Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  ''I had a rough morning, nothing to be worried about.''

  ''You can talk to me, you know that right?''

  I wanted to smile but I didn’t. ''I know, girl, but I think you've got enough on your plate right now.''

  ''I do.'' She answered and placed her hand over my arm. ''But we're in this together, Remy. It was always the three of us, and now it's the two of us. You and me.'' Her voice was breaking with emotion.

  ''I hate myself for kissing you.'' The words came tumbling out without me meaning to say them.

  ''Don't... It was just a kiss... nothing more... and it wasn't even on the lips.''

  ''You know Cart...''

  She cut me off, before I could say his name fully. ''I know... I know... but I don't want you to hate yourself over it. We're dealing with a lot right now. Our emotions are...''

  ''All over the fucking place.'' I took a sip of my coffee and almost burnt my lips.

  ''Right!'' She squeezed my arm. ''Call me selfish if you want, but I want to try and have a good Christmas. I’m not saying I'll succeed, but I’m willing to try.''

  ''You're not selfish for trying to be happy, it's the way to go, girl.'' I promised myself I would try too. We were so looking forward to this day when we were in Iraq. All I could do was try to enjoy the day, and keep Cart in my thoughts and heart.

  Megan, Juliet and Patrick came in. Megan had her hands full, so I rushed to help her out. Juliet was already in Avery's arms. They looked cute together. Megan had prepared pies and a sangria. It wasn't exactly my type of drink, but it looked good.

  Despite only being four adults and a child, we had enough food for at least ten people. We were all going to eat leftovers for a week. I peeked into the oven and the turkey was slowly roasting. It smelled so good, it made my stomach sing.

  Patrick looked at me with a query in his eyes, and I knew he was going to ask questions later. He wouldn’t do it in front of the girls, but my state of mind obviously had him worried. I tried to warn him to let it go, but I knew he wouldn’t.

  I placed my gift to Avery under the Christmas tree. She had already placed hers; they were perfectly wrapped. She'd done a great job decorating the house, I could really feel the holiday spirit. Megan and Juliet were looking at the gifts under the tree. I had seen a lot of poverty around the world, so being here today made me feel both lucky and grateful.

  While the girls were taking care of the food, Patrick cornered me in the living room and asked me questions. I told him what happened at my place. I had nothing to hide and I didn’t want him to dig any further. He strongly suggested I keep taking my stress disorder medication and that I stop drinking. I hated to admit it, but he was right. I hadn’t taken the medication since my return and it was probably affecting me already. Drinking myself into oblivion wasn't a solution and I knew better than this.

  I loved being in the Special Forces, but I was thinking about quitting. I had to submit a letter requesting a release from duty. The process was slow, but deep down, I knew I had to get out and start living a life where my existence wasn’t being threatened. I expected to be deployed one last time; hopefully it wouldn’t be another long deployment, but it wasn't something I had any control over.

  To get all the papers signed by the Defence Force hierarchy, was going to take time, I had to be patient.

  Once I was done with all the thinking, I joined them in the kitchen and offered my help.

  ''Let the women take care of the food. You guys can take care of the music and relax for a while,'' Avery said.

  ''Are you sure, girl?'' They seemed to have a lot of preparation to take care of.

  ''Yes, soldier. Today is your day, you're welcome back dinner.''

  ''It's also Christmas, you girls need to celebrate,'' Patrick added.

  ''We will. You guys are in charge of the dishes.''

  We were screwed. There was going to be a lot of dishes. Maybe we were relaxing now, but we wouldn’t be after dinner.

  21.

  December 25th, 2007

  Avery

  The morning had started in a strange way. Waking up next to Remy and his subsequent kiss really freaked me out at first, but we’re going through too much right now. I decided not to concentrate on any of it today. The house was filled with all the yummy scents of Christmas and most of the food was nearly ready for dinner. I felt blessed to be with such good company, they helped me find my holiday spirit, just like back home when I was a kid. Surprisingly, I even smiled a couple of times.

