by James R Benn
“Yes. I was with Lord Gort’s headquarters, as I said. We were in Belgium. It was May, and I remember there were flowers blooming everywhere. Warm days and sunshine greeted us. We had our communications all set up; everything was working perfectly. The Germans hadn’t attacked yet. They were to our front, the Belgians on our left, and the French to our right.”
“And then?”
“Then the Germans were everywhere. They hit us from the front and cut right through the French lines south of us. Panzers and Stukas, that’s all anyone talked about. We had to fall back, and at first it seemed just like a setback, that we’d take up new positions and stop them. But nothing stopped them. Telephone lines were all cut, we pulled out, and found ourselves on a road full of refugees. The Stukas came, making that awful screaming sound, almost worse than the bombs.”
She was wringing her hands, staring off into space, listening for the sound of dive-bombers. I had heard them, too. In newsreels. The Stuka dive-bomber had sirens built into their wings, so when they dove on a target it made a god-awful screaming noise. Maybe I had seen her in one of those newsreels, a haunted face in a truckload of FANYs, while I waited for the first reel of Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator.
“Pull back, pull back, that’s all we ever heard. The Germans started out in front of us, and then we couldn’t withdraw fast enough to keep them out of our rear areas. Headquarters actually was in the front lines, since we were nearly surrounded.” She laughed bitterly.
“But you got out OK? From Dunkirk?” I wanted this story to end well, but I knew there was something else, something that had happened to her there.
“Yes, I got out. On a destroyer. We had been pressed into service as nurses, since we all had some basic first-aid training. There were a lot of wounded. Quite a lot. We took doors from houses when we ran out of stretchers.”
Diana wasn’t talking to me anymore. Her voice was low as her eyes stared straight ahead and saw the ghosts of Dunkirk, long lines of men standing in the sand awaiting deliverance or death. Her cheeks were streaked with tears as she told of the wounded men being loaded onto the destroyer, and tending to them on decks slippery with blood.
“It was terrible, not while I was actually doing something, but as soon as I stopped moving for a minute, it would just all be too much. When we left the pier it was crowded with men, some yelling and screaming, but most silently waiting their turn. I thought I had seen the worst of it at that moment, sailing away aboard that destroyer, watching those faces on the shore disappear as we headed into the Channel.”
She shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes as she did so. I took her hand in mine, gently, to let her know I’d wait. I could hear the alarm clock on the nightstand ticking. Her hand slipped from mine as she spoke again.
“We heard aircraft, high above us, and we thought they were ours, since they didn’t attack. But they must have been German fighters, flying cover. Some of them dove down and strafed the smaller boats. I was standing at the rail on the stern deck, checking my life vest, when I heard them. Stukas.” She spat out the word, and pressed her hands to her ears.
“Everything was so loud,” she said, her eyes squeezed shut and her head bowed, as if she were taking cover. “The Stukas and those sirens, the guns on the destroyer firing up at them, some of the men screaming, everything happening while the ship was zigzagging at top speed. We had to hang on to the men on stretchers so they wouldn’t slide off the deck. There were men everywhere-below decks, on every surface above deck. Everyone wanted to get out. Isn’t that funny? They were the lucky ones!”
“You don’t have to-”
“The first group missed us. I could see their bombs as they let them go. Each one would dive, drop its bomb, and then zoom up, as if it was suddenly lighter than air. It was almost beautiful. I followed each bomb down, and each one missed, either to the side or behind us. We were drenched by the splashes, but it seemed we were charmed. Five planes, five misses.”
Diana looked up, as if those bombs were still falling above her. I wasn’t even there.
“But then five more came, right after those. The gunners were still firing at the last of them when the second wave came. The first bomb hit just forward of the bow, but it must have damaged the ship. We were all thrown forward, and it started to slow. The second hit square on the forward deck. There was a huge explosion, and I was thrown backward by the force of it. Black smoke was everywhere. I couldn’t see a thing. I could feel the heat, though, coming up from the bow. We were practically dead in the water, just our forward motion keeping us going. Then the ship started to list.”
