by Jami Wagner
He’s right. What am I going to say?
This time when he walks away from me, I let him.
I’ve spent so much time trying to make my life perfect that I missed the part where it already was. I mean, isn’t love supposed to be easy?
Love. Is that even what this is?
I stare at his closed door.
I have a feeling I won’t ever know the answer.
Chapter Eighteen
Lennox
As it turns out, when a person and her best friend are having guy troubles, neither is very good at the whole boosting each other up thing. The empty pint of mint chocolate chip between us is a pretty good giveaway that hope isn’t exactly the vibe filling Kass’s dorm right now.
“He’s going to be a dad,” Kass says again. Her voice hasn’t had any emotion since I got here. “He’s going to be a dad.”
Oh, and that’s the sentence she’s repeated more than anything else.
“When was the last time he called you?” I ask, leaning back on what should be her roommate’s bed but is now a vacant mattress since her roommate dropped out right before the holiday break. The idea that I should start bunking with her has crossed my mind, but despite the situation I’m in, I can’t bring myself to move out. To be honest, it’s been three days since Tripp and I have spoken, and I think most of that is because he hasn’t come back to the apartment. Winston texted me once to say that Tripp was staying with him, but that was it. When I asked how Tripp was, I didn’t even get the three dots to say he considered replying. That only made me madder. I won’t settle for both of them hating me.
“Right now,” Kass says, waving her phone in my face to show Mark’s face. I’d already forgotten I’d asked her about it. Like I said, it’s really hard to give advice when you can’t even figure out your own love life.
“Do you think I overreacted?” she asks.
“When?”
“When he told me he’d slept with Sydney and she was pregnant.”
“No.” I shake my head. Even with my own problems, I definitely think her throwing a book at him and then slapping him was a normal reaction.
“You’re sure?” she asks. “Maybe I should talk to him.”
“No, Kass. Mark is total loser right now, and, yes, one day we’ll all be friends again. But right now if you talk to him, he will think there is no punishment for what he did and what he did deserves a lot of punishment. He cheated on you, Kass. That’s not okay.”
“Well, at least I have a reason for why Mark and I aren’t together. You’re just sitting here pouting.”
Ouch.
I sigh and let out a deep breath. She’s mad. I’m not going to start a fight because I know she doesn’t mean it. Plus, she’s kind of right.
“I’ve never been the one to mess up. I’m not sure what to do,” I say.
“Ugh,” she groans and flops back onto her pillow, cover her eyes with her arm. “I’m so sick of all this.”
“Me too.”
“Why can’t being in love be easy?” she asks.
“If I ever know what that feels like, maybe I’ll have an answer for you.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” she asks, propping herself on her to side to stare at me. “You and Tripp love each other.”
“I’m not so sure—”
“You do. I’ve seen it on your face and his.”
“Yeah, I don’t—”
“Just trust me, and I’ll tell you something else. If Mark had only cheated and not got someone pregnant, I’d be considering how to make it work, but that’s not the way it worked out. He has other people he needs to put first now and I’m … mad, because even though I loved him, the idea of losing my friend really fucking sucks.”
“Yeah, I know what—”
“So what I’m saying is,” she pauses for dramatic effect and I’m afraid to speak in case she cuts me off again, “that being stubborn and being dumb, no offense, are the only reasons why you and Tripp aren’t together.”
“I know. I just don’t know what to say to him.”
“Tell him you’re sorry.”
“I did.”
“Tell him you’ll be better.”
I sigh. “I already did and clearly failed.”
“Well that leaves one last topic.”
“What?”
“Tell him you love him.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not? And don’t say it’s because you don’t.”
“No, it’s because I’ve never actually said those words to someone. And I don’t want the first time … well … what if he doesn’t say them back?”
“He will.”
“But what if he doesn’t?”
Kass shrugs. “Then you move in with me and we do the single life together.”
Pulling up the sheet to her bed, she curls into a little ball and closes her eyes. Her situation is so much worse than mine, but somehow she managed to help me. I wish I could do the same for her, but she’s right.
I won’t get him back if I keep sitting here.
As I scoot off the bed, my cell phone rings.
Normally, I don’t answer unidentified phone numbers, but in this case, I’ve been waiting to find out who won the scholarship so I answer.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Is this Lennox Ashby?”
“Yes.”
“Prefect. Lennox, my name is Mary Mallery. I’m head of the journalism program here on campus, and I’m pleased to inform you that we’d like to offer you the scholarship and a spot in our program this coming summer.”
“Seriously?” I squeal into the phone. “That’s fantastic. I’m so excited. I can’t …” This means Tripp didn’t win, and somehow my winning feels wrong. He deserves this just as much as I do.
“Who is the runner-up, if you don’t mind me asking?” I ask.
“We don’t normally give out that information.”
“Please, my boyfriend and I were both writing for this spot, and I’d like to know where he placed.”