  It was almost like I could feel Carter with me, as if he was following me around the house. It was a strange sensation, but I loved it. I could almost feel his breath on the back of my neck and it startled me a couple of times. Maybe it was only the fruits of my imagination, but at this point, I didn’t mind because it made me happy.

  We were having a serious conversation about education, when my phone rang. It wasn't a sound I was used to hearing. Other than Cart or Remy, I never received any calls. On the third ring, I answered and was surprised to hear my mother's voice.

  ''Merry Christmas, Avery.''

  "Mom?"

  "Yes." Her voice was subdued and timid. "How are you and Carter doing?" She had no clue.

  "There's no more Carter, Mom, it's just me now." Despite the fact I had all the reason in the world to cry, I didn’t. With my mother, I had learned to control my emotions. She had a bit of a cold heart.

  "What do you mean, it's just you?" I heard anxiety rising in the tone of her voice.

  "Well... he.... he died few days ago." There was no way I was ever going to get used to this. It was so painful.

  I was holding the phone tightly, but Mom remained silent at the other end of the line. Remy came into the kitchen and saw the distress in my eyes. He took the phone out of my hand and walked out of the kitchen. I heard him confirming Carter's death and I also heard him say today wasn't a good time to catch up. He was protecting me from my mother. We hadn't talked since the day she decided to miss my wedding ceremony. It was a really lame decision on my parents’ behalf and it had hurt me a lot. I tried to brush the moment away from my mind, even though Remy's loud voice was discernible in the kitchen.

  Megan tried her hardest to keep the conversation going around the table, keeping me occupied. When Remy came back, he winked and told me Mom was waiting for my call when I was ready.

  "What did you tell her?"

  "Everything she needed to know. She took it hard and definitely regrets not coming here last July.''

  I rolled my eyes, it was too late for Mom to apologise anyway. Juliet came over to me and sat on my lap. She looked tired and leaned her head against my chest, ready to fall asleep. I was certain she could sense my emotions, because every time I felt sad, she was coming to me and her presence made everything better.

  I kept her in my arms instead of putting her in bed. She was the cutest kid and I really enjoyed having her with me.

  The afternoon flew by. We talked and played cards. When the turkey was finally ready, we warmed up the other dishes, which included mashed potatoes, salads, gravy and stuffing. It looked so good, my stomach was growling, begging for food.

  We girls sat down while the men got everything onto the table. After all the work we had done preparing the food, it's the least they could do, right? Megan asked to say grace, and I agreed. I was never really good with it, could never find the right words.

  ''God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for our food. Amen.'' I expected something longer, but in the end, it said everything it needed to. Each of us repeated ''Amen'' and started eating before the food got cold.

  We ate in complete silence. The turkey was delicious, juicy and full of flavor. Remy closed his eyes as he took his first bite. "Amen", he said, with his mouth full. I looked at him and Patrick and all I could think was that I was so thankful to have them back home. They were with Carter when the attack occurred, they could have been hurt too.

  I finished my mouthful, and took a sip of my wine. ''I
would like to add that I’m happy to have Patrick and Remy with us at home. Things went badly, but it could have been worse. I think we should be grateful to have you both here in one piece.'' Megan added her agreement. ''May Carter rest in peace.''

  Remy squeezed my forearm lightly under the table, he didn’t have to say anything because I knew exactly how he felt. The gesture meant he was here to support me and to thank me for not rejecting him. It was one of his fears.

  I ate two servings of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy. My appetite was back or maybe I was just greedy today. It felt good, even though my stomach was too full. My vision was getting blurry with all the wine I had consumed. The desserts were sitting on the counter, they all seemed delicious, but I couldn’t consider eating just one more bite. It would have to wait.

  The men had three full plates each and both of them stared at the desserts. It made me laugh, they were hungry beyond reason.

  ''Mommy, can we open our gifts now?'' Juliet asked. She had sent a letter to Santa Claus at the beginning of December and had her photo taken with him a week later. Megan kept reminding her that Santa Claus would bring her gifts if she was being a good girl. In my opinion, she was the sweetest kid in the world, but I was just biased.

