by Jude Ouvrard
''I don't want this, Avery. I don't need...'' I struggled to sit up, but Avery interrupted before I could continue, pushing me firmly back on the bed.
''Soldier, you need to chill out or I'm leaving. Patrick too. The doctor will see you soon, just be patient.''
I was mad, but not at her. How could I be, when she was being so caring?
We waited for over an hour, then Patrick had to leave. It was just the two of us for about another forty-five minutes before the doctor strolled in. I could barely keep my eyes opened, I was numb and it felt like I didn’t even belong in my own body. It was the strangest feeling ever. They'd probably given me something to calm me down or something. Doctor Millen walked in, she was a well-known doctor around the base. She knew pretty much every different medical situation or crisis a soldier could go through, and her reputation at Fort Bragg was outstanding.
''Remy Taylor.'' She read my name from the file and continued reading further through the documents. ''You're already taking medication for a stress disorder, is that correct?''
''Yes, doctor.''
''I've been informed that you recently witnessed the death of one of your fellow soldiers.'' It sounded like a question, but I think she was simple repeating the facts. She wrote out a prescription and explained briefly what the changes to my medication would be. Basically, I was being given an extra dosage for a short period of time, in hopes it would settle some of my emotional issues. These medications played with my brain, I didn’t like taking them. I knew they were making me feel better, but they weren't good for my physical health. I knew it and could feel the difference. Before she left, Doctor Millen informed me the adjustment of medication might cause side effects, such as dizziness or fatigue. More proof these things were not good for the body.
Avery took the prescription and helped me up. While I sat on the bed, she got my clothes and gave me privacy for a couple of minutes. When she returned, I was dressed and ready to go home. We walked slowly through the long halls and by the time we made it to her car, I was out of breath. I wasn't sure where she was driving me to, her place or mine. I doubted she was going to like the idea of me being alone at my place. I hoped she was going to drive us to her place, she had an extra bedroom and I was certain this would be her plan. I waited patiently to find out and let her drive, it wasn't very far.
''I think it would be safer if you stay with me for a while, what do you think?''
I tried my hardest not to smile, discovering I was right. I know her too well, she cared about me and she always did. ''Yeah, I think I like that idea.'' I answered. ''But I don't want you to worry about me, I'll be fine now. I just trained too hard, I was being a jackass.''
''Its fine, Remy. But I want you to tell me something. While you were sleeping, you kept saying Carter's name. You repeated it, at least ten times.''
Shit. I didn’t know what to tell her but I also didn’t want to lie. Lying to her wasn't an option. I had never lied to her in the past, I didn’t want to start today. ''He was in my dream. He was quiet, but he kind of told me it was okay if I wanted to take care of you. I think he wants you to be happy again.'' She parked the car in her driveway and remained silent. She was looking out the window, avoiding looking at me. ''He didn’t look in pain or sad, he was alright, he looked fine.'' I was still unsure about the dream or the meaning behind it. ''I don't know what to make of it, Ave, it was a dream but it seemed so real.''
''You guys were the closest friends ever. You couldn’t live a day without seeing each other, so I’m sure he was trying to reach you and this was his way of doing it. Carter was never a guy who would talk much, if he was quiet and yet, you still understood what he wanted to say, I think it was real.''
Her words hit me in the gut, she was right when she described Cart. He rarely spoke to me about his personal life with Avery. He couldn’t stop telling me how much he loved her and how beautiful he thought she was, but he kept details of his love life to himself, like most men do. His moods were normally the only way to know if something was wrong. ''Maybe he was really there. I still don't know what to think.''
She got out of the car, walking to the front door and waiting for me. The pain in my legs as I got out of the car was excruciating. I just wanted to go back to bed and wake up when the lactic acid had dissipated from my system. I walked slowly and tried not to wince too much.
''Hmmm... Look... I... just go straight to the guest room, don't look around,'' she requested, sounding embarrassed. I nodded but now she'd told me not to look around, I was curious. What did she mean?
