Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  ''Sure, my home is yours.''

  She kissed my cheeks and left Remy and I alone. The house was silent. We seemed to have lost the ability to speak to one another, we were both grief-stricken and our previous easy friendship seemed incredibly strained.

  ''Is it okay if I stay here for a couple of days?'' he asked.

  ''Sure. I want you to stay here. I don't really want to be alone.''

  ''I know this isn't what we had planned and I'm sorry. Avery... Avery, I...'' He looked at me, his eyes brimming with tears. ''I wish I was the one who was dead. You guys had so many things left to do. I’m so sorry.''

  ''Don't ever say that again. Nobody deserves to die. Not you, not him, but this is what our life is about. Constant danger. I wish he was still here, I miss him now and I always will. I was so excited to see him, touch him, kiss him,'' I cried angrily. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. ''But he died. He died doing something he loved. I'll never doubt his love for me, what we had was real. I just need time, Remy. I will be okay.''

  ''You are so fucking strong. I just want to drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and forget I exist for a day. I feel this constant pain in my chest.''

  ''I feel it too.'' I took his hands in mine and placed them over my heart. ''I feel it too.''

  He drew me into his arms and we both cried. I was tired of crying but I was heartbroken and it felt better when I let the emotions go. Remy kissed my hair like he always did before this happened. He was not my Carter, but it felt good to be with him. He was a dear friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

  I tried as hard as possible not to think about the funeral, but I knew what was coming. I had been to two of them in the past. I couldn’t believe they were going to conduct a military funeral for my husband and they were going to fold the flag of the United States and give it to me. There was no way I could wrap my head around that. My mind wasn't ready to process this, not today.

  ''We’re going to get through this together, Remy, okay?''

  ''Of course. I'll get everything ready. I'll take care of everything.'' He pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. ''I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me Ave.''

  ''I do.'' I cried harder. There was no reason for me not to forgive him.

