“What happened?”
“He left me,” I croak. “He made love to me… He didn’t even speak just… oh my God.” I cover my face as the memories rush in like a tsunami. There is no part of my life without him in it. It’s like a movie montage. I see us as children. Even then, I was trying to look different. More like the popular girls, less like a biker. The bubble gum machine I still have tucked away under my bed in a plastic container. Edge, always Edge, was the one constant in my life.
He’s been my greatest joy and my most painful gift. And now…
“I’m a fraud,” I whisper, looking at him. “I am. Edge was right. I try to be whatever anybody I’m hanging out with wants me to be because…” My mind catches up, and all of a sudden, I get it. Like someone has poured hot tar on me and ripped it off, I get it.
“I’m nothing but a follower.”
Doug shakes his head. “No. You want so much to escape the very thing you want deep inside that it’s fucked with your head.”
“He said I was ashamed of him.”
“Are you?”
I’m caught in the past. So, many times he came to school with a black eye or a broken rib. Dirty fingernails and greasy hair.
“Sometimes I was,” I whisper.
Doug nods. “He knows, Dolly. And he fucking doesn’t care because he was there and felt all the stuff you’re feeling too.”
“He was. Oh God, Doug. Kids made fun of us. Our parents… well, you’ve seen them.” I wipe my tears away. But they won’t stop, much like my past, which I always try to put behind me for this very reason. “His dad was awful. He beat him.” I nod because if anyone understands beatings, it’s Doug.
“He tortured him, calling him so many horrible things. All because he loved me.” I scoot to the end of the leather seat, my hands moving in circles like I’m strumming a harp. “We loved each other. It was us against the world, and then he gave in and became everything I knew he would be, though I never believed he would do it.”
“Dolly, if this is about the Crystal thing, he was a fucking kid getting it from all sides. Jesus Christ, you have to let that go. I have never seen a man look at a woman…” He waves his hand. “Fuck that, I’ve never seen anyone, man or woman, look at each other the way you two do. So, I need to ask you this and I need you to be honest.” He lets it sit there like he’s going to say the worst thing ever but needs to prepare himself.
“What would you do if he left the Disciples for you?” His hands go boom. “Just gone. Hands in his cut. What would you do? What would he do? I mean your bestie is married to the president. Your other one is married to the historian.” He sits back and crosses his ankles.
“No more barbecues, pool parties. No more bikes. What would you do?”
I blink at him. “That… that would never happen. Club first,” I sneer.
“I think if you made him choose, it would one hundred percent be you. The man went to jail for you for fuck’s sake.”
My mind is swirling at Doug’s words. Would he?
“But Dolly, then that’s it. He’s out. Do you think he’d be happy leaving his family? And the real question is, would you?”
Silence. Nothing but my mind trying to compartmentalize what he’s saying.
“I don’t want that.” I shake my head. “Holy fuck. I’m a biker.”
Doug bursts out laughing, his pretty white teeth almost sparkling.
“Um, no. You’re Dolly, but they accept you. They love you. Same as I love you, which is why I have to do this. Because if you can’t see what you are and what you want, then we need to drive you to your apartment and never talk to them again.”
I’m breathing hard as I understand at last. “I don’t need to win, Doug.” I set down the cup of coffee I’ve been spilling all over my jeans.
“All this time, I thought I had to. But he’s the winner. He gets it and he tried to tell me for years.” I stand up then hit my head on the top of the limo. “He wins. And I’m just me. Oh my God, I need to tell him.”
I grab my phone and call him. Doug has tears in his eyes as he watches me talk some crazy shit into his voicemail. I hang up and look at him. “You know he’s probably thrown that fucking phone away.”
“Of course he has. He’s Edge.” He says this like it’s normal. “Baby Doll, this is what he’s been trying to tell you since you stabbed him.”
I push the partition button and scream at Robert to take me to the compound.
“I’m so sorry. What’s a compound? Do you have an address?” He looks at us in his mirror.
“Oh my God, Robert, I don’t have time for this. Doug, tell him.” I snatch my cigarettes and light up, hoping it calms me. How the hell am I going to win him back?
