by Alexis Angel
"It is an issue … if you love Athena."
When Andrews says the word 'love' I feel a sharp stab in my chest. I pour myself another glass of whiskey, and drink it, trying to dull the pain I feel.
If this is what love feels like—a stabbing, sinking, aching feeling—I never want to fall in love again.
Not now.
Not ever.
Andrew eyes me critically, and he instinctively knows there's more I'm not telling him, but he has the sense enough to not prod me any further.
"Let me just remind you of something," he says. "You got this far—to this corner office at the top of this fucking skyscraper in the middle of this glorious city, by being one thing."
"What's that?"
"By being a risk taker, man."
As soon as Andrew says this, I know he's right.
That's it.
I need to take risks.
The question is: How much risk am I willing to assume?
22
Athena
Sometimes I think that part of me is just too manly. I mean, the first thing I do when I hit a rough patch is head straight to the closest bar and order a martini. Thankfully, I’m never alone when that happens.
“You did what?” Julia asks me, her jaw dropping so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if it hit the floor. “Please, tell me I’ve heard wrong.”
“No, you’ve heard right.”
“Are you insane, Athena?” Julia continues, that tone of complete disbelief coating every word that leaves her mouth.
“No, I’m… I’m in love,” I say, looking at her and doing my best to hold her gaze.
“Jesus…” she mutters under her own breath, ordering two more shots of tequila by waving her empty glass at the waiter. We’re both sitting by the stools lining the counter and, even though the bar is almost empty, the music is loud enough to drown out our voices. “Let me get this straight. So, you’ve invested all of your personal assets anonymously in Malcolm’s company, right? To save him?”
“Yeah,” I nod with a sigh. “Even if he admits he loves me and signs the declaration, putting it all down into writing, his company will have a financial net to fall back on. But I’m not even sure if that’s going to happen now… I haven’t heard from him in God knows how long.”
“I’m sorry, babe, but you have officially lost your mind. You know that, don’t you? It was cheaper when you were just a slut.” she says to me with a wink, but her tone is so jolly that I can’t help but smile. That’s Julia for you—from disbelief and anger to excitement faster than you can snap your fingers. Some friendships are like that, a true rollercoaster. And God bless her for that; I’d have gone crazy by now if it weren’t for her.
“Yup, I’ve finally lost it, Julia.”
“Well, at least you’re honest about that,” she shrugs. “Nothing left to do except drink to your madness, then,” she chuckles, raising her shot of tequila up in the air. I do the same, touching my glass with hers, and then we drink it at the same time.
“But, seriously, Athena,” she continues after the usual grimace that follows the bitter tequila, “if you love him this much, enough to sink both your company and your personal life … I don’t know, but maybe you should tell him the truth about everything.”
“I… I don’t know about that, Julia…”
Look, I know that she’s right, but I simply can’t bring myself to do it, okay? In a way, I’m afraid of letting it all out in the open. I have no idea how he’d react to the truth, and I’m not sure if I want to find out. What if… he hates me? He’ll be mad at me, that’s for sure, but what I fear the most is that he’ll be disappointed with me.
I have no idea when my change from cold-hearted to hopeless romantic happened, but the fact that it happened remains. And, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, I’d wipe Ben off the whole thing (that bastard could be wiped off the face of the Earth, for all I care), but I’d keep all the rest.
“You don’t know about that?” Julia slams her empty shot glass onto the table, doing it so hard that even the two bartenders behind the counter jump back. “How the hell can you say that? Oh, I don’t know about that, Julia,” she starts mimicking my voice, doing a very lousy and exaggerated impression of me. Perhaps watching a frown on my face, she sighs heavily and then asks one of the bartenders for another round.
“Look,” she continues, this time more gently than before, “you’ve committed both your company and your personal assets, right? And you did it to protect him. Even if he gets mad at first, if he’s the man you say he is … he’ll eventually see what a great woman he has.”
“It’s not that easy… I mean, I’ve basically colluded with Ben. I tried to destroy his company, and I --”
“Oh, girl, stop being so dramatic!” she sighs again, exasperated, and runs one hand through her already disheveled hair. “It won’t be the end of the world, trust me.”
“You’re single, Julia. It’s not like you’re an expert in relationships,” I tell her, and now it’s her time to frown.
“Thanks for that, Miss I-got-a-hot-boyfriend.”
“I’m sorry… This whole thing is just stressing me out.”
“And that’s exactly why you need to tell him everything,” she finishes, drinking her shot without waiting for me. Following her lead, I drink mine as well, throwing my head back and closing my eyes as the bitter taste of the tequila claws at my tongue and throat. Ugh.
“I know, but...”
“But…?”
“God, Julia, is it that hard for you to understand?” I ask her, smiling at her even though I feel my heart breaking inside my chest. “I’m ashamed of the things I did… of the things I let Ben talk me into. I’ve never been that kind of person, and I’m ashamed of myself. And I don’t know if I can take the disappointment in his eyes as I tell him everything, I really don’t…” The words flow out of me in a torrent, and I feel tears stinging my eyes. I grit my teeth and breathe in deeply through my nose, trying to calm myself.