“You went into the water?”
She looked at me as panic crept into her eyes. Her voice was shrill and I had to put my finger to my lips to get her to lower it, so her old man wouldn’t wake up and lower the boom.
“You know, even if there had been enough life vests, we couldn’t have put them on some of them wounded. They couldn’t have endured it. But there weren’t enough, not nearly.”
“No, there must’ve been hundreds of wounded. How could there have been enough?”
“Yes, yes, there couldn’t have been,” she said loudly, as if trying to convince herself. I put my finger to my lips again and listened for footsteps in the hallway.
“It wasn’t our fault,” she said in a lower voice. “But I didn’t know what to do!”
I almost wished for Sir Richard to break down the door.
“There was nowhere to move them. The fire was coming toward us, and the ship was keeling over. I tried dragging one stretcher out of the fire, but we all slid toward the rail when the ship went over-”
“Oh no,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying. “Oh, no.”
“I wanted the ship to sink faster, to put out the fires, but it was so slow. So slow. The men on stretchers couldn’t move. Smoke rolled over them, enveloping them. Then they all went into the water, toppling over one another. It was so cold. I managed to swim away from the ship before she sank. But the wounded… they couldn’t.”
“You did your best,” I whispered. “You did everything you could; it wasn’t your fault.”
She leaned forward and thrust her face against my chest, sobbing from someplace deep inside, choking on her tears as she tried to suppress them. She needed a deep, angry screaming, crying jag, but all she could do was smother her tears on my chest. It lasted a long time, until she was whimpering, worn out by her agony. Then she was quiet. I looked at her, trying to imagine her slipping off that deck into the channel waters, the dead and dying all around her.
I held her. Finally, her breathing became regular. She had fallen asleep, like a baby. I lay awake, like any guy would whose arm was dead because a beautiful woman was lying on it. Very uncomfortable, glad, and confused. I struggled up off the sofa, picking her up, and carried her to the bed. She was half asleep when I pulled the covers over her. I headed back to the couch, ever the gentleman. Besides, I didn’t want another rap in the chest.
“Billy?”
“Yes?”
“Come hold me. Please.”
Her tears came again, softer this time. I held her until she fell asleep again and wondered at the way my life had changed in a day.
“I’ve got to leave, Billy.”
Her whisper, the warmth of her breath in my ear, woke me. My arm was still around her and the first rays of dawn were filtering through the curtains. I smiled, inside and out.
“Father will be up soon. I must get changed and feed the horses,” she said as she untangled herself from the sheets and me and got up.
“Can I help you?”
“You already have. Thank you, Billy. Thank you for listening.”
I shrugged. “Not a problem.”
“Well, I do appreciate it. Especially since you were a gentleman. I’m sorry if it was frustrating.” She smiled and I blushed, as I thought of her waking up snuggled next to me, with me in that… condition.
“I’ll take care of the horses,” Diana
said, laughing, “and you take a cold shower. I’ll see you at breakfast.” She blew me a kiss, opened the door, and slipped out quietly.
I was a little embarrassed, but I figured, what the hell. It didn’t seem to bother Diana, so I wouldn’t let it bother me. I got up and stumbled sleepily into the bathroom, thinking about cold showers-they weren’t big on showers in England-she must’ve heard that expression in an American movie. I glanced at the tub in the bathroom and thought about how English guys must have to soak in a cold tub. Ha! That’d sure cure ’em.
I stopped in my tracks. Wait a minute. A cold shower… a cold tub… I reached down and turned on the faucet. Cold water poured from the tap. In a minute it was even colder, coming up from deep underground. Why does a love-crazed guy take a cold shower? What does cold water do? Lessen the flow of blood? Slow things down? Yeah.
