Sera thought about what she wanted to say. She had so much bundled up inside. There was so much Tyler didn’t know. No one knew. PTSD had so many different layers and degrees to it that it was a hard condition to figure out. Not one affected person acted or responded the same and while some knew what triggered their episodes, others weren’t so lucky. She wanted to count her blessings. Trains were an obvious prompt for her breakdowns and while she had once tried to avoid them, she was tired of running from her problems. Running wasn’t helping. Whether she eluded any sightings of them or not, the memories were still there. Somehow she still found her way back to that day beside the tracks in Afghanistan. The sad part was, the thought of a train had actually brought her comforting memories in the moments before the blast. But now all it was was a reminder of what had happened.
At times, the guilt was so incredibly unbearable she thought it might do her in. Not that she would ever consider the option. It was the physical weariness that wore on her. The mental exhaustion that kept her in fits. Every day, she got up feeling as if she were battling something—except she wasn’t sure what it was. She wondered if stress could really kill a person, if she’d just go to bed one night and not wake up. The idea was fearsome. Likely the reason she didn’t want to fall asleep.
It wasn’t the way she wanted to live. She didn’t want the rest of her life stalked with bad memories and sleepless nights. She wanted some normalcy again. To do the things she always dreamt about. The things Tyler had mentioned earlier that day: get married, have a family. A job wasn’t anything she’d really ever considered because her future had always revolved around Tyler’s career, but right now, she’d take that over wallowing in her own self-pity. She hadn’t given any of that much thought since returning from Afghanistan. Her focus had been on dealing with her disorder while trying to stay in the army, but when she couldn’t do that, she’d come back home, hoping to heal. But instead of rebuilding her life, the pain had been cut deeper when she had to face Tyler, the man she once believed she’d share all those dreams with.
Her rollercoaster of emotions had done a loop after their spat that afternoon. He’d flipped her world upside down once again by merely saying that he hadn’t wanted what happened between them. Well, if not, then why had he done it? She wanted so badly to ask, yet she was afraid to know the answer. Along with everything else, she was confused about why she’d kept badgering Tyler about cheating on her. It was never a genuine concern. She had just been so darn angry at the time that she seemed to pick a fight every chance she got. It was a lot to swallow now that she thought back on it.
Despite all the uncertainty, she knew she was losing the battle to stay angry with him. She hated how he still had the ability to take her from fighting mad to calm and vice versa on a flip of a dime, which was what the past few days had been like. One minute she was ready to uproar and the next they were cuddling in bed like the lovers they once were. She was afraid to go there, especially now that he had laid the groundwork for some kind of peace talk, because if she’d found herself in bed with Tyler on ugly terms, she could definitely see herself there if things were friendlier.
Which would only give him the power to break her heart all over again, and that was something she couldn’t deal with. Not now. Not with all the other madness going on in her life. Wanton dreams or not, Tyler wasn’t the man to fulfill them for her.
Remembering that he’d asked a question that she hadn’t answered, she conveyed the gist of what she’d just considered.
“I just want to be normal again. I don’t want to live like this, Tyler. I want more out of life and if it takes me sitting here every day until I can do so without awful memories going through my head, then I will.”
“Sera, there are other ways. You’re torturing yourself.”
“I’ve tried other ways. Nothing helped. I did one-on-one sessions and group therapy. I hate doping myself up just to get through a day. I don’t know what else to do other than face the problem head on.”
She sensed some understanding when Tyler draped an arm over her shoulder and pulled her into him. It went completely against everything she had just told herself, but she rested against his shoulder and let him hold her anyway.
It wasn’t until she closed her eyes again that she felt him brush a kiss to the side of her face and say, “I’m proud of you for being so brave.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. He’d be deeply disappointed if he knew she wasn’t nearly as brave as he believed.
Chapter 9
The smell of coffee filtered down the hallway as Sera made her way to the kitchen. It wasn’t her usual drink of choice; she much preferred a glass of juice or water in the morning, but the aroma was enticing. After pouring a cup, she looked out the window, seeing Tyler’s long body slumped down in the porch swing with his legs stretched out over the banister.
Even though it was after ten, she was surprised he was awake. Since arriving, he usually slept in much later than that. She couldn’t blame him with the hours he kept. He’d been awake when she fell asleep while listening to him thumb his guitar. She’d fought the urge to get up and listen more closely, or try to talk about the problems riddling him. His song release was apparently more of an issue than she’d imagined. She’d figured that out when she noticed every time his music was mentioned, his face crinkled with strain. It wasn’t the effect she remembered it having on him and she hated that something he loved so much was bringing him distress.
He’d given her another pass. There was no prodding or pushing when they left the tracks. He’d taken what she said and left it there. She appreciated his kindness, especially after what she’d put him through the last two days.
