“Quiet, mother! quiet, dear, dear mother” (for she clung to the known and tried goodness of her mother more than ever now), “that is all I want.” And she was left to the stillness of her darkened room, the blinds idly flapping to and fro in the soft evening breeze, and letting in the rustling sound of the branches which waved close to her window, and the thrush’s gurgling warble, and the distant hum of the busy town.
Her jealousy was gone — she knew not how or where. She might shun and recoil from Ruth, but she now thought that she could never more be jealous of her. In her pride of innocence, she felt almost ashamed that such a feeling could have had existence. Could Mr Farquhar hesitate between her own self and one who — No! she could not name what Ruth had been, even in thought. And yet he might never know, so fair a seeming did her rival wear. Oh! for one ray of God’s holy light to know what was seeming, and what was truth, in this traitorous hollow earth! It might be — she used to think such things possible, before sorrow had embittered her — that Ruth had worked her way through the deep purgatory of repentance up to something like purity again; God only knew! If her present goodness was real — if, after having striven back thus far on the heights, a fellow-woman was to throw her down into some terrible depth with her unkind, incontinent tongue, that would be too cruel! And yet, if — there was such woeful uncertainty and deceit somewhere — if Ruth — No! that Jemima, with noble candour, admitted was impossible. Whatever Ruth had been, she was good, and to be respected as such, now. It did not follow that Jemima was to preserve the secret always; she doubted her own power to do so, if Mr Farquhar came home again, and were still constant in his admiration of Mrs Denbigh, and if Mrs Denbigh gave him any — the least encouragement. But this last she thought, from what she knew of Ruth’s character, was impossible. Only, what was impossible after this afternoon’s discovery? At any rate, she would watch and wait. Come what might, Ruth was in her power. And, strange to say, this last certainty gave Jemima a kind of protecting, almost pitying, feeling for Ruth. Her horror at the wrong was not diminished; but the more she thought of the struggles that the wrong-doer must have made to extricate herself, the more she felt how cruel it would be to baffle all by revealing what had been. But for her sisters’ sake she had a duty to perform; she must watch Ruth. For her love’s sake she could not have helped watching; but she was too much stunned to recognise the force of her love, while duty seemed the only stable thing to cling to. For the present she would neither meddle nor mar in Ruth’s course of life.
CHAPTER XXVI
Mr Bradshaw’s Virtuous Indignation
So it was that Jemima no longer avoided Ruth, nor manifested by word or look the dislike which for a long time she had been scarce concealing. Ruth could not help noticing that Jemima always sought to be in her presence while she was at Mr Bradshaw’s house; either when daily teaching Mary and Elizabeth, or when she came as an occasional visitor with Mr and Miss Benson, or by herself. Up to this time Jemima had used no gentle skill to conceal the abruptness with which she would leave the room rather than that Ruth and she should be brought into contact — rather than that it should fall to her lot to entertain Ruth during any part of the evening. It was months since Jemima had left off sitting in the schoolroom, as had been her wont during the first few years of Ruth’s governess-ship. Now, each morning Miss Bradshaw seated herself at a little round table in the window, at her work, or at her writing; but whether she sewed, or wrote, or read, Ruth felt that she was always watching — watching. At first Ruth had welcomed all these changes in habit and behaviour, as giving her a chance, she thought, by some patient waiting or some opportune show of enduring, constant love, to regain her lost friend’s regard; but by-and-by the icy chillness, immovable and grey, struck more to her heart than many sudden words of unkindness could have done. They might be attributed to the hot impulses of a hasty temper — to the vehement anger of an accuser; but this measured manner was the conscious result of some deep-seated feeling; this cold sternness befitted the calm implacability of some severe judge. The watching, which Ruth felt was ever upon her, made her unconsciously shiver, as you would if you saw that the passionless eyes of the dead were visibly gazing upon you. Her very being shrivelled and parched up in Jemima’s presence, as if blown upon by a bitter, keen, east wind.
Jemima bent every power she possessed upon the one object of ascertaining what Ruth really was. Sometimes the strain was very painful; the constant tension made her soul weary; and she moaned aloud, and upbraided circumstance (she dared not go higher — to the Maker of circumstance) for having deprived her of her unsuspicious happy ignorance.
