"I know, that's what we all hope for." she laughed. "But men are idiots!" she watched a small smile start on Natalie's face. "What' is he doing?"
"Nothing." Deann wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion.
"Nothing?"
"As in, he's living his life like he did before I came along. Do you know how many times he's come home in the past few weeks?"
"Ahhhh..." Deann watched as Natalie began getting hot under the collar. Her face wrinkled in anger and she stood abruptly. Deann almost was sorry she'd asked. It was obvious that Natalie was upset and Romero had no clue.
"I mean, for goodness sake, what the hell did he come after me for, Deann? It damn sure wasn't because he "loved" me. I thought...I thought when we came back it would be "us"." she whispered. "It's not "us". It's just "me"."
"Nat..." Deann said quietly. "Maybe he doesn't realize how this is affecting you. Natalie, maybe he doesn't know how to juggle you and his work."
"Well maybe if he didn't have to juggle us both, then it wouldn't be a problem." she murmured. Natalie hurried to put away her work. Deann watched and slid off the table.
"Wh-what are you doing?"
"Making it easy for him." she muttered.
"Natalie...don't do anything rash. You love that man. Don't make a decision on your relationship out of anger."
"I'm not...I've seen my life with Romero, Deann. It definitely isn't one that I want. But, I think a wake up call and some much needed soul searching should do the trick." Natalie grabbed her purse and left the shop with Deann looking after her. The phone's ringing went unanswered as Deann decided to just close up for the day. She just hoped Natalie and Romero could compromise.
xxxxxx
Romero pressed the end button on his cellular as he maneuvered his car through traffic. He'd ended his work day earlier than he'd expected and wanted to take Natalie out for dinner. It was long overdue for them to have a evening out together. They hadn't done anything since they'd come back from her Grandparents house. He'd been so busy lately, he hadn't even had time to get his haircut like he wanted and now it was a mass of thick curls that just brushed his shoulders. Running his hand through his hair, he sighed. Maybe he should get her some flowers. He'd never done that for her except using them to decorate for dinner. Romero wasn't any good at the relationship thing. He knew it and he hoped Natalie would forgive him for his ineptitude. He hated not being able to spend time with her the way she deserved. The way they both deserved.
Romero pulled into the driveway and hurried into the house. A huge smile upon his face at being able to hold his wife and sleep beside her after a long day. Instead when he got to their bedroom it was to see her roughly placing things in a small suitcase. Romero took in the scene and swallowed the lump in his throat.
"Natalie.." Romero called to her. She didn't bother to stop and his eyes followed her movements. "Natalie...stop, baby...stop!" he stilled her hands and held them firmly. "What's going on...why are you packing?" Natalie glared at him and snatched her hand from him to resume her packing. Romero rubbed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. "Natalie, talk to me...please..."
"No...why should I...dammit, Romero, this isn't going how I expected." Romero looked at her baffled.
"What do you mean?"
"It's like I'm living my damn child hood all over again. She left because her drugs were more important and I can see that your work holds the same value." she yelled. "Dammit, I will not come second anymore!"
"Nat, come on...don't...wait.." Romero followed her as she dragged her overflowing suitcase down the steps. He came in front of her as she began walking out. "Okay, it's obvious we have some issues and we have kinks to work out, but honey, you can't run away every time the going gets tough."
"I'm not, I'm going home, then on a trip."
"You are home, baby." he looked confused and straightened up.
"No, my apartment, Romero."
"I thought...Natalie..." Romero felt like he'd been hit with cold water at her statement. "Natalie, why do you still have your apartment?"
"Because..." she looked away shamefully, but trudged ahead. "Romero, I'm not stupid, I'm not going to give up my entire life to be with you if you're not going to do the same." she looked at him. "The two weeks has been testament to how much we need to reevaluate how important we are to each other. I want you, I want us, Romero. It's obvious that you can't say the same..."