Bingo. That was it. It answered everything. Well, everything except the maps, and a little thing called motive. And who. So maybe not everything, but now I knew how and when. The rest would come soon enough. Ideas were buzzing through my head as I washed, packed my kit, and thought about how smart the killer had been, and how maybe that was a clue. I was knotting my field scarf when there was a knock at the door. I sprinted over, hoping it was Diana. I opened the door and saw the captain. He must’ve read my face.
“Sorry to disappoint you, Lieutenant. May I come in?”
“Sure… of course.” I moved back into the room. He shut the door behind him. Not the best sign.
“I’ll come straight to the point, Lieutenant. I don’t wish to be rude, and I’m sure you’re a decent young man…” He sort of trailed off, looking around the room as if he had forgotten something, then back at me. He didn’t sound like a strict father who knew his daughter had spent the night with me.
“What do you mean, captain?”
“I mean that you should stay away from Diana.” The words came out in a rush, and he took a deep breath. I couldn’t figure out why he was saying this. I struggled to find words to make some sense out of it.
“But… what about Daphne and Kaz?”
“It has nothing to do with them. Neither of them will be dealing with the enemy.”
“Captain, I don’t know if I’ll ever be anything but a staff officer-”
“That does not matter to me,” he said, “if I may be blunt. There is nothing else to say. I’m sure you are a fine officer. Daphne speaks well of you in any case. But I stand by what I say. Diana is very.. ..”
“Impetuous?” I remembered how Daphne had introduced her.
“Impetuous, yes,” he nodded, “and quick to form opinions, sometimes to her own detriment. I know her quite well, and I can tell she sees something in you. I understand she was plying Daphne with questions about you, which is unusual. She thinks most young men are pompous fools, and is not shy about telling them. For you, she shows off her horsemanship. Quite a compliment, actually.”
He stood as if he were still on the bridge commanding his crew. “For now, do not attempt to see my daughter again.” There was sadness in his eyes that didn’t match the sternness of his words. “Breakfast is ready. We will not speak of this again, Lieutenant.” He turned and left.
I finished dressing, stunned by his ultimatum and what it meant. Of course I wanted to see Diana again, as soon as I could get some leave. Why was he against me? I went down to breakfast, and he greeted me like an old chum. More small talk, mostly the weather this time. It was going to be a nice day.
After breakfast, we all stood around outside with our bags stacked near the driveway, saying some awkward good-byes. Diana and Daphne hugged like there was no tomorrow, until Daphne pulled away and ran to the barn to get the Imp. Kaz put his bag in the staff car and left the captain, Diana, and me alone. Great.
“Good luck, Lieutenant,” said Sir Richard formally as he extended his hand. I didn’t have any problem taking it in my left hand and shaking it this time. I wanted to show him I didn’t give up easily.
“Thank you, sir. Thanks for your hospitality. Diana, perhaps you’ll teach me how to ride someday?”
She smiled and was about to speak when her father broke in. “Diana will be back on active service very soon. She’ll not have time for riding lessons, and neither should you, young man, if General Eisenhower is keeping you sufficiently occupied!”
“Father!”
At that moment, Kaz started up the staff car and backed up as Daphne drove up in the Imp.
“I’ll see you in a few days, darling!” she yelled as he waved and drove off. The captain took advantage of the interruption and busied himself with stowing our bags. As he did, Diana gave my hand a gentle, surreptitious squeeze. Before I could say a thing, she let go, kissed Daphne on the cheek, and ran toward the barn. I saw her run the back of her hand across her eyes as she went.
The captain and Daphne fussed over each other for a bit. I had already said thank you, and since even that hadn’t turned out well, I decided to sit in the passenger’s seat and keep quiet. Eventually we drove off down the long driveway, away from the captain, who waved, alone.
“What’s the matter with your old man?” I asked Daphne. “Does he hate all Americans or just me?” She didn’t answer. I looked over at her. She had a grim look on her face, and tears streaked across her cheeks, blown by the wind.
“Why the hell is everyone crying?”
Again, silence. It wasn’t until we pulled out onto the main road that she spoke.