His presence had really thrown her off, but after thinking about it more, she imagined the situation couldn’t be any easier for him. They’d loved each other. Not the kind of love that passed through your teenage years and you never thought about again, but the kind you build a life around and promised forever. Sharing a house with someone with whom you’d broken those promises wasn’t easy. Both of them were also running high on emotions from their individual problems too, which only made the situation more complex. The smart thing would be for one of them to leave, yet neither had. That had to say something, other than the fact that she loathed the idea of going to Chicago and knew Tyler would be completely insane if he spent one night at his father’s. He could have gone back to Nashville, which seemed like the more sensible idea, but he was content to stay, even with all the strain between them. She couldn’t imagine why.
She’d thought about that while sitting out by the tracks yesterday. She thought a lot—something she tried not to do that often. But while her usual obsession fueled the guilt she carried, yesterday’s unearthing was more about the person she was, and who she wanted to be. She’d been pretty selfish in the past. Not with material things or her time, but emotionally. Her feelings were her own, not anyone else’s, and she didn’t do well when others hammered at the walls she built. Tyler had always been the exception to that, or so she’d thought. Along with a lot of other things yesterday, she realized she’d held back from him too, and that the ending of their engagement was just as much her fault as it was his. So, if their relationship wasn’t as strong as either believed, then what was he doing there now, when it would be so much easier if he left? Trying to make past sins right—sins he didn’t entirely commit.
• • •
Hearing the start of the mower, Sera put down the book she was reading and went to the window. Tyler had abandoned the swing. She scanned the yard, seeing the push mower where she’d left it, then went to the back door to see what he was doing.
He was making his way across what was more of a field than a lawn on the riding mower. She watched for a few moments, her eyes following along the straight lines he drove, the grass piling up neatly behind. She tried to concentrate when she went back to her book, but the picture of his lean body kept pulling her away. After twenty minutes of staring at t
he same page, she got back up and went to the door again. The August heat, even before noon, was intimidating. On her third trip back, he’d shed his shirt. The thick muscles were marred by an uneven farmer’s tan. She giggled quietly. Celebrities were supposed to keep up with their appearances, but apparently Tyler hadn’t gotten the memo. Weirdly, though, she was attracted to the pasty skin on his chest. The area called to her, saying touch me, touch me. She imagined doing so, running her palms along the widths, settling them in the curve of his waist. Tingling, she looked away, hoping to distract the warm kindling down below. There had been no tainted thoughts the night he’d crawled into her bed. She’d been too upset to acknowledge anything other than that she still found him attractive. However with her mood more amiable and him half naked, she longed for more than looking at him. She’d been with only one other person since Tyler, and as much as she cared for Rollins, they’d never had the kind of chemistry she and Tyler had.
Sitting down on the back steps, her head moved back and forth with every trip Tyler made across the lawn. She didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was looking at him. He knew she was there. He flashed a big grin and she waved back. It was silly that the simple gesture made her all giddy inside, but it did.
By the time he pulled up and stopped in front of her, the tingling had her squeezing her thighs together. She felt like a hormonal teenager, because only a teenager could find beads of moisture rolling down one’s neck erotic. She bit down on her lip, combating the urge to lick the wetness away. He reeked of a mixture of earth and salty sweat, but somehow she even found that enticing.
“Need something?” he asked as he turned the mower off.
Grateful for the distraction, she asked, “Do you want something to drink?”
“Water,” he answered, swiping his arm across his forehead.
Okay, so she was definitely in a hormonal tangle—and pretty sure her lips could do a better job of absorbing the dampness than his forearm had.
She stood, uneasy from the flames sparking through her hips. “Sure.” She nodded. “I’ll be right back.”
Grabbing a bottle from the refrigerator, she let it swing closed with a little more force than she meant. What was wrong with her? Staring and excited over seeing Tyler naked. She’d seen him naked plenty of times—fully naked, at that. His lack of clothing wasn’t the only reason she couldn’t get him out of her mind. She’d been thinking about him since lying in bed last night. Their talk at the train tracks had somehow brought her some resolve and despite her reservations of becoming involved with Tyler again, in those moments before she drifted off to sleep, she really wished for the comfort of having him there with her.
• • •
After coming in from the yard, Tyler noticed a missed call from his manager. He went to the porch with the intention to return it, but then went back inside without doing so. Seeing that Sera was making dinner, he took a shower. He gave his phone another look as he pulled on a pair of jeans. After pulling a T-shirt over his head, he dialed. Almost immediately, he was greeted with the false air of bullshit that he’d become accustomed to when it came to dealing with Bradley.
“Hey, Tyler. My man. How’s Kentucky?”
“It’s good,” Tyler answered, already knowing what the call was about.
“So we’ve got a deadline. What do you say? Can I give them the go ahead for the song?”
A pull in Tyler’s shoulder tightened. It was just a song. Wasn’t that what Sera had said? “I’m still not sold on it.”
“Ty, look. The label is breathing down my neck on this. They wanted it announced weeks ago and agreed to give you a few days. They want it out there before this tour kicks off, which is a little more than two weeks away. There’s a lot that goes into promotion. You know that. It needs to be on the air by the time those bus tires start rolling.”
