It would be so easy to say yes, have one last night with him and avoid the inevitable. I blink to keep tears from coming. “We need to talk.” I wave my hand toward the sofa. “Have a seat.”
He sits on the couch, and I place myself across from him on the twin. He spreads his legs and places his hands on his thighs as he leans forward and asks, “Is this about what’s going to happen once I’m gone? Because I have a plan if you want to hear it.”
I shake my head. “We don’t need a plan.” I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly before I say, “I think it’s best if this is our last night together.”
Finn stiffens. “Last night? I-I don’t understand.”
“I’ve had an amazing time with you this week. I’m so glad I got to the know the guy I crushed on for so many years.”
His eyes widen in shock as he says, “You’re breaking up with me.”
“We’re not meant to be. It’s pointless for us to try to make this work when we both know it can’t last.”
Finn’s voice gets hard. “Don’t you dare put words in my mouth. I believe it can last, and you know it. What happened, Meg? What did I do?”
I lick my lips as I find the courage to speak the truth. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re perfect the way you are. With you, I feel beautiful and desired. But I’m not the woman you need.”
“The woman I need?” Finn shakes his head. “Why not?”
“You saw me today. I couldn’t bring myself to climb over a wall that a small child can climb. Even an older woman like Greta could do it.”
“That’s ridiculous. We all have our fears.”
I perch myself on the edge of my seat as I try to explain. “It’s more than that. I tried really hard to be the woman you deserve, but I’m never going to be an elegant, beautiful woman like Brianne. And someone like her, although with less anger, is who should be on your arm.”
Finn raises his voice. “What the hell makes you think that’s what I want? You’re breaking up with me because you don’t think you’re good enough? Even though I don’t hide how much I love you and want to be with you?” He throws up his hands. “I don’t even know how to respond to this.”
Finn gets out of his chair and paces across the room. I notice how a floorboard squeaks under his weight before he comes over to me and gets on his knees. “Meg. I was shopping online for rings this morning.” Oh God. He reaches his hand out to me. “I wasn’t going to do this yet because I know you’ll think it’s too soon, but unofficially, will you marry me?”
If only I could believe saying yes would fix everything. I don’t. I pull my hands away as my heart shatters into tiny pieces. “I know you’re hurt right now, and you think you’re losing something. But trust me, we would have come to this point anyway.”
Finn sits back on his feet. “I can’t believe this is happening.” He gazes at me with glassy eyes. “You’re the love of my life, and I don’t think for one second we’re not supposed to be together.” His knees crack as he stands up. He lets out a small groan as if he’s in pain, and I think he pushed himself hard today. “I don’t know what has made you think we’re not long-term, but I’m not accepting this breakup, Meg. I won’t give up on us.”
My instinct is to go hold him, but I have to remain strong and see my decision through. “I’m sorry, but you have no choice. I’ve made my decision.” I get up and walk over to the door to open it. “Goodbye, Finn.”
He moves toward me, but instead of going out the door, he grips my arms softly and places a tender kiss on my mouth that sucks the air from my lungs and leaves me feeling as if I can’t breathe. “I love you. If you change your mind, you have my number.”
When he leaves, I shut the door and lean against it. It’s hard on my back as my body begins to shake with silent sobs.
Chapter 20
Finn left this morning without saying goodbye, and I’m glad. I’m afraid I would have thrown myself into his arms and begged him to take me back. Lexi’s long legs swing from the counter where she’s sitting with an electronic tablet, and I guess she’s making her order list for the next session’s dessert supplies. She glances up at me. “Whoa. You and Finn must have had some night. You look like you— Wait. Have you been crying?”
“Yeah. Finn and I broke up.”
“Oh, Meg.” She places the tablet down with a thud and hops off the counter to come toward me. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m too close to another round of crying to let her hug me, so I say, “I don’t want to talk about it, if you don’t mind.”
She stops short. “Okay. Sure. But I’m here when you do.”