“Hey, hey… It’s gonna be okay,” Julia whispers, placing her hand on top of mine and squeezing it softly.
“I don’t… I don’t want Malcolm to know that person, the one I became when I… when I started working for Ben,” I tell her, having no idea on how the hell I’m managing not to burst into tears.
“No! You can’t say bullshit like that, Athena! You never worked for Ben; he was blackmailing you. It’s completely different.”
“I know, but --”
“Not buts or ifs, Athena. You’ve told me that you love Malcolm, and I believe you. I really do. But love without trust… It’s worthless,” she says, her final words becoming just a whisper.
How do you even argue with something like that?
23
Malcolm
Just as Andrew and I finish our second glass of whiskey, the door to my office flies open. We both turn to look as Ben Danvers walks in.
Instantly, my stomach flips, and a surge of adrenaline courses through my veins. It doesn't help that I've been drinking. The whiskey just adds fuel to the fire—stoking it nice and high.
"Perfect," Ben says, a smile curling the corners of his mouth. "You're here."
If I'm honest, I'd like to wipe that smile right off of his fucking face with one closed fist.
I push my chair back from my desk and stand. I'm not going to let him control this situation, or this room.
"What are you doing here?" I growl. "I thought I made it perfectly clear that you aren't welcome. If you don't leave right now, I'm—"
Ben cuts me off. "Easy there, tiger. I'm here to make you an offer."
"No thanks," I say, pointing Ben to the door.
"It'd be a real shame," he says, in a patronizing tone and looking around the office, "To lose all of this—these things you've worked so hard for, and this view."
"I thought we've been over this," I say. "I'm not fucking losing anything."
"I appreciate your bravado, but c'mon
, let's be honest," he shrugs. "You're not fooling anyone here. It's just a matter of days before this so-called empire of yours comes tumbling down. And then where will you be? Huh? Well, let me spell it out for you. You'll be on the street; that's where."
I can feel my pulse hammering in my temples. I wonder if my face looks as red as it feels—hotter than any raging fire. I try to steady my breathing.
Ben goes on, "Instead of you becoming the next guy to panhandle on the street corner with an empty coffee cup and a cardboard sign, I'm prepared to make you an offer. I'll give you a penny on every dollar. That way, you can walk out of here on your own two feet, and save yourself the humiliation."
"Go fuck yourself, Ben," I growl. The insult of his offer feels like a straight kick to the balls.
I watch as Ben takes his wallet from his pocket and pulls a $100 dollar bill from its fold. Then he pulls out a lighter and a cigar from his briefcase, and without hesitation, lights the cigar. He shrugs, sucking in a few puffs. "Have it your way."
Once the cigar's tip begins to smolder, he brings the edge of the bill to its tip, holding it until it catches fire. I watch the flame blacken the bill.
He grins wide. "Is this what you really want?" he says, his thick eyebrows dancing on his brow line. "You really want to throw money away like this? Because this is what's happening to your money right now. It's all going up in smoke."
"You're nothing more than a joke," I say, holding his steady gaze. "You're a natural born loser."
Ben laughs. It's shrill and almost maniacal. "I'm pretty sure you're the one who's going to lose the 100 Days contest. You can kiss that pot of money good bye."
As soon as he mentions the contest, it almost feels as if my heart skips a beat. I can practically feel my stomach hit the floor.
My suspicions must've been right. He knew about the contest. He must be working with Athena; that's the only thing that makes sense right now.
I take a step closer to him, and point my finger in his direction. "You can leave. Now."
I lost my patience a long time ago.
Ben continues to grin, and then throws his smoldering cigar and hundred-dollar bill down, crushing them with his shoe, and grinding the black ash into the carpet.
"I see I've hit a nerve," he grins. "And I must say … Athena is quite good in bed. That ass. Those tits."
"You wish," I say, my hands balled into fists and my shoulders now tense.
"There's no wishing," Ben chuckles. "I've fucked her good. And I have the tapes to prove it. Would you like to jerk off to them sometime? The way she moans when I stuff her with my cock… yeah, that part always gets me."
"You fucking bastard!" I growl, closing the distance between us.
Without saying another word, I reach back and punch him square in the face. As soon as my fist connects, I hear a snapping sound, like twigs crunching beneath a boot, and a stream of blood leaks out of his nose.
He stumbles back, wiping a finger under his nose, and when he sees the blood, he springs toward me.
He throws a punch, but I duck out of the way and it grazes my ear. Then I throw my body at him, tackling him to the ground with the force of a linebacker, and we tumble. A throbbing mass of muscle, we knock over a vase from a side table, and the flowers fall to the ground and are crushed by our bodies—like sad confetti after a party.
"Break it up! Enough," Andrew yells, placing his body between ours. He grabs Ben by his shirt collar and drags him off of me.
We're both breathing heavy as I get back on my feet. There's a small cut on my lip, and I use the back of my hand to wipe away a trickle of blood. "You'll be fucking sorry, Ben."
Ben's hair is wild on top of his head, some of it flopping over his eyes. "You're little girlfriend is going to be sorrier when she's a viral porn star."
