by Terry Jones
The princess looked at all three of them and said: ‘The wizard’s curse has indeed come true. All three of you have rescued me, and I love you all equally, and it is certain I cannot marry all three of you.’
So the youngest brother took one half of the golden key as his reward, and the second brother took the other half, and the eldest brother took the silver saw with the diamond teeth. And all three were then wealthier than anyone else in the kingdom. But they were never truly happy, for they continued to love the beautiful princess, and she continued to love all three of them equally, and they could never marry.
And many times they all four sighed together and sometimes they even wished they had left the golden key hanging on the palace wall.
THE WINE OF LI-PO
IN THE LAND OF LI-PO THEY MADE a very special wine. It was deep red in colour, it tasted like nectar, and it kept for ever. But it had one other quality which made it more special than any other wine in the world – whoever drank the wine of Li-Po would speak the truth and only the truth as long as its influence lasted.
Now you might think that a wine with such wonderful properties would be in great demand, and that the vineyards of Li-Po would have had difficulty in producing enough grapes. But quite the reverse was true. It seemed that fewer and fewer people dared to drink the wine of Li-Po for fear that they would have to tell the truth, and the cellars became filled with barrels and bottles of the wine that no one would buy.
At length there was only one wine-maker left in the whole of Li-Po. ‘I cannot understand,’ he said, ‘why everyone is so afraid of the truth. In my father’s time, everyone drank the wine and enjoyed it. And if they had to tell the truth for half a day after, it was no matter to them.’
One day, however, the king of a distant country got to hear of the famous wine of Li-Po. So he said to his Lord Chancellor: ‘Lord Chancellor, it is time I found out who are my trusty subjects and who are not. I want you to arrange for everyone in my kingdom to drink the wine of Li-Po, and to present themselves to me for questioning.’
When the Lord Chancellor heard this command, he shook with fear, for he had many dark secrets that he dreaded the king might find out. But he smiled and said: ‘An excellent idea, Your Majesty. May I be the first to try it out?’
‘Good!’ said the king. ‘See to it straight away.’
So the Lord Chancellor ordered all the barrels of wine in Li-Po to be bought up, and carried in carts over the country to his own land. There the wine was put into bottles, and on every bottle was written somebody’s name. Then the bottles were carefully placed in a huge rack in the main market-place, and seven soldiers were put on duty to guard them day and night.
The Lord Chancellor, meanwhile, was racking his brains to think how he could avoid the test himself, for fear that he should reveal any of his own dark and guilty secrets to the king. So too were all the other members of the King’s Council, for they all had dark and guilty secrets. The same went for all the other lords and ladies and lawyers and doctors and innkeepers and shopkeepers. In fact, every single person in the land was trying his hardest to think how he could avoid drinking the wine of Li-Po and having to tell the truth to the king.
Then the Lord Chancellor hit upon a plan. He had a sleeping potion put into the guards’ drink, and then, at dead of night when they had all fallen fast asleep, the Chancellor crept down to the market square, and took the bottle of wine which bore his name, emptied it out, and refilled it with ordinary wine. Then he made his way home, satisfied that when his turn came he, would not have to tell the truth.
The same plan had also occurred to the other members of the King’s Council, and each one of them crept down to the market square during the nights that followed, and each, unknown to the others, substituted ordinary wine in the bottle which bore his name. It was not long, of course, before word got out that the guards were asleep all night, and very soon all the other lords and ladies had taken the opportunity to do the self-same thing. So too did all the lawyers and doctors and innkeepers and shopkeepers and craftsmen. In short, by the time the day of the tasting came, every one of those bottles of the wine of Li-Po had been emptied and refilled with ordinary wine.
The whole town was buzzing with excitement. The streets were full and the market-place was bursting with the crowds. Everyone in the kingdom was there – except for one notorious robber, who had been hiding up in the hills for several years.
As soon as it was light, the king took his place on his throne, and summoned the Lord Chancellor forward.
