“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if...”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question. I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man dies happy.
The wife mutters under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy.
A priest who has to spend the night in a hotel asks the girl in reception to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he makes a pass at her, but she stops him and reminds him that he is a holy man.
“It’s OK,” he replies, “it’s written in the Bible.” After a wild night of sex she asks to see where in the Bible it says it’s OK.
The priest rolls over, takes Gideon out of the desk by the bed and shows her the first page. On it, someone has scrawled, “The girl in reception will fuck anyone.’
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but when he did he always granted them wishes. He told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
“OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Q. Why do blondes wear panties?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
One day a husband comes home to his wife and she says to him, “I need $20, dear. I have to go out and buy some meat.”
“$20! Are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and he stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and says, “You see that $20 in the mirror? That one’s yours and this one’s mine.”
He goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other.
He looks over to his wife and says, “Where the hell did you get all this meat?”
“Well,” she replies. “Come upstairs to the bathroom and let me show you something.”
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror, lifting up her skirt.
“You see that in the mirror? Well, that one’s yours and this one’s the butcher’s.”
One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”
Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.
Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
Inside the barn we started kissing and cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well Mary Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.
Up on the hill we started kissing and cuddling and then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, “Okay, Billy Bob, go to town...”
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is ready to go to sleep again, but you guessed it, Morris is back again rapping on the door, fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean I was here already?”
“Hello, darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”
“Listen, honey,” drawled the lady, “if you can hold it in one hand, I’m not interested.”
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don’t want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.
So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two gays are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
“Wow,” one of the gay men says, “our baby is the most well-behaved one in here.”
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, “Now he’s quiet, but wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Women were asked what they would do if they had a penis for a day. These were the responses:I would:
Write my name in the snow
Pee off a tall building
Check out my boyfriend’s
reflexes
Pin my boyfriend down and slap him in the face with it
See how many donuts I could carry with it
I would want a big one and show it off to everyone
I would grab myself in public and not be embarrassed
I would not lift the toilet seat while peeing
I would love it and squeeze it and play with it all day
I would get it kicked to see if it really hurts
I would get it removed
I would see what a woman felt like on the other end
Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best
Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing around
I would measure it both ways
I would play with him and make him roll over into the wet spot
I would go into my boss’ office and lay it on his desk and say, “Where’s my raise?”
I would find my ex-boyfriend and go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new
Demonstrate to my boyfriend that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything
I would prod him all night long with it
Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish serving a customer.
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much for the teapot?” Joe replied, “That’s silver and it costs $100!”
“My goodness, that’s a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Mick had sent her to buy and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”
To which Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can’t. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help.
The doctor examines him and says, “I’ve found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter.”
So the man asks, “What’s the cure, Doctor?”
To which the doctor replies, “We have to cut off 6 inches.”
The man thinks about it, and, eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to reattach the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, “Hey, Doc, didn’t you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!”
Finally, the doctor responds, “F-f-f-f-f-fuck y-y-you!”
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh, my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out of the window. It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could, but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes,” our friend answered, thinking quickly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope... only when it’s raining.”
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breathe through something so small?”
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her living room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared some tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange contents, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Bea,” he said, pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him, “Who’s the most powerful man in the room?”
“That would be Jerry over there by the caviar,” he says.
The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, “Excuse me, Jerry, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I’d like to talk to you.”
Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, “Jerry, I’m going to unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blow job you’ve ever had!”
Jerry smiles slightly and says, “Well, okay. But what’s in it for me?”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their outfit and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.
The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she didn’t allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem.
“When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex.
Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked int
o the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he’d be right back. He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
“How did you get in here?” he asked.
“Shhhhh!!!” she replied. “You’ll wake my mother!”
John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Smiths have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too,” his son replied.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall and sobbing.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.
“Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?” he replied. “And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you or spend the next twenty years in prison.”
Baffled, she said, “Yes, I remember. So what?”
“I would have been a free man today.”
On their first night together, a newly-wed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now. You can open your robe.”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 15