About the Author
I like to write whichever weird and wonderful tale comes into my head, which makes identifying the genre difficult even for me! My first series, Alventia, are novellas centred around Keira, aka Sleeping Beauty, and her Prince Philip, along with their allies Hansel and Gretel. It's a tale that very much told itself as I started to write it!
While I'm not writing, I work in Catering and am also an Assistant Brownie Guide Leader in the Midlands (UK). I like to bake and I love to read, and like with my writing, I read an eclectic mix of genres, and love every minute of it!
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[TS1]How much more time has passed since he asked this the first time? You can’t keep skipping time without telling us when you do it, and how much you’re skipping at a time.
[TS2]Just say family
[TS3]Make two sentences, delete ‘because’, trade the first comma for a semicolon.
[TS4]Make new para with dialogue
[TS5]If it’s February, you’re not going to be riding a bike, trust me. Not unless this is Oklahoma where the winters never drop below 50.
[TS6]Sounds odd.
[TS7]For something that’s caused them to fight almost endlessly, taken months to decide one, and become the main hurtle that this story has to get over, there is no way it can be resolved in one paragraph. Have something go wrong something small like spilling on her dress and she gets embarrassed, we need to see them actually work through this problem, or it wasn’t worth playing it up as much as you did.
[TS8]This is as much content, if not more, about masks as we got for the long awaited, and dreaded, dinner with the parents. We don’t need this information, one sentence on how she doesn’t like masks, or has gotten tired of them, is more than enough.
[TS9]He clearly knows why if he’s the one saying he needs to leave so she can finish them in the morning.
[TS10]Lecture? Was she in college? Was her being a student ever even mentioned?
[TS11]Who did what now? You need to be more specific in scenes with multiple characters because it’s too difficult to follow everyone all the time.
[TS12]You’re both at work.
[TS13]Replied, not said back.
[TS14]rephrase
[TS15]rephrase
[TS16]New paragraph
[TS17]Who is speaking.
[TS18]He didn’t ask this question a first time, he can’t ask it again.
[TS19]It’s ever said that she followed and starting running around looking for Belle, too. You need to make that distinction or else she’s just standing there while Jack runs around like a chicken with its head cut off.
[TS20]What antics? He hasn’t actually done anything threatening. He hasn’t done much at all, to be honest.
[TS21]This really doesn’t make sense. Even if she views it as the day she got her friend back, it’s a terrible thing to see a day like that as anywhere near the best day ever. I don’t care if it’s the day you won 5 billion dollars in the lottery, if your best friend is seriously injured, nothing can make that day better.
[TS22]rephrase
[TS23]word choice
[TS24]this jump is very jarring, and honestly, it’s a bit too much to put into a short story. Short story’s like this are supposed to be quick, simple, and easy to read. Having to keep up with the time of the year is hard enough, now we’re adding another four years. It feels a bit excessive for something that’s meant to be a short one-shot.
[TS25]why on earth did we skip over the main character’s wedding and skip to her best friends? This only confirms my suspicion from the beginning that this story is not actually about Hayley even if she’s the MC and the narrator. This is Belle’s story told from an outside perspective in a very roundabout way.
[TS26]This is all way too much to take in all of a sudden, especially since we’re getting no details or explanations to anything.
You Know I Do (Curtain Call Book 2) Page 7