by Bill Hicks
Childbirth . . . isn’t natural. I’ll let that sink in. Childbirth isn’t natural. We’re not supposed to give birth. We’re not supposed to age or die. Did you know that? We’re supposed to live for ever. We’re supposed to be in a garden right now, leaning against a tree, naming animals, and the fact that you don’t know the name of every animal in the world tells me something. You know what it tells me? We left the garden too soon.
‘What’s that?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It’s a wombat.’
‘Shut up and go back to the garden. No rutting till you name all the animals.’
We have to have a beautiful world where children can come to. OK? That would be knowing your world. (laughs) OK. Men don’t want children. No man in this room wants children. Any man who thinks or says he wants children is no longer a man but a pussy-whipped freak of nature, who should be at home reading leather-bound copies of Donahue transcripts, renting Alan Alda films and buying Michael Bolton’s CDs, cos you’re no longer a man and you’re out of the man club. You’re out.
‘I don’t know with all the margaritas we buy we can afford a child, honey.’ And I’ll go you one further. And this is the one, folks, this is the idea that has made me virtually an anonymous figure in America for the last sixteen years. I have watched my crowds dwindle, I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick. If you have children here tonight, and I assume some of you do, I am sorry to tell you this: they are not special. Oh, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Let’s not have any— wait, wait, wait, don’t misunderstand me. I know a lot of y’all: ‘What? Well, I don’t . . .’ Wait, wait, let’s be clear on this. I know you think they’re special. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m aware of that. I’m just trying to tell you, they’re not. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Do you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm. Did you know that? Two hundred million sperm. And you mean to tell me you think your child . . . is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm that load – we’re talking one load – connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? Two hundred – you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest . . . with a grey gym-sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. Maybe even Gidea. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you too . . . egg-carrying beings out there. With that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I’ve tossed universes . . . in my underpants . . . while napping. Boom! A Milky Way shoots into my jockey shorts. Ohhhhhhhhh! What’s for fucking breakfast? Thank you very much!
Zchurrrrrrrrrrr. Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.
Wake Up America
(Summer 1993)
This show is designed to be a vehicle for politics and cultural satire. A topic-driven half-hour nightly program hosted by Bill Hicks, each episode will deal in depth with a single topic. Be it censorship in America today, political leaders, or the hypocrisy of the ‘politically correct’ movement, each show will attempt to lampoon the current conventional wisdom on said subject.
Bill’s opening monologue will introduce and frame the topic of the day. In our desire to break from the tired monologue concept currently employed on most talk shows, this will be delivered sans audience. Instead of a series of corny one liners, Bill’s monologue will be delivered in a conversational mode. The writers will put together an outline for him to work from, including pertinent information, jokes, etc. Then instead of a rigidly delivered night club style routine, we will have an extemporaneous stream of conscious delivery that promises to be much more interesting and exciting.
We feel we have come up with a unique way to do this. On any given topic, the writers, with Bill, will put together the outlines. We will then go onto the set and shoot any where from fifteen minutes to an hour of Bill’s take on the subject. Off camera, will be the writers and others whom Bill feels comfortable talking to. Now instead of the conventional opening monologue, you have someone involved in an impassioned satirical conversation with his friends. Once this process is complete, we will edit the monologue to three to seven minutes for that evening show.
Using all the latest video technology available to us, we hope to do with television what ROLLING STONE did for journalism. A gonzo, guerrilla type show that infuses Bill’s editorial best. Let’s say the topic is censorship. Instead of the same pseudo celebrities and usual suspects droning on like so many talking heads, we will be sending crews out on the street to interview dozens of people from all walks of life. ‘How do you feel about censorship? What should be censored? Why? Do you think nude dancing should be protected by the first amendment? Do you think it should be allowed in bars? Do you think it should be allowed in church? From these we can pull the most interesting, air them and then allow Bill to comment on each one. This same technique can and will be implemented using news footage of politicians, professional news makers, (Al Sharpton64, Randall Terry65) etc.
Have you ever sat in front of your TV thinking, ‘why didn’t they ask that question or wouldn’t it be funny if the host said that?’ That is what we want to do here with Bill as our representative.
Many different ‘set pieces’ can be interspersed throughout. From staff editorials à la Pat Paulson on the old Smothers Brothers Show, to music videos. The set piece that we envision as part of our nightly show is entitled ‘IF THEY HAD THEIR WAY’. In the case of a show covering censorship, it could be a filmed montage of empty libraries, a cop chasing and shooting at a newspaper blowing down a street past an empty newsstand, a Leave it to Beaver type family, sitting home watching TV and every channel has Pat Robertson and only Pat Robertson.66
Using the format described above has some definite advantages. A: no one else is doing it. B: it allows Bill to do what he does best, which is simply to show the fallacy and hypocrisy that often passes for reason in our world. C: from a practical point of view, the format allows to gather huge amounts of material in a short amount of time. By sending out many different interview crews asking a wide variety of questions, we can gather the material needed for several shows at once. It also gives us the flexibility we will need to do shows on late breaking, unexpected happenings, such as earthquakes, riots, assassinations, all that good stuff.