“I know.” I offer her a fake smile. “Thanks.”
I get through most of the day with a lot of coffee and by distracting myself with work, until it’s time for my afternoon break and the reality of my heartache sinks in.
When I go to the changing room, Lexi follows me. “Hey,” she says, “want to go for a canoe ride around the lake? The water is like glass right now.”
I offer my friend a weak smile as I look into her eyes. I’m lucky to have a friend like Lexi who understands me and won’t push. “Sure.”
When we get out on the water, our boat glides effortlessly as we propel it forward. I watch the ripples radiating out from the drops falling from our paddles onto the lake. “Gosh, it’s beautiful out here,” says Lexi. She’s behind me in the boat.
“I know.” I take a deep breath of fresh air and let the oxygen rejuvenate my lungs. I let out a big sigh.
“What happened?” asks Lexi. “Are we hating on Finn for being a jerk somehow? Or did he dump you for a crappy reason?”
“Neither.” I glance over my shoulder at her. “I broke up with him, but he did nothing wrong.” Lexi continues to paddle as I lift my oar and twist around to face her. “There are two types of people in the world—those who have it, and those who spend their life trying to get it until one day they accept what they have is all they’re ever going to get.”
“I don’t follow. Aren’t most of us trying to find the perfect partner, or the job of our dreams, or reach a financial goal? That’s kind of what keeps us going.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I say. “I mean that there are some people who are naturally athletic, beautiful, and charismatic. Things tend to happen for them. Like Finn.”
She chuckles. “Okay, he’s hot, I’ll give you that. But he’s not the most amazing man out there, Meg.”
“I know, and the truth is I don’t want someone like Finn. I need to find someone more like me.”
“Stop right there. Don’t you dare try to convince me you think Finn has it and you don’t. Sure, he’s a good athlete, he’s attractive, and people like him. But you’re an amazing cook, whip-smart, attractive, and people love you too.”
I shake my head. “You don’t understand because you have it too and probably never thought about it. People like me don’t have it as easy.”
Lexi’s paddle clatters on the top of the canoe as she rests it, and she practically glares at me. “Cut the crap. Just because I have an abnormal obsession with exercise that keeps me thin doesn’t mean I have it—which, by the way, is a stupid theory because I don’t think anyone is completely together in the way you seem to think.”
Her anger riles me up too. “You’re calling my theory stupid?”
“I am,” she says. “I have no doubt Finn has insecurities and things he sucks at. I’m sure there are people who don’t like him. Like his ex-wife who I heard peeled out in the driveway the other day.”
“Okay, so one person doesn’t like him. But you try to tell me the man doesn’t command a presence in a room.”
“Well duh, he’s so damn tall he’s hard to ignore. But so what?”
“My point is that men like Finn should be with women like you, not women like me.”
She scowls at me. “Let me share a little about women like me with you. I am good at desserts because I’m a perfectionist and know how to follow
directions, but I’d give anything to be able to create recipes on the fly with amazing bursts of flavor the way you do.” She arches her back to stick her chest out at me. “I know you think I’ve got this perfect body, but did it ever occur to you that those of us with A-cup boobs wish we had ones like yours?” She glances down at my lap. “And don’t even get me started on your ass.”
“My ass?” I recall I overheard Finn talking about how he liked my butt, and I’m tempted to stand up and look back at my bottom. I think it’s too big.
“Yes. Your ass,” says Lexi. “It so luscious even I want to grab it, and you’ve got curves that men want to hold onto. So stop your pity party, Meg. We all have our issues and failures.” She picks up her paddle again and strokes hard.
I turn around, and the muscles in my arm flex as I paddle too. Finn did tell me his divorce was the biggest failure of his life. Not everything he touches turns to gold, and that’s something he’s acutely aware of. While I’ve never been through a divorce, I’ve seen enough to know it’s a process that lasts for months, reminding you every day of the mistake you made. Okay, so maybe I overlooked that detail.