Things were in this state when Mr Richard Bradshaw came on his annual home visit. He was to remain another year in London, and then to return and be admitted into the firm. After he had been a week at home, he grew tired of the monotonous regularity of his father’s household, and began to complain of it to Jemima.
“I wish Farquhar were at home. Though he is such a stiff, quiet old fellow, his coming in in the evenings makes a change. What has become of the Millses? They used to drink tea with us sometimes, formerly.”
“Oh! papa and Mr Mills took opposite sides at the election, and we have never visited since. I don’t think they are any great loss.”
“Anybody is a loss — the stupidest bore that ever was would be a blessing, if he only would come in sometimes.”
“Mr and Miss Benson have drank tea here twice since you came.”
“Come, that’s capital! Apropos of stupid bores, you talk of the Bensons. I did not think you had so much discrimination, my little sister.”
Jemima looked up in surprise; and then reddened angrily.
“I never meant to say a word against Mr or Miss Benson, and that you know quite well, Dick.”
“Never mind! I won’t tell tales. They are stupid old fogeys, but they are better than nobody, especially as that handsome governess of the girls always comes with them to be looked at.”
There was a little pause; Richard broke it by saying:
“Do you know, Mimie, I’ve a notion, if she plays her cards well, she may hook Farquhar!”
“Who?” asked Jemima, shortly, though she knew quite well.
“Mrs Denbigh, to be sure. We were talking of her, you know. Farquhar asked me to dine with him at his hotel as he passed through town, and — I’d my own reasons for going and trying to creep up his sleeve — I wanted him to tip me, as he used to do.”
“For shame! Dick,” burst in Jemima.
“Well! well! not tip me exactly, but lend me some money. The governor keeps me so deucedly short.”
“Why! it was only yesterday, when my father was speaking about your expenses, and your allowance, I heard you say that you’d more than you knew how to spend.”
“Don’t you see that was the perfection of art? If my father had thought me extravagant, he would have kept me in with a tight rein; as it is, I’m in great hopes of a handsome addition, and I can tell you it’s needed. If my father had given me what I ought to have had at first, I should not have been driven to the speculations and messes I’ve got into.”
“What speculations? What messes?” asked Jemima, with anxious eagerness.
“Oh! messes was not the right word. Speculations hardly was; for they are sure to turn out well, and then I shall surprise my father with my riches.” He saw that he had gone a little too far in his confidence, and was trying to draw in.
“But, what do you mean? Do explain it to me.”
“Never you trouble your head about my business, my dear. Women can’t understand the share-market, and such things. Don’t think I’ve forgotten the awful blunders you made when you tried to read the state of the money-market aloud to my father, that night when he had lost his spectacles. What were we talking of? Oh! of Farquhar and pretty Mrs Denbigh. Yes! I soon found out that was the subject my gentleman liked me to dwell on. He did not talk about her much himself, but his eyes sparkled when I told him what enthusiastic letters Poll
y and Elizabeth wrote about her. How old d’ye think she is?”
“I know!” said Jemima. “At least, I heard her age spoken about, amongst other things, when first she came. She will be five-and-twenty this autumn.”
“And Farquhar is forty, if he is a day. She’s young, too, to have such a boy as Leonard; younger-looking, or full as young-looking as she is! I tell you what, Mimie, she looks younger than you. How old are you? Three-and-twenty, ain’t it?”
“Last March,” replied Jemima.
“You’ll have to make haste and pick up somebody, if you’re losing your good looks at this rate. Why, Jemima, I thought you had a good chance of Farquhar a year or two ago. How come you to have lost him? I’d far rather you’d had him than that proud, haughty Mrs Denbigh, who flashes her great grey eyes upon me if ever I dare to pay her a compliment. She ought to think it an honour that I take that much notice of her. Besides, Farquhar is rich, and it’s keeping the business of the firm in one’s own family; and if he marries Mrs Denbigh she will be sure to be wanting Leonard in when he’s of age, and I won’t have that. Have a try for Farquhar, Mimie! Ten to one it’s not too late. I wish I’d brought you a pink bonnet down. You go about so dowdy — so careless of how you look.”
“If Mr Farquhar has not liked me as I am,” said Jemima, choking, “I don’t want to owe him to a pink bonnet.”
