Penelope had never really considered what kind of moves she would need if she was battling warriors, but Oscar definitely had a point.
‘I’ve got another one,’ Oscar said. ‘If you were in the wilderness, would you rather come face to face with a lion or a crocodile?’
Penelope shook her head and decided to make a joke.
‘Neither,’ she said. ‘I’d rather come face to face with a Noisy Pitta.’
Oscar laughed, which was a Very Pleasing thing to happen.
‘Nice, Penny,’ he said, ‘but you have to answer the actual question. That’s a rule.’
Honestly, Oscar Finley made her think of some weird stuff! But right now, even as she imagined coming face to face with a lion, and then with a crocodile, which really were not Pleasant Images, Penelope had to giggle.
‘Okay, a crocodile,’ she said finally.
‘Good answer Penny,’ Oscar said. ‘At least you’d have a chance, because the crocodile might be aestivating. That means trying to control their body temperature, so basking in the sun for example. They get kind of slow while they’re doing that, so you might be able to make a run for it. Now it’s your go.’
Penelope made a mental note to remember the interesting new word Oscar had introduced her to. Then she thought hard to come up with a good idea.
‘Okay Oscar Finley,’ she said finally. ‘Would you rather live in a place that was always hot or a place that was always cold?’
Oscar gave this Would you rather? some serious attention. Penelope could tell, because he closed his eyes, which he often did when he was concentrating.
‘I’ll have to say a place that was always cold, Penny,’ he said eventually. ‘Because you could always layer up.’
‘Snap. That’s exactly what I was thinking,’ Penelope said, drawing around the edges of another water lily.
‘How about this one?’ Oscar began. But he didn’t get to finish because the bell rang. Art class went even more quickly than usual when Penelope was sitting next to Oscar Finley.
The rest of the day was much better than how it had started. Penelope walked home with her very best friend, Bob.
‘Please let me come to your place, Pen,’ Bob said. She clasped her hands together. ‘I’m begging,’ she said dramatically. ‘Dad’s on one of his cleaning binges and if I get home before six, he’ll have me mopping floors or some other rotten job. It’s child labour. Like in Annie, but without the songs.’
‘Or the orphanage, or the other kids, or Miss Hannigan,’ Penelope laughed. ‘Of course you can come to my place, Bob. If you beg me just one more time. Wait, maybe twice.’
Bob bumped Penelope with her shoulder.
Even though Bob had been her very best friend for quite a while, things like this still made Penelope feel warm inside. Before Bob, Penelope hadn’t had anyone who wanted to come and hang at her place. Now (with Bob) it happened quite often.
They were just arriving at Penelope’s house when Penelope noticed something unusual. She pointed. The gate at the side of her house, which led to the backyard, was almost always closed. But, right now, it was wide open.
‘It could be burglars,’ Bob said in a low voice. ‘Let’s investigate.’
If it was burglars, Penelope was pretty sure she didn’t want to investigate. But Bob had already dropped her school bag on the front porch and was creeping down the side. Penelope followed.
‘Look, evidence,’ Bob whispered, picking something up off the path and handing it to Penelope. The something was a hair tie with a gold clasp in the shape of a star. It wasn’t Penelope’s hair tie, but she was sure she had seen it before. She just couldn’t remember where. She put the hair tie into the pocket of her school dress.
Bob and Penelope crept to the end of the path. The backyard looked like it always did. There were no smashed windows and the back door was closed.
Penelope glanced back into the yard. There was a small shed that her dad used to spend quite a lot of time in back when he still lived with them (before he moved interstate and got a new family). No-one had used it since he left. It had a lock and chain around the door handles. Well, normally it had a lock and chain around the door handles.
‘Bob,’ Penelope whispered, ‘the shed.’
They probably should have been frightened, but Penelope felt more giggly than scared as she watched Bob creeping over the lawn. It was hilarious. She lifted her legs so high, like a cartoon character.
There was a small window at the side of the shed. Slowly, being careful to show as little of her face as possible, Penelope peered in. Bob moved to the other side of the window and did the same.