“I’m not supposed to say anything. I’m not really even supposed to know.”
“Know what?” This family sure had its secrets.
“Diana volunteered for the Special Operations Executive. She just finished her training. That’s why she was home. She’s going off on a mission.”
“SOE? She’s a spy?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “When is she leaving?”
“Next Sunday at the latest. Maybe sooner.”
“Where?” Silence again.
“Across the channel. Exactly where doesn’t really matter, does it?”
Neither of us spoke for a long time.
Now I understood why she had been so desperate to talk with a stranger rather than lie awake in her room, alone with her thoughts and fears.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Daphne drove single-mindedly, focusing on the road and putting the Riley Imp through its paces. There was no chatting. She took corners like a pro and wasn’t afraid to open up on a long, straight stretch of road. If I hadn’t known she was thinking about Diana and worrying, I would have believed she was enjoying herself. I watched her gloved hands flex, fingers opening, then gripping the leather-bound steering wheel, over and over again. The desperation inside her had to come out somewhere.
We drove through farmland and small villages, mostly green wooded land and cultivated fields separated by hedges and stone walls. The land dipped down to the sea the closer we came to the base at Southwold. I was looking at the scenery but seeing Diana. I had never met anybody like her, and no woman had ever made me feel this way, like all the air had gone out of a room when she left it. It seemed that everything else had been just going through the motions before I met her, as if my life had been empty without my realizing it. I felt strange, like I had left some part of me behind.
Damn! Why did she have to get all gung ho and volunteer to be an SOE agent? Would I ever see her again? At least the captain made sense to me now. He knew Diana was about to leave on a mission and didn’t want her mooning over some Yank. He was trying to help her keep focused. Focused on staying alive. He didn’t know how badly she needed a shoulder to cry on, how desperate she’d been for distraction from her spiraling fear-and shame. All that “one must do one’s duty” stuff had worn too thin after what she’d been through. I hoped I was more to her than just a handy shoulder. I kinda thought I was, but then how would I ever find out with her off sneaking around behind enemy lines? Not too much I could do about that right now.
Daphne downshifted as she
took a sharp turn, then punched the accelerator hard enough to snap my neck back. At least she had a machine to take out her frustrations on.
I thought about cold water and its effect on the human body. How did that fit together with maps, spies, suspects, and suspicious British majors? It was all still a jumble, but a few things were beginning to stand out. Unfortunately, other things still lurked-vague images that failed to clarify into answers, or even connections. I looked at my watch.
“Almost there, Billy.” Daphne gave me a weak smile and then downshifted again, passing a farmer on his cart, causing the Imp to growl in low gear as we sped by the country perfume of manure ready to be spread.
“How’re you doing? You OK?”
“Better, yes, thank you. Nothing like a morning drive in the Imp to cheer one up!” she said with a false bravado that was almost convincing. “Look there, Billy, that must be the way to the base.”
Up ahead a column of U.S. Army deuce-and-a-half trucks was turning off the main road. We followed slowly, and as the distraction of fast driving faded, I could see the traces of worry working away at her face, bringing the corners of her mouth down.
“I’m sure she’ll be all right,” I said, trying to reassure both of us. “Diana seems like a tough cookie.”
“That must mean she knows how to take care of herself, which she does indeed. It’s the emotional price she has to pay that worries me. She made it back from France in one piece, but it wasn’t easy for her afterward. She saw so many terrible things.”
“Why do you think she volunteered? And please don’t give me any of that ‘doing one’s duty’ stuff. Why her?”
Daphne took a deep breath and exhaled. “I asked her exactly that. She said she owed it to those men who died when the destroyer sank. She wouldn’t say any more.”
“Think she feels guilty that she lived through it?”
“How would joining SOE help?”
I shrugged, as if it were too much for me to figure out. But I knew. I knew Diana was going to tempt death again. To see if she deserved to live. To see if those men slipping beneath the cold Channel waves would finally stop calling out to her.