by Terry Jones
Once inside, he locks the door … but he can hear the boney steps coming nearer and nearer. Then he sees that horrible grinning skull’s face, leering in at the window.
Bill wasn’t a man to give up, like, so he thinks to himself: ‘They’re just a lot of old bones – all of them – they must be scared of something.’ Then he gets an idea.
‘I know what’ll see old bones off!’ he cries, and he drops down on all fours and starts barking like a dog. Well, the skull’s face sort of frowns. Old Bill flings the door open and leaps out – barking like mad. And do you know? That horrible creature just turns and runs. Whereupon old Bill takes his chance, and leaps over the side. Immediately he feels the waves picking him up and flinging him across the water again …
Well, I don’t know what happened next, and I don’t think old Bill knew, but he finally found himself back on his own boat, with his shipmates all standing around him and pointing. And Bill looked out into the night and he saw that Ship of Bones going off as fast as it could – to wherever it came from. Not long after that, the storm died down, and they came out into calmer waters, and old Bill Stoker told his story to his shipmates, and they all listened with bated breath. But do you know? Not one of them believed it. But that didn’t worry old Bill Stoker. And that evening he sat right down and – can you guess what he did? He ate his hat!
SIMPLE PETER’S MIRROR
SIMPLE PETER WAS WALKING TO WORK in the fields one morning when he met an old woman sitting beside the road.
‘Good morning, old woman,’ he said, ‘why do you look so sad?’
‘I have lost my ring,’ said the old woman, ‘and it is the only one like it in the whole world.’
‘I will help you find it,’ said Simple Peter, and he got down on his hands and knees to look for the old woman’s ring.
Well, he hunted for a long time, until at last he found the ring under a leaf.
‘Thank you,’ said the old woman. ‘That ring is more precious than you realize,’ and she slipped it onto her finger. Then she took a mirror out of her apron and gave it to Peter, saying: ‘Take this as a reward.’
Now Simple Peter had never seen a mirror before and so, when he looked down and saw the reflection of the sky in his hands, he said: ‘Have you given me the sky?’
‘No,’ said the old woman, and explained what it was.
‘What do I want with a mirror?’ asked Peter.
‘That is no ordinary mirror,’ replied the old woman. ‘It is a magic mirror. Anyone who looks into it will see themselves not as they are, but as other people see them. And that’s a great gift, you know, to see ourselves as others see us.’
Simple Peter held the mirror up to his face and peered into it. First he turned one way, then he turned the other. He held the mirror sideways and longways and upside down, and finally he shook his head and said: ‘Well, it may be a magic mirror, but it’s no good to me, I can’t see myself in it at all.’
The old woman smiled and said: ‘The mirror will never lie to you. It will show you a true reflection of yourself as other people see you.’ And with that she touched her ring, and the oak tree that was standing behind her bent down and picked her up in its branches, and carried her away.
Well, Simple Peter stood there gaping for a long while, and then he looked in the mirror again, and still he could not see himself, even when he put his nose right up against it.
Just then a farmer came riding past on his way to market. ‘Excuse me,’ said Simple Peter, ‘but have you seen my reflection? I can’t find it in this mirror.’
‘Oh,’ said the farmer, ‘I saw it half an hour ago, running down the road.’
‘Thank you,’ said Peter, ‘I’ll see if I can catch it,’ and he ran off down the road.
The farmer laughed and said to himself: ‘That Simple Peter is a proper goose!’ and he went on his way.
Simple Peter ran on and on until he came to the blacksmith.
‘Where are you running so fast, Peter?’ called the blacksmith.
‘I’m trying to catch my reflection,’ replied Peter. ‘John the farmer said it ran this way. Did you see it?’
The blacksmith, who was a kindly man, shook his head and said: John the farmer has been telling you stories. Your reflection can’t run away from you. Look in the mirror, and you’ll see it there all right.’
So Peter looked in the magic mirror, and do you know what he saw? He saw a goose, with a yellow beak and black eyes, staring straight back at him.
