I couldn’t let anyone make me hate.
I was running past the stands, my lungs burning, heart thumping, when I saw her. She was right near the front, where I should have guessed she would be, with the other important guests. I ran past and wondered if she’d noticed or recognized me.
I returned to the present and saw Jake racing toward the ball and ran to block a guy who was running to block him. I was almost there on time but then I didn’t need to be as he passed it and then we scored a touchdown.
We all went wild.
I ran and slapped his palm and we were all elated for a second or two and then the game resumed.
I wanted to glance at Ryanne, but I was too far away.
The game went on.
By halftime I was completely finished. I was panting and spent, and I felt like I had been running all day. We were winning.
I collapsed onto a bench, soaked with sweat.
Our coach appeared to give us a chat. Mostly it was about complacency and how even if were winning, we could still win more. I felt myself believe that. At moments like this I was so open to being hopeful.
I looked at Jake and at this moment the rage that had been building had disintegrated. I was too involved in working together like we always did.
I didn’t mention to him, though, that Ryanne was here or that I had seen her. And if he had noticed her at any point, he didn’t note it either.
We went out again.
We won the game.
“Yeah!”
I screamed it and Jake just yelled.
We all went crazy.
In the locker room, it was all celebration. We were like madmen, our blood fizzling with happiness.
“You coming out?” Dax yelled.
We all laughed.
“Sure we are!”
“Yeah!”
We were in such high spirits—it was an amazing feeling. I grinned at Jake and he grinned at me.
When we were showered and dressed again and heading to the party, he turned to me.
“Awesome game, hey?”
I nodded. “Incredible. And well done,” I said. “You set that first goal going.”
He shrugged. “Not really.”
I shook his hand. “Yes, really.”
We both laughed. Then we were heading into the car and being driven to the club for the party. I felt good. Opposite me were three grinning faces.
“Hell, that was awesome,” Dax grinned.
“Yeah.”
At the club, I straightened my tie and walked up the steps. I walked past the usual array of stunning young women in elegant dresses, or the VIP guests. Went over to our coach to chat.
I was chatting when I caught sight of someone. Wearing a long blue dress, with her black hair loose. I wanted to stare.
I looked away. She looked away too, almost as if she didn’t want to have noticed me. Then she got a strange look on her face and came over.
“Hi,” she said. She came and stood beside me and Jake and smiled at him. “Awesome game, guys.”
Jake nodded formally. “Thank you,” he said.
She looked at me, then touched his arm.
I felt my insides turn over. Suddenly I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around and walked out of the room.
I was in the garden, sitting on a bench. There were two smokers walking in the colonnade of trees nearby, but other than them I was alone. Under normal circumstances, with my body well-rested and not flying on an interesting mix of adrenalin and exhaustion, I would probably have been okay. But I started crying.
I sniffed, furious at myself. A thousand taunts and rebukes went through my head. Why the heck was I crying?
I sniffed again, trying to hide it, and then I heard a footfall behind me. I turned around.
“Hey.”
“Go away,” I said succinctly.
“No,” Jake grinned. He looked hurt.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I said firmly. “I really don’t. Please, Jake. No.”
He didn’t move. Just stayed where he was.
“What?” I said angrily. “Are you going to tell me she still doesn’t prefer you? Because she does. She hasn’t made any secrets about that. At least, not about the fact that she doesn’t want me.”
He frowned. “I don’t believe that for a second, runner.”
“Well, believe it,” I spat. I didn’t want to talk to him. Or her. I just wanted time alone.
“Listen, Tyler,” he said, sitting down so he faced me. “I don’t understand what’s going on here. I don’t think I’ll understand things like this if I live to be a hundred. But I do know that she does feel something for you.”
“Huh,” I mumbled.
“I do,” he insisted.
“How do you figure that out?” I raged. “She was quite happy chatting to you. She couldn’t care about me—I bet she doesn’t even know I left.”
“You didn’t see her face,” he said quietly.
I frowned. I didn’t want to believe what he was saying so I didn’t reply to that. I stayed where I was. Out in the garden the two smokers finished their cigarettes and walked back toward the party venue.
“Tyler,” Jake said quietly. “Have you ever considered the possibility that she’s as worried about this as you?”
“Why would she be?” I asked, incredulous. “It’d be easy for her to just do whatever she wanted to. She’s the one with the company, she’s the boss. She could tell them all to go to hell if she really wanted to be with me. So she doesn’t.”
He looked at me. “You’re serious?”
I wanted to spit. “Of course I am,” I said. “It’s true.”
“No,” he said. “It’s not. She can’t just tell people to go and take a hike. That’s the whole point. Hell, Tyler, you haven’t thought this through.”
“Thought what through?” I spat.
“Well, you haven’t thought about how hard it is for her. Imagine what would happen to her if someone decided to blacken her name! She’s a single woman at the head of a huge enterprise. You think that isn’t a big enough challenge? She’s scared of taking risks.”
I stared at him. I wanted to laugh at that. She’d been out-there enough to get involved with us! How was she scared?
