by Lindsey Hart
“Of course. If you wanted it.” I would do anything for you. Anything in the world.
“Then I can probably handle dinner.”
“Okay… I’ll tell my mom then. I-uh- I wasn’t just looking up dogs,” Della added guiltily. She finally met Thomas’ gaze, because she had to. She had to look at him when she asked. “I remember what the doctors said in the hospital. About PTSD and trauma. I know you didn’t want to listen to it and you probably don’t want to listen now, but please, Thomas. I think it would do you some good if you talked to someone. I found a couple therapists here who specialize in that kind of thing. Would you go if I made an appointment?” She watched scorn flicker over Thomas’ face, sure he would say no.
“Would it make you happy?”
Della’s mouth nearly dropped open in shock. “Y-yes,” she stammered. “Yes, it would make me happy if you tried. If you don’t like it or don’t find any value in it, you can always stop. I just think, maybe it would help. I feel-so- so helpless watching you suffer.” Tears stung her eyes and clogged her throat. She blinked hard and fast but they fell anyway, twin silvery lines down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to cry. It’s just-so hard. The burns and the hospital and all that pain, that’s behind us. But this-this is going to be with us always if we don’t figure it out. I don’t want that for you. I want you to have some peace.”
“Peace,” Tommy said absently. His eyes flitted to the window above the sink. Sunlight bathed the kitchen floor and countertop. “Peace is something I don’t think I’ll ever find. Not completely.”
Della nodded sadly. She swiped at her tears with the back of her hand. “I know. I just thought it would maybe help a little and maybe that’s better than nothing at all.”
“Alright.” Tommy picked up his coffee cup. “If you make an appointment, I’ll try it. But just for you, Evie. Only because I can see you need it as much as I do.”
She could see then, just how fiercely he loved her and it broke her heart. She’d seen that look before. The way Tommy looked at Evie, even when she wasn’t paying attention. He adored her. She was his entire world. She thought that look died with the accident, but it hadn’t. It hadn’t died at all. He still loved her as much as he always had. And he was so afraid he was going to lose her.
He knows. He knows that I, no, that Evie, wanted to leave him at one point.
Della swallowed hard. It was nearly impossible to breathe let alone speak past the horrible grief and regret that constricted her heart. How was she supposed to make this work? How was she supposed to leave him now?
I didn’t really ever think it was possible. God, this is selfish. I’m selfish. This was about helping Tommy, her being here. It was all about him, yet how much of it was really about her too? She’d seen an opportunity to bring him back, but also to love him and care for him. An opportunity for herself, after so many empty years of wishing, unable to change a thing.
“I’ll make the appointment then.” The words scarped out of her closed up throat. “If you want a dog, find one. We’ll go look.”
“What about the house? Are you really serious?”
“I don’t care about the house. I care about you. You’re all that matters to me, Tommy. Truly.” Why! Why say things that won’t make a difference? That will only hurt him when I have to leave?
Tommy hesitated. The fires of desire burned brightly in his eyes. She thought he might try and kiss him again but he turned. His voice drifted over his shoulder. “Phone your parents back. We’ll go. Everything else, we’ll see about.”
He left her standing there, standing in a kitchen that wasn’t hers, in a house that wasn’t hers, with feelings and regrets that were unfortunately, her own in the process all her own. That love was hers. Hers, not Evie’s. There was no situation where this could work out. Absolutely none at all. She was going to break Tommy’s heart and her own in the process.
CHAPTER 10
Della
May and Henry Johnson’s bungalow was the picture of Arizona architecture right down to the stucco siding, the red terracotta roof, and the crushed rock in the front yard. They’d owned the same house since Della and Evie were kids though it had been renovated several times since then.
“Thomas! Evie!” May pulled open the door, a wide smile illuminating her face.
Della blinked. She hadn’t seen her mother look so pretty in a long time. She had makeup on, pink lipstick and a touch of blush. Her blonde hair, nearly all turned grey, was curled and bounced around her shoulders neatly. She was wearing a pair of black pants of all things and a red sweater. She was still quite trim thanks to her early morning swims and her mid-afternoon yoga classes and the outfit was stellar, if somewhat strange. Della couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen her mother in anything but yoga pants or jeans.
She’d told Thomas to wear jeans while she herself had dressed down in a denim skirt and a flowy blue blouse.
Della cast a quick glance at Thomas, who shot one back quickly before schooling his features into a neutral position.
“Come in, come in!” May urged them. She opened the door wider and Della stepped in first. She was immediately enveloped in a tight hug and remembered at the last time to stand a little rigid, to feign a second of awkwardness since her sister had never been one for hugs.
“Thomas.” Della’s father, Henry, appeared in the hall behind May. “Welcome back.”
Della nearly winced. Nothing like welcoming my boyfriend back to the land of the living to remind him how much time he’s already lost.
“Dad.” She stepped forward and received a brief hug, as Evie would have. Thomas extended his good hand to her father, which Henry gripped firmly and shook.