‘There, do you see your reflection?’ asked the blacksmith.
‘I only see a goose,’ said Peter, ‘but I’m not a goose. I’ll show you all! I’ll seek my fortune, and then you’ll see me as I really am!’
So Peter set off to seek his fortune.
Before long, he came to a wild place in the mountains, where he met a woodcutter and his family with all their belongings on their backs.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked them.
‘We’re leaving this country,’ said the woodcutter, ‘because there is a dragon here. It is fifty times as big as a man and could eat you up in one mouthful. Now it has carried off the king’s daughter and is going to eat her for supper tonight.’ And with that they hurried on their way.
Peter went on, and the mountains grew steeper and the way became harder. All at once he heard a sound like a grindstone. He looked round a rock and there he saw the dragon. Sure enough, it was fifty times as big as himself and it was spinning a stone round in its front claws to sharpen its teeth.
‘Oh ho! Are you the dragon?’ asked Peter. The dragon stopped sharpening its teeth and glared with great fierce eyes at Peter.
‘I am!’ said the dragon.
‘Then I shall have to kill you,’ said Peter.
‘Indeed? said the dragon, and the spines on its back started to bristle, and tongues of flame began to leap out of its nostrils. ‘And how are you going to kill me?
And Peter said: ‘Oh, I’m not, but behind this rock I have the most terrible creature, that is fifty times as big as you, and could eat you up in one mouthful!’
‘Impossible!’ roared the dragon, and leapt behind the rock. Now Peter, who was not so simple after all, had hidden the magic mirror there, and so when the dragon came leaping round the rock it ran slap bang into it, and there, for the first time, it saw itself as it appeared to others – fifty times as big and able to eat itself up in one mouthful! And then and there that dragon turned on its tail and ran off over the mountains as fast as it could, and was never seen again.
Then Peter went into the dragon’s cave, and found the king’s daughter, and carried her back to the palace. And the king gave him jewels and fine clothes and all the people cheered him to the skies. And when Peter looked in the magic mirror now, do you know what he saw? He saw himself as a brave, fierce lion, which was how everyone else saw him. But he said to himself: ‘I’m not a lion! I’m Peter.’
Just then the princess came by and Peter showed her the mirror and asked her what she saw there.
‘I see the most beautiful girl in the world,’ said the princess. ‘But I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world.’
‘But that’s how you appear to me,’ said Peter, and he told the princess the whole story about how he had come by the mirror, and how he had tricked the dragon.
‘So you see, I’m not really a goose, and I’m not really as brave as a lion. I’m just Simple Peter.’
When the princess heard his story, she began to like him for his straightforwardness and honesty. Pretty soon she grew to love him, and the king agreed that they should be married, even though Peter was just a poor ploughman’s son.
‘But, my dear!’ said the queen. ‘People will make fun of us because he is not a real prince.’
‘Fiddlesticks!’ replied the king. ‘We’ll make him into the finest prince you ever did see!’ But the old queen was right…
On the day of the wedding, Peter was dressed up in the finest clothes, trimmed with gold and fur.
But when he looked in the magic mirror, do you know what he saw? Instead of a rich and magnificent prince, he saw himself in his own rags – Simple Peter. But it didn’t worry him. He smiled and said to himself: ‘At last! Everyone sees me as I really am!’
BRAVE MOLLY
A LITTLE GIRL WAS ONCE CAUGHT IN A THUNDERSTORM. The day grew dark, and the wind started to blow, and suddenly a fork of lightning streaked across the sky and a great clap of thunder rolled all around her. Poor Molly trembled with fright, and she wished she were back at home with her mother. Then it started to rain. Such a cloudburst it was! The heavens just opened up and down came the rain in great big drops the size of your fist.
In the distance, Molly could see a little hut, so she ran up to it and, finding the door open, she slipped into the gloomy inside. No sooner had she shut the door than a deep growling voice said: ‘Grrrrr! Who are you?’
