Upon waking up the bum discovers another fiver in his hand and so hurries back to the liquor store. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the bum’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time, to which the bum responds, “I like the white wine but it just makes my ass so fucking sore.”
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes in and says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman says, “A hermaphrodite. What’s that?”
The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?”
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back; I don’t know how big this thing gets!
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong slot.”
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious type with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...” and he stopped.
“Except what?” the man asked.
“Nothing, nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”
“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.
The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordi nary-looking dildo. The busi nessman laughed and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form. Before the door split, the old man said, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but finally surrendered to $500.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She stripped off, opened the box and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”
The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A traffic policeman saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and said, “Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis, my ass...”
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”
The dad answered, “Your mom.”
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey, Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”
She answered, “My boyfriend.”
A little later, dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, “What are you doing?”
Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.”
Dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?”
Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!”
He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”
“What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?”
“Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.
“Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.”
So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a coo
l weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
“Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
“Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”
“Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to himself, “And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb.”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
A man wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are neatly folded on the dresser with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says, “Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.”
Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast.
“Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’
“Well,” says the boy, “you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.”
“Christ!” says the man. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?”
“When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’”
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”
“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”
“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband notices his excitement and suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs,” the husband says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thinks about it for a while, and says he does not mind that she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wants to make a confession: He says that below his waist he is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it’s okay with him. The girl thinks about it for a while and says that she does not mind, and that she also believes there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They are happy that they are honest with each other and go on to Vegas and get married. On their wedding night, the girl takes off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy takes off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body and the girl faints and falls to the floor. After she regains consciousness the guy says, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”
The girl says, “You told me it was just like a baby.”
The guy replies, “Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
A. “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
A. “Honey, I’m home!”
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
A couple were having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor.
He examined them and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position.
The man said, “What is that?”
The doctor replied, “Just watch the dogs and do like they do.”
The man said, “My wife is very shy and she won’t do that.”
The doctor replied, “Try giving her a glass of wine or two and she will lose all inhibition.”
Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a stroller.
“I see it worked!” the doctor said.
“Yes it did, Doc, but now the problem is my wife is an alcoholic!”
“How did that happen?” the doctor asked.
“Well, every time we did it, it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front garden!”
Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.<
br />
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”
Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody at the party except you.
A man calls in to work and says, “Sorry, I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”
The boss says, “How sick are you?”
“Well,” the man replies, “you judge—I’m in bed with my sister.”
On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they’re waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone’s ever asked. Let me go and find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in heaven.”
“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.
“Christ!” St. Peter exclaims. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 4