There weren’t any burglars inside the shed. But what was happening in there was even more shocking.
Harry and Ava were in there. And they were KISSING.
They were sitting on an old bench seat, leaning into each other. And their mouths were stuck together. Penelope could see Ava and Harry’s lips moving up and down like fish lips. There didn’t seem to be very much room between their noses.
Penelope was horrified, but not the sort of horrified that would make her run for it. It was the sort of horrified that kept her right there, speechless, frozen and staring.
‘Hooley dooley,’ Bob (who didn’t get speechless very often) whispered with a giggle. ‘I wonder what the Guinness World Record is for the longest snog? I reckon those two might have a shot.’
Just as she said that, Harry and Ava (finally!) broke apart. Very quickly, Penelope grabbed Bob’s hand and pulled her around to the back of the shed. They crouched down.
The shed door opened and Harry and Ava walked out.
‘It’s so cosy in there,’ they heard Ava say. ‘So private. It’s like there’s just the two of us in the whole wide world.’
‘And the two of us,’ Bob whispered. Penelope had to cover her mouth to stifle a giggle.
‘Well,’ Harry said, ‘see you later, Ava.’
Penelope shook her head. Clearly, Harry did have a crush on Ava. But it wasn’t making him any better at finding words. Perhaps that was why they needed to kiss for such a long time – so Harry didn’t have to think of things to say.
‘Well,’ Penelope said to Bob after Harry and Ava had gone. ‘It looks like Harry has a girlfriend. And there’s probably nothing I can do about it.’
‘Why would you want to do something about it, Pen?’ Bob asked. ‘Don’t you like Ava?’
Penelope shook her head and blew out a sigh. ‘It’s not that I don’t like her,’ she said (although she still did have that one small grudge). ‘It’s just … it’s horrible when people have crushes. Everything changes.’
‘Geez Pen,’ Bob said. ‘I know it’s gross to see your own brother snogging for the world record, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal. Harry’s still going to be your big brother.’
‘Maybe,’ Penelope answered. ‘But he’s most likely going to get all distracted and swoony and awkward. Like you were with Tommy Stratton, minus the kissing part. That was a Truly Terrible time in my life, Bob. Thank God it’s over.’
‘Sheesh Pen, was it really that bad when I liked Tommy?’ Bob asked.
‘It was worse,’ Penelope answered. ‘There were times you looked like a beetroot whenever he was close by. You were crazy giggly too, almost every time you saw him. It was difficult to watch. At one stage, I actually thought you were going to let Tommy get you in a headlock. I’m not sure I could have survived that.’
Even though she hadn’t said it to be funny or dramatic, it was kind of nice to hear Bob laugh.
‘I do remember bumping into a pole just after I talked to him once,’ Bob admitted.
‘I’m just thankful you stopped crushing on him after he massacred The Greatest Love of All in drama,’ Penelope said.
As Bob set off for home, she started singing The Greatest Love of All at the top of her lungs. Penelope stuck her fingers in her ears and shook her head in mock anger, as though everything was completely normal and was going to sta
y that way.
Still, as she thought some more about the whole crushing plague, Penelope had way more questions than answers. Perhaps Rita was right. Perhaps she was just absolutely clueless about love.
Perhaps it was time to ask an expert.
At lunchtime on Tuesday, Penelope sat with Bob and Tilly on the bench seats by the basketball court. It was lucky that Rita had a trumpet lesson (though Penelope couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for the poor trumpet). There was no way in the entire world that Penelope would talk about crushes while Rita was around. But Tilly was a very nice girl and the biggest crush expert that Penelope and Bob could think of. Tilly had a big sister called Miranda, who discussed loads of things with her. (There was absolutely no point in having a big brother called Harry who didn’t discuss anything.)
Tilly seemed pleased to be asked to share her knowledge. She was talking so much that she hadn’t even begun to eat her sandwich.
‘Okay, so obviously Joanna and Alex are still mad about each other,’ Tilly said. She pointed over to the other side of the court. Penelope watched as Joanna nicked a packet of chips out of Alex’s lunchbox and he chased her, caught her, grabbed the chips and ran in the other direction, with Joanna in pursuit.