Kass rolls her eyes at me.
“What is his name?”
“Tripp McCain.”
“Ah, yes. Well, off the record, had you not applied, he would be our next choice.”
Wow.
“And if I decline the offer, will you be calling him?” I ask.
“Ms. Ashby, this program doesn’t come easy to students. Let alone a scholarship to pay for it.”
Trust me, lady, I know. But if it comes down to this scholarship or Tripp, I’m taking my chances on him.
“I know that.” I pause and take a deep breath. “Thank you so much for this opportunity, but I’m going to have to decline the scholarship.”
“Ms. Ashby, you do realize this means you’ll have to pay for a spot in our program out of pocket, correct?”
“Yes.”
“You’re sure you want to do this?”
“Positive.”
“All right, well, thank you for your time.”
“Have a good day,” I say and end the call.
“Holy shit,” Kass says. “Do you even know what you just did?”
I nod. “I hope so.”
“Damn. You just gave up your dream for a guy.”
“No,” I say quickly. “I did not.”
“No?”
“I can get another scholarship another day. I can make new goals. Heck, I can make new dreams. But Tripp … there is only on of him and I’m not letting him go.
“So you agree with me? You love him.”
Nodding I say, “yeah, I think I do.”
Tripp
Heartbreak is painful, and I’m pretty sure I’m at the full max of how much I can take. Each time Lennox’s name pops up on my phone, I want to answer it and do the whole sappy “I’m so sorry” bullshit, but then I’d look like a fool. I mean, is it real if you have to keep convincing the girl you love that she can trust you?
“How long are you going to be here?” Winston asks. I slowly roll my
head to the left and stare at him. He’s sitting on Mark’s bed with his elbows on his knees as he watches me. “You should go home.”
“I’m not going home.”
“Why not?”
“Because Lennox is there, and I don’t want to see her.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean ‘why not’? I told you everything.”
“Yeah, and I told you Lennox has called me dozens of times to make sure you are all right.”
She’s worried. I hate that I’m worrying her.
“You should have told her you don’t know where I am.” The statement doesn’t sound as mean when I say it out loud as when I said it in my head.
“I’m not a child. She’s clearly worried.”
“You don’t think I know that? But she hates me. She made it clear.”
“In a paper she wrote months ago.”
“Yeah, but clearly she still doesn’t trust me because she thinks I’m still that same guy.”
“She doesn’t.”
“I think she does.”
“She doesn’t.”
“Stop disagreeing with me.”
“Well, you’re being unreasonable.”
“Am not,” I say, and Winston groans louder than ever before.
“You want to know how I know? Because she has never looked at me the way she looks at you.”
Guilt stabs at me. Here I am bitching about how I’m not sure I should be with the woman I love, which is the woman he loves.
“I—”
“Stop fucking arguing with me. I’m done listening to you be a baby. Have you ever stopped to think of why she doesn’t trust people?”
“Trust me. I’ve run through every reason on why she wouldn’t trust me.”
“Not just you. Everyone,” Winston says. “Before I met Lennox, shoot, even the first few months I knew her, she pushed everyone she met away. It wasn’t until later I learned she chooses not to get close to people because in her eyes, everyone leaves. It doesn’t surprise me that she thinks history is going to repeat itself.”
Well, shit.
“So yeah, keep doing what you’re doing, then bail on her.”
“I’m not bailing. I just don’t know what to say anymore.”
“Do you love her?” he asks me. I do, but it’s really hard to admit when that feeling isn’t mutual. “Do you?” he prompts, and his tone is angry.
“Yes. Geez, man.”
“Then get off your ass and get the hell home and get her back. Now, fucking get off that bed and get out of my room.”
“Fine, fine,” I say, and basically drag myself of the bed and out of his dorm. The moment the door closes behind me, my cell rings.
A campus number.
“Hello?”
“Tripp, it’s Mr. Turner. How are you?”
Shit. Shit. Why is he calling me?
“Mr. Turner, hey, is uh … what’s up?” I ask.
“Do you have time today to stop by my office?”
“Uh, yeah, I could head there now.”
“Great. See you soon.”
This isn’t good. Not only did he call, but he’s asking me to come in.
I don’t have much time to dwell on it before I’m stepping into his office.
“Mr. McCain, thank you for stopping by. I wanted to give you this.” He hands me a thick, manila envelope. “I never understand why there is so much paperwork, but whenever the school gives away money, that’s the case.”
“I’m sorry, did I miss something?” I ask.
Turner’s brows dip to his nose. “Didn’t Lennox tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“She forfeited her scholarship to the runner-up, which is you. I thought you knew.”
What the hell?
“Are you sure we’re talking about Lennox Ashby?”
“To my knowledge, there is only one.”
Why would she do that?
Turner thrusts the envelope my way again, and I as I take it, an idea comes to me.