  ''Shall we?'' Megan asked.

  ''Sure,'' I answered.

  We all got up from the table and found seats in the living room. Remy sat next to me, leaving the biggest couch for Patrick, Megan and Juliet. Megan took the first present from under the tree. It was a very small box and she handed it to me. I looked at the tiny gift and read the tag. 'To Avery, from Carter'. I met Megan's gaze, not knowing what it meant.

  ''Carter purchased this for you a while ago, and had it delivered to our house. He meant to give it to you for Christmas,” Patrick explained.

  I tore off the wrapping paper and found a black leather box inside. I opened it and discovered a beautiful eternity ring, decorated with purple amethysts. I remembered trying one on when we were shopping for our wedding rings. I'd loved it and Carter had obviously decided to get it for me after all. I smiled and my lip trembled. Carter was so thoughtful and loving. This ring was the best thing he could have given me, ensuring he will spend eternity with me, always.

  The first present was very emotional for everyone, but we lightened the mood with a pair of 'Hello Kitty' pajamas for Juliet. She insisted on putting them on right away, and we couldn’t refuse her. We exchanged gifts for a little less than an hour. Remy gave me a necklace with an angel pendant hanging from it. I was left speechless. It was a really nice gift and he had obviously put a lot of thought into it. The last present under the tree was the bracelet I had bought for Carter. He would never have the chance to wear it and I would never have the opportunity to see him wearing it.

  ''Here, Remy, take this one. I want you to have it.'' I pointed to the small gift.

  He took the rectangular box from under the tree and read the tag. ''Girl, I can't do this. It's not mine.'' He handed me the wrapped bracelet and I repeated my desire for him to have it.

  He tore off the paper and opened the box. ''He would have loved it. I certainly do.'' He placed it around his left wrist and it fit perfectly. ''Thank you, Avery.''

  I left them talking in the living room and went into the kitchen to prepare coffee to drink with the dessert. The music in the living room got a little louder, Michael Bublé was singing, he had a charming voice and I really enjoyed his Christmas album. Once I'd finished preparing the coffee, I walked back to the living room and found Megan and Patrick dancing together. Juliet was dancing with Remy, her giggling had brought a smile to his face. She was magical, such a free spirit for her young age.

  ''Come dance with us, Ave.'' Juliet invited me and I took her small hand into mine.

  Dancing wasn't my thing, but as usual, I couldn’t refuse her. Remy offered me his hand and I accepted it. Juliet suddenly left us and went across to her parents. My face was only inches away from Remy's. Our hands were connected and his eyes were seeking mine. I tried to avoid it for as long as possible, but I knew it was only a matter of seconds before our eyes would connect. This was just another awkward moment.

  When my eyes met his, I saw he was embarrassed. A hint of red colored his cheeks. We'd shared a dance on my wedding day, but for some obvious reasons, everything was different back then. The barrier Carter used to project was gone and strangely, it seemed to make a whole lot of difference.

  We shared the dance and went our separate ways at the end of the song. I went back to the coffee machine and my hands shook. I murmured Carter's name a few times, not knowing what was going on. I missed him, so much and my love for him was never going to die, but there was a very unusual connection between Remy and I. Something which didn’t use to exist was now apparent.

  I played with my new ring, rubbing it between my index finger and thumb. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour. This day was supposed to be fun, I reminded myself. I had to remain strong and enjoy myself. Maybe I was just imagining things, maybe there was nothing going on between Remy and I. My emotions had been all over the place since I found out Carter had died. I decided to give myself a break from stressing. I took a few deep breaths and got the cups out of the cabinets.

  Everything was going to be okay.

  22.

  December 27th, 2007

  Remy

  I left Avery's house early on the 26th and haven’t heard from her since then. I should probably stop by this morning. Christmas had been a day full of surprises and unexpected emotions. I could tell she was having a hard time, I was too.

