“Yeah! I guess I’m just surprised,” he said. “I thought I was going to get a text with some kind of excuse about studying or needing sleep.” He laughed, pulling his hand from my waist. I could smell the liquor on his breath.
“Nah, I wouldn’t do that. But man, how much have you had to drink already?” I scrunched my face and waved my hand like a fan, fighting a laugh.
“He’s one shot away from being shit-faced,” Leo said from behind him. Leo was one of Brody’s roommates and his best friend. They were both on the football team and members of MPA. I’d met Leo during a meeting and had even meditated with him several times. He was a cool guy, but not the most attentive. Gina had the biggest crush on him for some reason. She’d even joined MPA just to get the chance to meditate with him. It hadn’t happened yet.
I glanced at Gina who was tucking her straightened hair behind her ears and avoiding his eyes as much as possible, trying to play it cool. Morgan had walked off to grab a beer out of the cooler.
“Yo, stop lying!” Brody exclaimed. “I am not that drunk. I can handle a few more. Besides,” Brody stuck his chest out, “it’s my birthday. I’ll get drunk if I want to.”
Gina and I broke out in a fit of laughter.
“Hey, aren’t you in MPA too?” Leo asked, fixing his eyes on Gina.
“Oh—uh, yeah. I am! Just joined last month!” She bit a smile, and her eyes sparkled like she was so happy he’d even realized.
“Cool! Yeah, MPA is awesome! Some good stuff.” Leo pointed a thumb back, taking a step toward her. “Can I get you something to drink?”
Gina, nearly speechless, only nodded at first.
“Speak, Gina,” I teased, giving her the side-eye.
“Oh, duh,” she giggled. “Yep, a drink would be really nice.”
Leo smiled and placed a hand on the small of her back, ushering her toward the cooler, where Morgan was standing, chatting with someone.
That left Brody and me alone. I didn’t realize we were so close until I looked at him again. My back was pressed on the edge of the counter and his groin was almost pushing into mine. If I weren’t mistaken, he was kind of hard. His head was hanging low, his eyes fixed on my lips. Yet again.
“So, you having fun?” I asked, hoping to distract him.
“Yeah, I am. Even more fun now that you’re here.”
I only smiled, straightening my back.
“You’ve never seen my room, have you?” he inquired.
“Nope.” I popped my lips. “Never even been to this place before.”
“I know, I know. It’s just…the guys are fucking messy. I don’t want to bring you around it.” Brody finally pulled away, sliding the tips of his fingers into his front pockets. “Would you like to check it out? My room?”
I drew my lips in and looked down. “What’s in there for us to see?”
“It’s a little more quiet,” he answered, leaning closer. “There’s something I’d actually like to talk to you about too.”
I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted us to be alone. As badly as I wanted to keep my guard up, I would have hated to say no on his birthday. The whole point of my attendance was to hang with him, after all.
“Sure. Why not?” I finally said, and his eyes lit up, like it was the greatest news he’d had all day.
“Cool.” He grabbed my hand and smiled, leading the way through the crowd. His hand was big and locked around mine. He made sure our grips never slipped, despite the sweatiness of our palms.
He’d made it to the stairs, taking them up casually, glancing over his shoulder to check on me. We passed a few couples making out, groping, and sighing. I looked over the guardrails and saw someone looking up.
Blonde hair. Big green eyes. It was Sophie, and with her was Jay. I looked away when they rolled their eyes.
With my hand still clasped in his, Brody met the top of the staircase and continued down the hallway until we stopped in front of the last door on the left with a STOP sign pinned to the door. He finally let go of my hand to open it.
The room was typical for a football player’s dorm. Two twin-sized beds were across from each other, football trophies and rings and books stacked on the shelf above the computer. A small window was above one of the beds and I assumed it was Brody’s because of the Game of Thrones poster of the Night King pinned above it.
“This is what you had to show me?” I joked, walking into the room. “It’s pretty bland if you ask me.”
