A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking by, but little old grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old. How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s really easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry!”
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”
His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster snarls, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow. I’ll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full reign over the chicken coop.”
The young rooster smiles, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About five seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what’s going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust, “Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.”
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. We do taste like chicken!
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladies walking along the shore in his direction. He panicked and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got closer and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds.”
“Impossible,” said the embarrassed man. “You really know what I think?”
“Yes,” the lady replied. “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”
A woman in her 30s was taking her mother to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her 10-year-old daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor’s office to get the older woman. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: “Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, ‘Don’t we look pretty today,’ while he was looking between my legs! I was quite shocked. Do you think that he was inappropriate?”
Daughter: “Are you sure he wasn’t referring to your hairstyle or something?”
Mother: “Well, it still wasn’t appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?”
Daughter: “I don’t know. Were you embarrassed?”
Mother: “I was very embarrassed. I used some of your vaginal deodorant spray this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don’t think he should have commented!”
Daughter: “I don’t have any spray like that.”
Mother: “Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment.”
Granddaughter: “That’s my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!”
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.”
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog,
he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches.
The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
A sixteen-year-old boy goes to the drugstore one day and asks for some condoms. The clerk says he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth he would want with such things. The boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks and things are starting to heat up. That night he is going to her parents’ house for dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is going to screw her every style from missionary to doggy and back again. The clerk sells the boy the condoms and off he goes.
That night he rings the doorbell at his girlfriend’s house. She answers, and brings him into the dining room where her parents are sitting at the table. Immediately, the boy buries his face in his hands and starts saying grace. A minute passes, then two, and finally, after five minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear, “I didn’t know you were so religious.”
The boy replies, “I didn’t know your father was a clerk.”
Q. What’s the difference between your wages and a penis?
A. You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your wages.
Two sweethearts had been together for a few years during high school and were devoted to each other. When they left school, they both wanted to go to the same university, but the girl was accepted to a university on the East Coast and the guy to one on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to reply to the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to respond to his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I’ve found a new boyfriend—leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but also totally pissed off. So, he decided to take revenge.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and sent the picture to her parents.
On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
“How much for a season ticket?”
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”
The amazed receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Bob replies, “Listen, lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”
The lion gathers all animals to a meeting and tells them that no one is allowed to use condoms anymore because the jungle needs to increase its population. One day, the fox sees that the donkey is wearing a condom and is ready to have sex. The fox runs to the lion and tells him about the donkey wearing a condom.
When the lion confronts the donkey, the donkey says, “That’s not a condom—it’s a snake giving me a blow job!”
There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breast and you are going to like it, but don’t let him do it.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but don’t let him do it—it will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
So the next day, she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said, “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.”
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately, you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles, the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him to the bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her. “Honey?” he whispers. She turns back to him and again they proceed to make love. After fninshing, she rolls over, but he taps her for more attention. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally, the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie’s mom popped in on them. “You’re going to get a good licking when daddy gets home,” she said.
Susi
e replied, “Johnny’s been doing that all afternoon.”
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a beautiful young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “WHAT??”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day, the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them.” Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then he goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 25