  On the 26th, I spent the day doing my laundry, cleaning the house and grocery shopping. I preferred staying at Avery's, even if I was sleeping on the couch, but she needed space. She had been through a lot and I knew yesterday was her first day on her own. It's good to have people around but it's also good to be left alone sometimes. Avery needed time to grieve over Carter's death on her own.

  Carter often mentioned how strong-willed she was and I knew he was right.

  I was in a difficult situation, because I knew he would want me to care for her and make sure she was doing okay. He asked me to care for her during his last moments. I wanted to do it for him, but there were complications. I didn’t know how to deal with them. I knew what I wanted, I had always known, but the timing was terribly wrong.

  I decided to go to the gym and train. Working up a sweat was exactly what I needed. Never in my life had I faced something like this. I was a fucked-up mess. I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was having a rough time sleeping because of the nightmares and an increased level of stress. This wasn't an ideal situation, not exactly what I had planned. One thing was certain, I missed Carter like crazy. I was talking to him in my mind, trying to understand everything which was going on. While I wished I could hear him yelling at me, telling me I was a fucking idiot, I didn’t hear anything. I had a huge void in my chest and it only made me angrier. Strangely, I had gotten closer to Avery and it was wrong, I knew it was. Things would be a lot simpler if I was able to control my emotions.

  I ran on the treadmill for a very long time. My legs were aching and my heart urged me to stop, which I did shortly after hitting nineteen miles. I needed water, I had drunk all of my bottle midway through the run. My body begged me to stop but I ignored every signal. My vision was blurry and I thought I'd probably gotten sweat in my eyes. I lay on the bench press and started lifting weights. The muscles in my arms were stiff but I continued to push myself. The harder I worked, the less angry I felt. My only desire was to feel at peace for a minute. After I was done with my arms, I lay on a floor mat and started a set of sit ups, alternating with push-ups. I felt the moment of peace approaching when I had black dots appearing in my already blurred vision.

  ''Taylor! Wake up!'' Someone called to me. I couldn’t recognize the voice and I couldn’t open my eyes either.

  ''Nurse, is...'' I never heard the end of that sentence.

  My body and mind were
so exhausted. I couldn’t move even if I tried. Sleeping was the only thing I wanted to do.

  ~~~*~~~

  ''Remy?'' I knew who it was, Avery's voice sounded so angelic. ''It's been twelve hours now, Patrick. Is this normal?''

  ''He's been under too much stress, Ave, give him some time. He's going through a nervous breakdown. His eyes have seen too much.''

  ''I know... I know...'' Avery said sadly. She knew what it was like from her past experiences.

  I could feel soft light against my eyelids. I opened my eyes very slowly, and found the light was causing discomfort.

  ''Turn the light off.'' My voice was raspy and harsh.

  ''Remy, you're awake!'' It wasn't really a question. She sounded so happy.

  ''The light, please?'' I repeated.

  ''Yes, yes... I'm sorry.'' She turned it off and I tried to open my eyes wider in the suddenly darker room.

  ''What the hell happened?'' I closed my eyes and remembered the dream I'd had about the attacks. Cart had been shot, but he was still standing and looking at me. I was freaking out and he was calm, so very calm. He didn’t look angry, or in pain, he just watched me and nodded approvingly. ''I'm doing everything wrong, Carter... what about Avery?'' He looked at me with such intensity and pressed his hand over his heart. ''Follow my heart?'' I asked him, and he nodded one last time. There was no way this was right; I was dreaming, I really was. The dream darkened and faded away, until it was pitch black all around me. That’s all I could remember. ''Where am I?''

  ''You're at the hospital. You passed out in the gym. William saw you faint and he called Patrick. Megan called me.'' She sighed. ''So, that's why I'm here.''

  ''Thank you... thank you for coming. Can I go home now?'' I asked hopelessly. I didn’t like this place, the odor of hand sanitizer, the cold air wafting through the vents, the nurses taking notes on my vitals. I hated this so much.

  ''You need to meet with the doctor first. They're going to prescribe you some medication.''