He shut the door behind him, shrugging a bit when I glanced his way. “Meh. It’s a chill spot when you need to escape the bullshit.” He rocked on his feet a bit. “So…can I be honest here for a second?”
I glanced at him. “Sure.”
“I’m not digging the party. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful that they planned anything for me at all but… I don’t know. Too many people—more than usual. The guys went all out.”
“Well, that’s a good thing! It’s your birthday and they invited more people. That means they cared enough to step out of their way and let more people know about your awesomeness.”
He smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. I felt them on me as I turned to fiddle with the trophies on the shelf.
“Can I ask a serious question?” His voice was lower. Calmer. I looked over my shoulder and found his eyes. They were soft, mellow.
“Of course.”
“What’s up with you and me? Like, where do we stand, Kandy? I’m tired of being in the dark about us. My friends always ask me and I never know what to tell them and it’s getting pretty embarrassing.” He huffed a laugh.
I blinked rapidly. Um…okay. Wow. This was not the question I was expecting. Pretty deep. “I…I don’t know, Brody. I guess I thought we were friends?”
“Friends that hang out more than three times a week, even with practices and conditioning? I don’t think so.” He took a few steps toward me, cupping my waist with one hand and using the other to tip my chin. “I really like you, Kandy. I do, and maybe it’s the drinks making me say all of this, but I want you to be mine. I’m tired of letting the time we share go to waste. I want to kiss you, and hold you, and do so much more with you.”
Shit. No. No no no no. I mean, SWOON! But no.
“Brody, I—“ I started to push away, but he held me tighter.
“I know something happened in your life that makes you not trust me—or any guy for that matter—but I promise you I’m not like other guys.”
“I know you aren’t,” I murmured. “Trust me, I know. You’re the sweetest guy I know.”
“So why won’t you give us a chance? Why do you still keep your guard up around me? Am I doing something wrong?”
My heart was beating faster with every word he poured out, my pulse rushing to my ears. I dropped my eyes and tried focusing on anything other than him. I didn’t know what to tell him. As badly as I wanted him to let this go, I knew he wouldn’t. Brody was persistent that way.
I refused to tell him about Cane, about my past, about my parents and how ashamed of me they probably were. I didn’t want him to know about the Kandy Jennings before college, the one who had, and still did, crave a man she knew she couldn’t have.
I didn’t want him to know that I wasn’t ready to move on, so I did the one thing I knew would shut him up.
I kissed him.
Chapter Twenty-One
KANDY
The kiss felt wrong and weird and…dull.
These lips weren’t the same lips that ravished and devoured me months ago. These lips were hungry, yes, but they were also careful and diligent.
Brody moaned, wrapping his arm around my waist and picking me up like I was the weight of a feather. Twisting us around, he laid my back flat on his bed and thrust his hardening cock between my thighs.
I tried my hardest to get lost in the moment. Just try. Maybe this will give you the extra boost to get over Cane, I thought to myself. I wanted Brody to take over every single one of my senses. I wanted to want
him just as much as he wanted me…but I couldn’t.
When his tongue plunged through my lips, I didn’t feel the heat roll through my belly and zap me in the core. When one of his hands skimmed down my waist and the other palmed one of my breasts, I didn’t whimper or sigh with utter satisfaction. I was just…there. Stuck in a moment that did nothing for me.
But Brody didn’t care. He kept kissing me, quenching his thirst after two long months of waiting. He thrust hard between my legs, groaning when he broke the kiss to suck on my bottom lip. I sighed to give him satisfaction. It was his birthday. This was a gift from me to him, I suppose. We kissed until our lips were raw and his cock was straining in his jeans and digging into me.
“Damn,” he groaned, pushing up a bit to look down. “I’m so hard right now.”
“You are.” I forced a laugh.
He peered up, running the tip of his tongue over his plump bottom lip. “Should we—I mean…do you want that to happen yet?”
I swallowed and could taste the liquor from his tongue, as well as the tequila I’d downed not even ten minutes ago. Now was when I needed to be honest. It couldn’t go that far with him. I shook my head. “Maybe not tonight,” I whispered.