  ''Thank you, you make my life a little more bearable.''

  ~~~*~~~

  I had been sitting on the couch for a very long time, when Remy brought me a hot cup of tea.

  ''Thank you.'' I whispered. ''How are you feeling now?''

  He hunched his shoulders. ''It's a fucking nightmare, he died in my arms. He was saying how much he loved you and he died. I have that constantly repeating in my mind. I’m not sure I'm ever going to get over this.''

  ''I'm here for you. We’ll get through this, but most importantly, you have to give yourself time. You need to grieve, like I do. Talk to me, tell me what's going on.''

  ''Ave, your husband died and you're here caring for me. It should be the other way around.''

  ''I'm trying to be there for you and get through this myself. I'm not even sure how to do it but I'm really hoping that I'll do okay.''

  I had been in Remy's shoes before. I had seen close friends die and because of that, I could relate to his pain. Remy was having a hard time dealing with his emotions, I could tell. But the way I was feeling was so completely consuming - my heart ached so dreadfully and my body was numb with shock.

  Remy left the room in tears, obviously wanting to be alone. The front door was opened and quietly closed. He'd left.

  I drank his cup of honey tea and suddenly felt very tired again. I laid on the couch with rivers of tears slowly sliding down my cheeks. To my surprise, I found myself praying that Carter was in heaven protecting us. He deserved to be.

  18.

  December 22nd, 2007

  Megan

  I felt bad, because today was a good day for me. My husband had come home safely.

  Avery wasn't so lucky and it broke my heart. All the hopes and dreams she had shared with me. All the things she'd wished for were gone. She would never get to be the mother of Carter's child. Worse still, Ave would have to stand before the coffin of her beloved husband and say goodbye one last time. It was devastating.

  Christmas was a few days away and I knew it was probably going to be impossible, but I wanted it to be a good day for her. Weeks ago, I'd received a parcel from Carter, he'd purchased an eternity ring for Avery. It was a beautiful piece of jewelry and it was the last gift Avery would ever receive from him. I knew I had to give it to her, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to do it in front of everybody. I thought I should give it to her when we were alone, just the two of us. I knew she'd be very emotional.

  I wrapped the small black velvet box and added a small note to the outside of the gift.

  Carter ordered this Christmas gift for you. I'm sorry I have to be the one giving it to you, but know that he really loved you. Megan xx

  I had tears in my eyes. This was a rough day, not at all what I'd expected when I got up this morning.

  ''Juliet is finally asleep.'' Patrick startled me when he walked into the room.

  ''Oh! Thank you!'' I wiped my tears away.

  ''Are you okay sweetie?''

  I didn’t know if I was okay, to be honest. I felt bad for being allowed to have my husband back. ''I'll be fine. How are you, sweets? You've been through a lot too.''

  He remained silent but I could see sadness peeking through his eyes. ''I'll never forget that day, it was a real nightmare.''

  I rushed to Patrick and circled my arms around him. He didn’t cry but he held me tight for a very long time. ''I’m so happy to be home with my girls," he said. "So happy!'' he repeated.

  I took a moment to silently thank every angel watching over us. Even if he was away most of the time, I couldn’t imagine my life without Patrick. Just the thought of something happening to him, froze my heart. How awful it would be, to have to tell Juliet her father had died serving his country.

  ''Remy's going to need us, just as much as Avery. I've never seen a man in such pain before. I can't get the images out of my mind. Remy begged Carter to stay alive, even when we could all see he was gone. The look on his face was something I'll never forget. I think I should keep an eye on him, okay?''

  ''Of course, sweetheart.'' I kissed him again, before he grabbed a bottle of water and was out the door.

  I stayed immobile for a few seconds, trying to think of what to do next. I didn’t know. I couldn’t leave the house while Juliet was sleeping. I went to her room and watched her for a few minutes. She was a beautiful little girl and looking at her made me so emotional. Juliet always brought a smile to Avery's lips. They'd grown really close, sharing a relationship which resembled an aunt and her niece. Feeling particularly emotional, I picked my daughter out of her bed and walked to my own bed and napped with her in my arms. This wasn’t something I did very often and yet, it felt so good.

  ~~~*~~~

  ''Mommy, are we going to see Avery?'' Juliet's voice was soft in my ear. She tried her hardest to whisper, but it was still a bit too loud.

  I woke up to a sweet little green-eyed girl, jumping on the bed. The smile on her face was contagious and I smiled back.

  ''We’ll see her later, okay?''

  She nodded and continued jumping up and down. I had lost track of time. The sun was almost completely down and Patrick didn’t appear to be home yet. Juliet's giggles made me smile again, she'd given up on jumping and was hiding under the sheets. I started tickling her and she shrieked in delight, begging me to stop. I loved moments like these. Life was so beautiful around Juliet. Her innocence and joyful spirit were all it took to make me smile. I joined her under the sheets and it reminded me of when I was a young girl and built castles out of bed sheets and chairs, creating furniture from the couch cushions.

  ''I love you, my beautiful little girl.''

  She smiled and gave me a big wet kiss. ''I love you, Mommy.''

 
I thought about going to see how Avery was doing. Her life had taken a turn for the worst today. She needed me, and maybe even needed Juliet. ''Do you want to go to Avery's place?''

  ''YES!'' she exclaimed.

  I knew that eventually, my daughter would ask questions about the sadness which haunted Avery and I would have to find the right words to explain the situation, without worrying Juliet about her father. Anxiety wasn't something I wanted her to deal with every time her father left. She didn’t deserve it and she was still very young to be dealing with death.

  I finally got out of the bed, Juliet following closely behind. She filled her small backpack with toys and we walked out of the door. A few short minutes later, we were standing on Avery's front porch, and I heard voices coming from the back of the house which were very familiar. Patrick was talking to Remy and the conversation seemed to be one-sided. From what I could hear, Patrick was trying to convince Remy that Carter's death wasn't his fault. Remy was extremely quiet, but the few words he did speak were filled with pain and hurt. His voice sounded broken and rusty. The poor man couldn't stop crying, he was mourning his best friend and unfortunately, seemed to feel responsible for his death.