“How much is a spot in the program without the scholarship?”
“It’s $6,500 for the summer.”
I can make that work.
“When is the money due?”
“By next Friday.”
I can definitely make that work.
“Perfect! Don’t give her spot away just yet, Mr. Turner!” I shout as I slap the doorframe of his office and race down the hall to my car.
If Lennox is willing to give up something like this for me, I can do the same.
***
“Lennox,” I holler into the apartment as I move through the door. “Lennox,” I repeat and dash from room to room.
She’s not here.
I jerk my phone out of my pocket, and just as I’m going to call her, a picture of the two of us appears on my phone. She’s calling me.
“Hello,” I say.
“Tripp, where are you?”
“I’m at home—where are you?” I ask.
“I went to Winston’s to find you, but you weren’t there, and I need to talk to you. Don’t leave, okay? I know you’re upset with me, but don’t leave.”
She hangs up before I can say anything.
I sit at the table to wait, but I don’t stay put long. Lennox takes one route to and from the campus. I’ll meet her halfway.
I dash out the door and see her as soon as I round the corner.
“What are you doing?” she asks when I pull my jog to a stop in front of her.
“I couldn’t wait. I’m sorry—”
“I’m sorry—” she blurts out at the same time.
Lennox is watching me with worried eyes as she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said, and maybe you’re right,” she says.
“About what?”
“About how we won’t work.”
“I never said that.”
“Not those exact words, no, but after everything and now this … we fight—a lot—and I’m not so sure that’s healthy.”
“It’s healthy enough,” I say. “Plus, if we didn’t fight, we wouldn’t exactly be us.”
She shakes her head as she says, “It doesn’t feel right. How can I love you so much and yet argue with you so much?”
I didn’t miss the part where she said she loved me.
“I think we are allowed to have different opinions,” I tell her.
“So you haven’t given up on me?” she asks. I can see by the way she squints that she’s fighting tears.
“No, because I love you.”
“You love me?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Tripp.” Her soft tone awakens every part of me.
I step toward her.
“Say it,” I tell her. I know she feels the same way I do.
“I love you, too,” she says right before I capture her lips with mine.
“Mr. Turner told me you turned down the scholarship for me.”
Her gaze never leaves mine.
“You deserved it.”
“So did you,” I tell her.
“There will be another program next year.”
“True, but,” I pull out a deposit receipt from my back pocket, “I made this deposit into your account today. It should cover exactly what you need to pay for the program. No more. No less.”
“What?” she asks and snags the ticket out of my hand. “How did you do this?”
“I sold my car, and then while I was at the bank signing it over, I had them deposit part of it into your account. It was tricky, but I made it work.”
“You sold your car!” she screams at me. I squint and nod.
“But you love your car.”
“I love you more.”
I steal a kiss before she can say anything more.
Nothing matters, not money, or scholarships, or journalism programs, or anything else if it’s going come between Lennox and me.
With her by my side. We can do everything.
Together.
Epilogue
Tripp
“How much exactly did you sell your car for?” Lennox asks a couple of weeks later.
“Enough. How else was I supposed to get us a lease on a new apartment?” I ask.
Lennox gazes over her laptop, her bottom lip dropping the exact way it did when I told her about my car. “What?”
“You heard me,” I say.
I’d been planning to surprise her with this for Christmas, but because the landlord said we could move in on Monday and we’re already on Christmas break, I figured I may as well tell her early. Plus, I think this will be a great way to spend our first Christmas together. Just me and Lennox and an apartment that doesn’t have what I’m positive are drug dealers living below us.
“We can’t afford a more expensive place,” she says, closing her computer and moving to sit on my lap.
“You’d be surprised what I got for that car.”
She shakes her head, and then her phone dings.
“Oh shoot, I almost forgot. I have to get to the children’s home early today. We have a Santa coming and I bought a bunch of candy canes to decorate the tree there.”
“Why exactly does that mean you have to be there early?” I ask.
“Because I want to make sure all the kids are in a different room and don’t see Santa when he arrives. It’s the first year they’ve brought a Santa in for just this home. When Barb mentioned it to me, I was surprised someone would offer their services this way, but I also loved it.”
“I agree,” I tell her as she stands. I pat her butt with my hand, and she giggles.
“I’ll see you when I get back?”
“You’ll be back in my lap before you know it.” I grin.
“Your dirty comments are getting worse, and I think I really like it,” she says.
My growl is all she needs to get her ass in gear and out that door.
***
I’m dying from heat and it’s December.
I glance back at myself and tug on this damn white beard. If I weren’t wearing it, I’d be at least ten degrees cooler. The two pillowcases in the front of my suit don’t help much either.
“Tripp?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you almost ready? Lennox is expecting Santa to show up at any moment,” Barb says.
I give myself one more belly adjustment and open the door.
“Oh dear, you look fabulous. Lennox is going to be so happy with your idea.”