"How do you know how I feel?" he argued. 'I love you and I do want us, but damn, we...
"Well, then me leaving for awhile shouldn't be a problem. while you figure out what's more important." she walked around him and headed out the door, Romero hot on her heels.
"This is crazy, what the hell is wrong with you? This isn't about us, Natalie, this is something else now talk to me."
"You know, it is about us. You just don't see it." she said, throwing her things in her car and shutting the back door. "You asked me what could you do weeks ago. I said you will figure it out, hoping that you wanted this to work, but Romero, this isn't going to work if you're not here to help me." she looked at him. "Since you don't know what to do, I'm going to do it for the both of us." She shut the door and started the car. Romero watched her drive off, running a hand over his head and shook it in bafflement. He was at a loss and had no idea when things turned so quickly.
Romero headed inside the house and walked up the stairs to the empty bedroom. Grumbling to himself he flopped on the bed and picked up the phone. Rosario answered on the second ring and Romero blew a raspberry as he told her what happened.
"Rome! Good grief, what did I tell you! Why?" she chastized him. "You fix it and you fix it now!" she hung up without another word.
"How am I supposed to fix it!!" he yelled to the empty bedroom. Romero decided to wait a minute for her to cool off before going to get her. He just needed to figure out what to say when he got there.
19
Natalie should have known he would just come on over. She sat in the middle of the empty living room with a bottle of wine and the sound of her radio playing in the background. The front door opening and closing told her that she wasn't alone anymore. Romero sat across from her, folding his legs and picked up her wine glass, taking a small sip. He looked at her, really looked at her and twisted his mouth in shame.
"I know what you want, honey." he whispered. "Tomorrow I'll do a schedule to keep our family life first and foremost. It's just hard, Natalie going from working 18 hrs days to the basic 8 to 10 instead. I'm not used to it and the people I deal with aren't going to wait for me. I have a big ass company to run and even I get tired of staying up late just to do a conference call. Travelling just to do an "in person" contact meeting only to fly back and jump back into my own work schedule. It was okay because it was just me." Romero looked down into his glass, fingering the stem before continuing. "But I know I have to think about our future. Children are not going to wait for Daddy to come home to grow up and my wife is not going to fall deeper in love with me when I'm not there to tell her how much she means to me." Natalie looked at him and hiccupped as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"I just want you, Romero." she whispered. "I understand, but I just want you to want me just as much."
"I do, Nat. Really, I do." Romero looked around the empty apartment and still felt the sting of her not giving it up because she still didn't think they would work. "Why did you keep the apartment, Natalie?"
"I don't know." she whispered. "I guess I just didn't want to lose myself completely. I do love you, but sometimes when I'm in the house, it doesn't feel like it's mine."
"What's mine is yours."
"It was yours first and you are all over it. It's as if your life hadn't changed, Romero. You still get to keep everything that makes you feel comfortable." Romero nodded, understanding where she was coming from.
"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know you felt that way."
"We never talked about this part because it wasn't part of the plan.' she rubbed her forehead and sighed. "But rea
lity is setting in and it's not at all what we imagined."
"No, it's not and I can't say that I helped the situation either." Romero wanted to kiss her and hold her, but he held back. He didn't see her luggage and wondered if she was planning on going back to the house. "What trip?" he remembered. Natalie took a deep breath.
"My Quilt show." she whispered. Another thing he'd forgotten that she'd told him about when they were at her grandparent's house. He'd promised to attend it with her since her Grandmother would not be there. Now from the look of his face, it had not been a thought since then. "Don't worry, you don't have to come with me." she said.
"No, Nat! Dammit...I screwed this up royally." He looked at her and she could see the apology in his eyes, but Natalie didn't want to give into it. "I can still come, let me..."
"NO!" Natalie stood, bringing the bottle with her and pouring the remaining liquid in the sink.
"Why not?" Romero followed after her, feeling her slipping from him and wanting to grab on before it was out of his grasp completely. He felt the beginning of panic start to overcome him. "I want to...Nat..please."