‘Yep, I see that,’ Penelope replied. Joanna and Alex had been crushing for months now. Everyone knew that. Plus, even though Penelope might be clueless about love, she at least understood that headlocks and chasing and things like that were clear signs that something was going on.
‘What about Sarah? Does she still like Felix?’ Penelope asked. The last time they’d talked about this stuff, that’s what Tilly said was happening. She’d also said that Felix didn’t like Sarah back.
Tilly shook her head.
‘Not any more,’ she said. ‘Now, Felix likes Sarah but Sarah doesn’t like him back. Miranda would say that those two are stuck in a cycle of unrequited love.’ Tilly must have noticed Bob and Penelope’s confused expressions, because she added ‘That means love that isn’t returned.’
Penelope blew out a sigh. Though she hadn’t known the actual word for it, unfortunately she did know quite a bit about unrequited love. These days, Penelope’s mum was mostly happy, but for a long time after Penelope’s dad left to start another family, her mum was Very Sad. Penelope didn’t understand a lot then, since she was only four, but it was Not Nice to hear her mum crying at night when she thought Penelope and Harry were asleep. Sometimes Penelope still felt cross that her dad didn’t finish their family before starting another one. But at least her mum wasn’t Very Sad any more.
‘So, how come Felix and Sarah keep changing their minds about each other?’ Penelope asked, wondering why her dad had stopped loving her mum. But there were never any good answers to that particular question. Penelope had tried several times to figure out what, exactly, had gone wrong. But her mum’s answers were always Very Vague.
Tilly (finally – it was nearly the end of lunch break!) took a bite of her sandwich. She chewed and swallowed.
‘Crushes are complicated, Penelope,’ she said. ‘Aren’t they Bob?’
Sometimes, when she didn’t understand something or felt left out, Penelope felt her skin go prickly. This was one of those times. After all, Bob was her very own best friend and Penelope knew (more than anyone else in the whole wide world) what had happened between Bob and Tommy Stratton. But she knew that Tilly was just trying to be helpful, so Penelope worked hard to keep the prickles flat.
‘It wasn’t really that complicated with Tommy,’ Bob said, giving Penelope a little nudge that made her feel a whole lot better. ‘Just, well, when he sang The Greatest Love of All in our group performance for drama, it was about all I could take.’ Bob made a great show of blocking both ears with her fingers and Penelope immediately went from prickly to giggly. Tommy Stratton (surprisingly – his actual acting wasn’t that bad) had absolutely massacred that song. Tommy massacred everything he sang, but this was even worse than usual.
Tilly nodded knowledgeably.
‘Miranda would say that you and Tommy just drifted apart,’ she advised Bob. ‘Saying it that way reduces the chances of breaking anyone’s heart.’
‘Cool, but I don’t think Tommy Stratton is too bothered,’ Bob said, glancing over to where Tommy Stratton was (happily – not looking at all like he had a broken heart) playing handball with Felix Unger.
‘The really amazing thing, as Miranda would say, is that crushes can happen to anybody at any time,’ Tilly said.
‘Hey, are you channelling your sister, Tilly?’ Bob giggled. She closed her eyes and waved her hands in the air.
Tilly and Penelope laughed along with Bob. Pretty soon the conversation switched from crushes to a science project the class was doing with Ms Pike. It was called ‘Layering Liquids’, and you could tell which liquid was denser by the level it settled at in a jar of water. The class had already found that oil, for instance, has a higher density than water because it sinks to the bottom. After lunch, the class was going to test a whole lot of other liquids.
Penelope joined in the conversation enthusiastically. This was a Very Interesting Project. And the best thing about it was that you could prove what was what.
She just wished there was some test like that for crushes!
On Tuesday nights, Penelope’s mum went to Zumba class, so she and Harry were on their own for two whole hours and had to make their own dinner. When their mum first started going, Penelope was Not Impressed. But these days, she quite looked forward to it.