I recall how Finn couldn’t bring himself to ask me out in college because he was too scared, though I was sure he was the most confident guy in the world. Have I spent so much time worrying about not being good enough that I don’t notice others’ failures and insecurities?
Lexi’s anger has dissipated, and she slows down. “And another thing,” she says. “At my very first mud run, we had this log thing we were supposed to run across. It was moving and freaked me the hell out. I’d never encountered anything like it and was so afraid of getting hurt that I forfeited the race instead.”
I stop paddling to turn around and look at her. “You did?”
“Yes. I did. And after the race was over, I went back with a few friends and learned how to do it. That’s why I’m so insistent on practicing for something even as simple as the egg carry.”
I stare at her as I process the words. Lexi, the iron woman, freaked out over a physical task?
She glances down at my oar. “I could use a little help here.”
I smile to myself as I turn back around and resume paddling. I remember how, at the beginning of the week, Finn told me he was awful at archery, but he had instructed everyone on his team to try something new, so he had to do the same. He got better with practice. Because he didn’t give up. When he wants something, he goes after it. I think about how he ran the obstacle course with everything he had, even though he knew he would probably lose.
Maybe that’s the difference between people like me and people like Finn and Lexi. They keep on trying while I give up. Am I missing out on the love of a lifetime because I’m not willing to give it a chance? I think I’m so afraid of failure I can’t focus on what I could gain instead. Finn loves me enough that he’s thought about marriage, and I’m willing to throw what we have away because it might not work out.
I turn to look at Lexi. “Could we turn around and go back now? I have a rock wall I want to climb.”
She grins back and paddles harder to get us to shore. Once we’re there, she walks with me to the obstacle course, and when I stand at the base and stare at the top of the wall, she says, “One hand hold at a time. Focus on where you are instead of how far it is to the end.”
I nod because that is what I need to do. I need to think about today and what I have instead of what might happen before I get to it. I take a deep breath before I reach out and grip a handhold. The plastic is hard on my fingers, and I grab another one so both my hands are on the wall. I glance down and place a foot on the lowest hold and step up. I move my other foot to the next one and travel a bit farther.
“Perfect,” says Lexi. “Think hands, then feet.”
After a few steps, I stop, and my breathing gets shallow. My pulse races as I let fear seep in. I squeeze my eyes shut as I fight off the panic beginning to rise in me. I can’t do this. I should just climb back down and forget I ever thought I could.
“Right hand up and to the left a little,” says Lexi.
I open my eyes and look at the hold she’s directing me to. It’s only inches from my hand, but I can’t seem to reach for it. Do it, Meg. I picture the love in Finn’s eyes as he reached for my hand when he asked me to marry him, and then I remember the hurt I saw in his gaze when I didn’t answer. I had a life of happiness in my reach, and I didn’t grab it. No more. I’ve lived far too long being afraid to take a chance because I might fail. I take a deep breath and reach my shaky hand for the hold to grip it tight.
“Great,” says Lexi. “Now left hand up and to the left as well.”
This time I move with determination, and before she tells me where to put my foot, I glance down to find a hold and step up. I follow with my left foot and begin to chant a mantra in my head. Hands, then feet. Hands, then feet. It’s only a few more steps before I reach the top. The edge of the wall is rough under my arms when I reach over it and lift up to lay my chest down on it with relief.
“You did it!” squeals Lexi.
I don’t dare turn to look at her or the ground in case I fall, so I step up high enough to hoist my leg over. I scramble to sit on the steep ramp down. Lexi has walked over to be at the foot of the ramp, and she smiles at me. “You’re king of the mountain. Let me hear you roar.”
I smile at her.
Her feet thud as she climbs up to me. She plops down beside me and says, “Look down and see what you did.”
I glance over the edge. The distance to the ground makes me slap my hands down on the wood as if I could fall. “Holy crap, this is high.” I turn to her. “Who lets their kids do this?”
