‘No!’
‘No?’ Anger coursed through her. Even now, he failed to trust her. ‘What is wrong with my idea? Father Aidan will educate him. He has done so with many orphans in the past. They’ve become monks, useful members of the community.’
‘Sven’s son is not going to go into a monastery. He hated monasteries and monks.’
Cwenneth rolled her eyes. ‘You don’t want him to go to a monastery. You won’t have him with you and leaving him here is not an option. What do you intend to do with him? How do you intend on honouring your friend?’
Thrand put his hands on either side of his head. ‘I know this! Give me time!’
‘We have little time! You must decide!’
Their quarrel was interrupted by the farmer returning with Aud in his arms. ‘You see the boy can be made to be tidy.’
Aud had been hastily washed and dressed in clean clothes. His damp white-blond hair curled in little ringlets and his big brown eyes made him look like an angel.
‘There,’ the young girl said with a pleased air as if Aud were her own. ‘He cleans up right lovely.’
She too had changed into clean clothes and her hair was neatly brushed.
‘Yes, he does,’ Cwenneth answered softly, thinking about Richard and the fresh smell he had always had after his wash. She wanted to smell that again. ‘You both look lovely. May I hold him?’
The farmer started to hand him over, but Aud wriggled free and toddled over to Thrand, holding up his arms.
‘Up!’ he cried.
Cwenneth started forward to take possession of the boy before Thrand rejected him and the wailing started. If Thrand disliked a woman’s tears, he’d like a toddler’s even less.
However, rather than shying away or pretending he hadn’t noticed like Aefirth had once done with Richard, Thrand knelt down so his face was near to the boy’s. He stuck out a finger and ran it down Aud’s cheek.
‘You look remarkably like my friend, your father, Sven, Aud Svenson,’ he said in a tender voice. ‘With you alive, he lives on. My old friend would be so proud to be your father. He wanted the best for you.’
Aud threw his arms about Thrand, and Thrand hugged him back. Cwenneth bit her lip, wondering if this was the first time any child had ever been that open with the warrior.
‘We would like to invite you to eat with us. My man and I discussed it,’ the old woman said, coming forward. ‘Maeri would have wanted it. She always said that her man would return for her. I feel so guilty now for having pushed her into that marriage. It brought nothing but trouble.’
‘We would be delighted,’ Cwenneth said quickly before Thrand had a chance to refuse. There had to be a way of giving that little boy a life, but she needed time to think of an idea which Thrand could embrace.
* * *
The remains of the simple meal lay on the table. The pottage had not been fancy, but it was nourishing and there was enough for all.
A huge lump rose in Thrand’s throat. He found it difficult to remember the last time he had sat down to a supper with ordinary people. The taste of the stew and rough wheat bread brought back memories of sitting down with his parents and eating after a day working in the fields.
Aud sat next to him, seemingly oblivious to the fact that children generally feared him and kept away from him, hiding their faces whenever he approached. Throughout the meal, Aud kept jumping up to get one of his treasures such as a bird’s feather or an interesting stone.
With each new offering, Thrand was aware of his hollow words to Cwen earlier. He couldn’t leave the boy and walk away. He, too, knew what Aud’s fate would be, even if he left gold—ignored at best and actively abused at worst. Aud would be used like an animal, not treated like the bright boy he was.
A monastery was not going to happen, not for Sven’s child. Lingwold would mean he could not maintain contact with the child. Cwen’s brother wanted his head on a platter. The battlefield was no place for a child. But he could hardly bring up a child on his own. Where would he leave him when he had to go on the king’s business? In Jorvik? Who could he trust?
He slammed his fist against the table. The conversation ceased. Everyone turned toward him with a mixture of apprehension and fear in the farmer and his wife’s faces. Cwen’s showed mild irritation. Only Aud seemed oblivious to the tension. He jumped up again and toddled off.
‘It is all right,’ Hilde said with a bright smile. ‘He does it because he likes you. He doesn’t mean to get you angry.’