I entered the house; and discovered it was not only dirty, it smelled too. Avery was normally a really tidy person. ''What happened?'' She hid her face in her hands and I thought she was ashamed, but her shoulders started to shake and I realized she was crying. ''Girl, no, no, no... Please don't cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.'' I pulled her to me and held her close against my body. ''Talk to me Ave, talk to me.'' I begged her. I wanted to understand.
''I can't do this, Remy, I can't live here and pretend everything's okay. I miss him so much!'' She wiped her tears on my shoulder and her arms tightened around my waist. ''I haven't done anything since you left. I don't have the energy to get out of bed, I don't eat or shower. The house is a mess, I am too. I... can't... I'm so sorry.''
What was she sorry for? We were both broken, I knew that. We needed to help each other and get our lives back on track. We owed it to each other. ''You go take a shower, or better still, why don't you take a warm bath, okay?'' I walked her to the bathroom and got the water running. I put some of her pink bath foam in it which made the bathroom smell wonderful. Freshen up, I'll take care of the rest.''
''You can't, you're on bed rest for the next twenty-four hours.'' Avery was right, but she needed help. She was more important to me than my own health.
''Just get in the bath and relax. Don't worry about me, okay?'' She nodded and I closed the bathroom door behind me. I went straight into the kitchen and discovered all the plates and leftover food from Christmas dinner were still on the counters. My body was so tired, I couldn’t even think about doing all the cleaning up, but I knew I had to. I started by rinsing the plates and filling the dishwasher. The food was dried out and stuck on the dishes. The wine bottles were all emptied and I swore we hadn’t drunk all that much on Christmas day. It made me wonder if Avery had been drinking when she was alone. I threw out the garbage and the remainder of the food. The kitchen wasn't perfect yet but it was much better. I took a quick look around the house, there were towels with stains all over them and when I picked one up, I realized she'd been sick. I poured bleach and soap into the washing machine and filled it with every towel I found. The smell in the house was heavy and stunk. I opened the window in the living room and the kitchen, to let in some fresh air. I sat on the couch, tired and dizzy. Avery was still in the bathroom, she must have fallen asleep in the bath. I waited another ten minutes and there was still no noise coming from the bathroom. I didn’t like the idea of her sleeping in the bath, so I decided to check on her. I knocked on the door softly, trying not to startle her, ''Avery?'' When I heard nothing, I opened the door, concerned she hadn't heard me. ''Avery?'' I asked again.
I heard the water sloshing. ''Remy. Yes. God, I must have fallen asleep.'' I closed the door and went back to wait on the couch. She was out a couple of minutes later, wearing nothing but a white fluffy towel. ''Thank you for cleaning up, I couldn’t... I...'' She was struggling to find words, it appeared.
''Don't worry about it, girl, it was a piece of cake.'' A huge fucking piece of cake, her place looked like a tornado had been dancing through each room. The cleaning was far from complete, knowing her like I did, I knew it wasn't anywhere near her standards, but at least I had found a way to get rid of the terrible smell of vomit mixed with rotten coleslaw. Her shoulders were rounded in defeat and her head was hanging in shame; she left the room and I heard the door to her room closing. Damn it, I should have said something to comfort her. I
walked towards her room, and was about to knock when I heard a hair drier. Instead of knocking, I walked back to the living room, not wanting to interrupt her.
Evening had come and it was getting late, so after a quick shower, I took my new prescription and headed to bed. I left the door of the bedroom half open, in case Avery needed me for something. I didn’t want her to feel bad about waking me up if she did. When my back hit the mattress, I realized how tired I was, I could feel it in every inch of my body. In order to feel better after the fainting spell, I prayed I would be able to sleep for at least nine hours straight. Something I hadn’t done in a long time.
~~~*~~~
My sleep was interrupted by the sound of an angel. I had been sleeping on my side, facing towards the window and the angelic sound emanated from behind me. I turned slowly onto my back and to my surprise, discovered Avery was sleeping next to me. My brain couldn't begin to process the why’s or the how’s of the situation. I didn't know what to do about it, all I knew was that I didn't want to wake her. Her face was at peace, she was utterly beautiful. I wanted to cup her cheek against my hand but I knew I shouldn’t. The only things which would explain her actions was that she needed me. I think she needed to be closer to me, needed to make sure I was okay and I filled a void in her life. I didn’t want to take Carter's place but I could surely make her happy. Never in my life, would I have expected her to join me in here tonight. I didn’t hear her arriving, or sense her while I slept, until now.
