At her car, Steve opened her door. “So, when’s the big day?”
“Probably a couple of days.”
“Is your mom taking you?”
“No.” Jenny wrinkled up her nose. “I want to do it alone. It’s kind of personal.”
He nodded, but she didn’t think he really understood. “If you need anything, call.”
“Thanks.” Shoving her hands deep into her pants pockets, Jenny looked up at him. “For everything.”
Jenny knew Steve wouldn’t acknowledge the grief she’d caused him professionally. Now that he’d forgiven her, he’d let it go. Jenny wracked her brain to think of something she could give him or something she could do to show Steve how thankful she was. She needed him to know how much his friendship meant to her, but so far she’d come up empty.
Steve brushed bangs from her eyes. She froze, holding her breath as his fingers skimmed her cheek, trailing lightly down her jaw in a lingering caress. She closed her eyes as he bent forward and pressed a light kiss to her lips.
“You’re welcome. Drive carefully.”
Jenny’s eyelids flew open as she felt him move away. He’d kissed her. A sweet gentle kiss, intimate and deliberate, blowing all thoughts from her mind.
He’d kissed her on the lips, then walked away? What the heck?
Chapter 27
Steve couldn’t sleep. Again. For the third dang night in a row. He rose up on his elbow. The neon green three thirty-seven on his alarm clock mocked him. Damn it. He punched his pillow and flopped onto his back. The past month, keeping busy setting up his new practice had allowed him a decent measure of sleep, then one little dinner with Jenny, she mentions insemination and it’s blown to smithereens. He dreamed about Jenny and a newborn. Gabe’s newborn. He wanted it to be his. Why shouldn’t it be his?
Gabe was gone, damn it. Steve’s jaw clamped shut. Why shouldn’t he love Jenny? He couldn’t come up with one solid reason, except that she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship with anybody. But she hadn’t said so…This baby, being a single mom, certainly was a new life direction. Maybe she was ready.
Are you ready to raise Gabe’s baby? His annoying conscience asked. Didn’t work out so well with Annie and her kids, now did it?
That was different. But alike enough to give him pause. How did Jenny even feel about him? Did she ever think of him as more than a friend? They had fun playing tennis and games together. They liked the same movies—for the most part. They enjoyed talking together, sharing work. They had a lot in common. She cared; he’d bet his house on it.
They’d had an amazing time at the Christmas party—that’d been romantic. And over the past few months he’d caught her looking at him oddly, as if noticing what had been under her nose all along. That was encouraging.
Unless you’re making it up ’cause you’re desperate to believe you might have a chance with her.
No, he pursed his lips and shook his head. There was something there; otherwise she’d have slapped him for kissing her. Hard. The impulsive kiss he’d given her after dinner had surprised her, yet Jenny hadn’t pulled back or pushed him away. That was a good sign. There was definitely something there.
She’s going to have his baby, his little voice reminded.
Yeah, but maybe she wouldn’t, if she knew how much he loved her.
But she doesn’t know, now does she, numbnut? ’Cause you’ve never told her.
Wha—He stopped breathing with the realization, then blew out a deep breath of frustration. He’d never actually said the words. Would it make a difference? Should it make a difference? Shit, he didn’t know, but she should know how he felt. He had to tell her before her doctor’s appointment—if it wasn’t too late already.
Steve threw himself out of bed, slipped his bare feet into sneakers, pulled on the first shirt his hand landed on, put his watch on and was halfway across the drive before he realized it was still dark outside. He held up his watch to catch the streetlight’s glow. Four in the morning. Jenny would be sleeping. Clenching his teeth, he returned to his house to wait until a decent hour.
At seven o’ clock, Steve couldn’t stand the inactivity another second. Fueled by three cups of coffee, he showered, shaved, and dressed. Nervous thoughts combined with the caffeine jumped around his brain, having him nearly vibrating out of his skin.