Molly looked around her, but the inside of the hut was quite dark, and she couldn’t see anyone.
‘P-p-p-please … my name’s M-M-M-Molly,’ she said. ‘Who are you?’
‘Grrrrr! I’m a Terrible Monster – that’s who!’ said the voice.
Just then a bolt of lightning lit up the inside of the hut for a fraction of a second and, in that moment, Molly saw a huge black shape crouching against the far end of the hut. ‘Ohhhhh!’ she cried.
‘What’s the matter?’ growled the Terrible Monster. ‘Frightened, are you?’
‘Indeed I am,’ said Molly. ‘You’re as black as coal, as big as a house and covered in hair.’
‘And I’ve got a terrible roar,’ said the Monster. ‘AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!’
Poor Molly fell over backwards in her fright. And the thunder crashed over their heads, and another flash of lightning lit up the Monster, and Molly could see that he had great black claws and glowing eyes and huge yellow teeth.
‘Pretty frightening, huh?’ bellowed the Monster.
‘Oh y-y-y-yes!’ cried Molly.
‘And I’m as strong as two hundred oxen!’ he cried and, as the lightning flashed, Molly saw the Monster rear up on his legs and throw the roof of the hut high into the air.
‘Oh … please don’t!’ cried Molly, as the rain started to pour down on her and the thunder crashed.
‘And I eat little girls for my supper!’ roared the Monster. And he bent down and put one glowing eye right up against poor Molly, and said: ‘How about that?’
‘Well,’ Molly thought to herself, ‘it’s no use being frightened. If he’s going to eat me – he’s going to eat me.’ So she picked up her satchel and hit that Monster right on the nose. And do you know what happened? Well, the Monster didn’t pick her up in his huge claws, and he didn’t gobble her up with his great yellow teeth. Do you know what he did? First he turned green, then he turned black and then he turned bright pink, and a bunch of flowers grew out of the top of his head.
‘Why! You’re not a frightening monster at all!’ cried Molly.
‘Aren’t I?’ said the Monster.
‘No!’ said Molly, and a beautiful ribbon tied in a bow suddenly appeared right round the Monster’s middle. And Molly took hold of the ribbon and pulled it and the Monster opened up and inside was a little rabbit who looked very frightened and said: ‘Oh please! Don’t put me in a pie!’
And Brave Molly said: ‘I won’t put you in a pie this time, but don’t go around trying to frighten little children in future.’
‘No … I promise,’ said the rabbit, and scuttled off out of the hut.
And just then the sky cleared and the sun came out, and Brave Molly set off home again, and she didn’t meet another monster all the rest of the way.
THE SEA TIGER
THERE WAS ONCE A TIGER who told the most enormous lies. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t tell the truth.
Once the monkey asked the tiger where he was going. The tiger replied that he was on his way to the moon, where he kept a store of tiger-cheese which made his eyes brighter than the sun so that he could see in the dark. But in fact he was going behind a bush for a snooze.
Another time, the snake asked the tiger round for lunch, but the tiger said that he couldn’t come because a man had heard him singing in the jungle, and had asked him to go to the big city that very afternoon to sing in the opera.
‘Oh!’ said the snake. ‘Before you go, won’t you sing something for me?’
‘Ah no,’ said the tiger. ‘If I sing before I’ve had my breakfast, my tail swells up and turns into a sausage, and I get followed around by sausage-flies all day.’
One day, all the animals in the jungle held a meeting, and decided they’d cure the tiger of telling such enormous lies. So they sent the monkey off to find the wizard who lived in the snow-capped mountains. The monkey climbed for seven days and seven nights, and he got higher and higher until at last he reached the cave in the snow where the wizard lived.
At the entrance to the cave he called out: ‘Old wizard, are you there?’
And a voice called out: ‘Come in, monkey, I’ve been expecting you.’
So the monkey went into the cave. He found the wizard busy preparing spells, and he told him that the animals of the jungle wanted to cure the tiger of telling such enormous lies.