To me, that night changed everything. She might not be able to admit it with words, but her actions were delivering the messages clearly.
She needed me.
23.
January 26th, 2008
Avery
My life had changed a lot. I was now an army widow and a little less than a month after Carter's death, my life had found its way again.
Remy was away at training, and so was Patrick. Megan and I were spending time together again. Since Patrick's return, our daily routine had changed, Megan was spending more time with her family which was completely natural. Of course, I was missing her but there was no way I was going to stand between her and her family, she needed that time with Patrick. For the past two weeks, I had been attending therapy sessions. After the first week, I could already feel the difference, I was feeling lighter and happier in myself. I was still grieving, but my mind and heart were both stronger.
Megan was driving us to a new restaurant in town, Juliet wanted to try their banana pancakes. It was only the second time I'd been out of the house since Christmas. I needed it more than I even knew. The weather was perfect, it wasn’t too warm, it was just beautiful. The sky was covered with little white and puffy clouds. I love those days the most, it reminded me of home. Megan was singing to the music on the radio, Hinder was her favorite band. I had to admit the singer had a good voice. Once we were parked at the restaurant, she waited for the song to end before turning the engine off. She enjoyed every little thing about life, she was truly inspiring. She laughed at the sound of my empty stomach rumbling, before urging us to get out of the car.
I craved a bowl of strawberries and cantaloupe with a glass of fresh orange juice. It wasn’t on the menu but I asked the waitress and she said they could do it. They weren’t opposed to special orders from customers. A simple gesture like that made me feel special and it started the day well.
''I was thinking about going to the beach this afternoon, are you girls up to it?'' I asked.
The beach was about two hours away from Fort Bragg. The spot I enjoyed most in North Carolina was the Ocean Isle Beach. The pier was the place where I had the greatest memories of being with Carter and Remy. They were both avid surfers and the pier offered the perfect view to watch them surf. We used to fish, too, and I always seemed to be lucky enough to catch the biggest fish.
''Yes! Please, Mom, say yes... I want to go!'' Juliet was definitely up for the trip.
I could tell Megan had made other plans, but I knew Juliet would get her way. I felt bad though, thinking I should have asked Megan in private. ''Right after breakfast, we could pick up our things and leave. It's a two hours’ drive, we could be there by noon and leave again at 4pm to be home when Patrick returns, what do you say?''
''It's a lot of driving.''
I nodded, she was right. ''I just want to try my new camera, you could be my models.'' I smiled.
''Alright, we're in.'' Megan agreed.
We ate our breakfast without wasting any time. We drove back to our houses and we were ready to leave ten minutes later. Snacks were prepared, my camera was sitting in its case and water bottles were waiting on the counter. The weather was too cool to sunbathe or go for a swim, January was one of the coldest month of the year. It was, however, a perfect day to walk on the pier and the beach, and enjoy a mid-afternoon lunch at The Grill. Even if we were only going to spend four hours there, it was worth it.
We hit the road, playing word games and singing songs until Juliet fell asleep. I remembered when I was her age, or maybe a few years older, I would always fall asleep in the car. I'd lived on the west coast for the majority of my youth. We did plenty of road trips in California and Oregon. I loved those times, because it meant both of my parents were home. My dad's many deployments were really hard on me when I was growing up. I was Daddy's little girl and I missed him a lot. I had a calendar in my bedroom, where I would count the days until his return each time he went away.
After lapsing into silence for a little while, I realized Megan was also napping. Her busy life as a mom must be hard at times. She had Juliet to keep entertained and also needed to spend time with Patrick. I was alone for the most part. Remy and I were spending a lot of time together and our friendship was stronger than ever. We were taking care of each other and making sure we both had good days, but it was nothing compared to raising a child. Megan was doing a great job, she was a devoted and wonderful mother.
