“I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”
“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”
There’s a duck staying in a hotel and he’s having a few drinks in the bar when he notices a woman sitting alone and starts chatting with her.
They hit it off, so the duck suggests going back to his room for a nightcap.
The woman agrees.
One thing leads to another and they end up on the bed.
This is all very unexpected for the duck, who’s totally unprepared.
He calls room service and asks if they can supply him with a condom.
“Certainly, sir,” a voice on the end of the phone replies. “Shall I put it on your bill?”
The duck yells back, “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert?”
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mother’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try either the withdrawal method, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
“I see you decided not to take my advice,” he said, eyeing the young children.
“On the contrary, Doc,” she exclaimed. “Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!”
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.
“That’s nice, isn’t it?” Sharon said, waving her arm under her friend’s nose.
“Yeah. What’s it called?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What’s that mean?”
A clerk offered some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon took another sniff. “That doesn’t smell like come to me,” she said, offering her arm to her friend again. “Does that smell like come to you?”
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bathrobe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks, what the hell happened last night?? He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, what happened last night—what have I done? Must have been a wild party. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, please, if there’s a God, let this be a teabag.
Two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they’re changing afterward, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penis was?”
“Yeah,” says his friend, “it’s probably because he’s got toys to play with.”
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Police officers George and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout, and after I showered I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”
George replied, “We don’t have to go back. Just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn’t feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shot between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pricked up, he sniffed the wind, and he was off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes went by with no sign of Fido. Ten minutes passed, and the dog was nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes passed, and they were starting to worry.
Twenty minutes passed, and they heard sirens in the distance. The sirens got louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounded the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.
Two brothers from the Third World have a lifelong dream to emigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate to New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long: the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: HOT DOGS, with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, “What part of the dog did you get?”
An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the postman came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now, class,” she said, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family. But that’s it—no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
“For fuck’s sake!” the tourist cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a guy fucking a sheep, and now some guy’s jerking himself off in the bar!”
“Well, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep.”
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to get ready and someone would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally, the doctor’s assistant, a really gorgeous redhead, entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
“My goodness,” she exclaimed, “I was expecting to see a foot.”
“Well,” he said, “if you’re going to complain about an inch then I’ll take my business elsewhere.”
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As they take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deeper.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting they decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he’s studying medicine and that they’re not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and asks him to blow, and, low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. “So,” the wife says, “what do you think he’ll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?”
“Well,” says the man, rubbing his nose, “from the smell of his fingers, I think he’s likely to be our son-in-law.”
A man stops by to visit his poor friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please?”
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s daughters, both very good-looking. Being the adventurous and quick-thinking kind, he says, “Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!”
They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!”
He replies, “OK, let’s check!” He shouts to his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”
“Yes, both of them!”
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, “Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you’ve had a good night out?”
The first replies, “I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”
The second one replies, “I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night.”
The third one turns around and says, “If I get home, rip off my panties, throw them against the wall and they stick, then I know it was a good night!”
There are a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week. I can’t believe it.”
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad—she’s cut some guys out all together.”
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear: the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.”
The guy says, “Is your brother a doctor?”
“No,” doc replies, “he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
“She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then met with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
A well-endowed young advertising secretary wore very tight clothes that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss called her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”
“Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
He replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you stop advertising it.”
A young man was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually working her way down his torso. The man was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You want to jerk off?” she asked.
“You bet,” came the excited reply.
“OK,” she said. “I’ll come back in ten minutes.”
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in the pocket of your pants with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have a good explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.
“Your dog called last night.”
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t k
now, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The head nurse was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
“Sister,” he mumbled, “are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse of longstanding experience, she was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama pants, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing is wrong with them!!!”
At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “That’s very nice, but are my test results back???”
Ask any man what a woman’s ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you: To have two men at once. According to a recent sociological study this is true; however, most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis—even a thought can raise it.
Between the ages of 16 and 18 she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35 she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45 she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
After 56 she is like Australia—everybody knows it’s down there but no one gives a damn.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 30