“Nonsense! I don’t like to have my sisters’ governess stealing a march on my sister. I tell you Farquhar is worth trying for. If you’ll wear the pink bonnet I’ll give it you, and I’ll back you against Mrs Denbigh. I think you might have done something with ‘our member,’ as my father calls him, when you had him so long in the house. But, altogether, I should like Farquhar best for a brother-in-law. By the way, have you heard down here that Donne is going to be married? I heard of it in town, just before I left, from a man that was good authority. Some Sir Thomas Campbell’s seventh daughter: a girl without a penny; father ruined himself by gambling, and obliged to live abroad. But Donne is not a man to care for any obstacle, from all accounts, when once he has taken a fancy. It was love at first sight, they say. I believe he did not know of her existence a month ago.”
“No! we have not heard of it,” replied Jemima. “My father will like to know; tell it him;” continued she, as she was leaving the room, to be alone, in order to still her habitual agitation whenever she heard Mr Farquhar and Ruth coupled together.
Mr Farquhar came home the day before Richard Bradshaw left for town. He dropped in after tea at the Bradshaws’; he was evidently disappointed to see none but the family there, and looked round whenever the door opened.
“Look! look!” said Dick to his sister. “I wanted to make sure of his coming in to-night, to save me my father’s parting exhortations against the temptations of the world (as if I did not know much more of the world than he does!), so I used a spell I thought would prove efficacious; I told him that we should be by ourselves, with the exception of Mrs Denbigh, and look how he is expecting her to come in!”
Jemima did see; did understand. She understood, too, why certain packets were put carefully on one side, apart from the rest of the purchases of Swiss toys and jewellery, by which Mr Farquhar proved that none of Mr Bradshaw’s family had been forgotten by him during his absence. Before the end of the evening, she was very conscious that her sore heart had not forgotten how to be jealous. Her brother did not allow a word, a look, or an incident, which might be supposed on Mr Farquhar’s side to refer to Ruth, to pass unnoticed; he pointed out all to his sister, never dreaming of the torture he was inflicting, only anxious to prove his own extreme penetration. At length Jemima could stand it no longer, and left the room. She went into the schoolroom, where the shutters were not closed, as it only looked into the garden. She opened the window, to let the cool night air blow in on her hot cheeks. The clouds were hurrying over the moon’s face in a tempestuous and unstable manner, making all things seem unreal; now clear out in its bright light, now trembling and quivering in shadow. The pain at her heart seemed to make Jemima’s brain grow dull; she laid her head on her arms, which rested on the window-sill, and grew dizzy with the sick weary notion that the earth was wandering lawless and aimless through the heavens, where all seemed one tossed and whirling wrack of clouds. It was a waking nightmare, from the uneasy heaviness of which she was thankful to be roused by Dick’s entrance.
“What, you are here, are you? I have been looking everywhere for you. I wanted to ask you if you have any spare money you could lend me for a few weeks?”
“How much do you want?” asked Jemima, in a dull, hopeless voice.
“Oh! the more the better. But I should be glad of any trifle, I am kept so confoundedly short.”
When Jemima returned with her little store, even her careless, selfish brother was struck by the wanness of her face, lighted by the bed-candle she carried.
“Come, Mimie, don’t give it up. If I were you, I would have a good try against Mrs Denbigh. I’ll send you the bonnet as soon as ever I get back to town, and you pluck up a spirit, and I’ll back you against her even yet.”
It seemed to Jemima strange — and yet only a fitting part of this strange, chaotic world — to find that her brother, who was the last person to whom she could have given her confidence in her own family, and almost the last person of her acquaintance to whom she could look for real help and sympathy, should have been the only one to hit upon the secret of her love. And the idea passed away from his mind as quickly as all ideas not bearing upon his own self-interests did.
The night, the sleepless night, was so crowded and haunted by miserable images, that she longed for day; and when day came, with its stinging realities, she wearied and grew sick for the solitude of night. For the next week, she seemed to see and hear nothing but what confirmed the idea of Mr Farquhar’s decided attachment to Ruth. Even her mother spoke of it as a thing which was impending, and which she wondered how Mr Bradshaw would like; for his approval or disapproval was the standard by which she measured all things.