“Yeah, I know.” Tyler rubbed the back of his neck. Some of the tension he’d woken up with had eased during the day, but as soon as he heard Bradley’s voice it was back.
“So give the okay on the damn song. Quit making this difficult. You’re going to shit this away if you don’t.”
“I gave them other options.”
“And they were clear that this was the song they want next. They want to show your softer side. You’ve done the hyped-up redneck thing. Let’s let the fans know Tyler Creech isn’t just a beer-guzzling, chick-chasing Neanderthal. That he’s had heartache just like everyone else.”
Bradley had no idea how true that statement was. He didn’t drink, nor actively chase women, and he’d seen more than his share of heartache, which was the problem. The song wasn’t something that came to him sporadically in the middle of the night. He wasn’t feeding off a friend’s despair. He’d bared his soul in that song and he wasn’t sure how the other person involved might feel about her life being heard by millions.
“Give me till tomorrow.”
Bradley sighed. “Tyler, you know they’re going to do what they want anyway. They’re just trying to make you feel as if you have a say and to let you think you’re included.”
He was well aware of that. It was in his contract. Something he definitely intended to address when it was time for renewal. “One more day,” he reiterated.
• • •
Sera knew something was off when Tyler sat down to the table for dinner. Gone were the silly grins he’d been using to try to hide his tired and ragged face. In their place were lines of worry extending around the edges of his lips, and a deep crinkle in his forehead that illustrated his thoughts. Was there more going on that she didn’t know about? Or was he worked up solely about the next song?
It didn’t take Einstein to know his dilemma. He’d casually mentioned that he wasn’t sure how it would be received and she had good inclination that he was referring to what she thought of it. Two days ago she would have sworn that he was guiding a knife slowly into her heart and turning it ever so lightly so she could feel every inch of its blade. But some resolve had come to her yesterday. With the decision to more or less fight for her life back or the life she wanted, she also came to the conclusion that it was time to let go of all the animosity with Tyler. Like she’d already admitted, she knew she had a good hand in his decision to end their relationship, and it was time that she let bygones be bygones.
With little talk at the table, she began missing the easiness of the day. They’d sat on the back porch and talked for more than an hour when she brought him the water. Mostly catching up about Roy and Diana. It was a safe topic, one she appreciated after the polluted thoughts that came from watching him mow. It was also a nice way to spend the afternoon. However, the evening had turned cumbersome again.
After helping clean up, Tyler returned to the porch. Sera had left him to his thoughts that morning. But with the compassion he’d shown the last couple of days, she couldn’t continually ignore that he was stressed out too.
Standing in the doorway, she looked out into the darkness. Uncle Roy lived down in a little holler, as the folks around there called it. It was a small gully carved in the hills where the sky darkened quicker than in town and the surrounding wilderness overpowered everything around, making the space feel like a box once night fell. Even after living in Cobb City for almost nine years and thinking of it as home, she still couldn’t say the word like everyone else. Haller, she pronounced to herself, unable to attain the accent that Eastern Kentucky folks had. Hollow, she said again. The word never seemed to run properly off her tongue.
“Only eight o’clock and it’s dark already,” she said, stepping through the open door.
• • •
Tyler turned with Sera’s voice. He didn’t need her to remind him that they had run out of daylight. Soon the darkness would also disappear, announcing another day had arrived, which meant two things. One, he had a call to make, and two, he was one more day closer to leaving. Three weeks had sounded like forever upon his arrival, but it was passing by too quickly. There was too much to do, to
o much to say, and way too much to make up for in too little of time. “Just think, in a couple of months it’ll be getting dark at like six,” he replied.
“Guess you’ll be living the high life again by then,” she said, smiling at him.
God, how he missed that smile. She was beginning to do it often too. Not that he was complaining. He enjoyed seeing the pleasure radiating out of her. “The high life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
Glad she’d come out, he took a seat in the swing, and then patted the spot next to him for her to sit as well.
“Really?” she asked.
Tyler pushed off the porch with his legs setting the swing into motion. “It gets pretty stressful and tiring and lonely.”
“Doesn’t sound all that appealing.” She laughed.
Tyler looked over. Her cheeks still rolled from the giggle and her eyes flew wide with curiosity. Most days, life on the road wasn’t appealing, but then—“Actually when I’m up on stage there’s no better feeling. There’s something about looking out into the crowd and focusing on someone who’s singing right along with you. They know every word and you can see in their eyes that it means something to them. Whether it’s just a memory of a good time or a loved one, it lets you know what you’re doing is right.” He paused. “It’s the before and after that wears on you. Not to mention the politics of it all.”
“I thought the before and after would be the exciting part,” Sera said. “All the places you get to see.”
He gave another hard push with his feet, propelling the swing backwards, then forwards again. “If I got to see them, yeah, it would be. Usually, I’m too tired to do anything before, and depending on the show, sometimes I don’t get off stage until almost midnight. By the time we’re all packed up and ready to go, it’s well into the middle of the night and hard to fall asleep from the hype of it all. Like I said, it gets stressful and tiring after a while.”
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