I sit up and reach for Doug. “We need to stop by my place first.”
Poor Robert looks confused. “Keep going. I’ll direct you.” Doug wraps his arm around me. “Thank God you have seen the light.” He smirks as he steals my cigarette, frowning as he takes in my appearance.
“Maybe I should take it from here. You need a quick touch-up.”
I sigh leaning my head on his shoulder as he passes back the cigarette. “Don’t ever get mad at me again.”
“Don’t ever make me have to tough love you again.” He kisses the top of my head and rests his chin on me. “I want you to go and get your biker, Baby Doll.”
EDGE
Thirty-one years old
I left her before the sun came up. At most, I slept for about two hours. I lay awake to hold her, smell her, and give her time before I made my silent exit.
The darkness of our suite and her calm breathing gave me a moment of peace before I got up and left my soul, my very being with her. I picked up my shit, including my destroyed clothes, and walked out.
The cool morning air should have refreshed me. But I barely notice as I’m dead inside. Without her, I’m an unhappy man. Unhappiness is tricky. It’s a sneaky beast that devours a person, festering day by day. Until one day you wake up and the unhappiness has eaten you up and you’re mean. You spit your bad energy at others and hope to feel alive.
My father. Jesus Christ, without her, is that going to be me?
I almost don’t remember the Uber ride. Blade and Axel were waiting for me. Eve decided to stay in Vegas to help Charlie and David with the baby.
I drank bourbon and OJ the whole forty-five-minute plane ride back to the Hollywood Burbank Airport and passed out the last ten minutes of the trip.
I stumbled into the black Tahoe ignoring the confused prospect who was driving. No one uttered a word. No one said Congratulations. Nothing but the wind on the SUV and the orange blossom smell alert me that we’re home.
Home.
Fucking joke. I was supposed to be on my honeymoon with my wife, lying poolside, drinking margaritas, and fucking all day and night, not dragging my ass back here.
“I’m sorry, man. I heard what happened.” I blink at Ripper, opening my eyes wide to see him. I think I dozed off even though I offered to help him with his bike. I almost ask him what he heard, but I’m too tired to care.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat, crack my neck, and stand up.
Ripper’s laid back unless you piss him off. Then he lives up to his name. He and Axel are tight. Going into the marijuana dispensary business early was smart. Both of them are making a killing.
Pulling out my cigarettes, I light up and look around the compound. Flowers and kids’ toys are scattered along the gravel. All my brothers’ bikes are parked in a row, the massive amount of chrome making me squint as the sun bounces off the bikes.
Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back letting the sun warm my face instead of blinding me. “Where’d you get this bike again?”
“An ex-girlfriend’s brother collects vintage Harleys.” He chuckles. I open my eyes and watch him smile at something he texts.
“Yeah…” He pockets his phone. “We’re still tight even though his sister is a fucking cunt. He brought it over as a gift.” He
reaches for the joint he balanced on the porch railing. “I told him he had found the love of my life.”
Fuck, I wish I was him. Swap bodies and let all my pain be his. I want to be naïve enough to think that the love of my life is a bike.
“Start it up.”
He gets on, and it takes five times to turn over, instantly backfiring. “You hear that? That’s what I need your help with. I can’t figure out what it is,” he yells.
I want to yell back, No shit. I don’t because I’m not an ass. But what the hell? Of course, I can hear it. Instead, I nod and motion for him to rev it up. Mindless energy—that’s what I need. Get my hands greasy and stop thinking about her, my marriage, all the crap that I’m so fucking sick of.
“Rip. Heads up.” Axel walks up drinking a beer and throwing one at him.
Rip turns off the bike. “Dude, Edge is gonna help fix my girl.” He hands Axel the joint and cracks open the beer.
They both look at me as they pass the joint back and forth.
“You need a nap.” Axel’s eyes narrow on me. The right one’s purple where I hit him and I feel like doing it again. I’m not in any sort of mood for his condescending tone.