He nodded way too quickly, like he already knew I was going to turn him down. “Yeah. I understand.” With a grunt, he pushed up on his palm until he was standing. I sat up too, and couldn’t ignore the hard ridge in his pants. He dragged a palm over his face and groaned. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I shouldn’t have come onto you like that. I mean—I wasn’t trying to rush things and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable—”
“Brody, stop. Please.” I grabbed his hand and tugged on it, forcing him to sit beside me. “It’s fine, I promise. You didn’t force anything.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
He nodded, lowering his gaze. We were quiet for a while, the bass of the music filling the void.
“He must have been one hell of a guy,” he said. “For you to fully deny me like that.”
My heart dropped. “W-what? What are you talking about?”
“I think I figured it out,” he went on. “Why you’re so hesitant. It’s not because of something bad happening to you. You just aren’t ready to move on from whoever had you before you got here. Hell, for all I know, you’re still keeping in touch with him.”
He picked his head up and our eyes bolted. I had no words. None. He looked at me with so much empathy and sorrow, like I was some poor, lost soul who would never be fixed.
I panicked.
I couldn’t handle it.
The kiss shouldn’t have happened and staying there on that bed with him would have led to him asking about my past, about Cane, and he was the last person I wanted to talk about.
“I—I have to go.” I pushed off the bed and rushed for the door.
“Wait—Kandy! What’s wrong?”
“I just… I need to go. I need some air.” I could feel my bottom lip ready to quiver. Don’t cry here. Don’t cry in front of him.
I opened the door and rushed out to the hallway, while he stood in his room, confused and unsure what to do. “Happy birthday, Brody,” I said, then took off, rushing down the stairs.
I made way for the kitchen and found Morgan and Gina still there. Gina was still flirting with Leo in a corner and Morgan was sipping on a beer while scrolling through her phone by the patio door. I didn't want to interrupt Gina. I knew she’d longed to hang out with Leo for months, so I went for Morgan.
“Can we go?” I asked, grabbing her arm.
“Really?” Her eyes expanded. “We just got here. What happened?”
“I’m just…not feeling too well. Kind of getting a headache.”
She didn’t feed into my lie. “Shit, did something happen with Brody? I knew that fucker was too good to be true! You need me to go up there and kick his ass?”
“No Morgan, he didn’t do anything wrong, I swear. I just…I really, really need to get out of here. I need fresh air. Please,” I begged, holding her eyes. She must’ve realized I was serious because she gave a hard nod and grabbed my hand, leading the way out the patio door.
“Kandy!” I heard Brody call. I looked back and he was trying to get through the thick crowd that’d gathered in the kitchen. I didn’t stop. “Wait—Kandy!” he called again.
We trekked through the backyard, on top of icy grass and plastic cups, until we reached a gate. Once we hit the sidewalk, we walked pretty fast to get back to our building. Well, maybe I was the only one walking fast. Morgan was struggling to keep up with me.
“What the hell happened, Kandy?” Morgan asked, trying to match my pace. “If he did something, then let me know and I can help. We can let someone of authority know.”
“He didn’t do anything wrong, Morgan! It was me! I fucked it up!” I stopped walking, twisting around to face her. Her eyes were wide and probably more confused than Brody’s were minutes ago.
“What do you mean you fucked it up? What was there to fuck up?”
I shut my eyes and shook my head. Drawing in two deep breaths, I opened them again to focus on my roommate. “Can I tell you something and you promise not to judge me?”
“I would never judge you. You know that,” she insisted, taking a step closer.
I blinked hard, fighting the emotion, a tremble trying to claim my lip again. It didn’t help that it was thirty-fucking-degrees outside. “Brody wants to be more than friends…but I can’t do that with him. I can’t give him more.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t move past the last guy I was with.”
“An ex-boyfriend?” she inquired.
