I Don't Want to Lose You

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

  People have always amazed me as to their reactions when you don’t perform up to their expectations. They want to tell you to jump but they get upset when you’re not jumping high enough. I’ve learned to stop trying to meet their expectations and live up to my own. My actions didn’t have to please everyone around me because, at the end of the day, I’m the one who had to live with myself and my decisions.

  The time from his death to the funeral went by so fast. My co-workers collected almost four hundred dollars to help with funeral expenses. His parents had a bit set aside, but not enough to cover everything. I donated what I had in savings, which was mostly what I had received as graduation gifts and the little bit left over that my father had given me. Our friends did a car wash, but that raked in about a little less than two hundred dollars. I took a loan out from my parents for the balance with repayment promised in small monthly increments until I could get it all taken care of, which would take me a couple of years with a baby on the way.

  I didn’t go to view his body at the mortuary. I had enough of seeing him lifeless and that wasn’t my husband that was in the casket. It was the shell he wore that was now made up by someone trying to make him look like he was sleeping instead of decaying. At the funeral, I refused to walk past his open casket. I just sat in my seat and waited for my family after paying their respects. I did go and watch him be buried. People wondered what was wrong with me as his widow because I hardly shed any tears throughout it all. My eyes were extremely red and puffy from all of the crying I had done up to that point and my eyes we literally in pain from it. In the words of Lisa Lisa, I was all cried out. I worked my brain into overdrive to block it all. I was barely able to listen to his obituary being read. I was hardly paying attention, feeling as if I were in a daze. I wasn’t there to play a role. I was trying to get myself through it.

  Everyone, except for my family that came to support me, went back to the Cabrera house after he was buried. Since the house wasn’t very large, it was a little crowded and stuffy. I wasn’t interested in the gathering and went to his room. I closed the door behind me and walked around the room just looking at things. I stopped at the pictures he had on the wall from before he was sick. I don’t know how long I was there staring at them when there was a knock at the door. I told the person to enter, thinking it would be his mother or Ralph, but it was Puppy. He closed the door behind him.

  “You all right, Mon?” he asked. “Everyone’s been worried about you.”

  Without warning, all of the strength I had to keep myself composed disappeared. I turned around and said, “I miss him, Puppy,” and began to sob.

  He came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and held me until I was done crying. I backed up from him when I was done and started wiping my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. Now your shirt is all wet.”

  “It’s okay. Come sit down on the bed.” He walked me over to it and sat down next to me. “I miss him, too. He was one of my best friends and I don’t think I’ve come to grips with the fact that he’s gone. But I know he loved you. I think you had him at hello.” We chuckled. “If I could ever be there for you, Monica, for anything, just let me know.”

  I smiled at him and he kissed me on the cheek and left me alone. I kept looking around the room and noticed a book on his desk that I never paid attention to. I picked it up and opened it and read the first page and realized it was his journal. I thought back and wondered if it had always been there while I was here, and it had. I never noticed it before. Then I remembered when he said that there wasn’t a point in writing something down if you didn’t intend to have someone read it at sometime. I decided to take it to read when I was ready. I saw the list on the other side of the desk. I reviewed it, seeing that one thing wasn’t checked: War and Peace. I grabbed a pen and checked it off and put it in the journal.

  I figured that this was as good of a time as any to take what I wanted. I went back to the pictures on the wall and took a couple that had the two of us. Most of the pictures had already been removed by Theo and put into the album that he wanted me and the baby to have. I got a couple with his friends and the ones from his photography class off of the wall, not to mention our wedding picture. I went into his closet and got his L.A. Kings cap and jersey and my favorite fedora that he would wear. I went to his nightstand and got out everything he wanted me to have that was in there, his letters and photo album, videos and all. I went into his top drawer and threw out the medicine and added the ultrasound picture to my pile and the one picture that I had demanded a little over a year ago of him sneaking his first kiss on my cheek. I went into his closet and got out his old backpack and put everything in there.

  I was sitting on the side of the bed that I slept on holding his pillow close, trying to see if I could smell him on it, when there was a knock at the door. I was sure this time it would be his mother or Ralph, but it was Manny.

  “I don’t want to be out there right now. Can I sit with you?” he asked. I nodded and he jumped on to the bed with me.

  “How are you doing, Manny?” I asked.

  He started to cry and answered, “I wish my brother was alive. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

  I put my arm around him while fighting my own tears. “I do, too. You know, he loved you a lot.”

  “I know,” he said. “I loved him, too.”

  I smiled. “What did you love about him?”

  He wiped his face with his little hands. “He would play with me. He would watch TV with me. He would let me sleep with him when I had a bad dream. He would read me bedtime stories. He would help me with my homework. He was a good brother.”

  “I think he was, too.”

  “What did you love about him?” he asked me.

  “I loved that he was very nice and sweet to me all of the time. He respected me. He was very, very smart and always tried to do his best. What I loved the most about him was that he was okay with me being myself. He didn’t try to make me do things I didn’t want to do or change me. He loved me for me.”