‘Very well,’ said the wizard. ‘Take this potion, and pour it into the tiger’s ears when he is asleep.’
‘But what will it do, wizard?’ asked the monkey.
The wizard smiled and said: ‘Rest assured, once you’ve given him this potion, everything the tiger says will be true all right.’
So the monkey took the potion and went back to the jungle where he told the other animals what they had to do.
That day, while the tiger was having his usual nap behind the bush, all the other animals gathered round in a circle and the monkey crept up very cautiously to the tiger and carefully poured a little of the potion first into one of the tiger’s ears and then into the other. Then he ran back to the other animals, and they all called out: ‘Tiger! Tiger! Wake up, tiger!’
After a while, the tiger opened one eye, and then the other. He was a bit surprised to find all the other animals of the jungle standing around him in a circle.
‘Have you been asleep?’ asked the lion.
‘Oh no,’ said the tiger, ‘I was just lying here, planning my next expedition to the bottom of the ocean.’
When they heard this, all the other animals shook their heads and said: ‘The wizard’s potion hasn’t worked. Tiger’s still telling as whopping lies as ever!’
But just then the tiger found himself leaping to his feet and bounding across the jungle. ‘But it’s true!’ he cried to his own surprise.
‘What are you doing, tiger?’ they asked.
‘I’m going to fly there!’ he called and, sure enough, he spread out his legs and soared up high above the trees and across the top of the jungle.
Now if there’s one thing tigers don’t like, it’s heights, and so the tiger yelled out: ‘Help! I am flying! Get me down!’
But he found himself flying on and on until the jungle was far behind him and he flew over the snow-capped mountains where the wizard lived. The wizard looked up at the tiger flying overhead and smiled to himself and said: ‘Ha-ha, old tiger, you’ll always tell the truth now. For anything you say will become true – even if it wasn’t before!’
And the tiger flew on and on, and he got colder and colder and, if there’s one thing tigers hate worse than heights, it’s being cold.
At length he found himself flying out over the sea, and then suddenly he dropped like a stone, until he came down splash in the middle of the ocean. Now if there’s one thing that tigers hate more than heights and cold, it’s getting wet.
‘Urrrrgh!’ said the tiger, but down and down he sank, right to the bottom of the ocean, and all the fish came up to him and stared, so he chased them off with his tail.
Then he looked up and he could see the bottom of the waves high above him, and he swam up and up, and just as he wa
s running out of breath he reached the surface. Then he struggled and splashed and tried to swim for the shore.
Just then a fishing-boat came by, and all the fishermen gasped in amazement to see a tiger swimming in the middle of the ocean. Then one of them laughed and pointed at the tiger and said: ‘Look! A sea tiger!’
And they all laughed and pointed at the tiger, and, if there’s one thing tigers hate worse than heights and cold and getting wet, it’s being laughed at.
The poor tiger paddled away as fast as he could, but it was a long way to the shore, and eventually the fishermen threw one of their nets over him and hauled him onto the boat.
‘Oh ho!’ they laughed. ‘Now we can make a fortune by getting this sea tiger to perform tricks in the circus’.’
Now this made the tiger really angry because if there’s one thing tigers hate more than heights and cold and getting wet and being laughed at, it’s performing tricks in the circus. So as soon as they landed he tore up the net, and leapt out of the boat, and ran home to the forest as fast as his legs would carry him.
And he never told any lies, ever again.
THE WIND GHOSTS
WHEN THE WIND IS HOWLING ROUND THE HOUSE and tearing at the clouds, our ears are filled with noise. Chimney pots rattle, doors bang, windows shake. But in between the blasts, when the wind is still for a moment, you can sometimes hear, very faintly, the pitter-patter footsteps of the ghosts who follow the wind. Here is the story of one such ghost.
Once there were two friends who set off to seek their fortunes. On the first day, they came to a wide river, and did not know how to get across. So they walked along the river bank until they came to a little tumbledown hut, where an old woman was sitting making a necklace of bones.
‘How do we get across this river, old woman?’ they asked.