by Noah Harris
My brow furrows at this last line. Dominic coughs.
“That was funnier in my head. Um. Here’s to Christian Keller. The only valid reason to believe love exists,” Dominic finishes his toast and raises his glass.
The room is silent just long enough that Goodboy feels compelled to raise his own glass.
“To Christian and Dominic, for being such fantastic hosts. I only wish the ranch was half as comfortable for everybody.”
Jonesy licks his lips for a moment, slightly wild around the eyes, looking at Felix. “I’d better get going,” he says, with finality. There’s an edge to it none of us want to challenge.
Dominic nods. “I’ll walk you out.”
Goodboy looks from me to Felix, back to me. Nods slowly.
“Yeah, I’m good leaving too. You all have a good night,” Goodboy says as he stands to leave.
Once again, it’s only when he’s standing there that I’m driven to find him a mate. He’d make someone incredibly lucky.
Felix has eyes, so he must have noticed Goodboy’s looks. I try to imagine them together, but I can’t quite manage it. Even as they make their goodbyes, I watch Felix carefully, but he seems about as interested in Goodboy as me, which is to say not much. Appreciates him, likes him, wouldn’t categorize him that way. I think it’s insane, but I am not an expert. Clearly.
Suddenly, we’re alone. Felix and me. Two past lives trying to understand the Dominic of today, scared to death we’re going to upset each other with some thoughtless word or careless move. Sitting quietly with our wine, praying for one of the kids to start crying or come running into the room, so we’ll have something to do.
But no kids are coming to save us. This time, we’re on our own.
“So,” he says, awkwardly.
“So,” I respond, equally as awkward.
“So that’s Jonesy Kirkendall, huh?”
I have to laugh. Felix must be a terrible poker player.
“Sure is. He’s here most nights, actually. His divorce is driving him crazy,” I offer up.
Felix nods, more sympathetic than suggestive.
“Yeah. He seems to drink a lot. And that’s coming from me,” a short chuckle following the words Felix mumbles.
“What about you, Felix? Seeing anybody back home?” I inquire.
He shrugs. “There’s a guy in Germany, but that’s going nowhere. European shifters are a whole different hairball. I had a relationship in L.A. for a couple of years. Didn’t realize that until it was over, and then I felt stupid. I could have really turned that into something if I’d known. But it’s like…sometimes the idea of somebody really liking you seems so dubious that you have to find some reason it couldn’t possibly be true. They don’t really know you, or they’re secretly monsters, or…you know.”
I do know. The first time Dominic suggested it, I thought he was trying to send me some message I was too dense to read, that’s how thoroughly I get it.
“I met my husband when I was sixteen. Well, that sounds messed up out loud. I met the man I eventually married at sixteen. I definitely believed in true love before that. But I fought it for a long time, essentially because I felt that way. After he died I went back to feeling that way. Only worse, because now I have all this baggage.”
Felix cocks his head, sincerely confused.
“Four kids in three years. I don’t know what it’s like back east, but in our pack, an unmated omega is a wildcard even without cubs. They look at me like a black cat crossing their path. Even when they’re being sweet, they can’t hide that. Most of the time whatever charity they’re trying to do, however they want to help, it’s…less helpful than how much that hurts. Before Dominic showed up I didn’t have any friends, really. Not besides Goodboy.”
Felix nods intensely, slapping his palm on the table in emphasis.
“Goodboy is amazing. I can’t imagine what I would have grown up like if he’d been there. He feels good just to be around. Like standing under a huge oak tree in a thunderstorm.”
That’s exactly how it is. What a good description.
“He doesn’t talk about it, but he had some very bad experiences overseas, he was military. I don’t know the details at all, but they say he changed. All I know is, I wouldn’t have survived without him. I look back on the time before I met him, before the shifter stuff, and it’s scary. I don’t think I really realized how dark it got. Or maybe I just figured it was normal, kids don’t know what a normal amount of darkness is, how could they? But when I look back now at what I was carrying all that time, I’m amazed by that kid. I’m impressed that he survived at all.”
Felix looks at me with new eyes, nodding. I can tell he liked that, for whatever reason. I kind of let it get away from me, maybe that’s what he liked.
“I was a lot meaner to kids before Dominic. He was like that too. Just raw and in pieces. Even before it was clear he was a shifter, which we all assumed anyway, he just seemed like the wind was blowing right through him. It makes more sense now I’ve met you.”
My eyes narrow. What does he mean by that? But he just smiles and nods, calm.
“He was dying without you. Even in L.A. there was something, missing. You could always tell he wasn’t complete. I think he just couldn’t comprehend the idea of being in love with anybody. Anybody else. So it felt dark around him at times.”
I shake my head, almost a shudder. How awful. What I did was just awful.
“And then he comes to town to get away from all that and the first thing he sees is you. That was the first thing he told me when we spoke. Not the fact that he got waylaid by some nut job or came with no plan and he needed a place to stay, or that his childhood bully was becoming his new best friend. Nothing that actually mattered. Just that he’d seen you and he didn’t know if he could live here, but he didn’t think he could leave either. Then he had to go. Because he was meeting somebody about an apartment.”