‘I’m not angry with him,’ Thrand mumbled. ‘I enjoy his company.’
‘Then what is the problem?’ Cwen asked, lifting a delicate eyebrow.
Thrand swallowed hard. How could he confess the agony he was going through? After he told her that he didn’t want anyone? How could he confess to caring about the boy’s future? And caring about her future, but knowing his current life had no room for either?
‘Nothing is wrong.’ He pushed his trencher away. ‘I suddenly missed Sven. He would have liked to meet his son. He liked children. They never hid their faces when he appeared.’
He patted Aud on the head as he returned bearing yet another gift. The boy beamed up at him and handed him another feather. This time from an owl. He released another breath. The boy hadn’t shrunk from him despite his thumping of the table.
‘For you,’ Aud said.
‘He likes feathers and birds,’ Hilde said helpfully. ‘That one was one of his very favourites.’
‘I’m sure Thrand will treasure it,’ Cwen retorted with a determined look on her face.
Thrand forced a smile, but all the while his heart ached in a way that it hadn’t for years. He wanted a different future.
‘Aefirth often ignored Richard’s offerings,’ she said in a low voice as she leant towards him.
‘I’m not your late husband.’ Thrand carefully tucked the feather in his belt. ‘I’m honoured the boy has given it to me.’
Cwen stood and straightened her gown. ‘We should leave these people.’
‘Leave?’
‘They will have chores to do and we have a long way to go.’ There was an incredibly sad dignity to her bearing, reminding him of the statues he’d seen in Constantinople. Thrand found it hard to reconcile this closed-off and dignified woman with the vulnerable one he’d watched over last night in case the bad dreams returned, the one who had turned to him with a soft sigh as she nestled her head against his bare chest.
Thrand frowned. He wanted to spend more time with the boy and get to know him. But it also seemed like he had reached a turning point in his life. What he did next had the power to alter his life for good or ill and it frightened him far more than the prospect of facing a horde of angry warriors.
‘Please stay,’ the farmer’s wife choked out. ‘It is good to see Adam...Aud so content and happy. He has spent weeks crying for his mother and driving me to distraction. The pigs were the only creatures which stopped his tears.’
‘It won’t be long before dark,’ the farmer said. ‘Stay here where it is safe.’
‘Only tonight. We can sleep in the barn,’ Cwen said, her look challenging him to say differently. ‘We will need to be off at first light. Thrand has fulfilled his oath to Sven Audson.’
‘We will stay,’ Thrand said, touching the feather Aud had given him.
Somehow he’d find a way to solve his dilemma. Fresh air always made him think better, particularly when the sands of time slipped through his fingers. He needed to make the right decision, rather than one he’d regret for the rest of his life. ‘Cwen, will you come for a walk around the farmyard with me? I should like to investigate Aud’s home and the animals they keep here. Sven would expect that of me.’
She gave a small nod.
He held out his arm. By the end of the walk, he knew he had to
have a workable plan for Aud’s future.
Chapter Eleven
Thrand led Cwen out into the low afternoon light. Together they made a circuit of the farmyard and its buildings. He noticed how he automatically adjusted his pace to suit Cwen’s. He could remember how his father had done the same for his mother and how they too had walked about the farm at this time of day.
The sky was beginning to be streaked orange and crimson. A certain peace hung over the place, but Thrand’s thoughts kept circling back to his future, one which currently did not hold Aud or even Cwen. The prospect of not having Cwen depressed him, but how could he make her want to stay with him? She’d been very clear on the boundaries of their relationship. A tiny voice nagged that he had forced them on her. He frowned and tried to silence it.
‘If he had lived, what was Sven planning on doing?’ Cwenneth asked as they stopped beside the large barn for the second time. ‘If Maeri had been free?’
‘Does it matter? It is useless to speculate.’ The words came out harsher than he’d intended.