"Romero..." she closed her eyes for a moment. "No."
"Nat..."
"No." Romero started to speak again and she shook her head before he could downright start begging.
"You're coming back, right?" he asked.
"Maybe."
"Nat? Come on...don't..."
"Good Night, Romero." her voice stern and Romero knew that there would be no room for arguing. Natalie had made up her mind. At least he knew that much about her.
"I love you." he came toward her and kissed her lightly on the lips before leaving, closing the door gently behind him.
Natalie sniffled and fought the urge to go after him. She had to stand her ground. She had to let him know that their relationship required both of them. Not just her. Closing her eyes she turned off the lights and shut the door behind her. Walking to her car, she got in and sat for a moment lost in thought before starting it. Driving toward the quilt shop for the Quilts that her Grandmother had wanted to show and the one that she had planned on entering she thought about what the next few days held for her. It wasn't as exciting as it had been for the past few years that her Grandmother had taken her. Grandma Lyn was missing and she was missing her more than ever.
"Grandma." she whispered in the silence of the car's interior.
Natalie pulled up to the shop a few minutes later and ran in. She located the three quilts easily and prepared them for the road trip. While concentrating on the task, she checked the time. It was just after seven o'clock and she would need to hurry if she was going to get to the hotel before they gave her room away. The sound of the shop door caught her attention and she walked back toward the front praying it wasn't Romero as she had no idea what she'd do if she saw him again.
"I'm sorry, but we're..." she stopped in mid-sentence at what or more like who stood before. "Mom?" she breathed.
20
She stood at the same height as Natalie, with the same big eyes and soft face. They were the same everything. Although after almost twenty years, drug abuse and lifestyle, Paula wasn't as youthful anymore. Her face was fuller, as was her body. A small smile was planted on her lips, apprehension filling her eyes and face. Her heart pounded at seeing her daughter after so many years. Fear being the number one reason for staying away. Paula now wished she could take it all back.
"What...what?" Natalie felt the anger, shock, happiness that she was alright, even alive, clash with one another. The mix of emotions seemed to overwhelm her and she couldn't think of anything to say. The woman before her had abandoned her long before she'd actually left, the question was, what did she want and why did she come back now?
"Natalie..." Her voice cracked, clearing her throat, she looked around the shop slowly before coming back to Natalie's shocked expression."I had this all figured out, but..."
"What are you doing here?" Natalie cut her off with the curt question. Her voice was low and left no room for games.
"I-I..." she took a deep breath, tears gathering in her eyes."I just found out about my mother." she whispered.
"That was almost two months ago and before that, she'd been sick a pretty damn long time." Anger began quickly replacing her shock and Natalie wished the woman would leave.
"Look, um..." Paula held up her hands in defense as she pulled herself together. "I know...I know this is sudden and really, I never planned on disrupting your life, Natalie. Especially after what I've done." she whispered. "Can...Can you please give me a moment of your time. Can you have a cup of coffee with me?" She started. "Just one...please?"
Natalie looked at her hard and a war began between her heart and her mind. The one where it said she was owed an apology for everything that this woman did to her, but her heart was hard against wanting what that little girl inside had always wanted. Her mother to love her unconditionally and more than the white powder she would shoot in her arm.
"I can't. I am on my way to a Quilt show..."
"She took you to those, huh?" Paula grinned. "And here you are, continuing the tradition."
"Is that supposed to be a slight?" Natalie retorted. Paula shook her head.
"No, no….Natalie…Nat…Please…it won't take long. I promise. Please." Natalie thought for a few seconds. She would give this woman a moment of her time, after that, she was never getting anymore of it again. Natalie thought to call Romero, but decided not to, this was her problem.
xxxxxx
"It's closing in a few minutes." she muttered as they walked toward the cafe that was only a few doors down from the quilt shop. Paula gave her a quick nod and they entered the shop and ordered their coffees. Paula watched Natalie for a moment as they sat at a table. Noticing the beautiful rings on her finger, she felt a sense of happiness and pride at her daughters accomplishments.