  He nodded. “I like your reasons.”

  “Thank you.”

  We sat there for a few moments in peace and then he asked, “Why wouldn’t you go look at him in the box? My mom is mad at you for not looking at him.”

  I paused for a moment debating whether or not I should tell him. “I’m going to tell you something that I have never told anyone else before.” He turned to give me rapt attention. “When I was a little girl about your age, I had two uncles that I loved to be around. They died at different times, but I saw what they had looked like in the box. Ever since then when I tried to remember them, all I see is them in their boxes. People have to remind me about my time with them because I can’t remember anymore. I only remember what they look like in the box. I love your brother too much to do that to him. When I think of him, I want to see him and hear him in my mind and heart like he’s right next to me. The last time I saw him, he was sleeping and I’d rather keep it that way.”

  He reached up to my face to wipe my cheeks with his chubby fingers. “I don’t want you to forget him either.” He paused and frowned. “Now that you won’t be here anymore, are you going to forget me?”

  “Never. I’ll still see you. You’re going to be an uncle in a few months.”

  He gave me a hug then got up and left. I went over to the television and grabbed my movies and put them in the backpack. I checked the couple of drawers that I had in his dresser to make sure I had everything that wasn’t already at my parents’ house. I picked up my suitcase and opened the door to see Ralph standing there. I burst into tears again and said with a pout, “I thought you forgot about me.”

  He smiled and hugged me before saying, “How in the world could I ever forget about you?” He took the luggage and the backpack from me and said, “I’ll take you home.”

  We walked out of the front door with everyone quietly watching as I was sniffling the whole way. I didn’t look back or look at them.
I only focused on the door and walking out of it with words of Robert Frost repeating themselves in my head: “But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”

  A few weeks later I stopped by the Cabrera house and knocked on the door. I knew both of Theo’s parents would be home. His father answered and invited me in. When Manny heard my voice, he ran in to give me a big hug. After exchanging pleasantries, I had to get to why I was there.

  “I stopped by for a couple of reasons. One, I forgot to give you your house key back.” I took it off of my key ring and handed it to Mrs. Cabrera. “Two, I want you to know that I appreciated your letting me be here when I was. I know the last time you saw me you might not have approved of my behavior. I’m not apologizing for being that way but I hope that I didn’t offend you and, if I did, I’m sorry for that. I hope that I can be welcomed here in the future because I want you to be in your grandchild’s life and want the child to know it’s father through you.”

  “You’ll always be welcomed,” Mr. Cabrera said. “You’ve become like a daughter to us.”

  “Thank you,” I said as I smiled, hardly believing that sentiment was shared by his wife.

  “So how are you doing? How are you feeling?” Mr. Cabrera asked. “We have to ask now since we don’t see you as often.”

  “I’m working full time now at my job and getting things ready for the baby. My morning sickness seems to have subsided for now. The baby is doing well. I just had a check up and everything looks good. I got a crib from a relative and the word has gone out to save baby clothes and toys for me.”

  “I will put the word out, too, with my family and friends,” Mrs. Cabrera said. “We were so unprepared when I had Teodoro.” She went on to tell me about her delivery of him and that he was born premature.

  I smiled and told them that I needed to go. I gave them all hugs and received belly rubs. I told them that I would keep in touch.

  CHAPTER FOURTY NINE

  One day I had asked my father to pull out my memory box from the attic so that I could put the videos and letters in there. I didn’t want to lose them and wanted them to be in a safe place. It took me a couple of weeks to actually open the box. While it was just a box of lifeless items, they had meaning to me and represented the first part of my life.

  The first thing I got out of the box was the medal Theo had given me to wear for our graduation. I smiled thinking back to how I thought that was the last time that I would see him for a few years. I was glad that I was wrong. I pulled out my yearbook and went straight to the pages that had Theo’s pictures. He looked so handsome in his senior picture and cute and cool in the candid shots. I hadn’t read what he signed to me in the yearbook since I had put it in the attic with everything else after graduation. I went through the pages until I located his barely legible handwriting. He wrote:

  Monica,

  I love you. You love me. We will have a big family. You can’t live without me. We have been friends ever since junior high and we will always continue to be friends until the day we die. You’re a good, kind woman, blunt at times, but still you’re great. Kill! Kill Rosalind. I hate her so much, but I love you. I would like to wish you all the luck in the world because you will be successful at whatever you’ll do. Smooch smooch. I love you.

  Your friend,

  Teodoro Cabrera

  Governor of California

  I got glassy-eyed and then chuckled. While he was partly right, he was slightly off in his future prediction. He had loved me. I loved him. But we would only have a small family. He was right on target about a couple of things. I couldn’t live without him, but I was going to try. And we were friends until the day he died.

  It took me a while to start reading his journal, but I did and aloud for the baby to hear. Some days I read for forever and others only a paragraph or two. I learned a lot about him and how his brain worked, similar to how he had learned more about me when he read my diary. I learned that there were other girls he had crushes on, but I would always say or do something that brought him right back to me. Some parts made me cry, most of it made me smile, but all of it made me miss him even more.