“Wait until you see everything I’ve made,” May gushed. She quickly ushered them into the small kitchen.
Della stared in shock at the table. There were four chairs set out, but the table’s leaf had been inserted to make it larger. The whole thing was laden with enough food to feed them for the entire month.
“Mom!” Della nearly gasped. She glanced again at the four chairs set out and breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Her sister had actually heeded her warnings and turned down the dinner invite. “Della isn’t coming?” The question was strange, hearing her own name on her tongue.
Her mother shook her head. “No. She couldn’t make it. I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright. We’ll have a good evening with just the four of us,” Della was quick to assure her mother before she realized it was a very un-Evie like thing to say. She sucked in a breath and waited, watched while her mother eyed her up for a long second, but then she smiled, as though the past months had been hard on them all and maybe some changes were a requirement for them all.
“Sit down, sit down,” Henry urged.
Della quickly complied. Her parents sat at the ends of the table, like they always had, which left her and Thomas to face each other across the table. She caught his eye and gave him a soft, private smile which he actually almost returned.
“So, Thomas…” Della’s father led them right into conversation as soon as their plates were full. “Are you thinking about getting back to work?”
Della nearly groaned. This was supposed to be an easy, lighthearted dinner. She’d told her mom on the phone when she’d called back to accept, that Thomas might not be up to coming when the day actually came. It was a subtle warning to keep things casual.
Her eyes flew to Thomas’ face. He slowly put down his fork and turned to face Henry.
“I have the insurance money from the accident, so I have no need to work at the moment.”
“But surely you want to support my daughter and even if the insurance money does that, you never know. You should get back into the workforce. Get back on that horse after it bucks you off, find something to do to occupy your mind and your time.”
Della literally wanted to crawl under the table. Could it get any worse? Apparently, it could, because at that moment, May piped up.
“Oh, Henry, leave poor Thomas alone. He just got out of the hospital and we all know he’s certainly not ready to go back to work.”
Damn it! Della wished she could kick both her parents under the table. Hard. Hard enough to hurt. They were asking innocent questions with the best intentions. She could see the genuine concern reflected on their faces. Unfortunately, concern didn’t mean that their questions were merciful. They would have been better off to avoid talking about Thomas’ life altogether.
“Mom. Dad.” Della cleared her throat and coughed delicately, a clear sign that they were done talking about that line of conversation.
May turned a bright shade of red and Della’s father quickly glanced down at his plate to hide his embarrassment.
“We were actually thinking about getting a dog,” Della blurted to break the uncomfortable silence.
Thomas sighed. He was the one who kicked her lightly under the table. Her parent’s heads both cranked up so sharply she figured it was a good possibility that they both had whiplash.
“A dog? But I thought you hated dogs!”
“Yes! What about your house and your furniture?”
Della shrugged. She tried to keep a straight face even though her mother’s mouth dropped open and her dad’s eyebrows shot all the way to his hairline.
“Don’t look so shocked,” she said smoothly. She stuffed a forkful of mashed potatoes into her mouth. “Man, these are amazing, mom.” She chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. The silence in the dining room was nearly oppressive. “I mean, people can change their minds, right? I’ve changed my mind. I want one now. I’m home more and we both have time to invest in a puppy where we didn’t before. I think it’s a good idea.”
Della’s parents couldn’t have been more flustered if she’d told them she had just grown a third arm or leg. They looked at each other and then finally back at their plates.
She occupied her eyes by glancing around the living room. Not much had changed since she moved out after high school. The kitchen had last been updated in the late nineties. The wood grains and fluorescent lighting and laminate countertops were definitely in need of a fresh look. It was open concept though and the small dining area was right off the kitchen. A set of patio doors let in the beautiful Phoenix sunlight. It was bright and cheery and that made the small area feel larger than it was. The floor was tiled in some awful shade of salmon, but it went with the beige walls and cactus décor that Della’s mother loved so much. She collected them. Cactuses. In all shapes and forms.
“How have you been faring since you got out of the hospital.” May cut in.
Della nearly choked. They apparently couldn’t make it five minutes without a bomb going off. She stared down at her plate, not wanting to keep staring at Thomas and make him even more uncomfortable.
“I’ve been a disaster,” Thomas admitted bluntly.
Della nearly laughed at the image of the broken dishes and all those smashed drawers in the kitchen. It hadn’t been funny at the time. It wasn’t funny now, but Thomas’ statement, the understatement of the century, made it almost comical.
“I’m getting better though. Slowly. Della suggested that I try a therapist for PTSD. I’m going to give it a try.”
Della was privately shocked that Thomas admitted so much. She dared another glance at her parent’s faces, first her mother’s then her father’s. She was surprised and warmed to see them both smiling.
“I think that’s a great idea!” May exclaimed with a smile.
“Yes. Good for you, son.” Henry nodded once before he shoved back his chair. “I’ll get the dessert.”
Della’s mother scurried out of her chair to help her husband over in the kitchen. Even though it was only a few feet away and Della could see them the entire time, she felt a little relieved that the tension of dinner was pretty much over. They just had to make it through dessert.