There is a definite need for a show that can cover our times in a unique and funny way. A show that doesn’t hold back, but moves forward and has a point of view. Like him or not, a huge part of Rush Limbaugh’s67 success is the fact that he holds deep seated opinions and is not afraid to express them strongly. That’s what this show will do from the opposite end of the spectrum. ONLY WE WILL BE FUNNIER, BETTER TO LOOK AT AND RIGHT.
The Wicked Christians
(Thoughts on the ONE TRUE religion)
(June 1993)
I spent Easter in Australia. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same as Christians all over the world – commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a Giant Bunny Rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. (Gee, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race?) I’ve read through the whole Bible. I can’t find the words ‘Bunny’ or ‘Chocolate’ in the whole damn book. Where do we get this stuff? And why those two things? Why not a goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? I mean, as long as we’re just making this shit up . . .
Last night, after my show, a group of people from a Catholic church got up to complain to the management about my material. ‘We’re Catholics, and we’re offended!’ Look, here’s the deal – if I did my show uninvited at your church, you’d have every right to be offended. But . . . you’re at my church NOW, so shut the fuck up! (All I said was, ‘If the FBI’s motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?’ Geez, it’s like these people never read a newspaper or something . . .)
More news on anti-abortion activists, or pro-lifers, as they like to be called. If they’re so
pro-life, I wish they’d lock arms and block cemeteries rather than medical clinics, and shoot morticians rather than doctors. Then I’d really believe in their commitment.
God, it never seems to end. These meddlesome Christians with their insistence on pushing their dogma and agendas down my throat. Their smug self-assurance, theirs is the ONLY WAY. The legacy of fear and reprisal from their just GOD, whose vengeance rains upon his beloved children like fire and brimstone from the sky. Hallelujah, Brother and Sisters! There will be a mighty comeuppance for those who don’t think like them. And for they who don’t think like we. And for you who doesn’t think like me. AMEN!
And look how well their belief works. Take Waco for instance – the god-fearing ATF storming the compound, guns blazing. The Branch DAVIDIANS returning fire . . . churchgoing Christians one and all. ‘You can tell a tree by the fruit it bears.’ This fruit lays shot and bleeding, burning, screaming. And both sides, still believing they and only they are right.
Look, I understand the philosophy. I was raised Southern Baptist in Texas! You don’t think I got the message? P-shaw, my Brothers and Sisters! I got the ONE TRUE message. And I know, because this is how I was raised, that even you poor, misguided Christians from other denominations are wrong. So load your guns and prepare to do Holy Battle in the name of Jesus, the lamb of peace.
This is the message of Christianity:
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. (?!?)
Or, to paraphrase:
I will make your life a living Hell if you don’t think like me.
The first thing the indoctrinated Christian is taught is not to ever question his own faith. No matter how sound an argument is supporting another belief, or debunking existing beliefs, the strength of the argument is proof positive of its evil origins. In the Christian’s mind’s eye, it is Satan’s foremost duty to make them question their own faith and thus make them susceptible to the Dark Lord’s evil machinations. It’s an almost foolproof built-in defense system, for no matter how reasonable, logical, sound, or sure an argument is, if it at all makes one question their belief, it by definition must be evil and untrue. In fact, the only unforgiveable sin in Christianity is to question one’s own belief, or to hold it up to the light of reason. Conversely, the denial of even the most obvious facts that don’t jibe with The Belief is proof positive of the steadfastness and purity of one’s faith.
This is the reason Christians are so meddlesome. And annoying. And . . . well, unchristian. They don’t believe in God, but they do believe in a Devil. They don’t believe in Heaven, but they do believe in Hell. They don’t believe in Salvation, but they do believe in Sin. They don’t believe in Forgiveness, but they do believe in Condemnation.
It never occurs to Christians they might need God’s word a little more than other people. Or, that they may be among the last on Earth to GET IT. They’re like an annoying child from grade school, who, after learning basic math, goes up to a physicist and tries to convince him how much he’s missing from his life from not realizing two plus two equals four. (‘Thanks a lot for that knowledge, kid. Here’s a bunny and a chocolate egg. I’ll get back to you. . .’)
So, that’s what I think of the Wicked Christians. And if you don’t believe me, just listen to Jesus himself in Luke, chapter 5, verse 32:
‘I come not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.’
God, I pray the Christians get the message soon. . .
Letters of Response
8 June 1993
Dear Sir,68
After reading your letter expressing your concerns regarding my special ‘Revelations’, I felt duty-bound to respond to you myself in hopes of clarifying my position on the points you brought up, and perhaps enlighten you as to who I really am.