"You're married?" she asked. Natalie nodded.
"Only for a couple of months."
"Newlyweds..." Paula chuckled. "Congratulations." Natalie muttered a thank you before looking at her cup. "I guess...I'm sorry, Natalie. I know it won't make up for everything, but I mean it when I say I'm sorry."
"Yeah, you're right, it won't." Natalie would be lying if she said she didn't have any questions or needed any explanations. She was still spinning and had no idea what to ask or what to do. "Why?" was the only question she managed to get out.
Paula stared into the deep brown eyes of her child, knowing that her past deeds were reflected in them. She should have never had children; it would have saved Natalie a whole lot of pain and grief. But, she couldn't take it back and if she had the opportunity, she'd do it differently.
"I don't have an excuse, Natalie. I don't have an explanation that would make you or me feel better. I was an addict, plain and simple as that. The drugs began to come first and even my life was second. Chasing that high was all I could think about then." She swallowed hard and looked into the liquid, a tear made waves into it and Paula quickly wiped her eyes. "I'm clean now. It was hard, a struggle, and it took me near fifteen years to do. I've been two years clean." she whispered. "I still crave it some days, but I gotta take it day by day."
Natalie sat back and stared at her, unable to conjure up her own congratulations, or a "that's great, Mom". Paula could see the distance. She wanted so badly to touch her. To hug her, to erase all the hurt.
"I remember the night you were born, Natalie. I was so afraid you'd be one of those addict babies. I'd done so much shit in the beginning, that I was sure you'd be deformed. I had no business bringing a life into this world. No business, but you were determined. I even had you two months early, but you were hell bent on living." she gave a proud smile.
"Why didn't you just give me up for adoption?" Natalie whispered. "It would have been so much better."
""Natalie, I wake up every day knowing that I cannot take back what I've done to you. I couldn't get high to forget. I've been so scared to come ask Mama or Daddy to forgiv
e me. To ask you to forgive me. I realize it was selfish of me to be afraid of getting my feelings hurt when I've done more hurt to those the loved me. But something made me take those last steps. When I finally got the nerve to come, Mama had passed already. I felt lost and guilty that I never told her I was sorry. I didn't let her see that I was alright. It was just you left and I don't think I was ready to face you yet. I'm sorry and if it counts for anything, I did...still do...love you." Paula began to get up and Natalie shook her head and snorted.
"Wow, you cannot just pop up here and then leave! What kind of sick shit is this!?" Natalie growled, she was too upset to think coherently After the Romero debacle, here she was with the woman that had prevented her from having a decent relationship of any kind. How ironic was this? "Are you crazy!? Do you have a conscious? You should have just die me a favor and stayed away. Why did you decide now to come back? Grandma Lyn is dead! She'd dead and you should have counted me dead too! You should...You should...dammit!" Natalie had nothing else and ran out of the cafe only to see Romero looking through her shop door.
"Oh, there you are, Nat...I can't let you leave.." he stopped when he saw her tears and hurried toward her. "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"
"Romero..." she sobbed as he embraced her tightly. Romero unsure as to what was going on just held her.
Paula stood a safe distance from the two, looking at Romero cautiously, but by the way that he held and cooed over Natalie, she knew that was her husband. Her mother had raised her daughter well and Natalie had flourished in the love her parents had once given her. She fought the need to introduce herself and instead watched as Romero led them both away from the shop. Paula decided to let Natalie calm down before she saw her again. She wrote her cellular on a piece of paper and then placed it under the door.
Paula hated coming back in Natalie's life so sudden and like this, but Natalie was all she had left that she could call family. Paula did want to make up for the awful way she'd been a mother. Maybe she couldn't undo the past, but she could start over for a more positive future.
Finding Mrs. Right Page 12