by Sarah Dosher
“No!” She bellowed.
***
Eli Blue
A scream ripped from my throat and filled my head so loudly, it blocked out the rest of the world. I pounded on his chest, “Don’t you fucking leave me. I can’t be here alone!”
He was perfectly still, eerily serene. His shirt was soaked with bright red blood that was continuing to spread and seep into every bright white thread of his shirt. Time slowed as I stared at his shirt, the vision of his blood engulfing each individual fiber as it laced through every inch of his shirt was all I could see. I shook my head, trying to clear it, when my body collapsed onto his, no longer able to hold the weight of the sensations flowing through me. Feelings of panic were slowly numbing me until I no longer felt anything.
Everything seemed so quiet, silent as the grave, rang through my head, and I shook my head again, trying to shake everything loose. No, he couldn’t die; he couldn’t leave me like this. He’d been all I ever had, he couldn’t leave me, too.
“Breathe princess, breathe” I heard Deacon calling from behind me as he lifted my body from Shaw’s, pushing me to the side.
Deacon’s hand crashed down on Shaw’s chest, causing his entire body to jolt with the impact. Pushing onto his legs, Deacon put his entire weight over the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Sirens welled in the distance and I knew help was coming; all I had to do was keep him with me until they arrived. Adrenaline shot through my body and sprang me to life.
“Please don’t leave me.“ I pleaded with him, touching his face. “Shaw, open your eyes. I need you, I’ve always needed you; you’re my rock. God, please stay.”
Deacon was still pushing on Shaw’s chest, but his eyes were glued to me. Looking up at him I saw pity on his face mixed with guilt, and that guilt told me everything I needed to know. He’d pulled his gun, he’d fired at Vito. This was his fault more than anyone else’s, he was dangerous. We were dangerous together, and it was Shaw paying the ultimate price.
“You did this, you fired at them. This is your fault, all your fault.”
“Eli, I’m sorry, I-“
“Stop, just stop! How can I ever forgive you? You’ve taken all I had left!” I screamed, feeling a sense of hatred for this man that just a few minutes ago, I’d loved.
His stare was on me, I could feel his eyes burning into my flesh, but I didn’t care.
The ambulance and police arrived, and two paramedics pushed us aside to help Shaw. They cut his shirt open, and one tried to stop the bleeding while the other listened for a heartbeat.
“We need to move, now!” One of them shouted.
They lifted him onto a stretcher and began to push him toward the ambulance.
“Wait!” I called after them.
Only one was left outside the ambulance, as the other paramedic pulled the stretcher into the back. Their eyes moved over me, taking in the blood on my body and the expression on my face.
“Get in!” He yelled. “But stay outta the way.”
I jumped into the back of the ambulance next to Shaw and pushed myself into the background as I felt us start to move away. Looking out the small window I saw Deacon, staring after me, his eyes begging for it to be okay. Cops swarmed around him forcing him to kneel to the ground.
“I’m losing him!” the paramedic yelled. “Call it in, we have a code blue!”
Everything went silent. I could see the paramedic’s lips moving, and saw him fighting to save Shaw, but my head was filled with nothing but a roaring silence.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Eli Blue
The sun was shining and the birds were singing, the sound grated into my eardrums, like out of tune guitar strings blaring over a blown amp. The grass was lush and bright green, I ached to take off my fancy black heels and feel it wiggle between my toes, but at the same time, the thought made my stomach turn. My shoes matched perfectly with the black pencil skirt and black silk blouse Willow had dressed me in, she even did my eye makeup in a black smoky look. Everything on me today was black, from the top of my well-coifed hair, to the bottom of my overpriced heels. I’d already decided to burn the entire outfit when I got home.
People were gathering around, forming a huge semi-circle with their eyes trained toward the back of my head and beyond. My eyes looked everywhere except the focus of that semi-circle, which was a dark brown coffin gleaming in the sun. Shaw. All the air rushed from my lungs. Shaw. I’d tried to think about anything else except why I was here, why I was in this cemetery, surrounded by so many peering eyes. The same cemetery where my dad was, a place I hadn’t been since the day his body had been placed in a similar brown box and lowered below the ground.