I laugh along with him. That’s a much better story.
“I spent that whole day running circles around Goodboy. I didn’t know what to do either. I felt so bad about being broke, and so shitty about everything having to do with Dominic. It was like this black hole. Everything felt the same amount of terrible. I could do whatever I wanted, because I had nothing to lose.”
Felix considers me for a long time, in the candlelight. My eyes, my lips. It’s unnerving.
“And? What was it?” he asks.
I shake my head, getting fuzzy again. What?
“You can do whatever you want. So what is it you want?”
I shrug. “It’s just a saying.”
He’s not buying it. “Can I be real with you. Christian?”
I almost laugh at that. He has no tact, no buffer. There are no alternatives, it’s moot.
“Right now, you have all the cards. You could have anything you want, just by asking for it. I don’t think you really understand that. I think you’re still stuck thinking nobody could ever love you enough. Or that Ernest was your last shot. Or, you have too much baggage.”
I nod, feeling sick suddenly.
“That kid out there’s my only friend. He says it like I’m doing him a favor, but that’s not it at all. Everybody we know is either mated off or a bigger mess than I am. When Nic talks about how nobody in L.A. is real with each other, that’s the nice way of putting it. What he really means is that nobody likes you for you. So it’s very easy to be whatever you want. Or whatever they want. Because if everything’s a lie, then nothing really is.”
It sounds sick, perverted. It also sounds just about right, from all they’ve said.
“He’s not just my best or only friend. He’s the only friend-type person I have ever met. He’s honest even when he’s trying not to be. He’s open-hearted even when he thinks he’s running the hugest scam. He’s simple, and intense. Whatever he loves, he is on fire with it.”
I know all of this. I just didn’t think anybody else ever would. And what’s the point? It feels like he’s
flexing, trying to prove he knows “Nic” as well as I do.
But the look in his eyes is poignant, moved. He’s trying to say something meaningful. Probably a rare thing for him to attempt.
“All I'm saying is, what you see is what you get. You can’t see what’s there if you’re busy telling yourself what you want is more than you deserve.”
It hits me in the gut. For a second, the wolf in my heart and belly wants to take him apart, just so he’ll stop talking. But then he smiles at me. This time with real tears in his eyes.
“I never could have saved him. I probably would have gotten him killed. But we were never like you two are. I would never normally clarify that about anyone, but I can see you trying to figure it out. You can’t waste any more time than you already have. He’s known what he wanted since he was fourteen, and it’s never changed. If you think this life, your husband and your kids, are just a detour back to that…you’re never going to let him in.”
Ugh. True. Cutting in a way not even Goodboy at his sternest would allow himself to be.
“But they weren’t a detour. That’s not how people work. I do everything I can to avoid growing up or moving forward, so believe me when I say that’s impossible. Even for me. When you read another chapter in a book it doesn’t turn the chapter before it invisible. It just means more book. Unless you throw it away, and never get to find out what happens next.”
I lean forward, into Felix’s very face, taking his hands like he did Jonesy’s at dinner.
“You’re a really good friend. To me, too. I am sorry I didn’t get that before.”
He smiles, shrugs.
“It’s because I’m a nightmare, so people think I don’t notice things. But I do notice them. I usually don’t care. But that man saved my life, about a million times and he’s going to need you to save his. Very soon.”
I stand up again, anxious and confused. “What do you mean by that?”
Felix shakes his head hurriedly, waving hands through the air like he can erase the last minute.
“Nothing. I don’t mean anything. I just mean that you know how he feels. I can see that. I think I can see how you feel too. I’m leaving soon so I had to say something. Sorry if it was out of turn.”
I do laugh at that one, pulling Felix in for a huge hug.
“No, not at all. Not out of turn. You’re my friend too, and I care about you.”
He smiles, relieved maybe. Or proud.
“So. Okay, fine. I love Dominic Tarrant. I have loved him my entire life. So much it scared me. I couldn’t admit I was gay without just giving it all to him. Coming apart like wet tissue paper. I’m still afraid of how much I love him. It feels too big for my body. Like when the twins were about to be born and I just didn’t feel like there was enough of me physically to even exist. He is the biggest thing in my life and he always has been. It’s terrifying, and unflattering. When I think about losing control that way, giving in and letting him love me, all I can think is how dangerous that is. My cubs are in play. You know? It’s not just a risk. It’s betting everything. I don’t understand how anybody is that brave.”
Felix nods, those tears in his eyes again.
“I’ll never have what I see in you. And in him, when you’re not looking. I don’t even know if I want it. Or if I would ever feel like I deserve it. But if I ever did, I would want somebody to tell me. So yes, it’s real. No, you’re not crazy. Yes, he does. No, you absolutely can. You absolutely have to.”
I feel utterly ill. Like the whole world is riding on this.
“What would I even say? Sorry I blew up your life because I was too cowardly to admit I was in love with you. Sorry I didn’t run to you the hundred million times I promised myself I would. Sorry I didn’t tell you when I got married. Or pregnant. Or widowed. Sorry I kept you out of my life, on purpose, because it hurt less to have nothing at all. Sorry I made you ask for shelter a hundred times, even though I knew the second you walked in that you belonged here…I mean, that’s a lot to just open up and say. I don’t even know how I’d start, Felix. How do you do that?”