“Well, that’s the thing. He was never really my boyfriend. Just…someone I messed around with. But it got serious the more time we spent together. Then something bad happened.” I shut my eyes, reliving that terrible night all over again. Remembering how Mom cried so hard when she had the flash drive. Seeing the blood on the ground. How Dad couldn’t even look at me the next day.
“Something bad like what?”
I opened my eyes. “The guy was my dad’s best friend…and my dad found out about us. It ruined everything.”
“Holy shit,” she gasped, eyes widening.
“I haven’t heard from him in a few months. When my dad found out, it was the night before I had to come here. I didn’t get the chance to see him because he was in the hospital.”
“Shit, Kandy.”
“I know. It’s so fucked up and we promised to move on and get past what we were doing, but it was so hard. Harder than I imagined it would be. I think about him every single fucking day. I even called him the third day I was here. He called back, we talked a little…but there was no depth to the conversation. It was almost like he was already moving on.” I wiped at my face when a single hot tear slid down. “I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Wow…I’m so sorry, Kandy.” She shook her head. “I mean, I knew there was something up because you never talked to us about relationships or your ex-boyfriends, but I didn’t realize it was like that.”
“It’s fine,” I sighed.
“So…Brody doesn’t know about the last guy? That he was your dad’s best friend?”
“He knows there’s someone I can’t get over, but not that the guy was my dad’s best friend. We, um…we kissed in his room just before I came downstairs. He thought it would lead to more, but I turned him down and I think that bothered him because he started assuming really personal stuff, trying to get an answer out of me.”
“No shit?”
“I felt nothing with Brody, Morgan. Not a damn thing. I was hoping I would feel a spark or something that would push me over the hump of my past, but…there was nothing. It didn’t even feel right. I know this is crazy to say, but I feel like I don’t belong to anyone else but the last guy I was with, and it sucks because we both wanted each other so much, but because of his life and his job, and because of my parents and my age
, it’s not right for us to be together. I can’t have my family and have him too. Not after everything they know.”
“Wow.” She placed her hands on her waist. “This is some really deep shit.”
“I know.” I waved my hands. “Sorry to dump it all on you like this but…” A sigh escaped me, my chest feeling less heavy than it did five minutes ago. “It feels good to finally talk about it. I haven’t even told Frankie about it yet. I’m waiting to fill her in in person, during Thanksgiving break. I don’t want her freaking out or getting distracted, you know?”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I’m glad you told me! And you know what—it is what it is! It’s life! I think you chose wisely. You need your parents. And, you know, just because you want to move on, it doesn’t mean that it has to be with Brody. It’s only been a few weeks, girl. You still need time to heal. Give yourself that time.” She hooked her arm through mine, starting up our walk again. “I would never judge you over something like that. Ever.”
I smiled up at her. I was glad.
We made it to our dorm and both of us changed into pajamas. We were done for the night. I didn’t have it in me to check my phone or text Frankie back about how awful I was at the party, so I curled up beneath my blankets and was glad Morgan shut the lights off and did the same after texting Gina to let her know we’d left.
I felt bad about that too, but luckily Gina said another teammate of ours, Claudia, had shown up, and Claudia was pretty nice and good friends with Gina.
We laid in silence for a moment, and I thought Morgan had fallen asleep, until she called my name.
“Yeah?” I murmured.
“I know you said he wanted you, but do you think he was in love with you? The guy you were with?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “He sometimes looked at me like he adored me. He even told me he wasn’t sure how he was going to move past me…but he never said anything about being in love. Did he love me? Yes. But I don’t know about him falling that hard for me.”
“Hmm.”
“What’s that for?”
“I don’t know. I guess…well, what I’m thinking is that he’s keeping the distance for your own good. Not to hurt you, but to give you a chance at better things. I’m sure you probably think he’s being selfish by not calling or texting, but maybe he’s being selfless by allowing you the chance to live your life instead of setting you back. A selfish man would have kept you around and not given a damn what your parents had to say. A selfish man would have stopped you from living your life, but instead he set you free.”
Breaking Mr. Cane Page 11