What do you call a man with mucus in his throat?
Fleming.
How do you keep from dying?
Just stay in the living room.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Stan.
Stan who?
Stan back, I’m about to vomit.
Did you hear what happened to the plastic surgeon?
He sat in front of a fire and melted.
Why did everyone call Dirty Darrel a wonder child?
Because they all wondered when he was going to take a bath.
What’s risky?
Eating raisin bran when your brother can’t find his roach collection.
Why should you listen to your father when he tells you not to pick your nose?
Father nose best.
Chapter 27
Beyond the Grave:
Ghosts, Ghouls, and Zombies
How does a mummy begin all his letters?
Tomb it may concern.
Why did the goblins show up at the cemetery before dark?
They didn’t want to miss the early bird special.
Why didn’t anyone want to go to the zombie hair salon?
Because the hairdressers all dyed on the job.
What do you call a dead chicken that haunts you at night?
A poultry-geist.
GROSS-O-METER
In some ancient societies people honored their dead by eating them. Most of the body was cooked, except the brain. The brain was eaten raw. Eating the raw brain of your dear Uncle Harry gets a ten on the Gross-o-meter scale.
Did you hear about the ghoul who was sick to his stomach?
It must have been someone he ate.
What do ghouls eat for dinner?
A three-corpse meal.
Where do ghouls go on vacation?
Lake Eerie.
What did the zombie’s friend say to him when he introduced his girlfriend?
Oh my, where did you dig her up?
Why do demons and ghouls go together so well?
Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
GROSS-O-METER
Until about sixty years ago, coffins were very rarely made to fit each person’s body size. If you happened to be extra tall, you were out of luck. Undertakers would break a dead person’s ankles and fold them over backward to fit. That ranks a nine on the Gross-o-meter scale.
When is it not a good time to bury someone?
When he is still breathing.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Turner.
Turner who?
Turner ’round—there’s a giant ghoul
right behind you!
Why did the zombie study Latin?
He wanted to learn a dead language.
What was the gravedigger’s favorite song?
Oh What a Beautiful Mourning.
What did one sick casket say to the other?
Is that you coffin?
How does a person who cremates bodies make his money?
He urns it.
Why was the mortuary makeup artist fired?
Everyone thought she was a stiff.
Seriously Sick
In the past, people were sometimes accidentally buried before they were actually dead! This became such a common occurrence that something had to be done. Mourners began tying strings attached to bells around the fingers of the dead before the burial. This way, if someone was really still alive, he simply had to ring the bell for help.
What About Jimmy?
There are three different letters missing from this riddle. Once you fill in the blanks, you will find out what happened to Jimmy!
What did the man in the electric chair ask for?
To have the charges reversed.
Why did the gravedigger keep a pail on the sidewalk?
So someone would kick the bucket.
What’s an ax murderer’s favorite drink?
Slice.
How do morticians speak?
Gravely.
What’s the hardest part about becoming a funeral director?
The stiff competition.
Why did the dead boy stay home from school?
He was feeling rotten.
GROSS-O-METER
In 1999, John Lamedica made the Guinness Book of World Records by getting into a coffin with 20,050 giant Madagascan hissing cockroaches. Getting into a coffin when you’re not dead and then having 20,050 of anything, let alone giant hissing creatures, crawling all over you gets a ten on the Gross-o-meter scale.
Why couldn’t the skeleton fart in a crowded place?
It had no guts.
What did the skeleton buy at the supermarket?
Spare ribs.
Fred: Did you hear about the coffin that just covers the head?
Ed: No, why’s that?
Fred: It’s for people like you who are dead from the neck up.
What are you supposed to do with an overweight ghost?
Exorcise him.
What do people do as they die?
They bite the dust.
What did the morbid mortician say when he walked into the crematorium?
What’s cooking?
Why don’t ghosts ever lie?
Because you can see right through them.
Goblin 1: Let’s go get some dinner at the graveyard.
Goblin 2: Shall we order out some ribs?
Goblin 1: No, they’re always cold by the time we get them home.
Why didn’t the skeleton like his job?
His heart wasn’t in it.
GROSS-O-METER
Killer seaweed known as caulerpa taxifolia covers thousands of acres of the ocean floor, destroying food for other sea creatures. It’s known as a major underwater predator because its slimy clutches grab onto anything it can find. Deadly seaweed gets an eight on the Gross-o-meter scale.