He seems a little surprised at everything I came out with so quickly. But before he can open his mouth, he catches something over my shoulder and blushes, biting his lip.
“Seems like a pretty good start to me.”
Dominic stands slumped in the doorway, tears in his eyes. Growling it out over something in his throat. The world just stops altogether.
Splashdown
At the airport, Felix produces a deluge of last-minute presents. Where did they come from? When did he get them? We’ll never know.
But they’re perfect, and that means he really was watching. Not just me or Christian, but all of us. It’s sweet.
Christian’s going to miss him, I think. They would’ve really gotten along as kids, even as they grew to be so different. It’s neat to know I’m the only person who knew them both that long ago.
And of course I’m going to miss him too, even though I know he’ll show up again eventually. I’m sorry to see him go because it’s a little scary to think about us being back on our own. All the things we’ve managed to avoid talking about until now.
Kiss on the mouth for me, and on the cheek for Christian.
“I may just come back here to claim you for myself,” he murmurs, and Christian blushes.
I’m just glad he’s gotten a chance to see what that feels like, the Felix Armistead effect. Did he mean it? Maybe. Would he mean it in an hour? Who knows! It’s fun but sickening, like a well-made rollercoaster. The cutest goodbye I can imagine.
Poppy watches him disappear into the crowd, then climbs me like a tree so she can keep watching. When he’s gone for good, she sighs with a businesslike finality and climbs back down.
Christian smiles at me, conspiratorial. Felix Armistead, our funny little angel, our mysterious friend. I can barely remember my fear from just a few days ago, that he might blow everything up. Instead, he put it all together. I should have more faith in people.
Because now we know some things we didn’t know before. Christian sees me. That’s a big one. I was afraid of Felix coming because I knew there were sides of me Christian wouldn’t want to see. He saw, and it was awkward. But it didn’t change what was happening. What was growing.
Before now, if you’d ever said to me, “I’m going to love you no matter what you do. There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you,” I would either think you were very dumb or very frightening. But now I get it.
Christian’s pure, unconditional acceptance was there all along. I just needed to hear him say it. That grace is just too rare to believe otherwise.
Which is why, while Felix Armistead was packing up for L.A., I was making my way through the forest to the Salt Flats pack ranch, to prepare a surprise for Christian.
So I can show him how I feel, and why. So he can feel as treasured as he is.
There’s a long dirt road that appears to end several times as it arcs through the woods. A mazelike design they say makes sense from the sky but only confuses you as you’re driving it.
But it’s not to keep people out, it’s to keep us in, when the moon is full. By day it takes faith, but even by a full moon it’s impossible to navigate at night. It’s uncanny. When I asked Goodboy about it he just said, “Witches,” and I still don’t know if that was a joke or what.
Wolfsbane at the crossroads and gates, just in case. It stinks pretty bad in regular human form but in a wolf’s body, it’ll make you sick. Your whole self just wants to run screaming danger, danger, danger. Like bright-colored beetles, or shiny red berries. It’s not a conscious thing.
This would be a great place for a herd of goats or sheep, even cows or horses. Sadly, that wouldn’t be financially sound. There are deer from a neighboring valley that keep the grass from overgrowing, but they know to get far away when it’s time for us to run.
Sometimes it’s safer to be wild.
With most of the folks out at the
ranch, you can tell why they prefer not to live in town. The wolf is just too strong in some of them, like Poppy. Others, the world is too much for them. Sometimes it’s safer for us to be wild, too.
Goodboy is one of the most intense shifters I’ve ever met, the quiet focused vet with piercing blue eyes and thinning blond hair. As centered as the wolf he prefers to be. Open and thoughtful, always unconcerned. But he leads the pack just as well in town or out.
When I met Goodboy my main question was how Christian could ever have let him go.
Goodboy is wonderful. Supportive, kind, full of depths…I absolutely want to be Goodboy when I grow up. Sit at his feet and follow him to meals and just, I don’t know, pretend to be him until I figure him out. It’s strange enough that I don’t talk about it, but it’s real. Nobody in L.A., the academy, Salt Flats…nobody I’ve ever met is like him at all. He’s a one-off.
If I ever had to leave the house, I’d probably just come here and become one of these guys. The ranch is just one more reason to feel bad that Jonesy isn’t a shifter, this would feed him, I think.
Walking up the path to his cabin, I could hear him splitting logs, and when I got to him he was covered in sweat.
“Dominic,” he said. Unsmiling, but with a welcoming edge to his unwavering gaze. “Good of you to come.”
Goodboy shook my hand and sat on the trunk he’d been using, squinting at me in the sun. Breathing slow and deep. I always wonder what his resting heart rate must be. Once a century, I’d bet. I find myself breathing along with him usually, after a while. Trying to live at his speed.
“I’ve spent a few months in Christian Keller’s home at this point.”
He nodded again. This time the eyes more muted, regretful.