He fixed eggs and bacon to push around the plate, hoping food would take the edge off his jitters. It didn’t. Finally, after watching the sun slowly crest the lake, he strode out the door and retrieved her morning paper.
Breathing deeply to prevent hyperventilating, Steve wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and marched toward Jenny’s house, feeling as nervous and ill as he had when he’d pitched his first professional game in front of fifty thousand people.
He rapped twice on the screen before trying the door. Locked. He knocked again. Dressed in a white robe, Jenny opened the door and smiled in surprise.
“Newspaper boy. New profession?” she asked as she looped a lock of hair behind her ear.
Steve took in her mussed hair and sleepy face. She looked so cuddly wrapped in a new white terry robe. At least she wasn’t still wearing Gabe’s; he tried not to attach any great significance to the observation but failed.
He returned her smile. “I was out getting mine and thought I’d save you the trip.” Never mind he only had her newspaper in hand.
Jenny took the paper he handed her. “Want some coffee?”
More coffee to fuel his nerves? That was exactly what he didn’t need, but this was one of those times when his brain had absolutely no control over his mouth. “Sure,” he followed her in and closed the door behind him.
“You’re pretty perky for this early in the morning.”
Perky? Zinging, jazzed, humming, buzzing, hyper.
“I’ve been up a while.” Steve rolled back off the balls of his feet where he’d been nearly bouncing and forced himself to stroll into the kitchen. He stretched his neck from side to side, then took a seat at the table.
Jenny handed him his coffee with cream and sat across from him, tucking her legs under her until just her painted pink toenails showed. Lips puckering, she blew on her coffee before taking a tentative sip. “How come?”
His eyes concentrated on her luscious lips. “Huh?”
“How come you’ve been up for hours?”
The perfect lead-in. He’d rehearsed a half-dozen ways to bring up the subject and he needn’t have—she’d done it for him. Steve looked at her, relaxed, slouching in her chair, waiting for his answer, and his courage almost failed him.
She was comfortable with him. What if he ruined that? What if she hated him? He looked at the corner of the table, unwilling to see the confusion settle in her eyes.
“I couldn’t sleep. There’s something I need to tell you—something you need to know.”
Jenny put her coffee down. “I already know. I’ve always known.”
His head snapped up. She knew? Why didn’t she say something? Because she didn’t care for him or because she wasn’t ready for another relationship? He snapped his slack mouth shut. “You do?”
She nodded. “How come you’re admitting it now?” She took another sip of coffee.
“I, uh, I thought you should know—have you gone to the doctor’s to…” He swallowed hard. “For…it?”
Jenny shook her head. “This afternoon.”
“I just thought you should know before then.”
“Why.” She cocked her head to the side. “What difference does it make?”
Wha—? His heart dropped. “I thought it might make a difference to—to your decision to, um.”
Jenny put the coffee cup down, frowning. “What does your getting fired have to do with my in vitro?”
“Fired?” He didn’t know whether to be relieved, exasperated, or scared. “Jen. That’s not what I was going to say.”
“You didn’t get fired because of my case?”
He frowned; exasperation won out.
“Yes, but that’s not it.”
“Then what?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” she said, too quickly to have really thought about it.
“No, Jenny.” He paused, gaining her full attention. “I’m in love with you.”
“Oh.” Her eyes grew wide. “Oh.”
Steve stared at his hands, wrapped around the coffee mug as if it were a lifeline.
“Oh.” Her cheeks turned dusky rose with the realization.
Oh. Not exactly the response he’d been hoping for, but not revulsion either. He hurried on. “You might not be ready yet, but I think there’s something more than friendship here. I know the timing stinks.” He breathed out, trying to calm down so that he could rationally present his case. “But you should know how I feel before you go through with it.”
Eyes solemn, Jenny studied him. “So…you’re telling me now because you don’t want me to have the baby?”