I inhaled deeply, but the air felt empty and didn’t fill my needy lungs. Again and again, I tried to force my lungs to expand. My head began to swim and my ears rang. Again and again, the air rushed into me, but didn’t satisfy; it came too fast, filling me with a rawness that burned my nose and throat. I could feel my legs growing weak and buckling under me. Shaw was in there, in that box, and I’d never see him again.
All I could see was his face, his eyes bright with life, begging me to give him another chance, pleading for me to forgive him. I never did, I never told him how much I loved him. Even if it wasn’t the same love I’d once had, it was still the greatest love I’d ever known. Instead I’d chosen someone else, picked Deacon to rescue me, right in front of Shaw. He’d been everything to me, the only person I ever had after my dad. Why did I let this happen? It was my fault he was dead, he was only involved because of me—trying to save me. I’d never be able to forgive myself for being the cause of his death.
My knees hit the soft grass and my body fell forward, my hands impacting with the ground to hold me up. In and out, my breath was rushing too fast, the tears were falling too rapidly. I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t exist in a world where he wasn’t. My life couldn’t continue when his didn’t.
Pure, unadulterated emptiness spread through my chest and planted deep inside me; a hole I’d never be able to fill again, that I didn’t deserve to unfeel. The grief was mine, and I knew I’d carry it with me forever, I craved its presence—the only connection to Shaw that still remained.
A hand began to rub small circles on my back, and a loud “shh” resonated in my ears. I knew who it was, but I didn’t know if I could handle the guilt his presence brought.
“It’s all my fault.” I forced out between sobs.
“No, sweetheart, it’s not. You’re safe, that’s what he wanted. That boy would have done anything for you, just like you would have done for him. The worlds could be switched, and he could be the one here, right now, mourning you.” Dave said confidently. “But that’s not how it happened. Shaw always had one mission in his life, and that was to protect you and be there for you; he accomplished that. Don’t take that away from him, he did his very best for you, and wouldn’t want you to place that on yourself. Don’t disregard the love my son had for you, or what he did for you. That’s not fair to him.”
“I can’t Dave, how can I go on without him? He tried to save me, and now he’s dead. Because of me!” I cried.
“Aw, sweetie you will. We both will; that’s what he’d want. Don’t take what belongs to him and place it upon yourself, just be happy for what you had, and never forget it.”
He pulled me against his chest and hugged me tight as my tears slowed. We sat there, rocking back and forth, while they lowered Shaw into the ground and covered his coffin with dirt, my cries echoing through the tall trees the entire time.
After everyone had left, Dave made me stand and began slowly walking to his car. I halted and he turned to me, “C’mon sweetheart, we need to get you home.”
“Can we…I mean, I haven’t…” I pointed toward a grouping of tall cedar trees.
He smiled and led me to my dad’s grave. It was black granite with “Beloved father, friend, and musician” etched into it with a small princess slipper in the right corner. When they asked me w
hat I wanted on the tombstone after he died, I was too young to know what to do. Dave helped me, but I insisted that a small piece of our favorite fairytale be placed on it as well.
“I try to come here at least once a month.” Dave sighed. “He’d probably kick my ass for all the shit I tell him now, he never was much for heart to hearts with me.”
“I never come.” I whispered. “I miss him so much, but I never come.”
“Aw, sweetie you should.” Dave hugged me closer.
“If I don’t come, I keep thinking it’s not real, and my fairytale can keep playing if I don’t actually come here.”
“You need to start. It will make things better, I don’t know how to explain it, but it will. I promise. We’ll come together, we’ll visit them both, together.”
I kissed my fingers and placed them over the princess slipper, fixed perfectly above his name then we turned to leave.
