Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas, and after a while, they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.
When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visited him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”
“AM I HURT?” he shouted. “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written...”
There are two gay men who have anal sex every night. One night before sex one of the guys has to go to the bathroom. So the other guy says, “OK, but don’t jerk off in there. Save it for later.”
The first guy agrees. He’s in the bathroom for a while, so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the bathroom door, he sees lots of semen everywhere.
He gets angry and yells, “I thought I told you not to jerk off and to save it for later!”
The first gay guy replies, “I didn’t jerk off. I just farted.”
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92 if he could screw, he could fly.”
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.
So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”
“Much better!” she replies with a smile.
“Okay, then,” he says, “now will you please pass the pussy?”
Q. What do a blonde and a lottery ticket have in common?
A. All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
A man goes to the doctor complaining of elbow pain. The doctor tells him he needs a urine sample to test. The man complies, and the doctor takes the cup to a very strange machine and pours it in. After a few seconds the machine prints out a sheet of paper. The doctor tells the man, “Well, it looks like you have tennis elbow.”
The man argues, saying that there is no way. The doctor informs him that his new machine is 99% accurate. So the man, determined to fool the machine, goes home and has his daughter pee in a cup. Then he puts oil from his car in it and jacks off in it. He takes it to the doctor and tells him he’s not feeling well and gives him the cup. The doctor puts it in the machine, and a few seconds later the paper prints out.
“Well, what does it say?” asks the man.
The doctor just looks at him and replies, “Well, your daughter is pregnant, your car needs an oil change, and if you don’t stop jerking off you’ll never get rid of that tennis elbow.”
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day, Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I’m going to kill myself.”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says, “The truth is, Sheila, not only are you a great lay, but you’re a real sport too,” and drives off.
A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied, “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.”
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader’s table. Said the mysterious old woman, “For $15, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”
“That’s true,” said Paul.
“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”
“Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.”
Two men were discussing popular family trends in sex, marriage and values. Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Steve replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. Neither. The rooster came first.
A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
Two men were sitting in the doctor’s office and one asked the other, “What are you here for?”
The man replied, “I have a red ring around my pecker. What are you here for?”
The other man said, “I have a green ring around my pecker.”
The doctor called the man with the red ring into his office first and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor said, “Your pecker is going to fall off and you are going to die.”
The mans said, “What?? You told the man with the red ring he was OK, but I’m going to die?”
The doctor said, “Yes, but there’s a lot of difference between lipstick and gangrene!”
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” Poof! she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna.” Poof! she’s gone.
The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he asks.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but
that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $100 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.”
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week she went out and spent $12,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”
The Irishman nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound stupid. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,” he chuckles. “My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there, and she doesn’t even have a prick!”
There were these three farmers who wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decided that they should stick a cork in the pig’s ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.
After a week or two of this, they stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and, sure enough, they won first prize.
Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.
The reporter asked the first farmer, “What is the last thing you remember?”
“Shit flying everywhere,” the farmer replied.
The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, “What’s the matter?”
The farmer replied, “The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey’s face as he tried to stick the cork back in.”
One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer?”
She said, “Yes.”
“OK, then I’d like to phone a friend.”
There was a geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today’s world and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell’s Angels biker club and tapped on the door. “Excuse me, sirs, I’d like to join your club, if you please,” she croaked in her feeble voice.
A grunt came from inside, “Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!”
“Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys,” she croaked back.
“Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke,” he lied, trying to brush her off.
“Does marijuana count? Because I don’t mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys.”
“Umm, I suppose it does count,” the biker said, and thinking quickly on his feet, said, “Look, we’re a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
“No,” she replied, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a few times.”
A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied, “Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess I’ve been looking for the perfect girl.”
“Oh, come on now,” said my friend. “Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry.”
“Yes, there was one girl—once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me.”
“Well, why didn’t you marry her?” asked my friend.
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “She was looking for the perfect man.”
A woman is picked up by a famous sportsman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt, revealing all his tattoos, and she sees that on his arm is one that reads, “Reebok.” She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.
He says, “When I play live on TV, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.” A bit later, as he takes his pants off, she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”
He says, “It’s cool, baby, in a minute it’s going to say ‘ADIDAS.’”
Q. What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
A. They were originally intended for children but it’s the men who play with them the most.
A cowboy gets captured by the Indians. They say they are going to put him to death, but before they do that, they will grant him three wishes. So, the cowboy thinks a moment and says,
“For my first wish, I want to talk to my horse.”
So the Indians bring his horse over, and the cowboy whispers into the horse’s ear. The horse goes trotting off, and comes back with a beautiful brunette on his back. The cowboy, upset, says to the Indians,
“For my second wish, I want to talk to my horse again.”
So, although perplexed, the Indians bring over his horse, and, again, the cowboy whispers into the horse’s ear. Again, the horse goes trotting off. The horse comes back about an hour later with a beautiful redhead on his back. At this, the cowboy is really mad. So the Indians ask what his final wish will be.
The cowboy again says, “Let me talk to my horse.”
He again whispers into the horse’s ear, and off trots the horse. He comes back an hour later with a BEAUTIFUL blonde on his back.
The cowboy—now furious—turns to the horse and shouts, “YOU STUPID ANIMAL... I SAID POSSE!”
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”
Q. What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A. A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
A couple had just driven in to the supermarket parking lot when their car broke down.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband
who was idly standing by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and the smile wiped off his face!!
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender is busy at the other end and doesn’t see them when they walk in. When he’s done serving the customers there, he walks down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”
The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, “Why do you order two drinks at a time?”
The man replies, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, “Your wife? Where is she?”
“She’s standing here next to me.”
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward and looking over the edge of the bar, utters, “Well, I’ll be damned, she’s no bigger than your fist!”
The man replies, “No, but she’s a lot better!”
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the chicken dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 33