How do you find a corpse at a zombie family reunion?
The corpse is the one with an expression on his face.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why don’t skeletons play instruments in church?
They have no organs.
Why don’t ghouls get up before sunrise?
It never dawned on them.
Why were there long lines at the cemetery?
People were dying to get in.
What did the mummy say when he entered the morgue?
Anybody home?
Why did the man get buried up to his waist?
Because he said he felt half dead.
What do you do if you meet a skeleton in a dark alley?
Jump out of your skin and say hello.
Why did the mortician prefer cremations?
It helped him urn more.
Why did the mortician cut up the corpse’s nose?
To see what made it run.
Foul Language
Scavenger
Scavengers are animals such as vultures that prey on the already dead. For example, road kill is considerable cause for celebration among scavengers that don’t like to work for their dinner.
Grime Time
PUZZLE 1: Find the one time in the letter grid that the word GRIME is spelled correctly. Words can run up, down, diagonally, backward, or forward.
PUZZLE 2: Can you figure out the one letter that is missing from these six words that mean GRIME?
Seriously Sick
Did you ever wonder why dead people are often called stiffs? Well, it’s because that’s exactly what happens. Soon after someone dies, blood stops circulating and muscles become stiff. This condition is known as rigor mortis. It lasts for about two days until the body begins to relax again.
What do ghouls like on their potatoes?
Grave-y.
What do a corpse and an insect artist have in common?
They both draw flies.
Did you hear about the mummy that ate a light bulb?
He threw it up and now he’s delighted.
Why do ghosts scream when someone dies?
The dead are hard of hearing.
Why did the mortician have such a big party?
The morgue the merrier.
Funeral Director: You’re sure you want to buy these bodies?
Goblin: Yes, please.
Funeral Director: Shall I wrap them up?
Goblin: No thanks, I’ll eat them here.
How do mummies make a phone call?
With a touch-tomb phone.
Rude Rebus Riddles
To solve a rebus puzzle, you must identify each picture, adding or subtracting letters as you read from left to right. The answer will sound correct, but may not be spelled correctly!
HINT: Some words are shown with only one picture—some take more.
What does a cannibal call a man in a hammock?
Why don’t ghosts ever tell lies?
Which tiny magical being leaves farts under your pillow?
What should a carpenter never hit with a hammer?
What do you call a skeleton who goes around ringing bells?
A dead ringer.
How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?
Chop off his hands.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
He needed a light snack.
Seriously Sick
Did you ever hear of the Black Death? This was a plague that plowed through Europe during the 1300s. It wiped out entire villages, killing about one-third of the European population. Once you got hit with the plague, the only place you were headed was the grave.
How do you keep a dead body from smelling?
Cut off its nose.
Who writes scripts for demon movies?
Crypt writers.
What is a skeleton snake called?
A rattler.
What did the mummy son call his parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Why did the funeral director chop up the corpses?
He wanted them to rest in pieces.
How did the body look after cremation?
Ashen.
What’s a skeleton?
Bones with the person scraped off.
Chapter 28
Stinky Stuff
Boyfriend: What is that perfume you’re wearing?
Girlfriend: High Heaven.
Boyfriend: I asked what perfume it is, not what it stinks to.
What’s long, rotten, and smells of cheese?
Your toenails.
Seriously Sick
The human body has about a quart of gas inside at any one time just bursting to come out. Usually the food you eat causes this. Gas can travel through your body in as little as thirty minutes, but burps come up right away. You burp or fart about fifteen times a day!
Why do so many people hate their noses?
Because they smell.
What did the judge say to the skunk that was on trial?
Odor in the court.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about
the foul odor in here?
Gross A to Z
Write each of the seven-letter words into the boxes in alphabetical order, starting with the top row and working your way to the bottom. When you’re finished, read down the shaded columns to get the answers to these two riddles:
1. What science fiction movie features a toad?
2. What’s a fat vampire called?
What prize do people get if they cure themselves of body odor?
The no-smell peace prize.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Philip.
Philip who?
Philip the tub, you stink.
What do you call a man who smells like fish?
Poor sole.
What do diapers and garbage trucks have in common?
