I groaned. “I’m such a jerk. I was so mean to Bea. I said some horrible things to her.”
Dr. Beth smiled at me. “You should’ve heard the mean things I said to Jerry when he found Burger King wrappers in my car and accused me of being a cow murderer. I really let him have it. But I was just lashing out because he had me cornered. He eventually forgave me for saying such awful things to him. He’s still mad about the Whopper though.”
I thought about how Bea’s face was all pale and tear-streaked underneath her wild hair. “I was pretty awful to her. I said some unforgiveable stuff.”
“Seems like the honeymoon period is over, kid. This is when things get real,” Dr. Beth said.
“Talk about stating the obvious,” I said. “How do I fix this?”
“An authentic apology is a good place to start,” said Dr. Beth.
“What if that’s not enough?” I asked.
Dr. Beth shrugged. “Honestly, it might not be. It all depends on what you said to her.”
I let out a deep breath. “I was about as mean as humanly possible.”
Dr. Beth wrinkled her nose. “An apology probably won’t cut it. This might be a situation where words aren’t enough. You’re going to have to lay the foundation with the right words, then you’re going to have to prove to her with your actions that you are truly sorry.”
I grabbed a Milky Way for the road and hopped down the steps. “I have to go fix things with Bea.”
I had enough with running. I walked back to the cabin while I figured out how to make Bea understand that we really were friends and were going to stay friends when we went back to Mapleton… no matter what.
I took my time, trying to find the right words. As soon as I saw the rocking chairs on our cabin porch, I felt like I was in my safe place. A feeling I never thought I would get at camp. I couldn’t wait to say sorry to Bea. I couldn’t wait for things to get back to normal.
When I opened the door, I was relieved when I saw Bea in there alone.
“Bea, thank God you’re here. We need to talk,” I said.
Bea shot daggers out of her eyes like it was her super power, and shouted, “Get out!”
“Please, Bea, give me a chance to explain,” I begged.
“I let you talk me into your stupid plan and you almost ruined my life!” she shouted.
“I’m going to keep up my end of the pact. I’m going to fix everything when we get back to school. You’re gonna be part of the M & Ms and you won’t be invisible ever again,” I said.
Bea’s cheeks were as red as her T-shirt and the little hairs around her hairline sprang up into tiny angry curls. “Not everything’s about Mapleton. You almost obliterated things with my real friends, my only friends. They know about the pact and I’m incredibly lucky they don’t hate me! I never should’ve let you talk me into it.”
“Bea, we can fix this,” I said. “Just give me a minute to come up with a good plan.”
Bea looked at me like I was a monster. “How could I have thought you changed?” she moaned.
“I have changed, I…” I started.
“You’re the same selfish person you’ve been for the past year!” Bea shouted.
“I didn’t mean what I said. I was just really upset about something else and I took it out on you,” I said. “We are friends. Real ones.”
“We are most definitely not friends,” said Bea. “You never intended to be seen with me back in Mapleton. You are still the same weak person you’ve always been.”
“That’s not true,” I said.
“Oh, really? Then what was your plan when we got back to Mapleton? Huh? How exactly were you going to make me a part of the M & Ms?” Bea challenged me with her eyes.
“I haven’t figured out all the details yet. But things are in motion for when we get back home,” I said. “I swear, I’m going to make it work.”
Bea crossed her arms. “Just like you made everything work out here, right?”
“If you would just stop yelling for a second, you would realize things did work out this summer. We became friends again,” I said.
Bea smirked at me. “You said it yourself. We’re not friends. We were just using each other.”
“Bea, don’t say that. I didn’t mean it. I was just stressed out because…”
“You are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. Everything is always about you!” Bea practically spit out the words.
“I know that’s how I was at the beginning of the summer, but…” I started.
“You know why your parents sent you here?” Bea cut in. “It wasn’t because they wanted to empower you, or because they were hoping you would learn how to swim, or even because they were hoping we would become friends again. They just couldn’t bear dealing with you for another day. They would’ve sent you anywhere just to get a break from you and your anxiety!”
I tried to keep my voice calm. “Things have been really bad at home. Give me a chance to explain.”
“You had a chance to tell me what’s going on. You had all summer to open up to me. You don’t get to use whatever’s going on at home as an excuse for your horrible behavior.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew…”
“I thought I had it hard when I was invisible, but at least I had a break from dealing with you and your nonstop drama. Just leave me alone!” Bea yelled. Then she tore out of the cabin like it was on fire.
BEA
A bit of breeze in the air tempered the hot sun blazing down on us while Hannah, Poppy, Isa, and I hung out in our kayaks. We were supposed to be doing drills around the buoys for our last practice before the tournament, but with Maisy going rogue, we finally accepted the fact that we had no shot at the Amelia Cup. I had also accepted my friendless fate that would be waiting for me back home.
“Maybe you could go to private school?” suggested Poppy.
“My mom can’t afford private school. She’s already stressed about paying for college,” I said.
“What about a scholarship?” asked Hannah. “You are the smartest person I know.”