Off in the distance, I saw Deacon sitting under a tree, his eyes glued to me. Every fiber of my being wanted to run to him, to open my arms and hope he’d accept me. I didn’t blame him for what happened to Shaw—I never really had. I’d just been scared and trapped in my moment of anguish—I blamed myself. But I still wasn’t ready to see him; I didn’t know when I would be. I didn’t deserve for him to swoop in and make me feel better; I deserved to be in pain and to feel the heavy burden I’d caused.
One day I’d find Deacon again, and thank him for what he’d given me, for the small amount of love he’d given me—but it wouldn’t be today.
***
The days and weeks after the funeral were a challenge, I never knew what lonely was until I’d brought it upon myself. Time passed slower, and I felt every single tick of the clock as it disappeared. I’d never truly enjoyed the things I had, never appreciated them, until they were gone. It was hard not to find the twisted humor in all I had taken for granted, the time I’d lost when now, that’s all I had—empty time.
I knew the days were passing, I could see the shadows in the room changing, shifting with the rising and setting of the sun. I surrounded myself with all the things I had that reminded me of Shaw, I thought if I had memories of him where I could put my hands on them, feel them against my flesh, he wasn’t really gone; that’s what I told myself, anyway.
Overwhelming despair wasn’t new to me. I’d felt an even harsher version once before, when I was even more weak and alone. I didn’t know if I was strong enough now, either. Ending it all seemed like an easier solution than feeling every emotion as it ripped through my soul, but after last time, I’d promised Shaw I would never hurt myself again. He’d been there to bandage my wrist and my soul, I couldn’t break that promise now, especially not when it was him my heart was breaking over this time. Sometimes you have to keep living, more for those that love you than you do for yourself.
I no longer saw things for how they truly were; instead, I saw them through the lens of the emotional train wreck I had become. Everything was darker and heavier; the weight pushed me further, choking tighter and tighter until I wanted to escape it all. Even the smiles from my friends seemed odd and distorted—too big, too fake.
Willow came to visit me every day, she’d curl up on the bed and wrap herself around me; it felt good to feel the warmth of another body against mine, made me feel more connected to this existence and everything surrounding it.
“I miss you.” She’d whisper in my ear.
I’d nod to let her know I understood, but I didn’t tell her I missed her because I didn’t even know who that other person was any longer. The girl that should miss Willow, who had once depended so adamantly on her friendship, was no longer. I felt too assaulted by my grief to remember her. A part of myself was gone, buried with Shaw, and I knew I’d never get her back.
Willow told me my mom had been arrested, and later confessed to being involved in my kidnapping, but since all she’d done was deliver the ransom demands, they were going easy on her. I’d told the police over and over everything I knew, which wasn’t much since I’d blocked out everything I could. But I knew I’d never have to worry about seeing my mother again, and that was perfectly fine with me.
Savage Man was still up and running with the help of Dave and others that worked there. Unforgiven and The Elle’s still played the shows I’d arranged and had enough lined up to last them a while. I knew I had to get back though, remove myself from this darkness and live again. But not yet, I didn’t have the strength, yet.
Duke came to see me one extra bright day, when the sun beamed so brightly through the window it was blinding even with the curtains closed.
“Deacon wants me to see for myself that you’re okay.” He told me softly.
I didn’t say anything.
“Willow warned me, but after seeing you myself I don’t know that I can. I can’t tell Deacon you’re okay because I’m not sure you are.”
“Tell Deacon whatever you want, he doesn’t need to be burdened with my problems anymore. He needs to move on.”
Duke nodded then said something I’d never forget, “Eli, he’ll never move on. As long as you’re hurting, he’s hurting. As long as you’re stuck in this hell, so is he. Just remember that, okay? Deac loves you, I know that’s hard to remember, but he does.”
I loved Deacon, too, even if I wasn’t ready to face it, or him.