“Oh! merciful God,” prayed Jemima, in the dead silence of the night, “the strain is too great — I cannot bear it longer — my life — my love — the very essence of me, which is myself through time and eternity; and on the other side there is all-pitying Charity. If she had not been what she is — if she had shown any sign of triumph — any knowledge of her prize — if she had made any effort to gain his dear heart, I must have given way long ago, and taunted her, even if I did not tell others — taunted her, even though I sank down to the pit the next moment.
“The temptation is too strong for me. Oh Lord! where is Thy peace that I believed in, in my childhood? — that I hear people speaking of now, as if it hushed up the troubles of life, and had not to be sought for — sought for, as with tears of blood!”
There was no sound nor sight in answer to this wild imploring cry, which Jemima half thought must force out a sign from Heaven. But there was a dawn stealing on through the darkness of her night.
It was glorious weather for the end of August. The nights were as full of light as the days — everywhere, save in the low dusky meadows by the river-side, where the mists rose and blended the pale sky with the lands below. Unknowing of the care and trouble around them, Mary and Elizabeth exulted in the weather, and saw some new glory in every touch of the year’s decay. They were clamorous for an expedition to the hills, before the calm stillness of the autumn should be disturbed by storms. They gained permission to go on the next Wednesday — the next half-holiday. They had won their mother over to consent to a full holiday, but their father would not hear of it. Mrs Bradshaw had proposed an early dinner, but the idea was scouted at by the girls. What would the expedition be worth if they did not carry their dinners with them in baskets? Anything out of a basket, and eaten in the open air, was worth twenty times as much as the most sumptuous meal in the house. So the baskets were packed up, while Mrs Bradshaw wailed over probable colds to be caught from sitting on the damp ground. Rut
h and Leonard were to go; they four. Jemima had refused all invitations to make one of the party; and yet she had a half-sympathy with her sisters’ joy — a sort of longing, lingering look back to the time when she too would have revelled in the prospect that lay before them. They, too, would grow up, and suffer; though now they played, regardless of their doom.
The morning was bright and glorious; just cloud enough, as some one said, to make the distant plain look beautiful from the hills, with its floating shadows passing over the golden corn-fields. Leonard was to join them at twelve, when his lessons with Mr Benson, and the girls’ with their masters, should be over. Ruth took off her bonnet, and folded her shawl with her usual dainty, careful neatness, and laid them aside in a corner of the room to be in readiness. She tried to forget the pleasure she always anticipated from a long walk towards the hills, while the morning’s work went on; but she showed enough of sympathy to make the girls cling round her with many a caress of joyous love. Everything was beautiful in their eyes; from the shadows of the quivering leaves on the wall to the glittering beads of dew, not yet absorbed by the sun, which decked the gossamer web in the vine outside the window. Eleven o’clock struck. The Latin master went away, wondering much at the radiant faces of his pupils, and thinking that it was only very young people who could take such pleasure in the “Delectus.” Ruth said, “Now, do let us try to be very steady this next hour,” and Mary pulled back Ruth’s head, and gave the pretty budding mouth a kiss. They sat down to work, while Mrs Denbigh read aloud. A fresh sun-gleam burst into the room, and they looked at each other with glad, anticipating eyes.
Jemima came in, ostensibly to seek for a book, but really from that sort of restless weariness of any one place or employment, which had taken possession of her since Mr Farquhar’s return. She stood before the bookcase in the recess, languidly passing over the titles in search of the one she wanted. Ruth’s voice lost a tone or two of its peacefulness, and her eyes looked more dim and anxious at Jemima’s presence. She wondered in her heart if she dared to ask Miss Bradshaw to accompany them in their expedition. Eighteen months ago she would have urged it on her friend with soft, loving entreaty; now she was afraid even to propose it as a hard possibility; everything she did or said was taken so wrongly — seemed to add to the old dislike, or the later stony contempt with which Miss Bradshaw had regarded her. While they were in this way Mr Bradshaw came into the room. His entrance — his being at home at all at this time — was so unusual a thing, that the reading was instantly stopped; and all four involuntarily looked at him, as if expecting some explanation of his unusual proceeding.
Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth Gaskell Page 102