “We’re aware that this isn’t necessarily the best time to be in this situation because of what is going on with Theo, not to mention the financial aspect of it. The baby exists and we’re going to do our best to take care of it and raise it.”

  “Raise it where?” my mother asked.

  “We still have to figure that out along with other kinks that need to be acknowledged and addressed.” I took a hard swallow. “We would like for everyone to be happy about it despite the negative surrounding the situation. While we’re not naive to the fact that it’s going to be difficult and that it’s going to take more than love from us to make it work, we’re hoping we’ll be able to have your support.”

  “Our support how? Financially?” my mother asked.

  “That would be completely up to you as the grandparents. Right now, though, we’re just looking for support to not make this more stressful on us than need be and give guidance and suggestions when asked,” I answered.

  My dad nodded his head, smiled and winked his eye while my mother continued to look at us as though we were irresponsible idiots who were about to multiply and had pity on society.

  “Let me be clear. This was not planned or even desired at this time.” My mother was about to interrupt but I continued to speak, knowing what she was going to ask. “I was on the pill and I tried my best to keep up with it, but it became a little hard for me to remember to take it like I should have. By the time that I was able to get to the doctor to change my birth control it was already too late. Don’t think we weren’t trying to handle our business. It was me that messed up.”

  “Wait,” Theo stopped me. I thought it was because I deviated from the script. “You didn’t mess up and I don’t want you to view this child as a consequence of a mistake that you made. You’ve been so busy concentrating on me that it’s not hard for me to see how it could happen. While it’s unexpected, it’s not a mistake.” He raised the hand that he was holding and kissed it.