“Yes.” He washed a hand over his face. “I know it’s totally selfish of me. I want you to be happy and I know how badly you want a child. I just wish that the baby could be mine. Gabe was a great guy, and I respect the love you guys had, but I’m sorry.” He looked to where Ritz lay on the floor across the kitchen before forcing himself to face her. “I don’t want you to have it. I want a chance.
“I’ve loved you and hated myself for years. Had Gabe lived, I would’ve found a way to get over you. I would never have tried to come between you and Gabe—you gotta believe that.” Steve stared at her, needing her to read the truth in his eyes. “But he’s gone and I’m still here. And I love you. And all I’m asking for is a chance.”
Jenny’s eyes clouded. “A chance?”
“To be with you. To see if we have a future together.” He hurried on. “The other night when I kissed you, you felt something—well, at least you weren’t repulsed. And we’re good friends. A lot of marriages have started out with less.”
“Marriage?” Now her eyes popped open wide.
“Not right away,” he hurried to assure her. “First we’d date a while and then let things develop naturally. I just wanted you to know that I’m—I’m—” he floundered, “not afraid of commitment or anything.”
“Steve…” Jenny’s mouth opened and closed several times. She shrugged. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, obviously I care for you—a lot. You’re my best friend. But the in love, and…marriage is—Wow. I don’t know.”
Remind her, his conscience whispered. She has a right to know.
“In the interest of full disclosure…I should remind you that there’s a good chance I could be sterile.” He looked her in the eye. “I probably can’t father any children.”
Being sterile had never really bothered him before, but in the face of Jenny’s desire for Gabe’s baby, he felt like a huge failure. He couldn’t give her what she wanted most, yet here he was, still asking her to give them a chance.
“There’s medicine I can take,” he blurted out, “but even if it worked, it’d involve surgery and probably in vitro fertilization still. I’d be willing to do it, but it still might not work.”
A deep frown puckered Jenny’s brow while she rimmed her coffee mug with one index finger, thinking. “Hmmm. If we did have difficulty conceiving, we could use Gabe’s sperm,” she raised eyes lit with hope and purpose. “It’s perfect. Like it’s our destiny. This makes sense of Gabe’s death.”
“What?”
“You probably can’t have children, and I have Gabe’s sperm. That solves the problem.”
“No. I don’t want you to have his baby. Ever.”
Jenny frowned. “Why not? That’s unreasonable.”
“Maybe, but that’s the way I feel.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous?” He fisted his hands on the table. “I’ll tell you what’s ridiculous. I was a decent guy before you came along. You move in next door and suddenly I’m a fucking asshole who loves a married woman—not just any married woman, but my good friend who trusted me and whom I liked and admired. Very much.” He paused, letting the truth sink in. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch you with Gabe, wishing it was me who’d met you first? Wishing it was me you loved?
“For the first time in my life, my self-control deserted me. I hated myself until I got engaged to Annie, and well, you know what a mistake that was. Then Gabe died and I had to wonder if maybe I hadn’t subconsciously wished him gone so I’d have a chance with you. How fucking despicable does that make me?
“I tried to make amends. I tried to be a good friend. I helped you win your lawsuit. But God help me, the thought of his baby growing in you—especially when we both know he probably didn’t even want it, makes me sick to my stomach.”
He scowled until his eyes ached. “I know it’s unreasonable. I could raise Gabe’s kid. But after what I went through with Annie…You’d always see this baby as yours—yours and his. You might not think it now, but I wouldn’t be a real dad to his child—especially if it looked like him.
“What if it was a boy? What if you accused me of being unfair to him because I was jealous he was Gabe’s, not mine? What if I resented the baby? What if I wasn’t strong enough? It could easily come between us and that wouldn’t be fair you, me, or the baby.”
He sighed and raised scared eyes to her. “The truth is…a part of me wants you any way I can have you. But a larger part of me says you have to choose. I’d take the medicine and have surgery. I’d even be willing to consider insemination with a stranger’s sperm—just not Gabe’s. We need to let him go. I need you to choose me.”