When we arrived at the beach, I stood facing the ocean and breathed in the salty air. The gulls were singing and hunting for food. The ocean was just as I remembered, absolutely beautiful. I had missed this place. I looked at the surroundings and noticed we were almost alone, probably due to the wintry weather. Juliet kept asking if she could go and paddle in the water. At this time of the year, the water was probably around 50 degrees Fahrenheit, not exactly warm. I watched Megan and her daughter walking towards the shore and grabbed my camera. I had read a few things on the internet about photography and I'd learned a good photograph did not necessarily rely on the subjects looking at the photographer. I took a few shots and they looked great. The natural light made the photos perfect. I decided to leave Megan and Juliet to their walk, and try my hand at landscape photography. I took few from the pier and looking over the waves. Everything about this place was meant to be captured in photography. When I found the girls again, they were walking along the shore, hunting for shells. I snapped some more photographs and I was pleased with the results. Juliet shone and Megan's love for her daughter was captured in the photographs. Maybe this was something I could consider for my future, being a photographer was fun. I liked to use my creativity.
I joined them in the search for shells. Most of the ones we found were very small and delicate. Juliet kept all the prettiest ones in her tiny hands. I had only collected a couple of them when I found a starfish. I didn’t know much about starfish, but this one didn’t look alive, the texture was hard and dry. ''Look at what I found.''
Juliet came running over to me. ''It's a star, can I touch it?''
''Of course.'' Her small fingers touched the dead fish as if it might bite her. ''Don’t be scared, it won't bite, it doesn’t even look like it's alive.''
''Do fishes go to Heaven, Mommy?'' Juliet asked her mother.
Megan looked at me with sad eyes. Patrick and Megan had explained to their daughter what death meant, after Carter's passing. She still had many questions about the matter. ''I'm sure they have their heaven too, Juliet,'' Megan explained.<
br />
''She was a pretty star,'' she said sadly.
''I'll take the star home and keep it with me.'' I kept the starfish in my hand. ''She is so small and pretty.'' Anything related to a star reminded me of Carter, I was his shining little star, that's what he always used to call me. I thought maybe he'd sent this one my way. I liked to believe he was still around, watching over me.
''I’m getting hungry, are you girls ready to grab something to eat?'' Megan asked, instinctively knowing I was thinking about him. I knew she didn’t want me to mope around for the rest of the afternoon.
''Sure!'' I tried to smile. ''There's The Grill over there, they serve pizza and hamburgers, would that be okay?''
''I want pizza!'' Juliet exclaimed.
Food sounded good at the time, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to eat, but nothing too fancy. The Grill was a few minutes’ walk away. I took few extra photos on the way there. It really was a quiet day, the restaurant was only half full. It wasn't a bad thing, much different to the high season when we used to come here.
~~~*~~~
The food was delicious, but I'd eaten way too much. The pepperoni pizza I had eaten entirely by myself was making my stomach bloat. We'd had a good time, though. The waiter was a young man, probably under twenty and he had fallen for Juliet. He even gave her an ice cream dessert for free. He reminded me of Zac Efron, he was quite handsome. For the remainder of the day, we tried doing some fishing. Megan was the only one who caught anything and it was a King Mackerel. Quite an impressive fish, and thankfully we had help from some fishermen because he was fighting for his freedom. When the King was finally out of the water, we weighed him and Megan was proud to learn her fish weighed sixteen pounds. I wanted to take a photograph of Megan and the fish, and she accepted only if the fisherman helping us would hold him. She was proud of herself, but definitely scared of that fish. We ended the day building a small sand castle with Juliet. What I loved most about that little girl was her enthusiasm. She was so excited about the castle and she regretted not bringing her dolls so they could see the sandcastle. I helped them for a little while, but I mostly watched and breathed in as much of their happiness as I could. They shared so much love, it was inspirational, a beautiful mother-daughter relationship. I enjoyed spending time with them, they were so charming. With Juliet in daycare, Megan liked to have activities planned during the weekend and I assumed this trip represented a good one. It made me proud.