She pleated her travel-stained gown with her fingers. ‘I suppose not. I was curious. Sven Audson sounds like a man who always had a plan.’
‘Iceland. He wanted to take his family to Iceland.’ Thrand abruptly let go of her arm.
The lowing of the cattle, mixed with the snuffling of the pigs, took him back to his boyhood. He went into the barn and breathed in the straw-scented air. He shook his head. He had no business remembering that easy time.
The last time he had been in a barn like this one was when Ingrid had led him there. He knew what had happened afterwards and he had avoided them ever since. But now he suddenly realised that he had missed the utter peace and tranquillity that went with them.
‘What did he want to go there for? Surely he could have started a new life in Northumbria.’ Cwenneth asked, putting her hand in his.
He closed his fingers about hers, grateful that he did not have to explain. She seemed to understand his distress. She led him away from the barn and towards the green pasture. In the distance he could see the blue-grey waters of the Tyne.
‘He wanted to leave this place of war and go to a land that had never seen conflict,’ he said when he trusted his voice.
Cwen frowned. ‘And there is no war in Iceland?’
‘A man can be free from his past there, or that was what Sven claimed. He was tired of the political intrigue that surrounds Halfdan now that he is ill. He had no great love or loyalty for any of the rivals. He wanted out.’
‘If the other Norsemen are like Hagal, I can understand that sentiment.’ Cwen’s mouth turned up into a sad smile.
‘Halfdan is an excellent warrior. He looks after his men, but the others? They are after their own glory.’
‘Why not go back to the north where you all came from if he had made his fortune?’
‘He had no wish to return to Viken. I never enquired too closely why he left. We all had our reasons. He wanted a life free from his past where his child could grow up innocent of all feuds.’
She tapped her finger against her mouth, and her eyes turned thoughtful. ‘A life free from your past. Is that something you would want?’
Thrand stopped. His entire being stilled. Iceland! He had been blind. It was the perfect solution. But would she agree? Did he dare ask? He knew what they had agreed, but the more he knew Cwen, the more uncomfortable he was about having her face Halfdan and the pit of snakes which passed for the Storting. Anything could happen, particularly as Hagal had started spreading rumours blaming him for the events.
He wanted to keep her with him, rather than sending her back to Lingwold where she could be used again as a pawn in her brother’s quest for power.
‘A man can have his reasons,’ he said cautiously, trying to think how best to put it without making it seem like he cared for her. ‘Thor knows Sven must have had enough. He saw it as a chance for a fresh start and the opportunity to show Maeri the man he could be.’
‘Is it a good land?’ He detected a slight note of wistfulness in her voice. ‘A fertile land where you could grow crops free from...well...free from the threat of war and the necessity of paying Danegeld? It sounds silly. Ever since Aefirth died, I have spent nights standing at the window, longing for such a land. I didn’t think it existed.’
‘It is a hard land, but it can be good. The valleys are fertile. Trade is good with Norway.’ At her questioning glance, he added. ‘Sven and I visited it a few summers ago. There are crystal waterfalls and springs which run hot. One of his cousins settled there. Now he tends his sheep and horses instead of risking his life on the eastern trade to Constantinople.’
‘It sounds lovely.’
‘Would you like to see it?’ he asked before he lost his nerve. The meaning of his dream when he woke from the fever suddenly became crystal clear. It was not about dying alone, but living with a family. He could have a family again. He could protect them. He would not repeat his father’s mistakes or his own. He could outrun his past. All he had to do was to emigrate with Cwen.
Travelling to Iceland would give him a chance for a new start in a fresh, clean land. He could leave his past behind him just as Sven had planned to. He could stop being a warrior and become a farmer.
‘What did you say?’ Cwen stopped pleating her gown and stared at him.
‘I am willing to take you there. You would like it, I think. Boats take some getting used to, but the journey is done in stages. You will adjust.’
Her eyes widened as his words sank in. ‘You want to take me to Iceland? Why?’