The sound of crunching gravel announces a car rather than a bike, and that saves him. Flicking my cigarette onto the gravel, I look at Axel who raises a brow at me.
“Just let her talk, and guard your balls.” He snickers. “Maybe pat her down.” This time, he throws his head back to laugh.
“Asshole,” I mumble, hearing the screen door to the clubhouse shut.
“Dolly, I swear to God, if you want me to keep my statement changed you better stay away,” I hear Crystal screaming.
“Christ.” I take off for the front.
“Please. You’re nothing to me, bitch. I couldn’t care less what you do.”
“Shit.” With my heart in my throat, I turn the corner and run smack into Dolly.
“Jesus Christ.” I reach for her.
“Edge,” she screams, grabbing a hold of my shirt. Her vanilla candy scent invades me and all is gone. Crystal, the club, Axel, everything has disappeared as I look into her face.
“I… I need you to have th—” She swallows and holds up the crappy beat-up bubble gum machine from when we were kids.
I look down at her pretty hands. They’re shaking as she holds it up. “This. This is us.” She nods, her eyes nothing but pools of dark chocolate.
My breath comes in short bursts as I fight my reaction to grab her and love her.
She came to me.
Jesus Christ, it’s all over her face, but I stay quiet because this is something she needs to do. Fuck, we need her to do this.
“I woke up and you were gone.” A big fat tear rolls down her flawless skin. Her eyes caress my face like she’s seeing me, really seeing me. “At first, I sat there angry, my mind trying to justify everything. My behavior, your behavior. Almost in shock, you know? My head kept replaying you saying ‘This is goodbye.’ And I couldn’t…” She’s crying, not holding back the tears that she usually does her best to tamp down. They pour out of her like Mother Nature when she unleashes a storm.
“I couldn’t understand what happened.” She shakes her head. “I couldn’t accept that you were right.” She laughs as she chokes up. “You were right,” she whispers. “I am ashamed of being a biker brat. I’m ashamed of everyone thinking that we are biker brats.”
My heart races. Her gut-wrenching tears make her chest heave with her pain as she lets it all go.
“You’re the first thing I’ve always thought about from as far back as I can remember. I don’t care about Crystal anymore because I get it.” She lifts the bubble gum machine up. “I get it now, Edge. You can’t fix me.” She says all this like she’s enlightening me, and I love her so much it’s making me reach for my heart.
“But together, I can learn to accept all our good, bad, and ugly. Because the boy who gave me this is the man who’s standing here.”
I take the bubble gum machine from her. It’s more powerful than our rings; it means more.
“You, Edge. You win. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. You win me, my love, my pain… I give it all to you.”
“Thank fuck.” I grab her, and my eyes, which haven’t shed tears since I was a child, feel damp.
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted. You, only you.” As I bend toward her and pull her to me, the metal from the gumball machine jabs into our chests, yet I feel nothing but her tears and love.
“I live for you, Dolly. I have loved you forever. I’ll love you until I die.” I don’t kiss her; I want to look at her… see her eyes, so peaceful and clear.
“This is us. Edge and Dolly forever.”
DOLLY
One year later
“Just kill me.” I heave some more into the toilet as Edge rubs my back.
“Relax, baby, it’s almost over.” His warm hand calms me and I slowly straighten up. Flushing the toilet, I try to avoid looking at the vomit as it swirls down.
“Oh my God, I’m so sick of puking.” I reach into my bag. I’ve gotten like Eve where I carry half my bathroom in my purse. Pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste, I brush my teeth, my mind chanting, Breathe. For whatever reason, toothpaste sometimes makes me puke, along with bacon, eggs, coffee, etc.
“You’re doing great, baby.” Edge looks at his phone and texts something. We’re locked in Axel’s bathroom. Because A) it’s spotless and I needed Edge to give me a quick release. But before I even got to come, I puked. Again. Second time today. Pregnancy sucks.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.” His gravelly voice brings my eyes to his in the mirror as his hands come around from behind me and rest on my tiny bump.