***
Deacon
Apparently the world does continue to spin around, even when you feel like it’s stopped. Even if your whole existence has ceased to continue, it doesn’t stop for everyone else. I’d made many, many mistakes in my life, but trying to protect the woman I loved was not one of them, even if that was the thing currently ripping my fucking heart from my chest, so slowly I could feel each pull and tug.
I’d spent so long living in an emotionally void limbo, just waiting for someone, anyone, to blow the damn barrier to shreds. When I’d finally broken free, my world was full of such color, such passion that this bleakness appeared even more somber than I remembered. The feelings I spent so much time writing lyrics about were actually happening to me, not some made up asshole created for entertainment; it was me. I knew love for the first time; never once, in all my years, had I felt love from someone that didn’t expect anything in return. The only price she’d asked for in return was the same affection I’d been more than willing to give her.
She had loved me.
She had seen me.
I knew she had.
The love I had for Eli was never more real than it was right this moment. There’d only been one other thing I’d ever loved in this world: music. Music had never forsaken me, always guided the way when I was lost. Without Eli, I couldn’t feel the music any longer, every note fell flat and did nothing to inspire the truth it had once encompassed.
Life was empty. I’d spent weeks with no one. Tony and Angela had made their own choices to be cut from my life, and so had Eli. I wouldn’t force any of them to come back against their will, no matter how void my life was without them.
I still played music, every day. Even though it no longer created the same feelings and emotions within, it was all I had. Unforgiven played with The Elle’s almost every night. Willow and I were forced to be face to freaking face every damn day. I’d forced myself to look at her as just another random person, not my only remaining link to Eli.
I’d only tried once to get her to talk to Eli for me, and it hadn’t gone well.
“Just tell her they drew their gun first, I was only trying to protect her. You have to tell her, you have to.”
“Deacon, I don’t have to do anything. You haven’t seen her. She’s broken, her world is broken right now.”
“So the fuck is mine, I’ve lost the only person important to me when all I was doing was trying to protect her.”
“You don’t understand. No matter how big of a douche Shaw was, he was all she had for a very long time after she lost her dad. He was her everything for years, and she feels responsible for his death. I can’t ju
st force her to get over that because you want me to.”
“I don’t want her to ‘get over it,’ I want her to let me help her. She’s in so much pain, and I can be there for her. I want to help make it better.”
“I know you do, and, honestly, I think you should. But she doesn’t. She thinks she deserves this grief, this pain, and I can’t take that from her, and neither can you. She’s coping with this the only way she knows how, and we have to let her.”
“No I don’t, I’m going to have to talk to her.”
“No, you won’t. Do you remember when I said you owed me a favor one day? Well I’m calling that favor in: I want you to leave her alone. Leave her alone, and let her find her own way back, in her own time. She will; I have no doubt she will. It’ll just take time.”
“I can’t just sit here and do nothing, Willow.”
“Then don’t, live your own life. Don’t just wait, live and eventually she’ll start to live, too.”
I’d done what Willow asked of me. I was living, but I wasn’t feeling. Every morning I woke up, did what I was supposed to do, and acted the way I was supposed to act, but I never felt a single second of it in my heart, like I once had. My passion was locked away in a room, mourning alongside the woman I loved.
What I’d promised Willow made it even harder when I received an invitation to an event in honor of Kirk Savage’s induction into the Hall of Fame. My first thought was “no fucking way”, but then I sat back and thought about the reasons I’d been invited in the first place. Word had gotten out about the similarities between our playing styles, as well as Kirk’s influence over me. It had started to get me a lot of attention, especially since I was playing his guitar at every single show. “The reincarnation of rock God Kirk Savage” one reporter had said. I wasn’t sure how true that was, but I didn’t try to fight it, either. Since Savage Man still represented us, even in Eli’s absence, they wanted me to play for the extra exposure it would give me and Unforgiven. I’d started to say no because I didn’t want any attention to be taken from the reasons behind this night, Kirk deserved it, and so did Eli. Then I realized it could possibly be my last chance to ever see her, and I could never pass that up.