Also great thanks and apologies to my friend (and sometimes Styks & Stones podcast cohost) Maura Chwastyk, who was on the receiving end of far too many plot scenario generations. As I spewed permutations over and over, looking for a pattern that fit, Maura always knew when to give me feedback and when to just let me clatter on. I don’t think I would have figured it out without her.
And speaking of Australians, big thanks to C. Coville and Tomas Fitzgerald for additional details used in Gladstone’s time abroad.
Thanks to my friends Brendan McGinley and Matt Tobey for lending their names to “Brendan Tobey.” It should also be noted that Matt Tobey is even better at “Six Degrees of Stanley Tucci” than his fictional counterpart.
Thanks also to Andrew Blum for his wonderful book, Tubes, essential reading for anyone fascinated with the Internet. Thank you to copy editor extraordinaire Rachelle Mandik, who aside from finding all my errors, was good enough to let me know important details like, there’s only one Andrew’s Coffee Shop left in New York.
Lastly, thank you to my entire family, but most of all, the three magical weirdos, Asher, Sage, and Quinn. You are the best of everything, and a trilogy far better than these novels.
Also by Wayne Gladstone
Notes from the Internet Apocalypse
Agents of the Internet Apocalypse
About the Author
WAYNE GLADSTONE is a founding columnist for Cracked.com and the author of Notes from the Internet Apocalypse and Agents of the Internet Apocalypse. He is the creator and star of the Hate by Numbers online video series. His writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Comedy Central’s Indecision, and in the collections You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News and The McSweeney’s Joke Book of Book Jokes. He lives in New York. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Prologue
Part I
Report 1
Report 2
Report 3
Part II
Report 4
Report 5
Report 6
Part III
Report 7
Report 8
Day 424
Report 9
Day 425
Report 10
Day 428
Day 434
Days 435–436
Days 437–440
Acknowledgments
Also by Wayne Gladstone
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
THOMAS DUNNE BOOKS.
An imprint of St. Martin’s Press.
REPORTS ON THE INTERNET APOCALYPSE. Copyright © 2016 by Wayne Gladstone. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.thomasdunnebooks.com
www.stmartins.com
Cover photographs: man in suit © Conrado / Shutterstock; Sydney Opera House © Taras Vyshnya / Shutterstock
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Gladstone, Wayne, author.
Title: Reports on the internet apocalypse / Wayne Gladstone.
Description: First Edition. | New York: Thomas Dunne Books, St. Martin’s Press, 2016. | Series: The internet apocalypse trilogy; 3
Identifiers: LCCN 2016016413 | ISBN 9781250048400 (hardback) | ISBN 9781466849266 (e-book)
Subjects: LCSH: Internet—Fiction. | BISAC: FICTION / Literary. | FICTION / Humorous. | FICTION / Technological. | GSAFD: Satire. | Humorous fiction. | Dystopias.
Classification: LCC PS3607.L3436 R47 2016 | DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016016413
Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at [email protected].
e-ISBN 9781466849266
First Edition: November 2016
Reports on the Internet Apocalypse Page 19