He gathered her hands between his. He had to get the words right. He wanted to put them in such a way that she could not refuse. If she refused, he didn’t know what he would do.
He knew she did not want him for ever. She had made that perfectly clear the other day when they had first made love. What woman would? He had too much darkness inside him. But she was a natural mother. He’d seen the longing in her eyes when she held Aud. Once in Iceland, he’d prove to her that he was worthy of her. ‘Cwen, come with me. Let’s go to Iceland and take Aud with us. Fulfil Sven’s dream because he can’t. Aud is an innocent child. Why should he have to suffer for something which has nothing to do with him? Are you going to allow Hagal to destroy another life?’
‘What are you asking me?’ she gasped out.
Thrand took heart from the fact that she didn’t attempt to pull away. He tightened his grip about her slender fingers. ‘Marry me, Cwen, and provide Aud with a mother. That little boy needs a mother desperately. He needs you.’
Marry him? Thrand wanted to marry her, move to Iceland and put their pasts behind them. He wanted her to go to Iceland with him and be Aud’s mother.
Cwenneth stared at the large Norseman standing before her, holding her hands as the giant sky began to darken all around them. The ground tilted under her feet. She forgot how to breathe. She had to have heard wrong. Had that innocent child with his treasures touched his stone-cold heart in a way she couldn’t? She’d seen how they were together. It was wrong of her to wish that it had been her.
‘Please say something, Cwen. Have you lost your voice?’ The raw note in his plea tore at her heart.
‘Did you just ask me to marry you?’ she whispered finally before he turned away from her and this chance slipped away.
He put an arm about her shoulder, bringing her close to his body. ‘Yes. You can be Aud’s mother. You saw how he was at dinner. A little care and he will blossom. He has the makings of a fine warrior. Did you see the treasures he kept bringing me at supper?’
‘Aud’s mother.’ She shook her head. It was wrong of her to even offer when she knew she was almost certainly facing death in Jorvik. ‘But I’m the wrong woman. I let my child die alone. I should have stayed with him. Aud deserves better. He deserves a mother who w
ill stay with him.’
‘Your son died because it was his time. And this boy’s mother died also. Are you going to say it was his fault?’ Thrand’s lip curled. ‘The priest implied it was. Maybe you believe it too, but don’t wish to say. Do you believe the boy is cursed?’
‘Of course not! You are being ridiculous.’
‘It is you who are being ridiculous.’ He put both hands on her shoulders, and his summer-blue eyes looked deep into her soul. ‘You have a great capacity to love, Cwen. You need to lavish it on someone who will appreciate that love rather than waste it.’
Cwenneth broke away from him and pressed her hands to her temples, trying to think around the sudden pain in her heart. Capacity to love and not wasting it. ‘Are you saying that I am some sort of lovelorn female who wears her heart on her sleeve, just hoping for any creature to love me back?’
‘I am not worthy of your love!’ Thrand’s words echoed round and round the pasture.
‘You think I love you?’ White-hot anger coursed through her veins. She couldn’t love Thrand. What they shared was passion. She knew it would end and had planned for it. She had kept her heart out of it. ‘Of all the arrogant, pig-headed assumptions! Simply because we have shared passion, I am supposed to love you? Have feelings for you? What utter rubbish!’
‘My mistake.’ Thrand inclined his head, which once again wore his warrior’s mask. ‘I thought I had best warn you...in case you agreed to the marriage. What love and finer feeling I had died years ago. It is futile to hope. I don’t even know how to begin to care for someone. I’ve no practice in it. You are right. The women over the years have blurred. I find it hard to put a name or face to one of them. But I know I will always remember you. If you want to call it caring, you can.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘It is important that I’m honest with you, Cwen, in all things. I wouldn’t want to marry you under false pretences. Or have you become disappointed in me. But I know that Aud will never let you down. Like you, he hungers for someone to love.’
Saved by the Viking Warrior Page 16