I sighed. “I already tried applying to the private schools near me. They all gave me academic scholarships, but the tuition is so high, the aid they gave me barely made a dent. My mom said the only way to make it work was to get Dad to pitch in. He sounded like he was actually considering it, until, of course, he talked to Monica about it. The only reason he pays for camp is probably to get rid of me for the summer so he can have his perfect new family all to himself.”
“Maybe you could homeschool?” suggested Poppy.
“Homeschooling won’t give me a shot at the Ivy Leagues one day,” I said.
I broke away from the girls and started paddling to shore. I could hear the oars breaking into the water’s skim as the girls paddled behind me. I had never felt so hopeless before in my life.
Ainsley was waiting for us back at the dock. She started yelling as soon as we got close enough to hitch our boats to the dock.
“What is wrong with you guys?”
No one answered as we climbed out of our boats.
Ainsley was wearing cut-off jean shorts, a blue string bikini, and a scowl on her face. “The tournament’s tomorrow and this is how you get ready? This was your last chance to practice the course and you spend your time floating around?”
I never know how to answer a rhetorical question, so I kept my mouth shut, and the other girls followed my lead.
“Seriously.” Ainsley sounded full-on Brit as she yelled. “You guys have been checked out for days. What’s going on with you?”
“We have no shot at the Cup, so why bother trying anymore?” I said.
“I thought Maisy was the dramatic one in our bunk.” Ainsley rolled her eyes. “You guys have been doing great with your training all summer. Now you suddenly get cold feet?”
“Maisy doesn’t care about us or the Cup. She’s just counting down the days ’til she gets back to her real friends back home,” I said.
“There’s no way she’s crossing that ropes course tomorrow.”
Ainsley crossed her arms over her chest. “If that’s true, why has she been spending every spare second working on the ropes course with me? Why did she just practice with me for an hour this morning while you guys were all at breakfast? Why did she spend yesterday’s phone block running the course with me?”
I shook my head. “That doesn’t make any sense. Why would she do that?”
Ainsley looked at me as if I was the stupidest person on the planet. “Because she doesn’t want to be the reason you don’t win the Cup.” She shook her head. “Obviously.”
“But I thought…” I started.
Ainsley rolled her eyes. “Clearly, you were wrong about Maisy. Even smart people get it wrong sometimes.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
MAISY
THE MORNING OF THE TOURNAMENT, I SNEAKED OUT OF THE BUNK before the other girls woke up. It’s not like they were talking to me anyway. After five days of the silent treatment, I was back to being invisible again at camp. I couldn’t believe Bea went through that every single school day for the past year. I thought it was bad when the girls hated me the first day of camp, but it burned so much worse when they hated me after hanging out with me all summer. So it really made me think about how bad Bea must’ve felt when I ghosted her. Like Dr. Beth said, I was going to have to prove myself to her, and the tournament was the best way to do that.
It felt good to walk to Dr. Beth’s cabin, to be headed toward someone who wanted to talk to me. Dr. Beth was waiting with a bottle of water, a banana, and some whole wheat toast. “Today’s the big day! No junk food for you. We need to fuel you like an athlete for your big run.”
“Thanks,” I said. I started peeling the banana. “But did you really have to get yourself an Egg McMuffin? And is that a hash brown, too? You’re killing me.”
Dr. Beth laughed. “I’m not the one running today, so I can eat all the crap food I want.”
I made a funny face at her McDonald’s bag and said, “You must eat an awful lot of kale and veggie burgers at home to make up for all the garbage you eat at camp.”
Dr. Beth laughed so hard that two of the rescue cats got scared and ran to the other side of the room. She told me about her latest rescue cat named Gunther, who was hiding under her porch, while I finished my banana and toast and she scarfed down an Egg McMuffin, two hash browns, and a large Diet Coke. I wasn’t there to talk about cats, but Dr. Beth knows I don’t like to talk about dramatic stuff while I eat. She waited until I finished before asking, “Are you sure you want to do this right before the tournament?”
I nodded. “I need to have a clear head if I have any hope of climbing to the top of that spider web.”
I took a really deep breath in for three counts, then let it out for another six counts. I closed my eyes and focused on getting my heart to stop beating out of my chest. When I felt almost normal, I pulled the letter from my drawstring bag.
“We can burn it. We can rip it up. We can throw it in the lake.” Dr. Beth took a long sip of herbal tea. “Or… we can read it.”
“I already burned her other letters at the bonfire. I need to read this last one.”
“I am so proud of you for taking this big step,” Dr. Beth said. “It’s the best way to hear your mom out with less pressure because there’s no one waiting for your reaction. You can just read what she has to say and take it in at your own pace.”
I picked up the envelope. It felt lighter than I expected. For some reason, I thought a letter holding so many feelings would be heavier in my hands. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest while I ripped the envelope open and pulled the letter out. It was written on a thick piece of plain white stationary in Mom’s perfect penmanship that she had learned in Catholic school.
Dear Mini,
By the time you get this letter, you will be packing up and getting ready to come home. Which means you made it a whole six weeks at adventure camp!