  Before Juliet noticed that I was eavesdropping, I hurriedly opened the door and we walked inside.

  The house was dark and quiet. I turned on the lights in the kitchen and installed Juliet at the table with her pencils and coloring books. I gave her a small box of apple juice and a few crackers to snack on.

  I assumed Ave was in the bedroom, but when I turned on the small lamp in the living room, I saw her lying on the couch, sound asleep. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were pale. She looked exhausted and dehydrated. I feared she was going to make herself ill if she continued this way. My friend needed me desperately, we had spent the last several months building our friendship, and I knew her very well. We'd shared good and bad days, and it seemed like it was my responsibility to try and help her back onto her feet. She was far away from her family, and she only had me and Remy right now. A plan was needed. I couldn't ask her to start planning for her future, obviously, but I needed to help her get to a point where she believed she had a future. We had a long road ahead of us, with a lot of ups and downs. I was ready to face it, I wanted to help her fight her demons and overcome the grief she was swamped by.

  Patrick was going to leave again, no dates were confirmed yet, but when he did, I would be able to concentrate on Avery. For now, I had to enjoy what time I had with my man and juggle with helping Avery where I could. Patrick was going to be away for a few days after Christmas, one week from now. I could work out a plan then.

  Avery needed to cry. Her heart was not only broken, but I was sure she felt it had been torn out of her chest. It was the first step in mourning the passing of the love of her life.

  She was waking up slowly. I brushed the loose hair away from her face. She smiled when she saw me and that meant a lot. I didn't want to be a burden on her, I was here to help, to help her deal with her sadness.

  "How long have you been staring at me?" she asked, her voice husky. She managed a small smile. "It's kind of creepy."

  We laughed together for a second, then her laugh transformed into sobs. I wrapped my arms around her and refused to let her go until she was calm again. My eyes were swimming with unshed tears. I had to stay strong for her. It would have been a lot easier to cry with her, it would have made me feel better, but I didn't think it would help Avery. I had to try and keep it together.

  ''I’m sick of crying, Megan. I hurt... I hurt so badly, but crying over it make me think I'm being weak.''

  Ave was obviously overwhelmed by her emotions and I chose my words carefully. ''You're a strong woman, Avery. I've watched you for months now, you've fought all your fears and you've become this beautiful, strong woman. That will never change. But today, a part of your life has ended and it's okay to cry. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t need to cry. It doesn't make you weak, it simply shows how much love you have for Carter. He will always be in your heart Avery. Always.''

  ''I still can't believe I didn’t get to say goodbye one last time.''

  ''Honey, there are no final goodbyes which would prepare you for this. Nobody wants to say goodbye for the last time. Think about it. The last time you talked to him, it was full of love and it was a natural, normal conversation between you. It reflected who you guys were and it's how it should have been. You wouldn’t want to remember a final goodbye with all the sadness that it involves. Remember how wonderful you guys were together, focus on the good times. I'm certain he's watching over you now and he's proud of who you are. Give yourself a break, you're allowed to cry and be hurt.''

  ''Thank you, I know you're right.'' Avery wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. ''We were really happy together and it's the best memory I can ask for. I just miss him terribly and knowing that I won't be seeing him again is unbearable.''

  ''I know, Avery. That's why I'm here. I'm here to support you through this. We'll work through it together.''

  ''Where's Remy? Is he gone?'' Avery asked anxiously.

  ''He's outside, talking to Pat. You see, he got to have one last goodbye and he's struggling with it at the moment. Patrick is trying to talk him through it.''

  ''It's not fair...'' she sighed. ''I'm so worried about him.''

  ''He'll need time, just like you will, but he'll be okay.''

  Avery nodded and her eyes dropped to her hands. She remained silent, her eyes focused on her wedding ring. I rubbed her back gently.