Since he’d been watching a cooking show on TV, Harry had become quite keen on being in the kitchen. Penelope could hardly believe it! At the beginning, it was always Penelope who decided what they would eat, and Harry would be the helper. These days, though, Harry liked to create new and interesting dishes, and Penelope was the helper. Even though there was a 60/40 chance that their meal would be interesting, as in awful, instead of interesting, as in delicious, Penelope didn’t mind.
When Harry was cooking, he was much better at talking. In fact, since the Very Strange development with Ava, Penelope was looking forward to creating a meal with her big brother. Just the two of them. Perhaps he would (finally!) confide in her like Miranda did with Tilly?
As she thought that, Penelope had a Pleasant Image. The Pleasant Image was of her sitting in the lotus position (her mum had taught Penelope this position when she was into yoga at home instead of Zumba at the gym). As a crowd gathered around her, Penelope began to speak wisely about love.
Unfortunately, Penelope never got to the next stage of the Pleasant Image because the real Harry barged through the front door. And right behind him was Ava.
‘Hi Ava,’ Penelope said in a friendly voice. ‘Harry and I are about to make dinner, so please come again another time.’
‘Awesome,’ Ava said, turning from Penelope to Harry. ‘What are we making, Harry Samuel Kingston?’
Penelope breathed in. It was quite a shock that Ava knew Harry’s middle name. He wasn’t the type of boy who would blurt out his middle name to just anybody. Penelope waited patiently (six, cat and dog) for Harry to explain to Ava that on Tuesday nights, Penelope and Harry cooked and ate together. Just the TWO of them. But Harry was obviously finding it difficult to make the right words come out of his mouth. Penelope decided to help.
‘Actually Ava,’ Penelope began, ‘I’m sorry to say that …’
‘Pasta,’ Harry interrupted, looking in the pantry. ‘Pasta with tomato, garlic, onion, finely chopped salami and stinky cheese.’
‘Yum,’ Ava said. ‘I love stinky cheese. I’m in.’
Penelope frowned, and not just because she most definitely did not like stinky cheese.
‘The rule is that if you’re eating with us, then you have to help prepare,’ Harry told Ava in a teasing voice. Then he flicked her with a tea towel. Penelope DID NOT like being flicked with tea towels. But Ava giggled as though it was the funniest thing in the world.
This was exactly what Penelope had mea
nt when she told Bob about everything changing when people have crushes. Tea towel fights were almost as hard to watch as people getting all headlocky. Even worse, (although Penelope was still quite hopeful that she could send Ava away) it seemed that her Tuesday nights with Harry might never be the same again. She breathed deeply.
‘On Tuesday nights,’ Penelope tried again through her teeth, ‘Harry and I prepare our meal together. Just the two of us. Then we eat. Just the two of us.’
‘Cool,’ Ava said, even though she clearly hadn’t understood AT ALL. She grabbed another tea towel and flicked Harry (on his bottom!). It was Very Stressful to watch.
Harry responded by handing Ava a packet of pasta and tickling her around the waist.
Neither Harry nor Ava seemed to notice she was even there.
Penelope’s throat went very dry. She tried to breathe in, but it was as though there wasn’t enough air. Her temples pulsed wildly. She thought about what she’d overheard Ava say when she and Harry came out of the shed.
It’s like there’s just the two of us in the whole wide world.
But that wasn’t true! There weren’t just the two of them in the whole wide world. There weren’t even just the two of them in the kitchen! And Harry was her brother and Penelope was sure he would have really opened up to her while they were cooking together, and now nobody would EVER truly explain to her what crushing and love were all about.
All of Penelope’s confused feelings bubbled up inside her. Then they started spurting out of her mouth.
‘YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO GET INVITED TO STAY FOR DINNER, AVA, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK YOURSELF. AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING IN OUR BACK SHED. AND YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. AND I HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOU FOR PUSHING MY TEDDY OUT OF MY BEDROOM WINDOW. HE STILL HAS A SCAR ON HIS TUMMY FROM THE TRAUMA.’
Quiz Questions & Complicated Crushes Page 2