I did think about it, though. I should have thought about it. He was right, much as I hated to admit it. I had never thought about her as a woman in a male-dominated space before. I probably wouldn’t have thought about it if I didn’t have some experience from my friends and family about what that meant. Fallon had told me a little bit about her own experiences—how she felt overlooked at her job, both as a woman and a woman who happened not to be able to walk.
I must be dumb. I was ideally placed to understand what that would feel like, and yet I’d missed it completely.
“Okay,” I sighed. “So? What to do?”
He frowned. “Well, I have an idea.”
We sat and discussed it. At first, it seemed to me like it wouldn’t make any sense. Then, the more he talked about it, I realized it might just work. I nodded.
“Worth a try,” I agreed. “Let’s go.”
CHAPTER 18: RYANNE
“Ms. Richmond?” a guy I didn’t know said.
“Yes. That’s right.”
“Doug Falkirk.”
“Oh,” I said. I shook his hand. “Hi. Pleased to meet you. Ryanne,” I added belatedly. I was distracted, which was why my manners were not quite what they should be. I couldn’t quite believe what I’d just done. I looked at the room, watching the crowds blankly.
“I’m the coach,” he explained, when I didn’t reply.
“Oh!” I flushed for the second time in five sentences. “You must be very proud now.”
He nodded, smiling. “I am. I know Transcor,” he added.
“You do?” I said, feeling extra-embarrassed as he knew what I did, but I’d had no idea who he was. “Why?”
He smiled. “Well, we had to take the bus up North for a game
once.”
“Oh!” I felt pleased. “Well, I’m glad I could help.”
He smiled. “Thanks. It was good to see you here.”
I raised a brow. “I discovered I’d never been to a live game before, and I thought, why not?”
He nodded. “Why not, indeed?”
I laughed. “That’s what I thought.”
We exchanged pleasantries for a while and I found myself wondering why the heck I was here. I had come with the intent of once and for all ending things with Tyler. I had done that. So now I should go.
“Um, excuse me,” I said politely. “I think I’d better get going. My head,” I added, waving a casual hand in the room’s direction.
“Loud, eh?”
“Mm,” I nodded. “A pleasure meeting you.”
“You too, ma’am. You too—goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” I said politely. I had only just got here, but it was time to leave. I turned around and walked briskly toward the front.
That was when I walked into Jake.
“Hey!” he said, much too loudly. He was clearly more out of it than he realized—he smelled strongly of spirit. I stopped dead, not wanting to confront him.
“Hello,” I said tightly, trying to pass him in the entranceway.
He pushed closer. “Why’re you going?” he demanded. “Party’s just starting.”
“Jake,” I hissed. “You’ve had too much.”
He grinned. “I can’t have enough,” he murmured.
That was it. I almost slapped him. I was so grateful I hadn’t—it would have been an appalling scandal. As it was, he must have seen how furious I was because he stepped back.
“‘s okay,” he slurred. “I’m going.”
“Good,” I hissed. “You’d better go.”
He turned an utterly surprised look on me but he walked away. I tried to calm down. Looked round the hall quickly to see if anyone saw us.
When nobody seemed to be looking in that direction, I walked quickly across the marble expanse of the foyer and to my car.
When I got in, I collapsed against the steering wheel and started crying. It was too much. First, the horror of having to hurt someone I cared about. Then, the humiliation of that. I couldn’t take much more.
“I am stupid,” I told myself harshly. “I am just stupid.”
I had been crazy to ever start this. And now it was turning out to be so much worse than I could possibly have imagined. What would my dad think of me? I wasn’t even going to think about that.
I put my foot on the gas and shot home.
When I got there, I was shivering. It wasn’t cold but the combination of exhaustion and anger was wearing on me. And hurt. If I was honest, it was mostly hurt.
I showered and then slid into bed under clean, soft sheets. I fell asleep but it was restless sleep and when I woke on Sunday morning I felt drained and tired. I made myself coffee and sat looking out over the park, drinking it.
I watched as people went about their morning business. There was a little mist still hanging there and I could see figures walking, half-wreathed in it. It was a strange perspective. I could see ahead of them where they could probably only see half the picture, mist-wreathed and hidden.
I wondered if I was only seeing half the picture here.
“That’s crazy, you,” I told myself, standing to go and make breakfast. “You’re just hoping that you’re missing something.”
But I was missing something. Why was it that Jake—who had my number and could have contacted me—had not done so for over a week, but Tyler had? And now, suddenly, I stopped paying attention to Tyler and Jake got all weird? It didn’t make much sense.
“Actually, it does,” I told myself. “What if they are rivals, and so when it looks like you’re paying attention to the one of them, the other one backs off.”
Well, that made even worse sense. If I had a rival, I tended to try and make competition. I would certainly not back off! I would either undercut them or try and buy them out. And that wasn’t what I was seeing here.
“Besides, they are on the same team.”
I could imagine, just from having been at that party last night, that meant something. They couldn’t be enemies and play together that way.
So the only other option was that they were in league somehow. Were they both setting me up? Trying to make a fool out of me?