They both hold a smelly load.
Foul Language
Flatulence
This is just a fancy word for farts. When there’s too much gas in your digestive tract, you’ve got flatulence. So if you want to impress someone the next time they fart, just tell them their flatulence is not appreciated. If you’ve got to talk about farts, why not do it in style?
Seriously Sick
Did you ever wonder why dogs sniff each other’s rear ends? They have a scent gland right there that helps them recognize one another. Once they know if they’re dealing with a dangerous Doberman or a precious poodle, then they can act accordingly.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody bathe anymore?
Pew!
What do body odor and peaches have in common?
They both grow around pits.
The Art of Fart
The Tire Fart
This fart is so powerful it sounds like a tire deflating in your pants.
Jail Fart
It’s been inside you for some time and you want to let it out. However, you have to wait for the perfect opportunity for it to make its great escape.
Stuck-up Fart
This is when you think your farts don’t stink—but they do!
Home Alone Fart
This is when you are home all by yourself so you just let them rip all over the place—loud and free.
Tie Your Shoe Fart
This is when you bend over to tie your shoe laces, and whoops! You let one loose, right in front of Grandma!
The Stainer
This is when you think it’s just a fart but it turns out to be a bit more. Now you have to walk around like that all day and hope it dries up.
The Big Bad Fart
This fart makes its presence known in every way possible— with a puff of gas that could blow papers off a desk, a stench so horrible it could kill small animals, and a sound like thunder coming from your pants.
Firing the Missile
This one comes out fast and straight. You don’t have much time to aim, but if you’re good, you can use your little brother as a target.
The Unidentified Fart
This is when you know you farted, but nobody can prove it was you.
The Stubborn Fart
This fart just won’t come out, no matter how badly you want it to. It could take minutes or even hours to release this gassy blast. But when it comes, you feel a lot better.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Pea.
Pea who?
Pea U, stop farting!
Mrs. Skunk:
Why did you buy so many
boxes of tissues?
Mr. Skunk:
Because I have a stinking cold.
What did the blind skunk do?
He fell in love with a fart.
What do you get when you cross a horse and a skunk?
Whinny the Pew.
What do you call a newborn skunk?
A little stinker.
Why did the fish smell so bad?
Long time no sea.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke out, here comes a big fart.
Totally Twisted
There’s nothing like smelly feet to prove how gross you are. Follow this advice to really make a stink. Sweat a lot and don’t wear any socks. Don’t bathe for a week. After that, more than your feet will stink. Rub garlic all over the bottom of your feet to make them extra super-duper smelly. Then show them off to all your friends!
Foul Language
Pus
You know that slimy, oozing stuff that comes out of a cut when it’s infected? That’s pus. Sometimes it’s yellow and sometimes it’s green—and it doesn’t smell very good. If you’ve got pus oozing out of any part of your body, it’s probably time for a trip to the doctor’s office.
What do you get if y
ou cross a skunk and an owl?
A bird that smells but doesn’t give a hoot.
Fred: Did you hear about the man who ate 100 cloves of garlic and then passed out?
Ed: No, what happened to him?
Fred: The doctor said it was from inhaling his own breath.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Jurassic.
Jurassic who?
Jurassic person if you like
these gross jokes.
What goes “Ha, Ha, Ha, PLOP!”
To find out, start at the letter S marked with a dot. Twist your way over and under, reading every other letter until you get to the end. Then
turn around and head back down, reading all the letters you jumped over!
HINT: It helps to cross the letters off as you go.
What do flies and stinky feet have in common?
You can shoe them but they never go away.
How do you keep a pig from smelling?
Plug his nose.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sara.
Sara who?
Sara bad smell in the room?
Totally Twisted
Make burping sounds using a balloon, baking soda, vinegar, and a funnel. Using the funnel, pour a quarter of a cup of vinegar in the balloon. Add a tablespoon of baking soda.
Squeeze the balloon closed with your fingers. Slowly release your grip, but continue to hold on to the bottom of the balloon. You’ll hear a nasty burp.
Gross Garret likes . . .
. . . to pick boogers, but not snot
. . . to sneeze, but not cough
. . . to hiccup, but not burp
. . . to poop, but not fart
. . . to get muddy, but not sticky
Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Page 19