Finishing, his heart pounding like he’d run the sixty-yard dash in six point three seconds, he wiped sweaty hands on his jeans.
Jenny sat silent, looking stunned. “I…don’t know what to say.”
Steve ran a hand through his hair. “I know I’m a selfish prick. But I have to know you love me as much as him.” I need proof that I’m at least as important to you as he was.
Jenny looked at him, confusion and hurt imprinted all over her expressive face. “That’s not fair.”
“I know.” Steve nodded and pursed his lips, never hating himself more.
“You can’t make me choose.”
He had to.
Jenny bit her lip and then looked at him, suddenly hopeful. “You might change your mind.”
“No.” He’d learned that from Annie. He wasn’t going to settle. He’d rather be alone than with the wrong woman.
They were quiet for a few moments. Neither looked at the other for fear of what they’d see. Finally she broke the miserable silence. “If I choose to go through with the in vitro?”
He bit his lower lip. Nausea boiled in his gut. “I’d have to leave.” Steve steeled himself against the tears brightening her eyes.
“So I have to choose between loving you or having children?”
He shook his head. “You don’t get to choose who you love. You have to decide between a future with me—possibly without children, and life without me but with Gabe’s child—maybe.”
“But assisted conceptions are okay?”
Steve fisted his hands tightly at his side to keep from grabbing her and pulling her close. If he touched her, he wouldn’t stop and their physical attraction would only further muddle things. He stared at her as if he could burn the truth of his feelings into her with the strength of his gaze and will.
“Jenny, I love you more than I can say. If we were together, I’d consult every medical expert, try whatever it took to have a child with you. But if everything failed, I have to know you’d still love me.”
Jenny digested this new information. “What about adoption?”
“Adoption,” he drew out the word thoughtfully, “is an alternative.”
“Just not Gabe’s baby.”
Steve pursed his lips, feeling every bit the bastard he was. “I know it’s unreasonable, but that’s the way I feel.”
She ringed her coffee cup be
fore looking up at him. “Your timing really sucks, Grant.”
“I know.” He stood, looked at the crown of her silky brown head.
Disappointment commingled with resignation. Well, what’d he expect? That he’d throw her life into turmoil again and she’d fall all over him with declarations of love and devotion?
It hadn’t even been a year since Gabe’s death—only eight months. He wasn’t looking forward to that anniversary. Jenny probably wasn’t ready for another relationship, but it was only right that she knew how he felt. He’d presented his case as best he could; now it was up to her.
Steve couldn’t stop himself from moving forward and cupping the back of her head. Closing his eyes, he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “See you later.”
At the sweet smell of her hair, fresh from the shower, he leaned close again to nuzzle her temple. He moved to her soft lips, which parted in welcome as her arms clutched his shoulders pulling him closer. Her tongue darted across his lips until he ground his mouth into hers in a primitive urge to take his mate.
One hand gripped the back of her chair while the other bunched her robe at her throat, crushing it together to keep him from yanking it off. Her soft moans of pleasure and fingers furrowing in his hair shot hot currents of desire through his hardening body. Panting with need and restraint, Steve turned his mouth aside and rested his forehead on hers.
Don’t do it, man. Play fair.
No matter how badly Steve wanted to brand her with his scent, touch and kiss her until her lips were swollen and all desire for Gabe left her forever, he wouldn’t. He watched his hand at her throat rapidly rise and fall with her respiration. Her pupils were dilated, eyes soft with desire. She was as turned on as he. He could pick her up and carry her to bed right now and make love until they were both exhausted and sore. But he wouldn’t. Not this morning.
Forcing his fist open, Steve stretched his fingers wide, releasing her robe. With trembling, damp hands, he meticulously smoothed the wrinkled fabric and slowly straightened. He looked into her luminous eyes, soft with passion. “I love you.”
Just Destiny Page 34