I sighed. I wondered if Jess was doing anything. I had been to her party yesterday morning—partly why I was so tired. It had been a full day. First her morning tea and lunch and then the afternoon game. I shouldn’t have tried to do so much in one day.
I texted her.
A minute later, I got a reply.
Just making the week’s dinners for freezing. Come over for dinner?
I texted back. Great.
I needed to see her and talk about what was going on. At this moment, I didn’t want to see anyone.
Just someone I could trust.
At seven, I arrived in Jess’s flat. I walked past the exotic wooden statues in the hallway and into the dining room, drawn by the smell of food. Jess was in the kitchen, her hair tied up, an apron on.
“Great! Just in time. Can you chop the bok choi?”
“Sure,” I said with a shrug. I joined her in the kitchen and let her show me how it’s done.
“So?” she asked as she chopped carrots onto a bamboo chopping board with ruthless precision. “How was it?”
“How was what?”
“You said you had to go somewhere after the party?”
“Oh,” I went red. “It was okay.”
She didn’t ask what it was and I was glad for that. I sighed. I didn’t know what I’d do without Jess.
We finished making the dinner and then sat down together to eat it. While we ate, I thought about what to ask her.
“Jess,” I said, “you know, I think I did something good yesterday, but I feel awful about it.”
“Well, it’s difficult to say it’s good then, isn’t it?” She asked, chopsticks poised on their way to her chin. She had offered to teach me to eat rice with chopsticks and it really was time I had a tutorial.
“How do you mean?” I frowned.
“Well, if it’s making you so miserable, I can’t think that it’s good—not for you, anyway.”
I sighed. “I never thought about that.”
“Well, think about it,” she said, and I detected a note of harshness in her voice.
I raised my brows in surprise. “Okay,” I said. “Well, in that case, I did something very dumb.”
“Maybe,” she shrugged. “But we all make mistakes. Can you fix it?”
I frowned. “Maybe.”
“Good.”
I thought about that. I didn’t know how to fix it yet, or even if it needed fixing. Come on, girl. It definitely needed fixing. I had seen Tyler’s face when he stormed out like that. He was miserable. And I doubted I would get a second chance.
“I think I really hurt someone,” I ventured.
She frowned. “Well, would just saying sorry work?”
I sighed. “I don’t think so. I think I would have to explain, and I don’t know if they’d want to hear it.”
“If they can’t hear it, chances are it’s not worth worrying about,” she said. “At least, not until they do.”
“Mm,” I nodded. “That’s true.”
“Well, I have good news,” she grinned. “I am all set to move at the end of September.”
“Wow!” I grinned. “That’s amazing.”
“It is,” she nodded. “I’m going to get some housing organized with this group for a while, until I can sort something out more permanently, and then I’ll relocate.”
“So you’re moving your stuff later, then?”
“Well, yeah. I have this place for a month still, and then I’ll put this lot in storage,” she said, waving a hand at all the furniture she’d accumulated over the last years. It was all beautiful stuff and I considered offering to
store some of it in my basement.
“You have somewhere to keep it?”
“I do,” she nodded. “I’ve found one of those groups who crate it up so you can send it out later.”
“That’s great,” I nodded. “You’re doing a brave thing.”
She grinned. “Not really. I’m just moving into a new place. It isn’t really any scarier than starting anything new or working in any new headspace.”
“That’s a good point,” I said wryly.
I wondered if I would be brave enough to change my ideas about Tyler. I would have to try.
We finished dinner around eleven and while I drove home I thought about the problem. I had everything to lose—my company, my reputation, my legacy—and what was I gaining?
I was gaining a feeling of righteousness. Of knowing that I was suffering, but I was doing what Dad would have wanted. What would have made him proud?
On the other hand, if I flouted the media, what was I losing? Joy. Of safety with another person. Contentment. And if I did it, I was gaining a kind of trust I hadn’t felt in my world before. And I was gaining love.
I went up the stairs and sat down in my apartment. It was late and I was exhausted. I caught sight of myself reflected in a windowpane. My hair was loose and straggling around my shoulders, and I looked pale and drawn.
I spoke aloud, something I didn’t tend to do.
“Dad?” I said. “I don’t know what I should do. But I think that I need to work this out. It’s giving me sleepless nights. You had a full life. You loved Mom. But you never would have let her down, or yourself. What would you say, if you knew what was bothering me?”
I sighed. I was just tired. It was late and I was emotionally drained. I should go to bed. I walked through to my bedroom and put on the radio—something I did sometimes to relax.
“Without love, I had nothing…at all…” Tom Jones sang loudly.
Tom Jones. A singer my dad had enjoyed.
I didn’t used to believe in that kind of thing, but this was too much to ignore.
“Dammit, dad,” I said loudly. “If that’s a message from you, I’m listening.”
I turned the radio up and listened to the words.
“All my dreams had turned to dust…without love, I had nothing at all.”
I started sobbing. I knew it was ridiculous. But somehow, it made sense. I had finally met someone I could trust—they might be completely different to me, from another world. But I had to follow my own heart on this.
Double Trouble Page 13