  ''Are you hungry, do you want something to eat? Soup, maybe?''

  ''Yeah, okay... maybe I should try to eat something.''

  We got up together and she led the way into the kitchen where Juliet was quietly drawing and drinking her juice.

  As soon as she saw Avery, Juliet jumped into her arms and brought a smile to Avery's face. There was something special about my child, with her ability to make people smile. It made me the proudest mom in the world. Ave danced Juliet around the room, singing the theme song of Sesame Street. Both of them were singing and smiling and for the first time, I thought the old Avery might recover from her grief eventually.

  Juliet was back on her feet but still singing loudly. Avery was watching and the smile remained on her face. It was good to see her like this, after the day she'd had.

  Patrick and Remy finally came back in the house. Both guys had bloodshot eyes and running noses. It seemed a lot had been discussed outside. I gave my husband a kiss and took him into my arms. He'd been there too, he needed my support just as much as Avery and Remy. He had lost a good friend too. I knew Carter pretty well, but I didn’t have time to deal with my sadness. It was nothing compared to theirs.

  Patrick held me in his arms, so tightly, that it was a struggle to breathe. ''I love you Megan and I'm happy to be back alive,'' he murmured in my ear. ''I love you, so much,'' he repeated.

  I pressed my lips against his neck, and kissed him repeatedly. ''I love you, Patrick.'' I had missed the warmth of his body and the joy of him touching me.

  ''Daddy?'' Juliet wanted her father's attention. He crouched to her level and she jumped into his arms.

  When I looked up, Avery and Remy were staring at one another. I wasn't sure what was happening between them, but they almost seemed to be having a telepathic conversation with each other. Remy slowly closed the gap between them, until they were only inches apart. Their eyes were connected, and I wondered who would be the first to look away. The intensity of their gazes was palpable. Patrick entwined his fingers with mine and drew me out of the room, giving them privacy.

  ''What's going on?'' I asked Patrick. ''Did you see that?''

  He looked down at me his expression serious. ''Megan... Sweetie, they're really good friends and right now, they need time together. Remy feels responsible for Carter's death, but I was there too, and I know we got caught out by the shooter. We were there together. I've spent three hours talking to Remy about Carter's las
t seconds and trying to convince him there was nothing he could have done differently. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Remy is afraid that when Avery gets over her initial grief, she'll blame Remy for not watching over Carter. He's frightened she'll end up hating him. Remy cares a lot about Avery and he can't stand the thought that he might lose her, too.''

  I considered his words. ''Yeah, it's obvious she cares about him, too. But I'm sure Avery would never blame Remy for what happened.''

  Juliet had remained in the kitchen but I didn't think it was a problem. She was back to coloring her princesses in her drawing book. I was trying to surreptitiously listen to what Remy and Avery were saying, but I couldn’t catch a word of their conversation.

  The looks on their faces had me confused. It seemed like so much more than a mere friendship. I couldn’t explain it exactly. They were like two lost souls, two good friends; who shared one hell of a strong connection.

  19.

  December 24th, 2007

  Avery

  I held the folded flag in my hands while Remy drove us back to my place. It was a beautiful ceremony that did justice to the man Carter was. The sound of the Butterfield's lullaby haunted my mind. The music was playing in my head non-stop. It hit me when I realized that they had played the song for my husband. I knew he was gone, but it had only just clicked in my head. His time with me had ended.

  The short ride home was quiet. Remy was dressed into his service uniform. He had been quiet during the whole ceremony. He cried in silence while I cried uncontrollably. Megan stood by me the whole time. She had managed to find someone to watch over Juliet. I felt bad that she had to go through this and I thanked her many times for her support.

  Megan and Patrick were following us home. We had planned a brunch after the ceremony. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to eat but I wanted to try.

  This chapter of my life had abruptly ended, I was ready to start a new one. I was drained emotionally, but I was surrounded by good people and they were all willing to help me.