‘My Lord Chancellor,’ he said, ‘since you are the most eminent of all my subjects, you shall commence.’
The Lord Chancellor smiled, filled his goblet and drank it down, and said: ‘Now I am ready to answer any questions you wish, Your Majesty.’
‘Very well,’ said the king, ‘first tell me: are you a good and loyal subject?’
‘Indeed I am!’ replied the Lord Chancellor, although at that very moment he was plotting to overthrow the king. ‘Secondly,’ said the king, ‘do you think I’m a wise ruler?’
‘Indeed I do!’ exclaimed the Lord Chancellor, although secretly he thought: ‘What a fool the king is making of himself!’
‘And lastly,’ said the king, ‘how does the wine of Li-Po taste?’
‘It tastes like nectar distilled from all the flowers of heaven!’ said the Lord Chancellor.
‘Very good,’ said the king. ‘You may step down.’
The next to drink the wine was the Prime Minister, and the king asked him the same three questions, and the Prime Minister made similar answers – although he was really no better than the Lord Chancellor.
And so they went on through all the King’s Council, and all the lords and ladies, and the lawyers and doctors and the townsfolk and all the countryfolk. And, because they had all emptied the wine of Li-Po out of the bottles that bore their names and replaced it with ordinary wine, none of them was afraid of answering any of the king’s questions.
Well, the questioning went on all that day and all the next day, and all the day after that, until – just as they were questioning the very last subject of all – some soldiers arrived with the robber, whom they had caught stealing in broad daylight, while everyone was in the city. They hauled him up before the king, and the king ordered him to drink the wine of Li-Po, and then answer the questions that he would put to him.
Now the robber did not know that all the wine of Li-Po had been poured away, and so he took the cup with fear and trembling. But he drank it all the same. Then he faced the king.
‘Firstly, are you a good and loyal subject?’ asked the king.
‘You know me for what I am,’ replied the robber. ‘I’ve robbed your kingdom for many years.’
‘Shame!’ cried all the people.
‘Secondly, do you think I’m a wise ruler?’ asked the king.
‘I’ve nothing to lose by telling the truth,’ replied the robber, ‘and the truth is: a wise ruler would decide for himself which of his subjects he could trust.’
‘Traitor!’ shouted the crowd.
‘Lastly,’ said the king, ‘how does the wine of Li-Po taste?’
‘I’m sure I don’t know,’ replied the robber. ‘I’ve never tasted it, and this is just ordinary wine.’
At which words a silence fell over the market-place, and everyone stared at the ground. And the king rose and said: ‘Is this the only person in my kingdom who dares to tell the truth?’
There and then he dismissed the Lord Chancellor, and appointed the robber in his place, saying: ‘I would rather be served by a thief than a hypocrite.’ And from that day forth, the wine of Li-Po was never seen in his kingdom again, for it had served its purpose – even though not one drop of it had been drunk.
THE ISLAND OF PURPLE FRUITS
A SAILOR WAS ONCE SHIPWRECKED on a strange island. He swam ashore and then turned and watched his ship sink beneath the waves. But he did not despair.
‘I will build myself anot
her boat to take me home,’ he said. ‘And I will also build a great fire that I will light to attract the attention of any ship that passes.’ So he got to work, and in the meantime he lived off the fruits and berries that grew there in abundance.
On this island, however, there was one kind of fruit that he could never taste. It was large and purple, and it grew high up on the tallest of all the trees. The trunk of the tree was perfectly smooth and impossible to climb but, as he gazed up at those purple fruits, the sailor said to himself: ‘I am sure that those are the most delicious fruits on the island. I am going to taste them, no matter what.’
So he stopped building his boat, and built himself a ladder instead, which he leant up against the tree. Then he climbed to the top, picked a fruit, and ate it. It tasted more delicious than anything else he had ever eaten in his life, and that night he dreamt a wonderful dream. He dreamt he had finished his boat, and that it was a fine vessel with tall sails. On it he sailed back in his dream across the vast ocean to his wife and children, and he was truly happy at last.