Where I come from – America – there exists this wacky concept called ‘freedom of speech’, which many people feel is one of the paramount achievements in mankind’s mental development. I myself am a strong supporter of the ‘Right of freedom of speech’, as I’m sure most people would be if they truly understood the concept. ‘Freedom of speech’ means you support the right of people to say exactly those ideas which you do not agree with. (Otherwise, you don’t believe in ‘freedom of speech’, but rather only those ideas which you believe to be acceptably stated.) Seeing as how there are so many different beliefs in the world, and as it would be virtually impossible for all of us to agree on any one belief, you may begin to realize just how important an idea like ‘freedom of speech’ really is. The idea basically states ‘while I don’t agree or care for what you are saying, I do support your right to say it, for herein lies true freedom.’
You say you found my material ‘offensive’ and ‘blasphemous’. I find it interesting that you feel your beliefs are denigrated or threatened when I’d be willing to bet you’ve never received a single letter complaining about your beliefs, or asking why they are allowed to be. (If you have received such a letter, it definitely did not come from me.) Furthermore, I imagine a quick perusal of an average week of television programming would reveal many more shows of a religious nature, than one of my shows – which are called ‘specials’ by virtue of the fact that they are very rarely on.
All I’m doing in ‘Revelations’ is giving my point of view in my language based on my experiences – much the same way religious broadcasters might organize their programs. While I’ve found many of the religious shows I’ve viewed over the years not to be to my liking, or in line with my own beliefs, I’ve never considered it my place to exert any greater type of censorship than changing the channel, or better yet - turning off my TV completely.
Now, for the part of your letter I found most disturbing . . .
In support of your position of outrage, you posit the hypothetical scenario regarding the possibly ‘angry’ reaction of Muslims to material they might find similarly offensive. Here is my question to you: Are you tacitly condoning the violent terrorism of a handful of thugs to whom the idea of ‘freedom of speech’ and tolerance is perhaps as foreign as Christ’s message itself? If you are somehow implying that their intolerance to contrary beliefs is justifiable, admirable, or perhaps even preferable to one of acceptance and forgiveness, then I wonder what your true beliefs really are.
If you had watched my entire show, you would have noticed in my summation of my beliefs the fervent plea to the governments of the world to spend less money on the machinery of war, and more on feeding, clothing, and educating the poor and needy of the world . . . A not-so-unchristian sentiment at that!
Ultimately, the message in my material is a call for understanding rather than ignorance, peace rather than war, forgiveness rather than condemnation, and love rather than fear. While this message may have understandably been lost on your ears (due to my presentation), I assure you the thousands of people I played to in my tours of the United Kingdom got it.
I hope I helped answer some of your questions. Also, I hope you consider this an invitation to keep open the lines of communication. Please feel free to contact me personally with comments, thoughts, or questions, if you so choose. If not, I invite you to enjoy my two upcoming specials entitled ‘Mohammed the TWIT’ and ‘Buddha, you fat PIG’. (JOKE)
Sincerely,
Bill Hicks
June 1993
Dear Mr Christian,
I thank you again for your immense generosity in giving me another listen. I know you have zero obligation to justify your subjective response to an artist, yet I feel a need to point out a few things, and more importantly – a burning curiosity to know exactly what you meant.
No one holds comedy in higher regard than myself. No one. And I like to understand everyone’s point of view about it, no matter how misinformed or arcane, in order to better understand for myself exactly what comedy is and how to do it best. Unlike many people, I do not think comedy is for ‘escaping from the daily grind of reality to just kick back and not think for awhile. To just laugh at some . . . jo
keblower like Carrot Top.’ (To me, Carrot Top is the comedy equivalent of a streaker. Remember streakers? ‘Hey there’s a nude guy running by! . . . wow . . . OK, anyway, what were we talking about?’)
If comedy is an escape from anything, it is an escape from illusions. The comic, by using the Voice of Reason, reminds us of our True Reality, and in that moment of recognition, we laugh, and the ‘reality of the daily grind is shown for what it really is – unreal . . . a joke. True comedy turns circles into spirals. What before seemed a tiresome, frightening, or frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all. The audience is relieved to know they’re not alone in thinking, ‘This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense. Surely I’m not the only one who thinks so. And surely there must be an answer . . .’ Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.
It is a most rarified air the great comics must breathe, who’ve transcended their own preconceived notions as well as the audiences at the same time. Here the comic is one with audience. He is a vessel, empty of himself, yet full of wonder and joy and creation – for these are the fruits the Voice of Reason bears. The Voice of Reason is in us all, and it is the same voice that is in us all. And when it is voiced, it is heard by all and everyone can recognize it, because it makes sense, and everyone benefits from it . . . equally. There is no downside. There is no other shoe.