I am so incredibly proud of you for putting yourself out there and trying so many new things. Dad told me you’ve been taking swim lessons. That’s amazing! Learning how to swim is a HUGE accomplishment. It means you’re learning how to take control over things that scare you. That is something to be really proud of.
I heard you are the fastest runner at camp! How wonderful that you discovered you’re a talented runner! Just think about all the new things you’re going to learn about yourself over the next few years. I’m looking forward to being sober and present for you when that happens.
I’ve apologized in all the other letters about every single thing I can remember doing to hurt you. Please know I’m sorry for everything. At first, I was most sorry for the car accident, but then I realized living with me every day and keeping my secret must have been awful and overwhelming for you. I can’t take back all of the terrible things I did or said, or what I put you through, but I will try my best to show you I am a different person now.
I know you have no reason to believe anything I say. But I will work really hard to earn your trust back and prove myself to you, Addy, and your father every day. I will become a mother you can be proud of.
When I checked in, it was for an eight-week stay, which meant I would’ve been home waiting for you when you got home from camp. I want to do that more than anything in the world. But after talking to my therapist, I decided to stay longer. I want to be the best mom possible. Which means not leaving treatment until I am as healthy as I can be. So when I do come home at some point in the near future, I will be responsible and you can go back to being a kid again. And I can go back to being your mom.
I love you more than anything,
Mom
I put the letter back in my lap and breathed out long and hard. “I still have time.”
“For what?” asked Dr. Beth in her kind voice.
“To forgive her. She’s staying at rehab longer,” I said.
Dr. Beth reached out for my hand. “Honey, your emotional journey doesn’t have any deadlines. Your mom is taking her time, getting herself healthy. You aren’t bound to her timeline. You need to take your own time processing everything.”
I looked up at Dr. Beth. “For now, I’m ready to go kick some Dandelion butt.”
BEA
Dear Bea,
Monica and I have wonderful news that just can’t wait for you to get home from camp… we are engaged!! Peyton and Vivi helped me propose. Monica posted the video on Instagram. You can see it as soon as you’re back in the world of technology.
Monica wants all you girls to be her junior bridesmaids. The girls already picked the color of the dresses, which are going to be hot pink. You can join in on the wedding planning when you’re back home.
Love,
Dad
Dear Bea,
Project Gilmore Girls marathon is under way. I have all of the supplies for our Gilmore Girls feast, burgers, fries, pizza, Mallomars, Pop Tarts, and Red Vines. I already laid out our pants with stretchy waistbands. I even bought Mr. Pebbles his favorite organic cat food for the occasion.
Get ready for our other annual end-of-summer tradition—back-to-school shopping. Can you just hurry home already???
So Gavin and I are still dating. He said he’s looking forward to getting to know you outside of school. He is also more than happy to help with your math homework if you need it—which is great considering how awful I am at math.
Miss you like crazy and can’t wait to see you!!! Love you so much!
Love,
Mom
Of course my own dad left me out of his engagement. Why would he include me? I am such a loser that my lifelong best friend had broken my heart not once, but twice. I’m the person who always gets left behind, for someone better, prettier, cooler. Now that Dad has two new perfect daughters to take my place, why should he worry about including me in his new life?
I didn’t know which atrocity to be more worked up about. Mr. Pembrook helping me with my
math homework, or the hot pink bridesmaid dress. Doesn’t Mom get that the last person a kid wants to hang out with outside of school is a teacher? And hasn’t anyone told Monica that just because her blonde daughters look good in any color doesn’t mean that color works on everyone? How could she not know that hot pink is the enemy of redheads? In fact, she couldn’t have picked a worse color to go with my curly orange hair. I really hoped Ainsley was right about Maisy pulling through for the tournament, because I needed one good thing to happen to me before I headed back to the drama waiting for me at home. But Maisy’s track record didn’t make me confident that she would show up for anyone other than herself.
Isa snapped a hairband at me, pulling me from my self-pity. “Think you stretched that leg enough?”
I scanned the wooded area by our cabin. “Has anyone seen Maisy this morning?”
“I don’t know why we’re wasting time stretching. Maisy’s not showing up,” Hannah said.
Isa was sitting on the ground with her legs straddled in a wide V. She leaned forward until her face reached the grass. “She has to show. We can’t go down like this.”
I stretched my arm across my chest and tried to sound more confident than I felt. “You heard what Ainsley said. Maisy may be a fake friend, but I don’t think she’s going to let us down today, if only because she wouldn’t be able to bear the bus ride home with us.”
Poppy bounced up and down on her toes. “If we don’t line up at the start soon, we’ll be DQed.”
I pulled my sneaker laces extra tight and double-knotted them. “She’ll be here.”
I swallowed hard, hoping I wasn’t wrong about Maisy once again.
As if this moment wasn’t tense enough, the Dandelion Bunk girls showed up. They were all wearing bright purple shorts, tank tops, and bandanas in their hair, with matching purple Nike Flyknits. As much as I hated them, I had to give them credit for solid team spirit.
“Ready to get your butts kicked?” asked the A twins at the same exact time.
“Actually, we’re ready to kick your butts like we do every summer,” shot back Isa.
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