May set down a cherry pie a few minutes later as well as a flipper for serving and several side plates.
“That looks great, mom.” Della received her piece and dug in. She nearly died as the sugary cherries and flaky crust burst over her tongue.
“Thank you, sweetie. That’s very kind.” Her mother blushed a little before she handed Thomas a plate, dished out one for Della’s father and then finally served herself.
Della remembered, belatedly, that Evie was rather tight-lipped when it came to compliments. She would never have told her parents straight out that she was thankful or pleased with something they had done for her. She would have shown it, in other ways, but outright compliments and affection weren’t her way.
“It’s too bad Della couldn’t be here,” May said softly. “Cherry is her favorite. She said she was coming, but she canceled at the last minute. I guess she had plans with friends that were more important.”
“Oh,” Della muttered. She had no idea what Evie would say in this situation. Probably nothing, so she remained silent.
“I think she always thought of you as such an inspiration, Thomas,” May rambled on, to Della’s complete and utter mortification. “She always speaks so kindly about you.”
To hide her blazing red face, Della studied her pie like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Thomas said nothing at all. Thank god for small mercies.
The rest of the evening passed by, thankfully, without any further mortifying comments or inquiries into what they were going to do with the rest of their lives. Della had never been so relieved to exit her parent’s house before. She normally loved going over. She knew they meant well. She just hoped Thomas knew that.
She waited until they were halfway home before she was brave enough to broach the subject. Thomas stared straight ahead, a blank look on his face, as though he saw nothing at all.
“I’m sorry about what my parents said. They didn’t mean anything by their questions. They love us and they just want what’s best for us.”
“I know.” Thomas’ voice was surprisingly even.
“Really?”
He finally turned to face her, just for a second. “Yes. I expected a lot worse, to tell you the truth. Neither of them stared at me. Your dad shook my hand and looked me in the eye like he always used to. Your mom gave me a goodbye hug. They both came and visited when I was in the hospital when my own mother didn’t come once. It’s nice to hear that they’re concerned about us and our future. I would be too if it was my daughter. They know the accident changed everything for us and they’re just trying to figure out what that means going forward.”
Della was more than impressed with Thomas’ insight. She knew that and she knew what he said was true, she just didn’t expect him to know that.
“What?” Thomas frowned. “You didn’t think that I would be able to process that rationally?” His lips curled up into a ghost of a smile to soften his words.
“I… I’m just proud of you. That’s all.” Della reached over with her free hand and rested her hand gently on Thomas’ bad hand. It was resting on his knee, warm, comfortable, so very alive. She left her hand on his, soaking up the heat. She hoped her touch provided reassurance.
Oddly enough, she felt like everything was going to be alright. That moving forward, Thomas would be able to move on with his life. That he’d get it together and be happy again. That his heart would mend. She couldn’t imagine walking away from this, the life that they were rebuilding together. She was going to have to though. She knew her sister was waiting for an update and Evie’s patience only extended so far.
CHAPTER 11
Della
For such a bright, sunny afternoon, Evie’s disposition was surly enough to curdle milk. Any one of the people passing by down the sidewalk that bordered the outside patio of the small bistro who chanced a look at her face would have thought it was storming.
“It’s been over a week. Are you any closer to being done there yet?” Evie took a sip of her chai tea latte and made a face. “God, this is way too sweet. You’d think if you asked for something half sweet
that someone who does this for a living could get it right.”
Della bit back a sharp retort. She couldn’t rise to her sister’s baiting. She’d never seen Evie like this before. So unhappy. So bitingly bitter about nearly everything around her. Della shivered when she realized that everyone thought this was her.
“I’m making progress,” she responded, honestly. “In the meantime though, remember that you’re playing a part too. You’re supposed to be me and there isn’t anything in my life that makes me overly unhappy. I don’t love my job, but it’s alright. I like the people I work with. Don’t sour them on me for the rest of my life.”
“I’m not souring anyone.” Evie stuck out her lip petulantly. “Look. You know how I feel about this. I’m starting to regret not just walking out the door in the first place.”
“That would have been a disaster. Tom would never have been the same if you did that to him.”
Eve’s brow arched. It was strange for Della to see her sister wearing her clothes, doing her makeup and hair like she did. She really did look like her and she looked like Evie. It took so little effort at all to look so similar, yet they were worlds apart when it came to acting like each other.
“Why do you look like that right now?”
“Like what?” Della carefully glanced down at her untouched green tea. She wrapped her fingers around the cup and lifted it to her lips. Her throat closed up with sudden panic but the tea slid down easily.
“Like you actually care? Do you?”
“Of course I care!” Della’s eyes flew to the people passing by on the sidewalk. Lunchtime was always busy in that area. She’d been coming to the bistro for years, ever since she started working a couple blocks away at the lighting shop. “You should as well! You’ve been with him for four years. You’re engaged to him! He’s pretty much been through hell this past year. All his friends walked out. He hasn’t heard from one of them. His mom never came to visit when he was in that hospital.”