A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”
“Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself... You save money.”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or Muslim doll?”
Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?”
“Well,” replies the woman, “the Muslim one blows herself up!”
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas, not to mention years of being hunted and killed, so they got together to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed by their leader.
“What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first group will swim under each ship and blow together. This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up.”
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting slapped his tail on the water for attention.
The leader said, “Yes, Mervin? Do you have something to say?”
Mervin replied, “Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won’t swallow any seamen.”
A man is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonely, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The man is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The man says, “You sound like just what I am looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I bet he’ll sell.”
The man buys the parrot and for three months things go very well. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him about the latest sports results and what happened in politics that day.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The man says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the postman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The man says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”
The man says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.”
The man says, “My God, what happened next?!”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
Man: My wife’s kinky. She likes sex in her ear.
Friend: Why’s that?
Man: Well every time I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head.
A nude woman looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look horrible, fat and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?”
The husband replies, “Well, your eyesight’s excellent.”
An Indian chief decided it was time to give his three sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent together with the elders of the tribe.
He turns to the first son, “Son, you will be called Eagle.”
The third son interrupts, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” replied the Chief.
He continued, “You will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the second son, but the third son said, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued to the second son, “Son, you will be called Swallow.”
The third son said again, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued, “You will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the third son who was asking, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“Son, you will be called Thrush.”
“Why is that father?” he asked excitedly.
“Because you are an irritating little c**t.”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...
HAMBURGER: $1
CHEESEBURGER: $2
HAND JOB: $3
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter.
“Can I help you?” she asks with a smile.
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
“Well wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick with a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
Q. What’s the difference between a fridge and a blonde?
A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.
A guy is in the bar’s restroom taking a piss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knock
ing a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy taking a piss.
“Hey, buddy, do you see this very large, very strong cock?” he asks.
“Yes,” replies the guy taking a leak.
“Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?”
“No, I’m afraid I don’t.”
“I’m going to shove it up your ass!”
“Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!”
A man who was to be investigated by the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man told a friend of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied his friend.
“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and was told ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’
When she asked her best friend, she was told ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.’”
The man said, “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
His friend replied, “No matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed.”
A cop stops a guy leading a cow down the street.
He asks, “What are you doing with a cow in the middle of town?”
“I’m taking it home to keep it in my house.”
“What about all the flies and shit?”
“It will just have to get used to them.”
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit’s Finger.
There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy, “I’m going out for lunch. I’m going to review the prices with you so that you won’t make a bad sale. Now this is our nine-inch white dildo. It’s $15.”
The new guy says, “Nine-inch white, $15. Got it.”
“This is the eleven-inch black dildo. It’s $25.”
“Eleven-inch black, $25. Got it.” So the boss leaves.
A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. “How much is that dildo there?” she asks the guy.
“Ah, that’s our nine-inch white dildo, and it sells for $15.”
“What about that black one there?”
“That’s our eleven-inch black, it’s $25.”
“And how much for the plaid one over there?”
“Oh, that’s the twelve-inch tartan dildo. It’s...$50.”
The woman looks at the selection again and decides to buy the tartan one. The guy wraps it for her and she leaves.
A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. “How’d you do?” he asks the guy.
“Oh, great! I got $50 for my thermos flask!”
There were these two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day, an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through the hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!”
Q: How do you know when you’re really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No, sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.
“Well, son,” the father replied. “Surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars but, realistically, we’re living with two sluts.”
A man out shopping bought some new condoms. When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she asked.
“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.
“Gold, of course,” said the man.
“Really?” she said. “Why don’t you wear silver—it would be nice if you came second for a change!”
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, “Your house.”
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden, a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her pussy.
The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my pussy!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young man would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor said, “OK, what I’m going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Pe
rhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud, “Oh, Doctor, Doctor!” she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute. What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan, I’m going to drown the bastard!!”
A Catholic school girl is engaged to be married. A few days before the wedding she goes on a carriage ride with her mother. “Mom, my hands are cold.”
“Stick them between your legs and they’ll warm up,” says her mother.
The following day she goes on a carriage ride with her fiancé, “My hands are cold,” he says.
“Stick them between my legs and they’ll warm up,” she says.
The day after that they again go on a carriage ride. “My nose is cold,” says the fiancé.
“Stick it between my legs and it’ll warm up,” says the girl.
The third day they are out on another carriage ride. “My penis is cold,” says the boy.
“Stick it between my legs and it will warm up.”
The girl returns home after the carriage ride and says, “Mom, do you know what a penis is?”
“Yes,” answers the mother.
Then the girl tells her, “They sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 6