Lexi chuckles and puts an arm around my shoulders. “I’m proud of you. You just conquered a pretty big fear.”
I gaze at her as hope blossoms in my heart. I think I may have the courage to conquer one more.
Chapter 21
I shift my weight from foot to foot as I stand outside the coffee shop across from Finn’s office building. Cars whoosh by, and the smell of exhaust is thick in the air. I took the day off to come here, and the city of Boston is a bit of a culture shock after being at camp this summer. I lift my phone and hit Call.
“Meg,” says Finn as he answers.
“Hi. I’m across the street at the coffee shop and would really like to talk to you.” Yesterday, I called Greta to find out Finn’s schedule. When I told her I’d made a huge mistake breaking up with him, she scheduled a meeting for today so he’d be sure to be in the office.
He sighs, “I wish I could, but my calendar is booked solid.”
“No, it’s not. I’m your ten o’clock meeting.” I grin because I told Greta to use the last name of the female lead in Dirty Dancing.
“Ms. Houseman. Oh my God.” Finn chuckles. “I should have known.”
“So will you come talk to me?”
“I’m already on my way.” The faint sound of footsteps echoes in the background, and I picture him jogging down a stairwell.
“Okay. See you soon.”
“Wait!” Finn yells into the phone. “You still there?”
“Yes.”
“I have to ask, because I don’t think I can wait, is the guy going to get his girl?”
I notice the door to his building open and see him step outside. I wave my hand at him. “He does, Finn.”
He pumps his arm in the air and yells back, “Yes!”
I watch as he runs to the crosswalk and over to me. My chest tightens with the feelings building in me, and I find myself running to meet him too.
Finn sweeps me up off my feet, and I let out a yelp as he lifts me above his head before he lowers me slowly. People point and smile as I slither down his body to stand on my feet. I thread my fingers through his hair as we stare at each other, and he slides his hands up my arms before I lean in to kiss him.
People move to avoid us, but neither of us cares we’re making a scene. I pour all my love into our kiss
and take what he offers in return.
When we break apart, I say, “Wow. That went much better than I expected.”
He chuckles. “You’re not off the hook yet.” He grabs my hand. “Let’s get coffee, because I expect you to talk to me.”
We make our way through the line and find a small table in the corner. I sip my latte cautiously before I lower myself into a wooden chair. Finn hasn’t stopped smiling, and it makes it easier for me to tell him what I need to say.
I pick at the lid on my cup and glance around as I find the words. “Finn.” I pause, and he patiently waits for me to go on. “I’m so sorry I caused you unnecessary pain.” I splay my fingers out on the table and notice how cool it is before I say, “I spent many years thinking I wasn’t good enough. While I thought I’d learned to live life comfortable with who I am, seeing you again brought back all my insecurities.”
“Meg.” Finn places his hand over mine.
I shake my head. “It’s okay. When I freaked out at the climbing wall, everything rushed to the surface, and I was sure I’d fail at us too.” I offer him a wry smile before I say, “But I figured out something. All this time, I’ve believed that people like you had it easy. Things happened for you because you were born this amazing person.”
He frowns. “I don’t feel like that at all. I work hard for what I get.”
“I know.” I twist my hand so that our palms meet. “And it’s not because you hide how hard you work that I couldn’t see it. I had blinders on.” I squeeze his fingers. “You get things in your life because you go after them. Even though you might fail, you still take the chance. I think I need do the same.”
“Life can be pretty scary. And I fail a lot. Remember my ravioli?” I smile, and he says, “But every failure has a lesson, and a smart person does their best to learn from mistakes.”
“So you’ll make perfect ravioli for me?” I lean across the table toward him.
“No.” Finn glances down at my mouth as he moves closer to me. “I’ll pour you wine while you make them instead.” He kisses me, and when he pulls back, he releases my hand. He reaches up to rub his thumb over his lower lip as a sultry look fills his eyes. “And then we’ll have dessert.”
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