When he woke up, he took another bite of the purple fruit, and fell asleep again, and this time he dreamt that he built himself a suit of feathers, and in this suit he flew like a bird over the waters and over his own home, and his wife and children came out and waved up at him, and he flew to the king’s palace, and the king gave him jewels and gold and a fine house, where he lived with his family, and they were all truly happy.
When he woke up, it was broad daylight, and there in the bay was a great ship.
‘At last!’ he cried. ‘I’m saved!’ And he ran down to the shore and waved, but the ship was already well out to sea, and no one saw him. So he ran to his fire, but it had gone out and, before he could light it, the ship was but a speck on the horizon.
The poor shipwrecked sailor sat down with his head in his hands in despair. Then he took another bite of the purple fruit, and once more he slept and dreamt that he was truly happy.
Many months passed, and the sailor began to eat nothing but the purple fruit, and he dreamt all the night and most of the day – beautiful dreams in which he was truly happy, and so were his wife and children. Little by little, he forgot about building his boat that was going to take him home, and, whenever the occasional ship passed the island, he never even noticed it, and the fire remained unlit. Thus, although the sailor returned home time and time again in his dreams, the years passed and still he remained on that desert island.
One day, however, a tall ship entered the bay and sent a search party ashore to gather fresh water and fruit. There they came across the ragged figure of the sailor, sleeping happily under a purple fruit tree. They could not wake him, however hard they tried, and so they picked him up and carried him down to the ship. There they placed him in a bed and put to sea once more.
When the sailor eventually awoke and learnt what had happened, his rescuers expected him to leap for joy, but instead he cried out: ‘Oh! Now I shall never be truly happy again, for I shall never be able to eat any more of that purple fruit!’
There was no going back, however, and eventually they returned him to his own country. There he made his way home at long last. When he got there, he found it had all changed from his dreams, for he had been away so long that his children had grown up, and the pretty young wife that he had left behind had grown old with work and care.
Nevertheless, he took her in his arms, and said: ‘Why! I am as happy now as I was in my dreams on the island of purple fruits!’
But his wife said: ‘How can you compare the happiness of a dream with true happiness?’
‘But it was true happiness,’ replied the sailor. ‘No one could be happier than I was in those dreams.’
But his wife looked at him and said: ‘In your dreams on the island of purple fruits, did you dream that we were happy too?’
‘Indeed I did!’ said the sailor. ‘And that made my happiness complete.’
‘Yet it was just a dream,’ said his wife, ‘for we were still sad, believing you were dead. But now you have returned to us, you know it’s not a dream, and that knowledge – surely – is true happiness.’
The sailor kissed his wife and children and after that, although he often thought of the island of purple fruits and the happiness of dreams, he never spoke of either again.
THE BEAST WITH A THOUSAND TEETH
A LONG TIME AGO, in a land far away, the most terrible beast that ever lived roamed the countryside. It had four eyes, six legs and a thousand teeth. In the morning it would gobble up men as they went to work in the fields. In the afternoon it would break into lonely farms and eat up mothers and children as they sat down to lunch, and at night it would stalk the streets of the towns, looking for its supper.
In the biggest of all the towns, there lived a pastrycook and his wife, and they had a small son whose name was Sam. One morning, as Sam was helping his father to make pastries, he heard that the Mayor had offered a reward of ten bags of gold to anyone who could rid the city of the beast.
‘Oh,’ said Sam, ‘wouldn’t I just like to win those ten bags of gold!’
‘Nonsense!’ said his father. ‘Put those pastries in the oven.’
That afternoon, they heard that the King himself had offered a reward of a hundred bags of gold to anyone who could rid the kingdom of the beast.
‘Oooh! Wouldn’t I just like to win those hundred bags of gold,’ said Sam.
‘You’re too small,’ said his father. ‘Now run along and take those cakes to the Palace before it gets dark.’