  Ralph went with me to my breastfeeding class and left disappointed because he thought he was going to see real, live breasts in front of him, not just on the three minute video that was shown as a demonstration. We both learned how to swaddle a baby, change a diaper and properly hold a baby while feeding it. He offered to be my Lamaze coach and went to the classes with me. He was grossed out to see the movies and promised me that he wouldn’t look beyond my waist in the delivery room to see what was happening.

  On October 2nd, days after Theo’s birth date, I was in the delivery room with Ralph, my mom and Mrs. Cabrera. Ralph kept his promise by staying above the waist and not looking down there. After eighteen hours in labor, I gave birth to Teodoro William Cabrera, II. I had already been calling him William. I didn’t like Junior and never had. My saying the name Teodoro always signified to his father that I was upset and I didn’t want to think about that every time I said his name. And he was not my Theo, but he was his son. Besides, “the second” sounded much better than “junior” for a politician’s son. I let Ralph cut the cord.

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  To say being a young, single mother was a struggle would be an understatement. The only good thing about it was that I would be done raising him before I turned forty. I eventually went back to college and that was a long and arduous task if I ever had one. I worked full time and took one or two classes a semester. I moved out of my parents’ house into my own apartment when I was twenty four, which devastated my father. William was his buddy to do things with that none of the females in the house were interested in, like going to a game or watching one on television or going fishing. My dad even taught him how to play tennis and he was good at it for a little kid. It wasn’t until William was in second grade that I had finally graduated. It was also when I finally let myself love again.

  I had dated a few men here and there but none of them were able to meet the standards that I had that were non-negotiable. At the time I was the executive assistant to the Vice President of the software company that I was working for. It wasn’t what I really wanted to do but the pay was well, the benefits were great and there was room for me to eventually do something else in the company if I wanted to. I had the pleasure of escorting a young gentleman to the Vice President’s office. He’d been there before but we never really had done more than small talk in the past. Brandon Leighton. He looked like the typical boy next door that could be found in any White, suburban town in the country. He was tall, average built with wavy black hair and brown eyes.

  After about fifteen minutes, he came out of the office and walked over to my desk.

  “So, Monica, what would you like for lunch today?” he asked.

  I stopped typing to look at him. “Excuse me?”

  “Lunch. I’d like to take you to lunch if you don’t already have plans.”

  It took me a second to comprehend what he was asking since it didn’t happen often to me due to the baggage I came with. “I had brought a bowl of soup and some crackers. That’s my plan for lunch.”

  “When is your lunch?”

  I looked at the time on my computer screen. “In about ten minutes.”

  “How about you meet me in the lobby downstairs and we’ll go somewhere around here where you can have more than soup and crackers?”

  Free food. I was in. “Okay, I’ll see you then, but I won’t have long. I only have a forty five minute lunch.” I said calmly although my heart was jumping.

  He flashed a smile and that was the first time that I noticed that he had dimples. “Don’t worry. I already cleared it with my uncle and now you have an hour. I’ll see you downstairs.”

  Twelve minutes later I was walking up to him and told him that I was ready. He suggested a restaurant that we could walk to in less than five minutes. After we were seated and I had a c
hance to look over the menu, I warned, “Despite what I was going to have for lunch, you should know that I’m not a salad and water type of woman, so I hope you have enough money for this.”

  He chuckled. “I think I’ll be alright. Thanks for the warning.”

  We had such a nice conversation that we didn’t spend much time eating before it was time for me to get back to work. I had felt so comfortable talking to him and he wasn’t at all what I had expected. I thought he might have had some stuck up tendencies, but the truth was that he was a White man with an identity crisis and he had yet to be informed that he wasn’t Black. He set aside his business persona and was chilled and laid back. When I referred to certain people or shows or songs, he knew who and what they were and could have a conversation with me about them. It was refreshing to have an adult conversation with someone that I wasn’t related to that could keep up with what I was saying without me having to educate them… and was White at that. We had made plans to have dinner a couple of days later.

  Brandon was very patient with me and realized that I was still a little fragile even after all the time that had passed. The further we got into the relationship, the more I felt like I was betraying Theo. It took some time for me to deal with the fact that he was always going to be in my mind and heart and could never and would never be replaced. He was my first love, my first husband and my son’s father. Death had parted us and I wasn’t bound to him anymore. I had to remember the things he told me he expected of me if I considered remarrying. Brandon and William got along quite well and I was the one who was holding us back. Almost two years after our first date, we were married in a small ceremony that my family was able to attend.

  EPILOGUE

  Back to Present

  June 2010

  I hear the name Manuel Cabrera and jump up with everyone else who is around me screaming and making noise for the graduate. Had I not recognized the name, I would have continued sitting there being lost in the treasured moments that will always remain buried in my heart, but not so deep that I can’t dig them up instantaneously.