As soon as these words fall from his lips, I realize that Athena hasn't been working with Ben. I've had it all wrong. Ben has been blackmailing Athena.
I run my fingers through my hair, and straighten my tie. "That's where you're wrong, asshole. I'm not going to let anyone hurt her."
24
Athena
I walk through my office floor quietly, flicking the light switches as I go. The lights flicker for a while, and then they bathe the whole office, making me squint. It’s late at night, and the whole place is deserted. Just like I need it to be.
These past few weeks have been the most stressful weeks of my life and yet, at the same time, the happiest. Strange how love works, huh? It’s never easy, and you can never take it for granted, but while it lasts… Oh, it’s the most amazing thing in the world.
At least it was for me. And I’m saying was because I’m not sure how things are going to play out from now on. There are a lot of moving parts in this whole situation, and I know that everything’s about to implode… The clock is ticking, and it seems to be ticking faster and faster lately.
And the faster the clock ticks, the faster my mind spins. That’s why I’m here this late at night, walking through my deserted office floor like a ghost. I tossed and turned in bed before I finally gave up on sleep; grabbing my car, I drove all the way here almost unconsciously. Somehow, this place is like my fortress. This is where I feel the strongest, as if my office is an unassailable castle.
I make my way toward my private office at the end of the floor, slide my key in the lock and step inside. Throwing my purse on the couch lining the wall, I then make my way toward the liquor cabinet I keep at the end of the room. From the inside I take an unopened bottle of whisky and pour myself a glass. Despite having a thing for martinis, I’ve never been a heavy drinker, but tonight I feel like a good whisky is exactly what I need.
And, more than a good whisky, I need good music.
With the glass in my hand, I turn to the side and run my hand over the mahogany cabinet I keep there. It’s an old thing and, considering the modern and sleek decor of my office, it kinda stands apart.
This cabinet was my father’s and, after he passed away, I knew I had to keep it to myself. I had it fixed up and painted, and kept all its contents neatly organized over the years. My father was just an accountant, but whenever he was home, he was so much more than that. I used to sit on his lap when I was younger, helping choose the soundtrack for our dinner.
He always kept the cabinet filled with records and, whenever the money permitted, he took me to the store so that I could help him choose something new for us to listen to.
I leaf through the records slowly, the scent of paper and vinyl making me feel as if I’m just a young girl again, sitting across my father’s knees. Closing my eyes, I grab one of the records at random and pull it out.
A black and white Joni Mitchell smiles at me from the cover, and I can’t help but smile back at her. I take the record from inside its sleeve and place it carefully on the record player sitting on top of the cabinet. Turning it on, I then grab the needle and position it very slowly over the dark vinyl.
Joni Mitchell's sweet voice and her piano fill the room in an instant and, still with a smile on my lips, I make my way toward my desk and sit behind it, sinking down on my leather chair.
I close my eyes and take a sip out of the whisky, letting it burn its way down my throat. For a moment, I let the whisky and the music blanket all my thoughts, and it’s a pure blessing—for the first time in weeks, I feel as if there’s nothing to worry about.
Even though my world might be crumbling around me, something inside me tells me it’s all going to be okay.
Opening my eyes with a smile, I then notice something weird on my desk. There’s a piece of paper there, a pen lying across it. I always clean up my desk before I leave, making sure that it’s neat and tidy for the next day, and I don’t remember leaving something like this in here when I left before dinner.
“What the…?” I mutter under my breath, sitting up straight and reaching for the piece of paper. I only need to read the first few words to know what I’m looking at; it’s a declaration of lo
ve, the ones my client sign when they finally find what they came looking for.
Love.
With my heart as tight as a fist, I let my eyes fall slowly to the bottom of the page. There, scribbled in a flowing font, is Malcolm’s name.
“No way, he didn’t…” I whisper, not even blinking as I look at his signature. I can’t believe that he really signed this. All he had to do in order to save his company was walk away from me, but he gave up on that… Instead, he decided to risk it all: my investment in his company is barely enough to keep it afloat, and he’ll still be vulnerable.
But, right now, I can’t think of any of that. The only thought echoing inside my head is a simple but loud one: Malcolm loves me.
But love without trust… It’s worthless. Julia’s words come at me out of the blue, and suddenly I find the courage to do what must be done. Whatever the cost.
I love him with all my heart, and knowing that he loves me back … Malcolm deserves to know the truth, all of it.
Standing up, I finish my whisky at once and then walk toward the record player.
“Sorry, Joni,” I whisper as I pull off the needle and stash the vinyl disk inside its sleeve. “I’ll play you again, promise.”
Grabbing my car keys and my purse, I take a deep breath and then head out the door.
It’s time to come clean.
25
Athena
I drive all the way to Malcolm’s apartment, courage making my heart beat like a war drum; but now, as the elevator doors close in on me, there’s a knot in my throat. But no, don’t think I’m going to turn around and run; courage brought me here, and courage is going to make sure that I’ll walk all the way to his door and knock. And then… well, then I’ll let the chips fall where they may.
It’s time I’ve stopped living in fear.