So Sam set off for the Palace with a tray of cakes balanced on his head. But he was so busy thinking of the hundred bags of gold that he lost his way, and soon it began to grow dark.
‘Oh dear!’ said Sam. ‘The beast will be coming soon to look for his supper. I’d better hurry home.’
So he turned and started to hurry home as fast as he could. But he was utterly and completely lost, and he didn’t know which way to turn. Soon it grew very dark. The streets were deserted, and everyone was safe inside, and had bolted and barred their doors for fear of the beast.
Poor Sam ran up this street and down the next, but he couldn’t find the way home. Then suddenly – in the distance – he heard a sound like thunder, and he knew that the beast with a thousand teeth was approaching the city!
Sam ran up to the nearest house, and started to bang on the door.
‘Let me in!’ he cried. ‘I’m out in the streets, and the beast is approaching the city! Listen!’ And he could hear the sound of the beast getting nearer and nearer. The ground shook and the windows rattled in their frames. But the people inside said no – if they opened the door, the beast might get in and eat them too.
So poor Sam ran up to the next house, and banged as hard as he could on their door, but the people told him to go away.
Then he heard a roar, and he heard the beast coming down the street, and he ran as hard as he could. But no matter how hard he ran, he could hear the beast getting nearer … and nearer … And he glanced over his shoulder – and there it was at the end of the street! Poor Sam in his fright dropped his tray, and hid under some steps. And the beast got nearer and nearer until it was right on top of him, and it bent down and its terrible jaws went SNACK! and it gobbled up the tray of cakes, and then it turned on Sam.
Sam plucked up all his courage and shouted as loud as he could: ‘Don’t eat me, Beast! Wouldn’t you rather have some more cakes?’
The beast stopped and looked at Sam, and then it looked back at the empty tray, and it said: ‘Well … they were very nice cakes … I liked the pink ones particularly. But there are no more left, so I’ll just have to eat you …’ And it reached under the steps where poor Sam was hiding, and pulled him out in its great horny claws.
‘Oh … p-p-please!’ cried Sam. ‘If you don’t eat me, I’ll make you some more. I’ll make you lots of good things, for I’m the son of the best pastrycook in the land.’
‘Will you make more of those pink
ones?’ asked the beast.
‘Oh yes! I’ll make you as many pink ones as you can eat!’ cried Sam.
‘Very well,’ said the beast, and put poor Sam in his pocket, and carried him home to his lair.
The beast lived in a dark and dismal cave. The floor was littered with the bones of the people it had eaten, and the stone walls were marked with lines, where the beast used to sharpen its teeth. But Sam got to work right away, and started to bake as many cakes as he could for the beast. And when he ran out of flour or eggs or anything else, the beast would run back into town to get them, although it never paid for anything.
Sam cooked and baked, and he made scones and eclairs and meringues and sponge cakes and shortbread and doughnuts. But the beast looked at them and said, ‘You haven’t made any pink ones!’
‘Just a minute!’ said Sam, and he took all the cakes and he covered every one of them in pink icing.
‘There you are,’ said Sam, ‘they’re all pink ones!’
‘Great!’ said the beast and ate the lot.
Well, the beast grew so fond of Sam’s cakes that it shortly gave up eating people altogether, and it stayed at home in its cave eating and eating, and growing fatter and fatter. This went on for a whole year, until one morning Sam woke up to find the beast rolling around groaning and beating the floor of the cave. Of course you can guess what was the matter with it.
‘Oh dear,’ said Sam, ‘I’m afraid it’s all that pink icing that has given you toothache.’
Well, the toothache got worse and worse and, because the beast had a thousand teeth, it was soon suffering from the worst toothache that anyone in the whole history of the world has ever suffered from. It lay on its side and held its head and roared in agony, until Sam began to feel quite sorry for it. The beast howled and howled with pain, until it could stand it no longer. ‘Please, Sam, help me!’ it cried.