Leaning over, I spit and rinse holding onto the sink. Edge gave up his room at the clubhouse. We made a deal. I hate him staying here and since I’m nothing but honest nowadays, he happily says yes or no. Giving up the room was a yes.
Give and take… I’m so proud of us. We’re like a perfect couple.
His large, tan hands slide down my legs as he lifts my dress so that we can both stare at my small stomach. I’m four months pregnant, but I must be having the biggest baby in the world since I’m already showing.
“Look at you glow,” he growls in my ear, pulling me back against his hard chest. My cheeks heat with excitement.
The one thing fantastic about pregnancy is that my hormones make me need Edge all the time. Like I need him to get me off at least twice a day if not more. His tattooed hand slides to my right breast, which is swollen and sore. I moan, turning my head into his neck and inhale his cinnamon and smoke scent.
“Watch me.” His tongue slides down to suck on my neck.
I turn my head and weave my hands into his amazing hair. I have no shame. I want him to fuck me and I don’t care if it’s in Axel’s clean bathroom.
His hand jerks my breast out of my bra. Edge’s eyes look like blue fire as we both watch his thumb rub my nipple and it stands red and rock hard for him.
My breathing picks up and I watch, almost transfixed, as his other hand pulls my white lacy panties to the side exposing my waxed pussy.
“Spread your legs, baby,” he grunts into my ear, his eyes fixated on my cunt while his hands slowly rub my slick clit.
“That’s it. Wet and swollen.” He uses two fingers and doesn’t fuck around. Fast and hard, he rubs as I watch him.
“Edge,” I groan, my hands leaving his hair to latch on to his strong forearm.
“Yeah.” His breathing is getting harsh. He brings his fingers out and smears my slick juices on my cunt.
“Take my cock out,” he demands, his fingers sliding back to my clit as my brain makes my hands leave his arm and unzip his jeans, revealing his big, hard cock.
“Tell me how much you love it.”
My eyes meet his as my hands stroke his velvety erection. And I don’t hesitate. “I love your big, thick cock,” I hiss, my body trembling. I want to close my eyes and le
t his fingers take me to that place—my nirvana that’s his to grant me.
“Don’t you dare. You watch me own this cunt.” His dirty mouth does it as I fucking come, pulsing and clenching on his fingers.
“Grab the sink.” He leans me forward. “Fuck,” he groans and fills me up after one hard thrust.
“Hold on, baby.” He has to remind me since the pleasure is so exquisite I almost fall forward. He must not trust me because one arm wraps around me while he fucks me hard. In and out, he impales me. Already quivering, I’m ready to come again.
“I love you,” I scream as his hand, which was holding me, snakes down to my clit. His cock is hard, thick as he fucks me, and I never want it to end.
“I’m going to…” I can’t even get the word out because I’m seeing stars, black dots, as I convulse and pulse, bursting into wave after wave of pleasure.
“Fuck…” Edge grabs my hips for one more deep thrust and I see it in his eyes. They turn almost black as he stares at me, his body jerking. He holds still, his cock filling me up.
We stare at each other, our breathing almost echoing off the bathroom walls. Bit by bit, he pulls out. I turn so he can kiss me, and he whispers how much he loves me.
A loud kick causes me to throw my arms around Edge’s neck and scream, “What the fuck?”
The kicking at the door continues. “Auntie Dooollly, are you in there?”
I freeze. “Dolly, you’re ripping my neck open.” Edge reaches up to detach my nails from him.
“Holy shit. It’s James Dean,” I whisper.
He kicks the door again and it vibrates as if it’s unhappy about being so abused.
“Cover yourself up.” I reach for his wet cock and try to stuff it back into his jeans.
“The fuck—easy,” Edge hisses and grabs my hands.
“I hear you guys. Come out with your hands up,” he shouts then giggles. “Is that Uncle Edge?”
My eyes are huge and the thought that he might have heard us makes me want to lean over and puke again.
“Stop it. He’s a kid, Dolly. He didn’t hear anything. You know, even if he’d been in the room, he would have been banging on the door.”
Repent (The Disciples Book 3) Page 26